Back on track
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Anything by Cliff Richard
Back pounding the streets today and it's the same old story, knock on the door and either get no answer or it slams straight in your face. As a highly trained Mossad operative, I am very skilled in the art of breaking in to places without being detected. I suggested to Benny that I'd do that to the houses where I got no answer, leave a leaflet and a chocolate and depart. Benny didn't think it was such a good idea...some people don't like chocolate.
Did see one strange thing while cycling around today, I thought I spotted the window cleaner driving a bus. At least it looked like him and there were a couple of ladders sticking out of the window. Once again Benny has quickly put me right. He said all sorts of things get carried around on buses, and besides if the window cleaner's Rolls Royce had broken down how the hell was he supposed to get his kit home. That makes sense I suppose.
One thing that has hit me is how many people have put up a Christmas tree. Now I don't want to be a killjoy but have these people considered what they're doing to the environment? Plus the way they've positioned them makes it a bit awkward for me to smuggle in the Milk Tray. People have some consideration for us secretive types who like to leave your wife a little something while she's in the shower. Move the Christmas Tree away from the window, give me some room to work.

Shalom

Another night wasted
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Do They Know It's Christmas
So another all nighter, another waste of a night. This time I was following that Nelson geezer around and this bloke is so squeaky clean it's untrue. Seems like an all round nice guy to me and he really did nothing more than listen to Band Aid records all night.
These all nighters aren't doing me much good though. I'm not achieving anything, and the day after is a complete washout. I've told Benny that I'm not doing any more of them, I'm missing too much Coronation Street and Eastenders.
It's been nice though to feel the black material of my Mossad designed spy suit close to my skin. I haven't really used it for this purpose since we went after those blokes who were going to take the Israeli Athletes for a helicopter ride in Munich back in 1972. Turns out the bastards didn't even know how to pilot a helicopter and had subcontracted it out to a Kraut organisation. Even worse, what good is a helicopter ride at night...still I bet they got a cheap rate.
Since then I've only used the suit whenever I have had enough stock of Milk Tray and found a few open windows to drop them off through. Of course this restricts its use to mainly summer, and I sweat like a pig in it then.
Anyway back to the campaign trail today, Benny reckons the window cleaner has been doing his bit, and anyone who comes into contact with the 93 is being urged to vote UJF next week. I'm glad to hear it, I was worried I was carrying a monkey on my back.

Shalom

Knackered
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The DVD player
Jesus, I haven't pulled an all nighter since I was a young whipper snapper in Mossad. I fondly remember spending dark evenings sitting in a black car watching some geezer's front door, taking pictures of him appearing at the window that sort of thing. Wouldn't you know it...as soon as we took the film down Boots to get it developed the bastard would do a runner and we wouldn't see him again, reminds a bit of the Englebert Humperdinck affair.
Anyway I spent a night watching one of my main election opponents to see if he was up to anything dodgy, maybe I could catch him sexually abusing a stuffed toy or something. The days of being able to sit in a nice warm car are long gone, and as the fastest VW in the west is a bit distinctive, I had to do the business on my bike. You ever tried sitting on a racing saddle with a camera poised at the ready...it's f**king awkward that's what! So what did I learn? Well this particular guy speaks Polish and goes to church on a Sunday, he may have a fondness for Vodka but I can't really hold that against him, after all if I bring that up then the incident involving a tin of Tesco's lager may come to the fore and that will never do. It seemed that after watching "Songs Of Praise" he went to bed and that was it.
So all in all a bit of a waste of time, but Benny remains convinced we can dig up something effective if we keep at it, so tonight instead of knocking on doors, I'm going to be out and about on my trusty racing bike and my Polaroid to dig the dirt on another unsuspecting opponent. So once again I might be too far gone to want to type in which case I'll report back on Thursday.

Shalom

The Same Old Routine
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Noel Edmond's Christmas Favourites
Well it's Sunday and you all know what that means...yep Brick Lane and the associated delights of that fine area. The closer it gets to Christmas the busier it gets and the queue outside the Bagel Bake grows longer every week.
I don't know how often you lot get down to 'The Lane' but it really can be entertaining just looking at the stuff for sale. I noticed this week that the guy who had been selling Sonny Playstations (his spelling) is this week trying to cash in on those Nintendo things. Now correct me if I'm wrong but ain't they called 'Wii'? He swears blind that they've been called 'wee' for the British market. He's flogging them for a good price too, I might pick one up next week in time for Christmas. His stuff is normally quality too, I've still got those 'Epcot Centre' mugs I bought a few years ago. Now some people who visit my place laugh at those mugs and say they're no way they're the real thing as Americans spell centre in a different way, I put that down to jealousy.
Benny has had an idea that appeals to the covert operative in me. He reckons we should be tailing a few of the other candidates in the election to dig up a bit of dirt on them, you never know one of them might be into Donkey sex or something, although I can't say I've noticed any of them in my collection of pictures. So tonight might be a late night/early morning so tomorrows update might be pretty brief if it appears at all.

Shalom

Tomorrow's Just Another Day
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Grease - The Album
Well as you all know so well, Saturday is Synagogue day and is not exactly the highlight of my week.
Just like last week I drifted off in to a world of my own as Goldberg rambled on about something or other, probably to do with religion knowing him. I did pick up on something to do with an Anna Kah or whatever, I think she's some sort of Jewish supermodel, if she comes to visit I think I might pay a bit more attention, Goldberg is not exactly easy on the eye or ears.
I didn't bother to hang around too long after everything was finished, not much point as Goldberg has brainwashed them all into supporting his chosen candidate so I'm struggling to get the Jewish vote now. Looks like I'll be foraging for scraps with the rest of them, but a few words about the right topics might get them on my side. Benny has suggested I take a more open stance with regard to Palestinian independence which might get me the illegal immigrant vote. Reckons Polish might be a good thing to start talking from now on as well, even if I don't get elected I'll be able to get some part time work in a pub after the election...now there's an idea.

Shalom

I'm The Leader Of The Gang
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Rollerball
So the first 'rally' of the campaign last night. Bit of a disappointment as only about three people were there, me, Benny, and some tramp who'd come in to get warm for a while. Benny reckons it wasn't a major disaster though as the tramp could be very influential in spreading the word on the street. Not sure about that but at least he offered to share his bottle of Cider with me which was nice.
I spent more than a hour speaking to nobody in particular, but that's not unusual for me. I explained how we'd set up squads of council tax enforcers trained by an Israeli security service, how I'd decriminalise breaking into strange womens' bedrooms with a box of chocolates under my arm, how everybody would get their windows cleaned once a year on the council. Benny thinks I went off track a bit after that as I started bringing up things like my experiences with the Kray twins, and the Six Day war. My argument is that I need to show the voters my wealth of experience, and that I'm already an ace bullshitter, they'll be no breaking in period.
Benny's trying to set up a debate with the other candidates, now that would be interesting, although from what I hear all they keep going on about is Street cleaning, and value for money for the council tax, how boring is that?

Shalom

Apocalypse Now
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Boney M
I've got to keep this short today, Benny has booked a hall somewhere for what he describes as our first rally of the campaign. The window cleaner won't be there though, he's apparently doing some overtime as he's got a bit behind on the payments for his Roller.
It was nice to see a few friendly faces at the hospital the other day. After all those days of knocking on doors to not have them slammed in your face comes as a relief, and being able to discuss the latest Fulham/Chelsea game rather than what the council plan to do about the local Cat problem also made a change. That question always stumps me, I don't like cats but I've a feeling I'd lose a few votes if I actually came out and said so. When I was working with Mossad they did give me an explosive sniffing dog to keep me company. F**king thing spent most of the time barking though so I dumped it by the side of the North Circular (I was undercover in Harlesden at the time). That'll teach me to hide my semtex in the fridge.
Anyway I've got to put the finishing touches to my speech, my theme tonight is going to be council tax dodgers and what we'll do with the thieving bastards, might even touch on Gippos if I get really bold.

Shalom

Paperback Writer
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: I Spy
Spent a couple of hours at the hospital yesterday moving from one photocopy machine to another so it didn't look like I was taking the piss too much...clever eh. Once I was done I thought I'd catch up with goings on there, after all a man in my position needs to be alert for any possible changes. Turns out we're getting a new DTM in the new year to finally replace the geezer who'd been scheduling our rosters by the phases of the moon and tides. This one has a military background by all accounts. I'm f**king pleased about that, probably just jacked in the Army after seeing some action in Iraq and Afghanistan, we'll probably be on the same wavelength from day one, that'll shake up some of the lazy bastards round here...as long as I'm allowed regular fag breaks we'll get on fine.
Later on today we're going to plaster posters on to the side of my Mossad designed racing bike so when I'm cycling around town the campaign will get extra publicity. I was going to use the fastest VW in the west to take care of this, but it's coming up for its MOT, plus with the price of petrol and the insurance I don't think I'll use it for this. I'm not made of money after all, even though I have access to the secret Mossad bank account, have a flat in Geneva, own a farm in Kent, and still have a little something stashed away from some investments I had when I hung around with the Krays.

Shalom

That Don't Impress Me Much
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Bambi
Another day and another endless knocking on doors. It's been a real culture shock to actually wait for someone to open a door rather than either pick the lock or blow the bloody thing off of its hinges. Most of the time nobody answers either although I'm sure I've spotted more than one person hiding behind their couch. I'm putting together a little list and I'll deal with these characters when the election is over, my guess is that they must have some grudge against the homeland.
Still wasn't all failure yesterday, some people like to debate and I spent ages with some geezer who reckoned he'd done it all. Well I had to listen to his bullshit for what seemed like hours. He told me how he'd been there when Hitler was blown up, how he'd taken Arnhem single handedly, and flew every plane in the Berlin airlift. How can I take someone like that seriously, f**king nuthouse is where he should be, at least I've got a proven track record, Hollywood have at least made some of my stuff into films even though they made some alterations to protect my identity. The Great Escape and Cockleshell Heroes spring to mind, but the Man From UNCLE was also broadly based on my case files. I just hope I don't come across too many of these types.
Still no sign of the window cleaner on the campaign trail, Benny tells me that with his current shift pattern it's hard for him to join in, says he's working the 93. Well that must be one f**king big house because he's been working the 93 for the last couple of weeks, lazy bastard.
Anyway, have to go and photocopy a few hundred more leaflets so I'm off down the hospital.

Shalom

I've Been Driving In My Car
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: Lionel Blair and Eminem sing White Christmas
Back to pounding the streets today. I thought this election business was all glamour, and that a person of my standing and reputation would be followed everywhere by camera crews and reporters. After all it's not everyday that the guy who James Bond could have been modelled on stands for election.
So far the only people following seem to be a group of teenagers who look like they've missed the Mustard Bus and have adopted me as their saviour. I can't get rid of them either and the dopey bastards can't even vote.
Benny was back on the scene today, and has promised to put right the publicity thing. He's going to get on to all the papers and make sure I get a few interviews. We have a radical programme to get out there, sometime this week I'll run you lot through what we see as the issues. I am a bit concerned about the Window Cleaner's contribution though. He seems to have only his own interests at heart, and wants us to focus on how dirty the windows are on some buses. Not sure this is within the remit of the local council but I'll play along.
I was a bit disappointed by Mossad's response to my request for a few heavies to help me out. They reckon they don't have anyone available at the moment although I could take a couple of rejects from the Moshe Dayan academy if I wanted. I don't think so somehow, those academy rejects make the group following me look almost normal.
Anyway better get on my footwear and knock on a few doors.

Shalom

The Diary Of Horace Wimp
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Ping Pong
Sorry about the late update today, because it's Christmas it seems like everyone and his goat are heading towards Brick Lane to get some Christmas shopping done on the cheap. The traffic was pretty bad, and I struggled to find somewhere to chain up my bike. Even had to queue at the Bagel Bake, my elite status counts for nothing there.
Took a look at those dodgy Playstation 3's that one of the stalls there is trying to flog, still not convinced they're the real thing, something don't seem right with them, apparently that major Japanese company changed their name to Sonny last year, at least that's what the Polish bloke behind the stall said, had a bit of trouble understanding him too, he had a bit of a stutter and his face looked familiar. Time to delve into my files later on I think.So I cycled back without one, but at least I got my Bagels.
Yesterday at the Synagogue was a bit of a washout as I fell asleep during the goings on and so have no idea what Goldberg waffled on about. Benny never showed and nobody else seemed to want to talk about it, I did get some strange looks afterwards so I think Goldberg may have said a few dodgy things while I was not as alert as I usually am. He'd better be careful, I can rustle up a fleet of black cars with strange guys in them with one phone call.
Last night I spent tucked up in bed oiling the shaft of my semi automatic watching my latest DVD purchase of "HR Puff n Stuff", Jesus that was a f**king off the wall programme, didn't make much sense when I watched it with Frankie Fraser, still doesn't make much sense now. I think I need to research my purchases a bit more carefully in future.

Shalom

Where Do You Go To My Lovely
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Badminton
A break from the Campaign trail today as it's off down the Synagogue to do some praying, chanting, and trying to avoid the collection tin. I'll be doing my best to charm a few people though, hey an aspiring politician never switches off, and with my rugged good looks I know the women will fall over themselves for me, that's why today I dressed in all black, plus you'd be amazed at how much they all like Milk Tray.
Yesterdays campaigning was a bit of a nightmare. Benny the master tactician decided we should try to hit the places where there were likely to be large groups of people gathered. Using his intelligence network he worked out that every Friday there is a large gathering at certain buildings around the area. turns out that with our Israeli flags and Mossad Tee shirts we were about as welcome as the BNP in an immigration detention centre as Benny had targeted all the local Mosques...he's a card that Benny!
Anyway, no time to dawdle today, I've got hands to shake and women to charm although with the weather I don't think any of them are going to be wandering around dressed in Bikinis which always seems to be the case for that James Bond geezer.

Shalom

Vote For Me
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: All The President's Men
I didn't know that all this election crap was such hard work. Benny suggested that today we do some door to door stuff. I haven't done any of that since I was on the Gaza Strip with the Israeli Army. Even worse I was going to have to do it without any armoured back up. I only calmed down when Benny explained I'd be merely knocking on people's doors, not blowing them off with a shaped charge or hand grenade. So I dutifully started down the street. It's not the most comfortable experience I've ever had, those people who did answer their doors bombarded me with all sorts of questions. Now while I've always had an opinion on virtually anything, I've got no interest in why the Dustman won't pick up any rubbish that might spill out of a bin, or why the local Library shuts early on a Friday. For f**ks sake ask me about something I'm interested in like the effective range of an AK47, or the best way to tap someones phone undetected. All I know is some people have to get a life.
Also not sleeping well since I started this lark. I keep having this dream about Yitzhak Rabin and the words "watch out for the Jewboy with the gun" keep echoing round my head. Is it an omen, I don't know, but I'll be on the phone to Mossad Sunday to call in a few favours. Bastards don't work Saturdays or Friday afternoons due to religious reasons.

Shalom

Busman's Holiday
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: St Winifred's School Choir do Rap
So yesterday was the first day on the campaign trail. It didn't start too well either. Met Benny at the agreed bus stop, only to find they wouldn't let me take my bike on the bus when it finally turned up. F**king London Transport, I'll remember the attitude of their staff when I get into power. Anyway we finally found somewhere in Wimbledon where we could chain up the bike. It's pretty safe as I rig up something from the Mossad surplus store to secure it. Also just to put people more on edge I write something in Arabic on it too. You'd be surprised how well that works, even though it's only a little note I wrote for when I went to the KFC in Damascus asking for a bargain bucket.
So eventually we get on a bus. Benny - who seems to have become my campaign manager - suggested we just tour the area to decide which parts we'll target. Now call me dumb, but I always thought carrying out a bombing raid is not the way to win votes, although to tell the truth some areas would probably look better if we did that. He also showed me the design for our first campaign leaflet. Very distinctive, and if the lazy bastard gets his act together you'll get to see it too. He said he's currently negotiating with a couple of printers to get a good discount rate. I don't know why he's bothered, I could run a load of them off on the hospital photocopier if he lets me, or just terrorise the local Jewish printer, for some reason the word Mossad makes him sweat.
So once we got going it all went OK, never got to meet up with the window cleaner, who I think is just riding along on my tail and will no doubt claim all the glory when we win. I do understand he's busy though, I was struck by the number of places that actually have windows, window cleaning could be the industry of the future.

Shalom

We're All Going On A Summer Holiday
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Dixon Of Dock Green
Ever since Liebeman fell from power in disgrace, I knew that I fancied a taste of all those freebies that councillors get either legally or a little illegally if you know what I mean. I'm looking forward to attending meetings and just sitting there looking dumb, and the free tea and biscuits afterwards. First though there is the problem of winning an election, and with nominations scheduled to close any day now, it looks like I might have my work cut out for me.
First off, the big three parties will all be putting up a show for this one, they're not really a major problem though, my area normally goes for an Independent. What worries me is some of the others. Commie-Tec after the great election fraud earlier this year have made way for some geezer called Nelson who is representing some organisation called ANC, I think they're some sort of insurance company. Then there's another bloke called Lech who is obviously trying to court the Eastern European vote in my opinion, better watch him closely. A lot of the others who stood in May are also standing again so it's all going to get a bit exciting soon.
I've saved up all my leave for this campaign, and I'll start using it as from tomorrow. Me and Benny are going to buy a Travelcard so not only can we hold our meetings on buses, but we can get around on the trains as well. He did reckon we'd be better off using something called an Oyster, but I'm allergic to seafood so that's a no no.
So it's farewell to my trolley for a few weeks, and hello to the soapbox, I just hope my voice holds out.

Shalom

On The Buses
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Pet Shop Boys
You know things are grim when you can't find anything to investigate, or someone to stitch up. I know I said I'd be delving into the blend of secret Herbs and Spices that go into a KFC, but to tell the truth it's one of the highlights of my life and I'd rather not spoil it for myself.
Benny called last night, and he has worked out a convenient time and place for our first proper election campaign meeting. He wants me to meet him at a bus stop in Wimbledon. His theory being that there will be no chance of our meetings being bugged this way, plus it'll give us a chance to meet up with the window cleaner. I'm not too pleased by this as it means I'll have to fork out for a bus ticket, and the way Ken Livingstone's going it'll break the bank for me. Maybe I'll be able to bunk on by the middle door or something.
The Christmas edition of 'Secret Agent' magazine is due on the shelves any day now, and as is traditional they have a little Christmas calender thing with agents adopting certain action poses. I was asked if I'd be interested in repeating my undercover performance in that "Oh Calcutta" or whatever it was called a few years back. I did think about it but I wasn't too keen in where they wanted to place the sprig of Holly. As a nice touch I would have been on the page celebrating Hanukkah, I think they went elsewhere, we shall see.

Shalom

Casino Royale
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Clive Dunn's Grandad
So after all the excitement of the weekend, it's back to reality with a crash, and I'm pushing my old trolley through the corridors of one the leading hospitals of the NHS just going through the motions. I really think I'd better have a word with my Mossad controller about this assignment. I'm not gathering any useful intelligence, I can't remember the last time I sent a report back to Tel Aviv, they got sort of fed up with hearing that the waiting time in Casualty was now six hours, but that's all I can really muster. In my position unless I engage in some clandestine activity I don't have access to the really juicy areas, and I've been forbidden to do that by the powers that be back in the homeland. How can a highly skilled operative like me operate like that. When I was trained we were told that's what we had to do. It's political correctness gone mad, although they reckon it's got something to do with an event that happened at some hotel in the USA called Watergate that I happened to be staying at. Pure coincidence I tell you, I couldn't find any batteries for my torch, plus I was still waiting for my lock picking kit to arrive, so how could it have been me? Never have anything you order from the Exchange & Mart shipped to the US, it takes ages.
Some of you have asked if Mossad had anything to do with that Russian geezer who they reckoned was poisoned with radiation or whatever. As per usual I can't comment on stuff like that, but all I will say is that we prefer to do things a little cheaper than that, that stuff costs money. If you ask me he just had a bad piece of Sushi, happened to me once and I spent all night on the bog. Blimey was my arse sore after that.

Shalom

Pizza Express
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Some David Hasselhoff
Another night of excitement zipping around the streets of London, what is in the boxes...I have no idea so it's almost like old times again. I did speak to the manager at Domino's to try and get our delivery methods a little more exciting. For many years I have been enormously successful breaking into women's bedrooms and leaving them a box of chocolates. I suggested that we try the same thing with Pizza, but coward as he obviously is he said he was worried about complaints and the Police getting involved. As you know, the Police do not concern me, but I do have the mysterious ID card with the Star of David on it which comes in handy. The manager also mentioned that he would rather I didn't used shaped charges to blow down doors when people don't answer, it's a bit noisy apparently and I'm to bring the Pizza back to base to be reheated and delivered elsewhere.
So it is with weary eyes and head that I set off down the Bagel Bake this morning, after spending a weekend looking at Pepperoni, Cheese, and all that other stuff they put on Pizzas, it'll be nice to get back to normal food. Admittedly my freezer is full of Pizza, but for a pick me up you can't beat the Brick Lane Bagel. Just something about it that gets you going. Brick Lane was pretty crowded this morning, well it's getting near Christmas I'm told, and I noticed a stall selling Playstation 3's at fifty quid a pop. I'm not sure if they're genuine though, although the boxes look the part. I might invest in one next week, stick on ebay and make a nice little profit.
I'm hoping that this week we'll finally get the election campaign underway, although I've heard that the window cleaner guy needs to fit in meetings around his shifts. Never thought window cleaners did shifts, but in the world we live in I guess everything is needed round the clock.

Shalom

Cold Pizza
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Matt Munro
Wow, I'm knackered. My first night doing the Pizza thing and I was pretty busy. Not very happy though, turns out I have to zip around on some shitty little moped rather than some superbike. I'm just glad I have to wear a helmet so nobody can see me on it. Still after one night I have a few ideas I think I'll put to the manager to improve things, we'll see how he takes it.
Synagogue today, and same old same old religious bullshit. Goldberg really could liven it up a bit by getting a couple of Kosher pole dancers to do their thing while he rants on about something or other. Maybe I'll raise that at the next Synagogue committee session, we don't have them very often, and when we do they're full of old has beens who want to discuss something about some old book called Torah Torah Torah or whatever.
Anyway I need to get some shuteye before my next shift starts so this has to be short today.

Shalom

The Land Of Make Believe
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Bucks Fizz's Greatest Hits
I've decided to finish off the week on a sickie, no point in going in for just one day, and if it's OK for all the other lazy bastards to do it, it's OK for me.
I finally get to start my little part time job tonight with Domino's. I thought it was an all week thing, but turns out I'll only be needed at weekends. I'm also a bit annoyed that I'm not going to be allowed to use the fastest VW in the west to make the deliveries. The manager is dead set on me using the company bikes, no problem, my skill on two wheels is second to none, and it's a bit classy I guess turning up on an 1100cc bike just for a Pizza. I like this company already.
Not much else going on, as planned I stuffed myself with a Bargain Bucket yesterday. The election campaign is a bit dead in the water at the moment as Benny has disappeared off the radar this week. Anyway until we know who the other candidates are there probably isn't much point doing any work. You can rest assured though that once we find out, we'll be digging up as much dirt as we can on them, hopefully we can out one of them as a gay boy or something, that normally livens things up a bit. We'll know all that next week when the deadline passes for nominations...actually that reminds me...we're a few signatures short, better start working on some forgeries just in case.
OK, well you slaves can enjoy your day, I'm certainly going to enjoy mine.

Shalom