There's an awful lot of coffee in Starbucks
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: Anything sung by anyone from Eastenders
Sorry for the late update today, I was so hyper after sinking what must have been about seventeen cups of coffee in Starbucks yesterday that I needed something to burn some of the energy off.
To do that I decided to take a trip down the Edgware Road - the part where all the Arabs hang out - and see if I could generate a little bit of action down there by cycling up and down waving an Israeli flag. Sadly I got stuck behind a tractor being driven by some geezer wearing an Ipswich shirt, and by the time I got up to Tower Bridge my enthusiasm had worn off a little, plus I'd realised that in all the excitement I'd packed a Welsh flag and not an Israeli one.
Anyway I didn't get home until late (about 9 pm) and sat there twiddling the knobs on the radio until I fell asleep. Nothing interesting on there either, it really is a slow time of year.
Brick Lane was nice and quiet this morning too, the Christmas rush is well and truly over so with my Bagels in my saddlebag I thought I'd take a trip down memory lane and check out a few of the places me, Ronnie and Reggie would hang about in. There's the Blind Beggar of course which I notice now has railings outside where you can chain up your bike. Why they didn't have them all those years ago I've no idea. Maybe there's more thieves about. The billiard hall in Mile End has long gone, replaced by a mosque or something, I should remember that.
So today I'm going to laze about, I sure won't be visiting Starbucks for a while, not if that's the effect coffee is going to have on me, plus I had to make so many trips to the bog it's unreal.

Shalom

Synagogue Saturday
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Celebrity Big Brother
Well it's Saturday, so I dutifully donned the bike clips and zoomed off down to the Synagogue to see if the New Year means a fresh approach from Goldberg. Well you guessed it, it was the usual old bullshit. Still it gave me the opportunity to wear my new safety skull cap which I've taken to wearing whenever I'm on my bike. Bright Yellow, made of plastic with some Styrofoam inside. I'm trying it out at the request of Mossad scientists, if it works out well, it'll become standard issue to all agents.
Some of you have asked what happened to the part time job I had at the Pizza place. Well to tell the truth I wasn't really cut out for that line of work. Sure I was good at it, what else would I be, and I sure was determined to make sure the Pizza arrived. I think the final straw was the fact that I ended up having to abseil down the side of a building one night after nobody answered the door. Took me f*cking ages to sort out the gear and can you believe the bastard never gave me a tip.
Anyway I was going to carry on the review of 2006 and I thought to myself why the f*ck should I bother now? If you really wanted to know what I was up to you could just go back and read through the f*cking archives on this site. So as far as I'm concerned that's it, we're all square.
Since Synagogue finished this morning I've been hanging around in Starbucks, the electricity is free, and I've found a way to hack in to their wireless network. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, you quite often see people sitting on the comfy chairs in Starbucks doing absolutely nothing, not even drinking f*cking coffee. At least I'm having the decency to help out their staff. Place would be full of half drunk cups of coffee if I didn't finish them off...well you didn't think I'd pay the price they ask for that shit do you?
I am paying a price for all this though, I need another piss and I just spotted the fact that nobody is in the bog.

Shalom

Flushed with success
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Sounds from the public convenience
Squatting in trap 3 as I do at about the same time every day (Bagels are good for your Bowel movements) to type this thing out not only while being paid, but actually for free, you hear some interesting things. No I'm not talking about the geezer straining next door after his had a night on the Guinness (normally confirmed by a shout of Jesus when he no doubt checks out what he's done), but by the conversations you hear between those blokes 'shaking hands with the unemployed' at the Urinals.
Yesterday I heard a couple of the quacks chatting about the geezer with variable bad back syndrome. I knew they were talking about him because one of them was referring to a big ginger c*nt. Turns out that he has a history of being thrown out of chairs, even happened on a plane once according to them. Now I've flown hundreds of times, and the only time I've been thrown out of an aircraft seat is when I was a bit slow off the mark to take part in a HALO drop over Brixton. Anyway one of the quacks was thinking that maybe he's having a nerve spasm or something that causes him to be thrown across the room. He's thinking of writing about it in 'The Lancet'. I know the ginger geezer won't be too keen on that. He's made a fortune out of compensation from chair manufacturers, most of which he has pumped into the Civil War movement (don't ask me how he got into Abraham Lincoln and all) so he'd have to give it back if they can prove it's a medical condition. I'll be keeping my ears to the ground about this one, although of course if someone spots me looking from underneath the door of the toilet cubicle they might get a tad suspicious.
I'll continue the review of 2006 tomorrow, someone has just shuffled in to the next trap, and by the smell of it had a rough curry last night, and I forgot my breathing gear so before I get overcome by the fumes I'd better get out.

Shalom

Review of the year continues
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Monopoly
Well hanging around the A&E ended up pretty boring yesterday. Didn't see anyone else who looked familiar, just the usual assortment of Junkies and weirdos who are regulars there and the patients. I was asked to stay on for a few extra hours because of some coach crash but I'd had my fill for the day, plus I'd recorded a few episodes of Eastenders over Christmas and hadn't got round to watching them properly. You'd be surprised how much you can learn about life in Britain by closely following a programme like that. Needless to say I'll be filing my report to Mossad later in the week.
The review of the year takes us into February today, the shortest month of the year and probably the least active where I was concerned. Now what did I do in February? I attended the opening of the Newspaper stall outside Tooting Bec station, I'm on record as the 7th person to buy a copy of the Evening Standard there, only picked that up because they didn't have a copy of the West Bank Times. Also that was when Benny and me had our first chat about putting my thoughts and actions in writing and displaying them to the world on a daily basis. This whole thing is really Benny's idea, I really must buy him a drink one day, I think they have Panda Cola going cheap down at the local corner shop, must stop by on the way home.
Well sounds like someone has just assumed the position in the trap next door so I'd better be going.

Shalom

F*cking technical problems
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Prince Charming
Well that was a great start to 2007 wasn't it? No update yesterday from me. I'll use the old chestnut excuse of technical difficulties. First off the battery in my laptop went flat, then the plug socket in the bogs wasn't working. When I eventually found one that worked, the hospital wireless network was down. Talk about a pain in the arse. I tried everything, even NHS Direct, all they wanted to know was whether I had a headache or something. They told me to go and see a doctor for my pain in the arse, they just didn't get it. Anyway there are only so many trips you can make to the bog without people noticing and I'm glad to see everything is up and running normally today.
Not that anything dramatic happened. I was loitering around the A&E and I noticed that big ginger haired geezer with the variable bad back was sitting there. Turns out his recliner threw him across the living room while he was watching some Larry Grayson. He reckons he was thrown so violently that there is now a dent in his living room wall. He's looking for a few weeks off work to recover which he knows the tame quack here will give him. I asked him what he'll do while he's off and he said something about sharpening his Pike. I've no idea what that means.
Now that we've rung in 2007, I guess we can start with a review of 2006. Let's start with January. Well at that stage I wasn't laying my thoughts before you, so you'll have to take my word for it that the Bagels were tasty and I managed to wriggle out of a charge of breaking and entering. You'll be amazed how many fall for the old Milk Tray routine. Why was I breaking and entering? Well certain high powered individuals are still looking for reasons to have invaded certain places. I'd broken into the HQ of Pontin's to see if I could find confirmation of their plans to build a camp near Baghdad. Let's face it, does the world really need another one. Well I was caught red handed with a copy of their latest brochure, which sad to say didn't mention their Middle East enterprise at all. The mysterious ID card with the Star of David on it, plus a box of Milk Tray saved the day again. I walked away a free man.
OK, better be going, time to see if anyone else I know has shown up in A&E.

Shalom

Welcome to 2007
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Marcus Welby MD
What a f*cking miserable New Year's eve that turned out to be. I didn't bother going to work, I push enough trolleys around a year, why bother looking for extra. I declined Benny's invitation to what the invite said was 'A Celebration of Leather' I don't know about you, but that sort of thing always concerns me. In the end I thought I'd spend the evening with the Window Cleaner on the 93, only to find my Travelcard had expired and they wouldn't let me on the bus. Why didn't I cycle I hear you ask...well even though I have the mysterious ID card with the Star of David on it, I think the Police have enough to do on New Year's Eve without being humiliated by me.
So I spent the night nursing a can of Tennant's Super I'd been saving for a special occasion listening to my radio as the New Year was cheered in over the world. I also learned that Bulgaria and Romania are now members of the EU. They sort of sneaked that one in didn't they, more f*cking scroungers are no doubt on their way here, I bet that Ryanair lot can't wait to set up a few new routes there, lots of one way tickets will be sold.
I did go to those countries once, I was part of a special Mossad squad who had the task of carrying out a sensitive operation. Apparently the Bulgarians had made a bit of a leap in washing machine technology and we had the task of getting the secret. It all went well until we got back to the Airport, the bastards wouldn't let us take the machine on board as hand luggage, and we weren't going to pay the excess baggage charge to put it in the hold. We did think about dismantling the thing and bringing it back piece by piece, someone even suggested that the drum would fit in my mouth, but we hadn't packed our Israeli Army screwdrivers so we left it behind. The big secret by the way was that they'd fitted a window in the door so you could watch your washing go round and round.
Over the next few days, I'll start raking over 2006 to see if anything noteworthy actually happened.

Shalom

Another Year almost over
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Auld Lang Syne
I was going to do a review of the year today but as someone told me the year doesn't officially end for a few more hours, plenty of time for something dramatic to happen and for me to be called into action.
Still it was back into the old routine today, cycle to Brick Lane, Bagel Bake, a bit of shopping, then back home. Not so busy on the roads, well Christmas is over and everybody is probably busy getting pissed for New Year's Eve.
I still haven't worked out what to do tonight, do I go with Benny, do I ride the Bus with the window cleaner, or do I spend the night at work earning treble time and practicing martial arts on unsuspecting drunks in the A&E at work? It's purely voluntary to go in on a New Year's Eve and I've never done it myself, the other lads tell me it's good fun so I'm mightily tempted.
See all the fuss about Saddam is beginning to die down a bit, and about time too. One Newspaper which shall remain nameless for legal reasons - it sells to a specialised audience anyway - was giving away Saddam execution hoods today. Apparently you can be the real life and soul of the party by going to your New Year's Eve event done up just like the poor old misunderstood former dictator of Iraq. Problem is, wouldn't you be bumping into things all the time? The hood if I remember had no holes in it for the eyes, still it would work if you are dog ugly...or have big ears.
Anyway that about wraps it up this year for me, maybe I'll get my arse in gear and we'll look back at my action filled life of 2006 tomorrow, I'll see how I feel.
Happy New Year.

Shalom

Hang 'em High
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: Rope dealers of Baghdad
Jesus am I tired this morning. I got the word that old Saddam was going to dangle just before I was about to hit the sack last night. Excited as I was, I stayed up all night long to watch Fox News's 'Saddam's Execution' special. I was hoping for a few live pictures, but thinking about it the geezer at the end of the rope wouldn't have been very live so it wouldn't have made good viewing, bit like watching Bolton play football actually. Anyway I expect in the next few days, the rope they hung Saddam with will appear on Ebay, and the actual video will appear somewhere online, probably alongside Britney Spear's latest appearance, failing that I'm sure 'The Sun' or 'The Daily Mail' will have a free copy of the DVD to give away to every reader in the New Year.
Of course when I got to the Synagogue this morning it was the biggest topic of conversation. Even Goldberg was moved enough to mention it, but that geezer is so out of touch he also stated that Ribbentrop and co were done at the same time. Now I'm no history buff, but I don't remember Saddam being a member of the Nazi party, wouldn't be surprised though, you'd be amazed at who is on the list that Mossad have got.
I reckon that Saddam dangling will be the last exciting event of the year, and I wasn't even involved in it. If I had been it would have been Pepsi Max and Milk Tray all round afterwards, I don't want to sound boastful but I did send one of my surplus black hoods out to Baghdad a couple of days ago in the hope that it might come in handy, sounds like the bastard declined the offer though, complained that it smelt a bit of Cream Cheese. You try doing an all night stake out without eating, it's not easy especially down Brick Lane.
Anyway if I get up early enough tomorrow I might do a review of the year, if not you'll get the usual bullshit!

Shalom

Deal Or No Deal
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Diddy David Hamilton
F*cking hospital plumbing! It took me half an hour yesterday to sort out that bog, that'll teach me for using so much bog paper I suppose, plus I normally flush my secret Mossad messages at the same time. I'll have to think of a new way of disposing of them.
I've been taken to task for my extravagant lifestyle by one of the readers of this pile of crap. He reckons that I shouldn't boast about spending money at Argos or dining at KFC on a regular basis. Well I take the point, maybe I have been a bit wasteful with my Mossad gift card and in 2007 I'll try and be a bit more thrifty. In future I'll only go to the Halal Fried Chicken in Tooting Broadway and I'll shop at charity shops instead. I will draw the line though at supporting organisations like the Salvation Army. They should get their money from the Government like any other military body.
Talking of 2007 it's New Year's Eve on Sunday, and Benny has got an invite to some little event and wants me to join him. Something to do with the fashion industry is what he tells me. I'm not so sure about that and besides I do have another offer to ride along on the 93 with the Window Cleaner, that may be more fun.
Anyway I'm going to take a little more time over flushing today so I'd better cut this short.

Shalom

The day after yesterday
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Dad's Army
Can't spend too long here today, I'm hoping to be able to sneak out early, a small bonus if you like for playing that red coated geezer on Monday.
Everyone at the hospital is banging on about this government report that reckons people spend longer in a hospital if they get admitted on a Thursday. Only 6.1 days, f*ck me they even include the three days you spend sitting in a corridor being ignored, always the same with these intellectual types, making things sound worse than they actually are. Of course there aren't so many elite trolley pushers around at weekends either, someone like me for instance is excused Saturdays on religious grounds plus the fact that I'm a lazy bastard who can't be bothered to drag his arse out of bed unless the Milk Tray or Pepsi Max delivery is due.
I've gone back to spending my evenings playing with the Shortwave radio I got at Argos a few months back. It's amazing how much shit you'll find on there, crap like Radio 1, Capital Radio amongst others. I did manage to get something from Radio Tirana last night, a very educational programme about how to claim benefits in the UK. My god those geezers were well informed, and it's nice to see that a nation's people are being kept informed about developments in other countries. It's much cheaper to do this sort of thing over the radio rather than organise clandestine missions where you'd have to immerse yourself in another culture so you wouldn't stand out. Some countries call this a cultural exchange, Israel calls it Mossad. I managed to visit over a hundred countries thanks to them, and I've got the photos to prove it.
Anyway, duty calls, plus for some reason the flush in this bog isn't doing its job and I might have to go and find a plunger.

Shalom

The Sound Of Silence
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Roger Whittaker
So it's back into the old routine. There really is something soothing about the squeak of the wheels of the trolley against a recently waxed corridor, I really did miss that noise.
Not much has been going on at the hospital since I left. The place is still full of sick people, that's something that'll never change, they're like a never ending conveyor belt. Mind you I think most of them are wimps, don't even look sick, now having your leg blown off or having to undergo emergency surgery in the field, that's being sick, coming in here for a sex change operation, that's taking the piss.
Some of the lads have been giving me a bit of stick about my performance in the election, but that's ok. I increased the UJF vote by an enormous amount so I'm pretty proud really. At least I had the guts to stand up and be counted, although that is nothing new for me. Look at all the incidents that have occurred and you'll always see me at the front of the action. The Raid on Entebbe, Fairoaks Airport Massacre, Milk Tray ads, The Shooting of George Cornell, The eviction of Tubby Isaacs from Petticoat Lane, the list goes on and on. Sadly though none of these acts have received official recognition, a necessary evil when you have to work undercover. If I'm ever allowed to retire, then maybe I could write my life story, I already have a title in mind.
Anyway there's someone groaning on the trolley outside the bogs, that'll be my guy, I'm supposed to be taking him up to surgery or something so I guess I'd better get him up there before they close the theatre due to fog.

Shalom

The First Noel
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day
Thank f*ck for that, I've been able to dump that stupid f*cking outfit and stop acting like I enjoy being a happy c*nt.
Settled down last night for the usual dose of Christmas entertainment, that's right I broke out my Man From U.N.C.L.E boxset. I refuse to watch shit like The Vicar Of Dibley on the grounds that they are anti semitic. The TV planners should really remember that a large number of us ain't interested in some fat chocolate eating tart, or watching Pauline Fowler getting her comeuppance. Now if they'd had her bumped off by an Israeli death squad I would have watched it. I don't know why we can't have some more Jewishness this time of year, how about The Rabbi of Tooting or something. About the only Jewboy you see on TV this time of year - apart from Jesus - is that Fagin character from Oliver, and while he is pretty accurate, they always get an ugly actor to play him.
Anyway watching Robert Vaughan as Napoleon Solo and that other bloke play that Russian was the ideal antidote, although I must say some of the way they deal with things is a little far fetched, for instance my suit quite often got a little ruffled while climbing a wall, their ones always stay nicely pressed, maybe Mossad skimped on our suits although I find that hard to believe being as Israel proudly boasts the best tailors in the world.
So I can't wait until this Christmas lark is over and we can all get back to being miserable so and so's. Next week it'll be a new year and I'm quite looking forward to it as I'll be moving up the seniority ranks and might get some tasty new assignments.

Shalom

So This Is Christmas
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Father Christmas
Ho f*cking Ho, if I have to say that one more time when some f*cking obnoxious little brat throws up on me I'll think I'll go berserk in the local shopping centre. This morning the Duty Trolley Manager thought it'd be a nice touch for one of us to do the Rolf Harris bit on Christmas day and dish out a little Christmas cheer while dressed up in some dodgy red outfit. My name came out of the hat apparently (I wasn't there so I can't be certain it wasn't fixed), so I've spent the morning trooping around the corridors go ho f*cking ho every five minutes and laughing every time somebody tugs at the false beard I've been given. I was also given a lot of plastic tat to dish out to the kids.
This Christmas lark has always bothered me. First off if this Santa geezer is so secretive why the f*ck does he dress in a bright red outfit, that's not the way clandestine operatives work. How the f*ck does the fat bastard get down chimneys and through air conditioning systems? Where's he get all the money to pay for all the crap he gives away, and last but not least how the f*ck does he get reindeer to move that fast? Mossad have missed a trick or two here let me tell you, maybe instead of trying to infiltrate anti Jewish organisations and bumping off prominent Arabs and ex Nazis, the talents of Mossad would be put to better use working all of this out. Solve this mystery and we could rule the world plus take a healthy cut of the profits.
Also all this fuss for some Jewish geezer's birthday? Don't remember anyone going to all this extreme to celebrate mine, but thinking about it that's not a bad idea. It would be easier to work out who I am if there were banners everywhere marking the occasion, and for a secret operative like me, keeping low is for the best.
Anyway, even though I've not always been a good boy it's still nice that Santa still thinks of me. This morning when I leapt out of bed to shove a Bagel in the microwave, I found he'd left me a brand new clip for my Uzi, a Kevlar helmet, and an old PLO codebook signed by Yassar Arafat.
So for those of you not stuffed with Turkey and booze, have a happy Christmas, and don't end up in casualty as I'm in a bad mood and I can't guarantee your safety. Ho f*cking Ho.

Shalom

The Land Of Make Believe
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Now all the election stuff has died down a bit I can look at the result with more rational eyes and see that the UJF have actually made great strides in the last six months. In May we didn't get a single vote, this time around we got five. Obviously my oratory skills have made a difference, all we need to do now is fine tune our programme and we'll be on the march. Benny has told me to purchase a couple of Travelcards so we can have a bit of a party conference sometime in the New Year. I was also surprised to see the leap in the Alien Alliance vote, there are obviously more f*cking nutters around who believe the X Files are based on fact than I realised.
Today is the last Sunday before the piss up known as Christmas. My cycle up to Brick Lane took a little longer today as the US Air Force still haven't dropped off my new saddle so I had to cycle a little more gingerly than I normally would. The Yanks are blaming the weather of course. A little bit of Fog and they're brought to their knees. Wouldn't have lasted long in the Desert would they? I remember having to navigate my tank through a f*cking sandstorm. OK I didn't end up where I should have but I still drove the thing. Indirectly that lead to The Great Escape which I've mentioned more than once.
Tomorrow while you lot are gulping down your Turkey, I've been roped in to do the Santa thing at work, which means just I have to act happy and go ho ho ho from time to time. I f*cking hate it and I swear they only do it because I'm Jewish.

Shalom

The Party's Over
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Anything miserable
So the election is finally over, it was a close race and needed about three recounts. By the time Benny and I got back from our election party at the Bus garage we were dead knackered and I couldn't be bothered to type.
I guess I'd better put you out of your suspense by telling you that I didn't win, all that work for nothing, f*cking voters deserve what they get. I froze my nuts off standing outside the polling station using my most intimidating stare to force people to vote for me, they're all just a bunch of anti semitic scumbags I tell you.
The count itself was pretty exciting, there is something very pleasurable about seeing a box empty its contents onto a table, reminded me of a film I once saw, not that I've ever seen it available to rent in Blockbuster. The turnout was pretty good, and we had high hopes that it was going to be our night. Only me and Benny were there though as the window cleaner had a night shift to do. It became clear pretty quickly that our man from Lagos hadn't done his stuff as our pile of votes was not what was promised.
Anyway to cut a long story short - which makes a change for me - we had to endure three recounts before the result was made official, after which we went back to the Bus garage and drowned our sorrows in that Kosher sparkling wine we'd already bought and couldn't take back.
This morning my head hurts and I just know I'm going to cop a load of verbal at the Synagogue, not that Goldberg and his mates have anything to be proud of either.

Shalom

Merton East By-Election Result

Polling Date: 21st December 2006

Mandela, Nelson (African National Congress) 465
Walesa, Lech (Solidarity) 451
Wilson, Harold (Dead Prime Minister) 153
Merciless, Minge The (Alien Alliance) 262
Von Kenna, Heinrich (National Socialist) 433
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (President of Iran and all Muslims are nice) 35
Man, Mystery (UJF) 5
Finkelberger, Leonard Ben Gurion (Likud) 167
Nelson, Horatio (Liberal Democrat) 78
Atlee, Clement (New Labour) 65
Thatcher, Margaret (Conservative) 0

Nelson Mandela has hereby been elected as councillor for Merton East.

Last Campaign Day
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: Anything remotely to do with Jewish Religion
Last day on the campaign trail today, I'll be glad when it's all over and I can go back to work for a rest, I've missed my trolley and all the banter with the lads.
Today we're doing an aggressive leaflet drop on an area which my sources tell me is full of undecideds. It didn't look too friendly to me but I thought I'd give it a go. The fastest VW in the west is actually proving an asset as I'm able to display lots of pictures on the windows and it certainly creates quite a stir. The pictures of the Israeli Air Force bombing nuclear power stations is particularly effective to me, and sends out a strong message to any of those namby pamby tree huggers that we're all for environmentally friendly alternative fuels. Actually I quite enjoy nuclear power as it also means we can develop a nice little explosive devices, but of course you never tell the voters that.
Did bump into a couple of the other candidates on the road today, the Lib Dem one is a very strange creature wearing his bright yellow rosette and his sandals, looks like a care in the community case. Also saw that Lech geezer doing his bit, him and his supporters have taken over a library that's threatened with closure and won't be leaving until the Pope pays them a visit. Could be a long wait but at least they'll have plenty to read.
Anyway all this last minute campaigning is hard work, me and Benny don't go for all that opinion poll bullshit so we've no idea how it's going but everybody seems to laugh when they see us so at least it looks like we've won over the public, and anyway it's the little pieces of paper in the ballot box that are the real deal, and our new man on the campaign team from Lagos is on the case for that. He's an odd guy, insists on wearing a pair of bright yellow overalls over the top of his security guard outfit, and we haven't seen much of him since he arrived, Benny assures me he's doing his bit too.
Tomorrow I'm going to be spending all day standing around outside polling stations intimidating voters so they'll be no update, in fact as me and Benny already have the kosher sparkling wine on ice I think it's safe to say you won't hear from me until Saturday.

Vote UJF

Shalom

Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Bing Crosby
Well my meeting with Benny didn't go too well yesterday. Seems like the election campaign isn't going to plan and we may be forced into a bit of ballot rigging to get some sort of result. Benny seemed a bit distracted yesterday looking at Teletext every five minutes, said he had an expert in manipulating figures flying in and wanted to know when his plane landed. As soon as he saw that the plane from Lagos had landed he was off like a rat out of an aqueduct.
The problems with the campaign stem from some of our policies. Seems the man on the street doesn't like our idea of carpet bombing Croydon to push up property values elsewhere in the area. Apparently Croydon is a popular shopping destination, can't see why to tell the truth, no decent Kosher food shop there. Also the compulsory window cleaning thing isn't going down well. This is a key plank of our strategy for a cleaner area and will disappoint The Window Cleaner and threaten our alliance if it is dropped.
So unless something dramatic happens I may not be replacing Liebeman yet, but of course there are two days of campaigning left, and as someone once said 'Two days is a long time in politics."

Shalom

Oh Come All Ye Faithful
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Mistletoe And Wine
Apologies for the lack of post yesterday but Saturday turned into a bit of a riot. Those lads in Wetherspoons in Tooting kept feeding me drinks all day and by the end of the evening I was down to my Y Fronts singing down the Tooting Broadway, but did I pay for it the following morning.
I had a sore arse, my first thought was that I'd been and had a particularly hot curry, then the thought crossed my mind that maybe I'd been so far gone that I'd nipped into the bogs with a bloke named Tony for an intimate chat. However when I went into the garage the reason became obvious. Some bastard had nicked the saddle off of my bike and I was so out of it I hadn't even noticed. I'm pretty upset with this and now I've got to pull a few favours with the US Air Force to get a new one delivered.
It shows you how bad I felt that I couldn't even be bothered to go down Brick Lane for my Bagel pick up. Let this be a warning to all of you out there...John Smith's is evil stuff.
Today I'm feeling a bit better, but until my new saddle arrives I've got to use the fastest VW in the west to hit the campaign trail. I have no idea what we have planned today as I've not spoken to Benny so I'll probably dig out my forged disabled sticker so I can use the parking bay outside his house and we can talk tactics.

Shalom

The Holly And The Ivy
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: The Singing Sheep
Today I've been a bad boy, I skipped Synagogue, went to Sid's Cafe for a nice greasy Bacon Sandwich, and will be spending the day outside Wetherspoons in Tooting touting for the drunk and OAP vote. I've decided that these guys are more likely to remember me plus the Jewish vote is all wrapped up for Goldberg's tame candidate the name of which I can't even remember he is so grey.
Standing on the streets makes a pleasant change. I can actually keep an eye on my bike while it's chained up, and you see all sorts of odd characters. I was talking to someone today who said he knew Engelbert Humperdinck. It's funny that I should mention Engelbert one day and find myself talking to someone about him the next. Anyway the moment he started talking I could tell it was bullshit. He reckoned he was Engelbert's landlord before he made it big. One day Engelbert told him if he could spend his rent money on a plane ticket to California, he'd pay it back when he got the chance. This guy reckons he told him it was OK and the rest is history. Now that's not the story I know, but I'd be revealing Mossad operational secrets if I said anymore. Anyway this guy tells me he never actually got his rent money back, but Engelbert did send him a signed copy of "Please Release Me". As I said bullshit of the highest order.
Anyway, I don't think Wetherspoons want me using their power so I'd better be going.

Shalom

Back on track
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Anything by Cliff Richard
Back pounding the streets today and it's the same old story, knock on the door and either get no answer or it slams straight in your face. As a highly trained Mossad operative, I am very skilled in the art of breaking in to places without being detected. I suggested to Benny that I'd do that to the houses where I got no answer, leave a leaflet and a chocolate and depart. Benny didn't think it was such a good idea...some people don't like chocolate.
Did see one strange thing while cycling around today, I thought I spotted the window cleaner driving a bus. At least it looked like him and there were a couple of ladders sticking out of the window. Once again Benny has quickly put me right. He said all sorts of things get carried around on buses, and besides if the window cleaner's Rolls Royce had broken down how the hell was he supposed to get his kit home. That makes sense I suppose.
One thing that has hit me is how many people have put up a Christmas tree. Now I don't want to be a killjoy but have these people considered what they're doing to the environment? Plus the way they've positioned them makes it a bit awkward for me to smuggle in the Milk Tray. People have some consideration for us secretive types who like to leave your wife a little something while she's in the shower. Move the Christmas Tree away from the window, give me some room to work.

Shalom