Friday Night Lights
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: The Benny Hill Show
You know, getting those teabags and the Christmas Pudding yesterday really made me look seriously at all the gifts I have scattered around my safe house. Over they years through various methods, I have been rewarded for my efforts. The Kennedy family allowed me to keep the suit from November 1963, after it had been dry cleaned of course, but I've not kept the figure to wear it anymore. Then there was my police caution from running on the pitch at Wembley in 1966, that sits proudly in a frame on display in the bog. Never told Mossad about that though, might have spoilt my chances of getting in. Sporting trophies also adorn the house, the only award of double platinum from the International Olympic Committee sit above my fridge. I got those during the 1969 Tel Aviv winter Olympics for winning both the giant slalom and downhill competitions at the same time, even more remarkable as I did it on a Unicycle. So as you can see a bag of teabags probably doesn't mean that much to me. In fact I tried one last night and it was like drinking field rations again, like a cup of tea made out of filtered piss.
Anyway I'm winding down for the weekend now, and rumours here at the Hospital reckon we're going to get remote controlled trolleys to try and reduce the number of back injuries among my highly skilled division. We're all highly trained and highly tuned so these are not uncommon, plus it's an easy way to get a few weeks off work, even the Queen does it so it can't be all bad. Still it's probably all talk, it'll cost money and that's something they don't like to spend on the likes of me.

Shalom

It's Yesterday Once More
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Twister
Well everything is back to normal today, I worked out what was going on with the phone. Turns out that Window cleaning geezer had been trying to send me a fax and left it on auto redial. When I asked him why he was trying so late he just mumbled something about a party, car keys, and pictures of semi naked women. Fair enough at the weekend, but during the week, way out of order. I have given him a warning so hopefully he won't do it again.
One of the nice things you get from working at a Hospital is that from time to time you get some recognition from your clients, or patients as the NHS prefers to call them. Today there was a little package waiting for me at the reception of the A&E department. At first I thought I was going to have to go into Bomb Disposal mode, but in the absence of any red and blue wires I soon relaxed. Turns out that the bloke who spent so long in the psycho ward a few months was very grateful for my kindness, and he sent me a bag of LT teabags and a Christmas pudding as a gift. Now I don't want to sound ungrateful, but a box of 400 B&H would have been more appreciated. Bit worried about the teabags and pudding too, not sure if LT products used a different sell by date coding system, but looking at these suggests they're about 25 years old. I'll give them a try anyway and if it's a genuine Christmas pudding I should find half a Dinari or something inside it, that'll make it all worth my while, plus Hospital bogs are normally pretty well blessed for bog paper should the worst happen.
Anyway better stash this stuff away in my locker, should be able to fit them in if I shift the position of my Uzi and the spare magazine clips around a bit.

Shalom

Army Dreamers
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: Wake Up To Wogan
Bloody early morning calls, I hate them, even more so when it's dark outside. Now being in the line of work I once was, you'd think I was used to obscure hours. After all stakeouts of Arabs and anyone else we didn't like was all par for the course. Honestly though, pissing into an old orange juice carton sort of loses its appeal after a while, especially when you nod off and forget you did it, it certainly wakes you up when you go to take a swig. Luckily though, being top of my class meant that I got to work the day shift most of the time, and when I clocked off at 5 pm I could go and party with the likes of Sophia Loren, Kirk Douglas and Carlos The Jackal.
Anyway, this morning feels like one of those boring stakeouts. Some bastard has obviously done something to my phone and it keeps ringing every 30 seconds. When I answer it I get the bleep of a fax machine. Why don't I turn it off you may ask? Well I'm on 24 hour call, not only with the Hospital, but with the UN as well, and I'd never hear the end of it if I missed a call.
That's why I'm typing so f**king early. I'm awake now and as alert as a cat, plus it gives me something to do while the phone keeps ringing. I can't wait to get to work and get away from the thing, but one thing's for sure, as soon as I get a chance I'll be on to the Mossad telecom department so they can track down the wanker who is doing this to me. They'll be very sorry I can tell you, if you see some dodgy looking black cars parked in your street you'll know I'm onto you.

Shalom

Who Wants To Live Forever
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Sir Prancelot
Well it was all go yesterday but today it looks like it's back to being able to laze around a bit, so as soon as I finish typing this I can start to dream about hot gun shafts and the like.
Spoke to Benny last night about election leaflet designs and he has some ideas which he thinks will be quite striking, they also have the added attraction of being relatively familiar to anyone who watches the History Channel. Benny reckons that this will help make my literature stand out from the opposition and I can regard virtually all of the channel's output as one long advert. Sounds like a plan to me, it really is beginning to look like I can do this election on the cheap.
Of course I can't neglect my other duties and take my eye off the ball as regard international events. I see the Yanks are still having trouble with their sightseeing tours of Baghdad, my mate Dik Chay Nee's lot down in North Korea have built some great f**k off fireworks that also have the Yanks running scared, and there have been an alarming number of Bicycle thefts in Ramsgate which I will probably make a priority to sort out, if that sort of thing gets left unchecked there who knows where it might spread out to. Then of course there are lots of Milk Tray and Pepsi Max stuff to take care of...as you can see it looks like I'm going to be pretty busy in the next few weeks.
With that in mind I'm going to get in a few minutes nap time...Ahhh I can almost smell the gunpowder now.

Shalom

Watching The Detectives
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Dora The Explorer
Well bit late today, the bastards at the Hospital expected me to actually do some work today, and there was I hoping to be able to kick back and slobber over pictures of guys in hoods and machine guns.
Got a fax from the Window cleaning bloke this morning, reckons he can set up a campaign office for us free of charge. Apparently one of his clients, a large engineering company, have lousy security so we can sneak in there and use their photocopiers, phones, computers, whatever whenever we like. Sounds good to me, so even if Goldberg doesn't rattle the tin can on my behalf it's no big deal. Looks like it's all systems go for the election.
The council haven't yet set the date to replace Liebeman, but if my intelligence is correct, it'll probably take place on a Thursday. I'm quite pleased about that as it means it won't clash with the Synagogue, and means that the bulk of the Jewish vote won't have an excuse not to vote because they're winding down for the Sabbath.
Now I've really got to knuckle down and do some thinking. I need to win people over. Now public speaking won't be a problem, one thing I don't have a problem with is talking, in fact I used to win all the debating prizes at the Moshe Dayan comprehensive, the opposition had no answer to my oratory skills. I do though need to work out some stuff for election publicity, I have some ideas, and I'll be running over them with Benny later on. As a master designer I'm sure he'll be able to come up with a catchy symbol like Labour's Rose, or the Conservative's drawing by a mentally challenged kid. Maybe I should run a contest on here, be interesting to see what my avid readers could come up with.
Anyway, they've just put out a call for me on the Hospital PA, no rest for the wicked eh.

Shalom

Motspur Park is Not Enough
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Gardener's Question Time podcast
Well I'm a lazy bastard aren't I. Couldn't even be arsed to cycle up to Brick Lane this morning for some fresh hot Bagels, just ducked under my nice crisp new sheets which were designed by some geezer called N.H.S. Trust and carried on dreaming of sliding down ropes from helicopters, safebreaking, black outfits, shooting Arabs, and London Underground trains. No idea why I was thinking about them, probably the effects of the can of John Smith's I had last night.
Bit disappointed with Rabbi Goldberg's reaction to my request for support yesterday. He won't commit himself one way or the other, tells me he has other people looking for his endorsement (Been reading a dictionary I have). He has been pretty shaken up by the whole Liebeman thing. They were good mates by all accounts and he had no idea that the ex-councillor was doing such degrading things to Bagels. This seems to have had an effect on how he views us ex-mossad types, doesn't quite trust us I think. Looks like I'll have to resort to some gentle intimidation to get my way. Hope Hertz rental have a lot of black cars available, otherwise I'll be poncing off of the local funeral director again, and Hearses are not the most movable vehicles.
The window cleaner bloke was there too although we didn't speak to each other, he was dishing out some leaflets offering his services to synagogue members and apparently you get a 25% discount if he can take pictures of your wife. Strange what some people will do to promote their business. I'm not too interested to tell the truth, I'd rather use my own Windolene and chamois leather, and besides his rates for doing bulletproof glass are way over the top.
Anyway must dash as I've got to get down the Hospital laundry. It's pretty quiet there on a Sunday, and I know I can pick up a change of sheets while I'm there, the ones I've got at the moment have become soiled somehow.

Shalom

Saturday Nights Alright For Fighting
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Laurel And Hardy
Saturday morning means one thing. Put on my best black outfit, dust off the skull cup with the Nike swoosh on it, clip on my hi-visibility bike clips, and off down to the Synagogue. It's a pretty short bike ride to tell the truth, but I like to show off. I can't wait until it snows though, then I'll be able to show off my slalom skiing skills down Tooting High Street.
Anyway my trip to the Synagogue has a sense of purpose this morning as I'm going to see how much support I have from my fellow "Red Sea Pedestrians" in my forthcoming election campaign. Being a politician means you have to work the crowds from time to time, although I'm more used to protecting the guys shaking the hands rather than doing the hand shaking. I have a pretty good record at that, I was Rabin's security advisor for a while, and I remember helping out the US Secret Service's arrangements for JFK's trip to Dallas in 1963. Of course back then I was only a trainee, but I still think it was a good idea to use an open top car. It was a sunny day after all.
The one guy I need to get to support me is Rabbi Goldberg as he holds a lot of sway among the older members of the Synagogue and it's the old 'uns who have the cash. Now I know I don't have many kind words to say about the old scroat, but he's good at rattling the tin can for funds. So today I might actually take some notice of what he's saying, and who knows I might even help out at the place for a while.
It goes without saying that Benny is behind me all the way, and I can count on his mates for a little bit of street muscle...at least that's how he describes it, I have no idea what he means. It's nice to know that it's available though, every little helps.
OK, I've rattled on long enough, need to check the tyre pressure on the bike and I'm off.

Shalom

99 Red Balloons
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: HR Puff 'N Stuff
Well in the absence of any major international crisis - apart from North Korea which I'll sort out this weekend - freaks being admitted to Hospital, and any calls from TV companies producing shows of dubious taste, there is still nothing going on, so here's the latest from the old post bag.
Well having mentioned North Korea above, look who is first out. Kim Jong Il from Pyongyang asks "As a major sporting Icon, could you tell me how to improve my golf game? I recently shot a 38 under par with quite a few holes in One but know I can do better. Any tips?" Well Kim, Golf isn't my game, I'm more a cycling, skiing kind of guy, however if you made the holes a little bigger I'm sure you'd have more success, try doing some nuclear missile testing at your local course to achieve this, I'm pretty sure this will have the required effect and next time you'll hit 18 holes in one.
Next up is Mr J Mourhino, also with a question on a sporting theme. "As a Fulham/Chelsea supporter, I'm sure you can also see the conspiracy that is being launched upon us. It seems that everyone is ganging up on us. Take last weekend for instance, my goalkeeper was savagely assaulted in the first minute, nobody believes me when I say it took so long for an Ambulance to arrive. How can this be? I am The Special One, I am to be believed at all times." Well Mr J, I work in the NHS so cannot be seen to go against the word of my company. Has anyone actually checked with the Fulham/Chelsea doctor to get his version of events, or have you already got him propping up a flyover somewhere? If I could make one suggestion, maybe you should lighten up a little, come down the Synagogue tomorrow, you and your cash will be most welcome.
OK, well the wheels on the trolley go round and round, and mine is sitting out in the corridor with someone waiting to go to X ray.

Shalom

Mad World
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Isla St Clair's Greatest Hits
There are days when I struggle to think of anything to write here as you lot well know. No strange patients turn up at the Hospital, and the Mossad hotline stays silent. In fact nobody has got in touch with me at all, not even my running mate in the upcoming election to replace Liebeman. So last night I spent my time twiddling the knobs on my radio to see what I could find, and the answer was not much. I'm not interested in Police chatter, there's no intelligence value in that as almost anybody can get hold of that, and I'm certainly not excited by Mr Smith having to wait 35 minutes for his Cheese and Mushroom Pizza to arrive.
I was going to spend the evening decoding my new Secret Agent magazine but even that particular joy was shattered, as when I got home there was a letter from the publishers telling me I'd been sent the Polish version instead. Thought the code had been a bit too easy to crack, and of course my familiarity with Poles who worked on the Underground Railway system somewhere in London helped that.
I can't even be arsed to answer any of the questions I've been sent, some of them require me to delve into my archives of tales and I just don't have the get up and go to do that. Especially as I have to make sure I'm not divulging any Israeli State secrets.
So as you can tell, today I'm about as enthusiastic as the Weight Watchers club in Darfur or whatever it's called, fingers crossed something happens today, or it'll be back to answering letters again tomorrow.

Shalom

What A Gay Day!
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Larry Grayson's Generation Game
Well not much gossip came out of Monday's meeting, and if it did nobody is telling me about it. I think it's time for me to practice my interrogation methods on one of the weaker members of staff just to make sure.
Did you know that Disney World in Florida opened 35 years ago? I had almost forgotten that I took a break there between missions before the place officially opened. I was walking round the place when I bumped into old Walt himself. Now some will tell you that he actually died long before the place was finished, but now he has long gone I can reveal the truth. He was a bit worried about how he was going to move people around the place, and told me that until he solved the problem it would remain closed. Well I had the answer almost right away, the famous Monorail system that they use today. Building it was a piece of cake, not much different to doing an oil pipeline to tell the truth, I did hang on for a couple of extra weeks to show them how to maintain the thing but after that I had to move on to my next undercover posting. Walt died a happy man, and as an added bonus got away without paying income tax for years.
My copy of 'Secret Agent' magazine is going to take me a while to get through as this month it's been published in code. That's a really clever idea and it certainly makes it value for money. I spent all last night decoding page 1 only to find that it was an advert for Tampons. Should have guessed just by looking at the pictures, but it may have been an advert for some new bugging device...I don't know.
Anyway, must dash I've heard that the electric shock machine is free up in the psycho department and I've just spotted my 'client' for interrogation.

Shalom

Rhinestone Cowboy
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Chorlton And The Wheelies
Got a lot of gossip to catch up with after not attending yesterday's meeting so I'll try and keep this short, I'd hate to miss out on anything particularly juicy.
I would like to thank everyone who gave me a wave yesterday while I cycled to Wimbledon to pick up my mag. At least it looked like you were waving, although it seems some of you have got me mixed up with that bloke from the New Avengers as I also heard quite a few people waving and calling me Gareth Hunt. Now just because he was in a programme about spies doesn't mean he has the necessary talents to succeed in the real world business, and besides I don't think I look anything like him, I'll try and dig out a picture so you lot can do a comparison.
Still formulating my policies for the forthcoming election campaign, I got a fax from that window cleaning geezer last night outlining some of the issues he thinks we should be fighting on. I can understand some of it like discounted water for his buckets, and tax deductible chamois leathers, but other stuff has got me confused. He wants the council to buy a Rolls Royce so he can do his rounds in more upmarket areas, and a gold plated ladder. Not sure they're going to be vote winners so it's something we need to discuss.
One of the things we will need if we're going to make a good job of our campaign is money and some signatures on the proper paperwork, so this weekend I'm going to set up a stall outside Tescos and rattle the old tin can and wave a piece of paper at shoppers. Not really necessary to tell the truth as I could just tap into my Mossad bank account in Switzerland or sell a little bit of my farm in Kent, but hey I want to look like an ordinary guy trying to get ahead in this world. I can also get all the signatures I need from a certain place in Israel but I'll say no more.
OK, the lads are getting together in the Break room for afternoon Tea and Crumpets, time to join in the conversation.

Shalom

Blue Monday
Mood:  down
Now Playing: The Sound Of Music
Monday soon came around again didn't it? Very tasty Bacon Sandwich at Abdul's cafe on Bethnal Green Road yesterday and I bought some bagels back from the Bagel Bake too. I get a 10% discount there as I'm an ex employee although I've been told that if I flash the mysterious ID card with the Star Of David on it I'd actually get them for free. The thought of doing that has never crossed my mind though, I guess I still have some loyalty left.
Cycling to that part of London shows me how much things have changed since I used to make the same trip running errands for Ronnie and Reggie. Then I would regularly cycle from Vallance Road to Brixton to drop off the latest threat to the Richardsons, and most of the street signs would be in English. Now, particularly near Vallance Road it's as if I'm in a different world, and I've had to stretch my international language skills just a bit further. I've always had a knack for languages, well when you've had cause to visit 96% of the countries in the UN it comes in handy. Swahili, and Urdu were a breeze to pick up, struggled a bit with Australian and certain Scottish accents though.
We have a staff meeting today at the Hospital, these things are normally pretty boring, just running through trolley use that sort of thing, and I've always found that nobody worries if I sneak out while they're going on. In fact I could swear I sometimes hear a sigh of relief go up as I exit the door. I did sometimes make myself heard, but gave up when I thought nobody was listening to my ideas. With my oil pipeline building experience I offered to construct a pipeline from the geriatric ward direct into the drains here, that way they'd be no need to empty all the OAP's piss bags, just plumb them straight into the system. Never even got as far as the manager's door.
Never got around to picking up my 'Secret Agent' magazine over the weekend but I'll be off to the newsagents in Wimbledon as soon as I finish work, so if you're in the area and hear a helicopter or spot a sports bike with a Mossad symbol on the front, give me a wave.

Shalom

Get A Grip On Yourself
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Hide And Seek
Have you lot ever noticed how I don't get round to typing anything on here until late at the weekends? That's because on Saturdays I go to the Synagogue (obviously) and on Sundays I like to spend a few extra minutes under my Kevlar sheets dreaming about Helicopters, Black Clothing and Donkeys. Once I've got over that it's onto the Bike and a quick cycle up to the Bagel Bake in Brick Lane for some nice hot Bagels and a Bacon Sandwich.
I didn't bother going round to see that window cleaning bloke last night, not that I wasn't interested, but I don't have any fax paper knocking around my little bunker here, and I didn't want to disappoint him. I'll try and get hold of some at the Hospital tomorrow and we'll take things from there. I am seriously thinking about running for election so last night I started thinking about some policies which would appeal to the voters.
I believe the council could save itself some money by issuing all of its workers the same stuff to wear, and I'll be proposing a nice little black number which should go down a treat.
People who don't pay their council tax will be subject to trained assassination squads who will snatch them out of their beds at 3 in the morning. I bet that'll improve the collection rate.
I also think we should get our own Helicopter, this would come in very useful for my next distribution of Chocolates to single females in the area.
I've got loads of ideas to be honest, so don't be surprised if I harp on about them over the next few days, of course I'd also like to hear from any potential voters in my area, I am a man of the people after all.

Shalom

Once In A Lifetime
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Rugby League
Spent last night fiddling with my knobs but didn't find anything interesting except for some Pizza delivery company and some chatter between a couple of Arabs which I didn't fully understand, I think they were plane spotters as they kept talking about Jumbo Jets and the like, maybe later on today I'll take a cycle up to Fairoaks and see if they're hanging around at the end of the runway, not that you'll see many Jumbo Jets taking off from there, it's an airport for more Clandestine activities.
Synagogue today was as exciting as ever, although what was noticeable was that ex councillor Liebemans position on the bench is now occupied by a group of people I didn't recognise. I asked around and were told that they were from the elite Bagel Protection Unit and they will be checking out others as they think more than one person may have been involved in the Bagel abuse. Also heard that Liebeman has also confessed to doing quite obscene things with a kosher pickle. He obviously thought his position would protect him, but that's the wonderful thing about Israel...nobody is too powerful to be able to cover up their crimes. Rabbi Goldberg did let slip that Liebeman is no longer in the country which means he's probably in a dank, dark cell somewhere in Tel Aviv, still that would be an improvement on a flat in Harlesden I suppose.
I will make my final decision about standing in the election to replace Liebeman this weekend. That window cleaning geezer has invited me over for a few drinks to discuss a "UJF Dream Ticket" as he describes it. He also told me to make sure I bring my car keys and some fax paper, can't think why. I may give it a miss, I'll see how I feel after I've downed a bargain bucket from KFC.

Shalom

Pretty Vacant
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Go With Noakes
Friday at last, and I'm pleased to report that Whizzer & Chips and The Beano did arrive yesterday. My Secret Agent magazine though hasn't arrived and now I know why. Turns out the publishers have got fed up with f***ing Postman Pat helping himself to a few free copies, so what they are going to do now is send me a coded message once a month. Once I crack the code I can go and pick it up. Got my message last night, cracked it almost right away, so later on it's off to Patel's Newsagents in Wimbledon where I should find it on the top shelf between 'Leather Joy Boys Weekly' and 'Big Silicone Jugs'. Odd place to put it if you ask me but at least it means some grubby schoolboy won't get his mitts on it.
Work is winding down nicely. Of course being mid-October it should start getting cold soon and I'll have to dig out my thermal skull cap. I'm told that you lose most of your body heat from your head, and one of my mates here reckons that in my case it's definitely true, every time I open my mouth he reckons it's all hot air. Maybe I should see one of the Quacks here. Then again maybe not, probably pick up MRSA or something. I'll give the Israeli Army medic a call instead.
I'm looking forward to a nice quiet weekend. I've nothing planned apart from my weekly dose of religion at the Synagogue, so once that's over I can retreat into my den at home and try and tune in to any secret conversations I can pick up on my new radio that I picked up from Argos the other day. It's a neat thing, got about 5 different frequencies on it, just last week I was tuning into the local Mini Cab office. Could have made a fortune nicking their fares but it's a tricky business picking up 4 people at a time on a bike, especially if they're already half pissed. Maybe I should put some petrol in the fastest VW in the west, might be able to afford it now.

Shalom

I'm Turning Japanese
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Strip Poker
F***ing Post Office, got home yesterday and all I had was the usual junk mail offering me dodgy credit cards and free refill magazines for my Uzi. When are they going to learn, I already have a double platinum Mossad Visa card that can not only be used to hire a 747 or a Helicopter at short notice, but has the added bonus of being accepted at Woolworths and Argos too. Of course my anger is mainly due to the failed arrival of my reading material, I'd actually picked up a roll of bog paper from the storage cupboard at the Hospital as I was expecting to be able to sit down and have a good read last night. Had to hold it all in until I got to work today, well I'm not flushing my bog and wasting bog paper at home...that costs money.
As expected the course I had to attend was a waste of time. It was very clear to me that the geezer running the class had never seen any action, and his opinions about Arabs had come straight out of that left wing rag 'The Guardian'. I had to listen to all this bullshit about how nice they really are, and how they'd give me a lift on the back of a camel should I ever get stranded in the Desert. What a W*nker. Last time I was out in the Desert the bastards were trying to shoot my balls off, hence the reason I spent a week in a foxhole with just a box of Milk Tray to eat. I tried to put him right but he wouldn't listen. After I heard that he thinks I may need to attend a few more of these classes. I'll say no more.
Still it was nice to meet a few more people who work here at the Hospital, I had never met a Proctologist until yesterday and he told me it was remarkable what noises I could make out of my arse, at least I think he was praising me for talking out of it.

Shalom

Hersham Boys
Mood:  irritated
F***ing politicians, they really get on my nerves. Thanks to that useless git Prescott and Jack Straw the Hospital has decided we all need to attend some ethnic diversity training to make sure we all get along swimmingly. Now I must admit I don't know what all the fuss is about. Have you seen some of those Arab Women? Well I've seen my fair share I can tell you and trust me...the veils are a blessing. I also don't need some poof from some trendy left wing school pointing out to me what an Arab looks like and what he believes in. Having attending the Ben Gurion Primary school, The Moshe Dyan Comprehensive, and last but not least Mossad Academy of spying skills I think I know all there is to know about f***ing Arabs and that is they strap dynamite around their bodies and blow themselves up at a whim.
Anyway rant over, but that's the reason I have to keep things short today as I've got to sit in on this class this afternoon, I'd much rather be pushing a trolley around to be honest, but in a way I'm looking forward to putting the instructor right on a few things. It doesn't matter what class I attend I always find a flaw in the lesson plan somewhere. That's the trouble with these people, never seen any action so they have no idea what they are talking about.
I'm looking forward to getting home later as I'm expecting the latest delivery of 'Secret Agent Magazine' to be sitting on my doorstep, I saved some money on it by combining it with my subscription to 'Whizzer & Chips' and 'The Beano' which is probably the must read magazine of any intellectual spy.

Shalom

I Don't Want To Go To Chelsea
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Coronation Street
OK, I'm feeling pretty lazy this morning, nothing dramatic is going on, there's no new scandals to go on about, and no interesting new patients to tell you about either...yep I'm bored.
So I've decided to dig through the e-mail archives once again and see if I can't answer any more of those pressing questions you've sent to me.
An F Fraser from London asks: As a highly experienced intelligence officer, you must have had to carry out a fair few interrogations, what is your favourite method of torture and why? Well I can't really go into details about Mossad interrogation methods as I'd be giving away Israeli State secrets, but it is true that I wrote the manual. However when I was working in London with a couple of geezers called Ronnie and Reggie we quite enjoyed using pliers to pull out finger nails, and red hot knives to brand people across the face. OK we never got much out of them but sometimes it's nice to see a grown man cry as I'm sure you'd agree.
Mr O.B. Laden from Whitechapel asks: As an expert in airport security, could you give me some clues how to beat the current restrictions on Hand Cream being taken onto aircraft? If I don't rub the cream into my hands regularly they get all rough and sore, and I can't get the blood out of them. Well a double question there. To answer your first one, go to Heathrow, you should be able to blend in with most of the staff at the airport and I'm sure if you cross a few palms with a few rupees someone will lend you their ID card. From there it'll be easy. As for your sore hands, I'm quite keen on the Nutrogena stuff myself, it doesn't leave an oily residue on your hands and they feel lovely and soft afterwards. I think you can buy it in duty free so smuggling it onboard shouldn't be a problem. Let me know how you get on.
OK, well here's hoping for more action today.

Shalom

Making Plans For Nigel
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: The Waltons
So it's Monday again, and once again I'm pushing people around for no real reason than they're too bloody bone idle to make their own way to X-Ray, The Arse Camera department or the operating theatre. It really gets to me that these people have perfectly functioning legs, typical of the way this country is going, everyone wants door to door service, no wonder we have so many fat bastards around. They would never have hacked it in the Israeli Army, there we were trained to hobble to the MASH tent if we'd lost a leg or something. About the only ones who don't have an excuse are the ones I wheel down to the Morgue.
Still it pays the bills, and the intelligence reports I send back to Tel Aviv are certainly going to help improve the Israeli Health Service. I'm also supposed to be on the look out for any possible terrorists, but the way London is going it's getting pretty difficult, Ali, Patel, Muhammed, Bin Laden how the hell am I supposed to work out who is who, be much easier if they actually put it down as their occupation when they first check in here.
I'm thinking about my next trip away, but as I've visited virtually every country in the world I'm looking for ideas. Remember earlier this year I was toying with going to Iraq, well just like the Tower Of London it's still full of f***ing Yanks although the ones in Iraq don't wear those stupid Rupert The Bear trousers, but I bet they still walk around with maps looking for 'Liesester Square'. I shouldn't knock them though, apart from us Jews, they're the only ones willing to give the thieving Arabs a good kick up the arse.

Shalom

Who's That Girl?
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Fun House
Well yesterdays trip to the Synagogue proved pretty boring. Rabbi Goldberg decided not to mention ex councillor Liebeman's current situation and carried on with the usual religious claptrap. That's one thing about the Synagogue here, it takes religion a bit too seriously. When I used to stay in my flat by Lake Geneva, the Synagogue there was used a clearing house for information between Mossad agents all over Europe, I've always found it strange how our rivals haven't worked that one out. Swiss Bank Accounts, Jews, Money, when you think about it it's pretty f***ing obvious. I was also pretty upset that I'd polished my medals and dusted off my tin skull cap for nothing. Goldberg never mentioned the Six Day War...bastard.
So what about Benny's new car I hear you ask. Well turns out that for Benny it's a pretty mundane choice, it's a Fiat Panda which he bought off of his Italian mate Benito. Benny seems to be slowly breaking away from the little group he joined up with. Turns out that after pretty strong sales of Stick on Foreskins, and some of those Auschwitz Tee shirts, the group wanted a bigger cut of the profits, and while Benny isn't what you'd call a good Jew he still has enough of it in his blood when it comes to money. So maybe the lazy c**t might finally get around to updating those webpages.
I'm still toying with the idea of standing in the by election caused by Liebeman's little indiscretion. I've already heard that quite a few of the candidates who stood before are standing again. I did receive a fax from someone representing the UJF asking me if I'd be interested in standing on a joint ticket but I think that's just a scheme to split the election costs...then again that might be a good idea f***ing expensive business elections. What is certain is that it'll be a much more open race this time, and I'm still yearning for that anti tank ditch.

Shalom