General Hospital
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: The Wizard Of Oz (Jewish Version)
Bit late today on the old laptop. I decided to head back to Tooting General to tap into their network at the A&E. However when I got to the door I recognised the receptionist so I've been hanging around until she goes to lunch or books off. Just noticed a change in the face behind the counter so now I can sneak back in and use my war wound excuse again.
Today is also the first day that Mossad's expert and me are working together to solve my connection problem. I've trawled through the secret Mossad archives to try and learn a bit about him. His name is Abe Bloomstein and from what I gather he was the Moshe Dyan Comprehensive's Space Invaders champ back in 1982. I guess the fact he was good at that probably means he knows a thing or two about computers. When I questioned him on what he has been up to since then he mumbled something about rehab. I guess that's some top secret Mossad mission which is on a need to know basis. Probably something to do with getting these Muslim gits to drop their Jihabs or whatever.
I did take him to the Bagel Bake this morning, although I won't be doing that again in a hurry. Him sitting on the back of the bike made it wobble all over the place, and even when we got there he didn't seem interested in the tasty treats on offer. Kept saying something like he needed to score. Next week I'll take him up to Hackney Marshes and he can play up front for some pub team if he needs to score that much. Looks like me and him won't have much in common.
So far he has shown no interest in looking at my connection problem, although he did perk up a bit when I told him he'd have to come to the hospital with me. He hinted that he'd like to take a look at the pharmacy when he gets there although I'm not sure how far that'll go to sorting my problem. He's the expert though so I'll leave it to him.
Looking around this waiting room is pretty depressing and I don't want to spend any longer than I have to in here, so I won't even bother to watch the numbers go round, I'm out of here.

Shalom

It's FA Cup weekend
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Meatloaf
Well the communication problems still exist, and Mossad have now sent an expert over from the West Bank to try and help me cope. However he doesn't work on Saturdays, at least so he tells me, so I'm going to have to wait for a permanent solution to this problem. This means updates will continue to be a bit hit and miss.
So once again I've been hitting the streets on my carbon fibre top secret bike which I recently bought in a sale at Woolworth's. Starbucks seem to have got wise to some Jewboy perched on a bike tapping into their network and have blocked me off somehow. Luckily though, Tooting General hospital hasn't adopted the same policy as my place, so under the guise of the shrapnel in my leg is playing me up, I'm sitting in the warm confines of the A&E department tapping into their system. I figure I'll have ages to type away then I can just leave, you know what A&E is like.
Life at my hospital has become particularly boring and I'm thinking of asking for a transfer to a hospital that's more on the frontline. I'm pretty tempted by an opening at the Royal London in Whitechapel. Lots of f*cking Muslims there so I think I'll be able to get some real tasty information. It also brings me back to my East End roots. Then there is the sense of danger, you know getting infected by some strange disease or picking up TB. Would have to learn a new language though, but I'm a natural at them. Look at the way I dealt with those Africans when I worked on that Underground Network somewhere in London. My fluency shone through and I'm sure I can do the same there. I certainly wouldn't be interested in working in Tooting, this place looks pretty dead.
I did go to Synagogue this morning, but I didn't hang around after Goldberg had done his piece. I'm keeping a low profile there at the moment and taking it all in, I think something big is about to break there but I can't just put my finger on it at the moment. But you know us Mossad types, our Antenna are always on the go.
Anyway, better wrap this up, they've just called the number before mine so I'd better clear off, I think I'll get my old war wound to play up again tomorrow.

Shalom

Just a quickie
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Coronation Street Classics
It's a real f*cking pain in the arse not having a proper connection to the outside world. The hospital still haven't sorted out the free access, and Mossad's IT department is about as effective as an Arab Bagel baker. So here I am, cycling around the streets late at night trying to find some care in the community case who hasn't secured his wireless connection. Took me a while but I finally hit paydirt outside a building that has Ministry of Defence above it. Aren't I lucky.
Anyway not much been going on to be fair, no real characters have arrived at the hospital so I'm doing my usual routine of sneaking fag breaks, reading The Sun, and passing the time of day by chatting to some of the patients, not that many of them are much fun. You should see the faces on some of them, you'd think they were ill or something.
Did get one little gem from my masters in Tel Aviv the other day though. They're trying to stitch up the president of Israel with some sort of rape charge thing. As a master of disguise they've asked me to don my drag outfit and testify against him as some tart called Brianna. No problem, I always keep a stick of lipstick ready just in case.
OK, better get going, looks like the bedroom light has just gone off and I guess that's my sign to go home before anyone wonders what I'm up to. If I can find another sad case giving away free internet you may see me later in the week.

Shalom

Jimmy Hill's Sunday Supplement
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Pass The Bagel
Well, another late update, that's becuse I went down the Bagel Bake this morning, couldn't find anywhere to chain up my bike as someone has nicked the railings I normally use. Some people just don't think, I use those railings for a reason just in case I get the call from Mossad to take off for some international emergency like a pickled herring shortage in Norway or something.
Anyway I also forgot to pack me laptop so had to cycle back and get it, then head off to stand outside Starbucks and quickly use their internet connection. I'm getting a bit pissed off that Mossad haven't found a better way to hack into computer networks. The Multi million shekel budget they have certainly isn't used on technology let me tell you, although they did invest in some Amstrad stuff a few years back. I liked that gear, had lots of flashing lights on it. Didn't have a f*cking clue what they meant but they looked the business. I'm a bit more savvy with the old computer lark these days though so I buy my own stuff. No more of that Amstrad shit, in my view you can't beat a Sinclair ZX 80.
I'm working out a new way of hacking into the hospital network, but if it doesn't work I may not appear again for a few days. The good news is that things may return to normal anyway at the end of next week. The powers that be have been getting a lot of complaints about switching off the wireless shit and according to my spies are about to back down.I can't wait, I've already suffered a bit by not being regular this year.
So keep an eye on this page, hopefully I'll be able to update during the week, if not it's back to Starbucks next Saturday.

Shalom

Apologies
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: The Court Of The Crimson King
Well everybody I have to apologise for the lack of updates for the last few days. Someone moron run over my cable with a trolley thereby cutting me off from the outside world. A temporary solution offered by a keen viewer of Blue Peter involving string, a bog roll tube, and some sticky backed plastic didn't work too well either, mainly because I couldn't fit the string in the plug on the computer.
Today I'm hanging about outside Starbucks, I would go in but they've banned me for not buying enough coffee, and tapping into their wireless network. I won't hang about too long though, this is a dodgy area and I wouldn't want to lose this laptop with all that confidential information issued by Mossad. You know the sort of thing, what's going on in each particular country, whether the government's about to fall, that sort of crap. Did you know for instance that some geezer called Idi Amin is on the brink of power in Uganda. Mossad always like to be ahead of the game.
Synagogue this morning was as thrilling as ever, and I sat there wishing that Goldberg would take another break and get that Bin Laden bloke back. Goldberg himself was looking a little worse for wear, and rumour has it that he's been lacing his Bagel mix with a drop of the hard stuff. In fact come to think of it, over the last few weeks he has begun to develop a Scottish accent. That could be worth following up.
Benny is being elusive again and I didn't see him this morning. Last time I spoke to him he said he was planning a trip to Austria, although he was waiting for Ryanair to be flying to an airport where he wants to go. He made reference to a few ex Luftwaffe airfields which he thinks would do the trick. He has started to mix with that odd group he was hanging around with last year, but to be fair he always invites me along. When I told him about my backside problem he did suggest I go and see his GP, some quack called Men Geller or something, must be Arab with a name like that.
Anyway I think there's some dodgy characters beginning to gather so I'd better get the laptop in the saddlebag and scurry off home.

Shalom

Surprise Surprise
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: Cilla Black
Well you could knock me down with the unwashed robe of Saddam Hussein. It seems that I've found a way to get round the hospital's new Internet access restrictions, at least until someone wonders why there's a bit of cable leading from an office into the bog. By cunning use of those wet floor signs which I nicked off of one of the cleaners I think I've managed to draw everyones attention away from it.
Things are slowly getting back to normal at the place where the sun never shines and which some people say I talk out of. Benny reckons that it'll be another week or so before it's all hunky dory again, how he knows he won't say, but he has been knocking about with some British Army officer called Ernie Rome, and I have to tell you I think Captain Rome 'bats for the other side'.
Things are quiet down Mossad way too, all this talk of trying to make peace with the Arabs is a real threat to my livelihood I can tell you. Who will we be able to pick on if those towel wearing hoodlums get off the hook? I think Ken Livingstone still has his pigeon hating hat on, maybe we could help him out with that problem, Pigeons, Arabs...both vermin except one wears a tale round his head.
Talking of heads, it was a real shame to see one of Saddam's henchmen lose his the other day, this is what you get when you employ amateurs though, now if they'd awarded the contract to Mossad like they should have, it would have been a quick clean job and nobody would have been any the wiser, look at how effective I carried out that Shergar thing, I had the best roses in Motspur Park while I looked after that horse.

Shalom

Taking a break
Mood:  d'oh
My backside is still feeling a bit sore from Saturday's "treatment" but at least it looks like my routine is getting back to normal.
Benny had a good old laugh at my expense when I told him what I'd been through, turns out there had been a typing error on my list of quacks and I should have gone to Harley Street instead of Marley Street. he reckons I was "serviced" by some geezer who used to be in the Village People. I'm still walking funny too, I'm not so sure that fingers was all the bloke used.
Anyway the big news here at the hospital is that they're going to be changing the way people access the network here. Apparently because it's all wireless these days, some bastards are using it like a freebie Internet service and that won't do. They're taking the wireless out of action for a while and people will have to plug into walls like the old days. I checked the bog and I don't see one of those plugs in here. Being in a relatively lowly position, I'm not entitled to a password or anything so I will have to wait until Mossad's IT department work out a way to get me in to the network. That's a pretty roundabout way of saying that updates might be a bit hit and miss for a few days. You don't think I'm going to pay to use the Internet do you? It's generally different at the weekends as I can hover around outside Starbucks or something, but during the week I have to make a daily report to Tel Aviv so have to scurry off home to use the secure line.
So, looks like you won't see me again until Saturday unless the experts come up with something.

Shalom

Flushed away
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Smokey's greatest hits
Sorry about the lack of update yesterday, my trip to the proctologist took a bit longer than expected.
I don't know how many of you lot have ever visited a proctologist recently, it's the ideal job for a f&cking poof who enjoys shoving his fingers up someones arse all day long, and I wasn't too sure about this geezer I went to see yesterday. First off the rainbow coloured flag above the door should have set alarm bells ringing, then when I walked in there the f*cking music drove me mad. f*cking YMCA played over and over again. When I finally did get to see the quack, he wasn't interested in my Mossad Health Insurance details, he wanted cash upfront and wouldn't give me a receipt. I also don't know many quacks who dress all in leather either.
Anyway to cut a long story short, this quack really did need to learn a few things about hygiene. He wasn't even going to wear gloves, and after I complained the only ones he did have were the individual finger types. I think I was a problem case though, as he kept muttering to himself that I was a little tight for a good fisting. Still he obviously knew what he was doing, and the cause of my blockage was found. I'd forgotten that when we fought the Six Day war we all kept an Uzi clip concealed somewhere for an emergency. No wonder I'd been shitting bullets for the last few days!
Even though he asked me to come back so he could loosen me up a bit more, I don't think I'll be going back, he's done his job as far as I'm concerned, plus I'm walking a bit funny, I'm sure that will pass.
It's good though as I can now partake in Bagels after a few days break, and I'm going to treat myself with an extra helping. Then I'm going to write a nasty letter to the Mossad Insurance Programme telling them about this quack's hygiene policy, I don't think it's the level of service us agents should be getting.

Shalom

Never Ending Story
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Anything by Eamon Holmes
Now I know what my bog must feel like if I have had a particularly heavy session on the Bagels and I've chucked too much paper into it. Yep I'm still clogged up, drank half a gallon of prune juice last night, but as I sit here there has still been no end product. I did speak to Benny last night about it and how I didn't want to see one of the quacks here. Apparently I'm still enrolled in the Mossad private health scheme according to him so this morning I scanned a very dodgy looking list that Benny had left on my doorstep and I think I found what I'm looking for.
So tomorrow, after Synagogue, I'll be off down to Marley Street in Brixton to see Dr Arschloch a very famous proctologist, at least he was until he had a falling out with the BMA over an incident involving some geezer with Down's syndrome and a pair of underpants.
All this inability to do my business is interfering with intelligence gathering here at the hospital. I keep darting into the bog at the first sign of activity only to be disappointed with the results, I'm not concentrating on anything else, and for a man in my position that could be fatal, you never know when some Arab who I stopped getting on a plane at JFK might try and take me down.
Anyway depending on what happens tomorrow I may be able to update or I may not, we'll see what the man can do.

Shalom

This is getting worse
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Beethoven's 9th Symphony
Jesus my arse aches this morning, I'm getting pretty backed up and despite my best efforts nothing is happening. I want to try and get it sorted out before the weekend otherwise I'll have to use my own bog paper and that will never do.
I see the hospital is in a flap over this MRSA lark again. I'm not sure what this particular terrorist group are all about and why it seems to be targeting the NHS. I think hospital management has gone about it all the wrong way though. Installing hand cleaner and splashing out for an extra bottle of Domestos is hardly going to put off a determined terrorist. Maybe I should have a quiet word with some people I know in Jerusalem, they don't need much of an excuse to blow up a few Arabs.
I'm on a bit of a downer this morning because I'm getting a bit of stick from the other lads over Fulham/Chelsea's match last night. I actually think we did quite well, after all look at the size of Wycombe and then look at Fulham/Chelsea. Am I to blame for the fact that my team has a little extra money to spend because it's more financially astute. If everyone is so upset it's not a problem to get a few Eastern Europeans involved in your own team, there's hundreds of them arriving every day if the Daily Mail is to be believed, so go and hang around Victoria Station or Stansted airport and bag a couple.
Well looks like I'm struggling again, could be time for the prune juice diet. Someone suggested I go and see a doctor but if you think I'm going to let one of these f*cking clowns lose on me you've got another thing coming.

Shalom

State of the union
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: God Save The Queen
I've been sitting on the bog for the last five minutes, not only am I suffering from writers block, I also suffering from constipation.
Now many years ago, I would have put this down to my Mossad training. One of the things we were taught at secret agent school was the ability to not go for a dump for a week. However I haven't been using that stuff for a while so my expert opinion is that I'm bunged up.
Still it's not as if I'm busy so I can spend a bit of time sitting here trying to will something out. Problem is I've got nothing to write about, the hospital is running smoothly, there are no weird patients hanging around, and I've got no international crisis to comment on or deal with, and this time of year there is no Milk Tray to deliver as everybody keeps their windows locked.
So today I think I'll keep this short and try and concentrate on the business in hand. If anybody has any ideas how I can speed things along, let me know.

Shalom

Performance Review
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Haircut 100's greatest hit
It's great doing what I do, the opportunities to avoid work are incredible, it's almost as good as when I was working for that Underground railway somewhere in London.
Skulking round by the bins as I took my 17th fag break of the day I began to wonder if I really want Mossad to give me a new assignment. While I enjoy breaking and entering, abseiling down buildings, guarding airports in the USA, being able to abuse Arabs, and more than anything, wearing all black outfits, it would mean I'd have to actually make an effort from time to time. Here I can read the papers (gathering intelligence I call it), spend ages in the bog, and smoke away without fear that some marksman somewhere will blow my bloody head off.
So I'm quite glad that the powers that be in Tel Aviv have asked me to continue in my current undercover role for at least another year. I did keep it quiet, but Tel Aviv does like us all to rotate around every now and again so we don't go stale, but according to my latest performance review I am uniquely suited to my current assignment. As Carly Simon once said "Nobody does it better".
So instead of spending hours in cars, pissing into bottles as I do a stake out on yet another Jewish business that opens on a Saturday - Marks and Spencer and Tesco are guilty of this but Mossad's resources are stretched pretty thin - I can burrow further into the realms of the NHS system.

Shalom

I've started so I'll finish
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Mastermind
After all the activity of the weekend it's nice in a way to feel the familiar weight of the trolley as I push it around the corridors of the hospital. It's amazing how smoothly my one glides along in comparison to some of the others. That's what happens when you go private when you replace the wheels, you get a better quality of gear.
I've managed to avoid any real work so far today, when everyone sees you pushing a trolley they assume you must be on your way to somewhere, especially if you put a few blankets and sheets on it, so they leave you alone. That's a little trick I learned while working in the Israeli army MASH unit, although I only did it when we were expecting a load of Arabs in.
So Magnus Magnusson has popped his clogs I see. Can't say I'll miss him too much to tell the truth. Me and Magnus had a bit of a falling out quite a few years back. First off I was employed by the BBC as a consultant on the show due to my experience with interrogations, and I thought the black chair under a spotlight was a little bit Namby Pamby. I thought it would have been far more effective to suspend contestants from the ceiling by their feet with a set of elctrodes on their nipples. Every time they passed or got an answer wrong they'd get a shock. Now that really would have made the contestants sweat. Magnus rejected that idea, I think the BBC were looking to cut their power bill.
A few years later I applied to be a contestant myself. My specialist subjects were going to be Mossad Death Squad activity between 1968 - 1973, and the history of the Brick Lane Bagel Bake. Apparently he laughed out loud when he read my form and thought I was taking the piss. I wasn't pleased.
Anyway I've managed to avoid work for another few minutes but I'm worried someone who has been caught short might not see my power lead trailing over the bog floor and go flying head first into the urinal. Seeing as the urinal is blocked, that wouldn't be very pleasant.

Shalom

There's an awful lot of coffee in Starbucks
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: Anything sung by anyone from Eastenders
Sorry for the late update today, I was so hyper after sinking what must have been about seventeen cups of coffee in Starbucks yesterday that I needed something to burn some of the energy off.
To do that I decided to take a trip down the Edgware Road - the part where all the Arabs hang out - and see if I could generate a little bit of action down there by cycling up and down waving an Israeli flag. Sadly I got stuck behind a tractor being driven by some geezer wearing an Ipswich shirt, and by the time I got up to Tower Bridge my enthusiasm had worn off a little, plus I'd realised that in all the excitement I'd packed a Welsh flag and not an Israeli one.
Anyway I didn't get home until late (about 9 pm) and sat there twiddling the knobs on the radio until I fell asleep. Nothing interesting on there either, it really is a slow time of year.
Brick Lane was nice and quiet this morning too, the Christmas rush is well and truly over so with my Bagels in my saddlebag I thought I'd take a trip down memory lane and check out a few of the places me, Ronnie and Reggie would hang about in. There's the Blind Beggar of course which I notice now has railings outside where you can chain up your bike. Why they didn't have them all those years ago I've no idea. Maybe there's more thieves about. The billiard hall in Mile End has long gone, replaced by a mosque or something, I should remember that.
So today I'm going to laze about, I sure won't be visiting Starbucks for a while, not if that's the effect coffee is going to have on me, plus I had to make so many trips to the bog it's unreal.

Shalom

Synagogue Saturday
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Celebrity Big Brother
Well it's Saturday, so I dutifully donned the bike clips and zoomed off down to the Synagogue to see if the New Year means a fresh approach from Goldberg. Well you guessed it, it was the usual old bullshit. Still it gave me the opportunity to wear my new safety skull cap which I've taken to wearing whenever I'm on my bike. Bright Yellow, made of plastic with some Styrofoam inside. I'm trying it out at the request of Mossad scientists, if it works out well, it'll become standard issue to all agents.
Some of you have asked what happened to the part time job I had at the Pizza place. Well to tell the truth I wasn't really cut out for that line of work. Sure I was good at it, what else would I be, and I sure was determined to make sure the Pizza arrived. I think the final straw was the fact that I ended up having to abseil down the side of a building one night after nobody answered the door. Took me f*cking ages to sort out the gear and can you believe the bastard never gave me a tip.
Anyway I was going to carry on the review of 2006 and I thought to myself why the f*ck should I bother now? If you really wanted to know what I was up to you could just go back and read through the f*cking archives on this site. So as far as I'm concerned that's it, we're all square.
Since Synagogue finished this morning I've been hanging around in Starbucks, the electricity is free, and I've found a way to hack in to their wireless network. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, you quite often see people sitting on the comfy chairs in Starbucks doing absolutely nothing, not even drinking f*cking coffee. At least I'm having the decency to help out their staff. Place would be full of half drunk cups of coffee if I didn't finish them off...well you didn't think I'd pay the price they ask for that shit do you?
I am paying a price for all this though, I need another piss and I just spotted the fact that nobody is in the bog.

Shalom

Flushed with success
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Sounds from the public convenience
Squatting in trap 3 as I do at about the same time every day (Bagels are good for your Bowel movements) to type this thing out not only while being paid, but actually for free, you hear some interesting things. No I'm not talking about the geezer straining next door after his had a night on the Guinness (normally confirmed by a shout of Jesus when he no doubt checks out what he's done), but by the conversations you hear between those blokes 'shaking hands with the unemployed' at the Urinals.
Yesterday I heard a couple of the quacks chatting about the geezer with variable bad back syndrome. I knew they were talking about him because one of them was referring to a big ginger c*nt. Turns out that he has a history of being thrown out of chairs, even happened on a plane once according to them. Now I've flown hundreds of times, and the only time I've been thrown out of an aircraft seat is when I was a bit slow off the mark to take part in a HALO drop over Brixton. Anyway one of the quacks was thinking that maybe he's having a nerve spasm or something that causes him to be thrown across the room. He's thinking of writing about it in 'The Lancet'. I know the ginger geezer won't be too keen on that. He's made a fortune out of compensation from chair manufacturers, most of which he has pumped into the Civil War movement (don't ask me how he got into Abraham Lincoln and all) so he'd have to give it back if they can prove it's a medical condition. I'll be keeping my ears to the ground about this one, although of course if someone spots me looking from underneath the door of the toilet cubicle they might get a tad suspicious.
I'll continue the review of 2006 tomorrow, someone has just shuffled in to the next trap, and by the smell of it had a rough curry last night, and I forgot my breathing gear so before I get overcome by the fumes I'd better get out.

Shalom

Review of the year continues
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Monopoly
Well hanging around the A&E ended up pretty boring yesterday. Didn't see anyone else who looked familiar, just the usual assortment of Junkies and weirdos who are regulars there and the patients. I was asked to stay on for a few extra hours because of some coach crash but I'd had my fill for the day, plus I'd recorded a few episodes of Eastenders over Christmas and hadn't got round to watching them properly. You'd be surprised how much you can learn about life in Britain by closely following a programme like that. Needless to say I'll be filing my report to Mossad later in the week.
The review of the year takes us into February today, the shortest month of the year and probably the least active where I was concerned. Now what did I do in February? I attended the opening of the Newspaper stall outside Tooting Bec station, I'm on record as the 7th person to buy a copy of the Evening Standard there, only picked that up because they didn't have a copy of the West Bank Times. Also that was when Benny and me had our first chat about putting my thoughts and actions in writing and displaying them to the world on a daily basis. This whole thing is really Benny's idea, I really must buy him a drink one day, I think they have Panda Cola going cheap down at the local corner shop, must stop by on the way home.
Well sounds like someone has just assumed the position in the trap next door so I'd better be going.

Shalom

F*cking technical problems
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Prince Charming
Well that was a great start to 2007 wasn't it? No update yesterday from me. I'll use the old chestnut excuse of technical difficulties. First off the battery in my laptop went flat, then the plug socket in the bogs wasn't working. When I eventually found one that worked, the hospital wireless network was down. Talk about a pain in the arse. I tried everything, even NHS Direct, all they wanted to know was whether I had a headache or something. They told me to go and see a doctor for my pain in the arse, they just didn't get it. Anyway there are only so many trips you can make to the bog without people noticing and I'm glad to see everything is up and running normally today.
Not that anything dramatic happened. I was loitering around the A&E and I noticed that big ginger haired geezer with the variable bad back was sitting there. Turns out his recliner threw him across the living room while he was watching some Larry Grayson. He reckons he was thrown so violently that there is now a dent in his living room wall. He's looking for a few weeks off work to recover which he knows the tame quack here will give him. I asked him what he'll do while he's off and he said something about sharpening his Pike. I've no idea what that means.
Now that we've rung in 2007, I guess we can start with a review of 2006. Let's start with January. Well at that stage I wasn't laying my thoughts before you, so you'll have to take my word for it that the Bagels were tasty and I managed to wriggle out of a charge of breaking and entering. You'll be amazed how many fall for the old Milk Tray routine. Why was I breaking and entering? Well certain high powered individuals are still looking for reasons to have invaded certain places. I'd broken into the HQ of Pontin's to see if I could find confirmation of their plans to build a camp near Baghdad. Let's face it, does the world really need another one. Well I was caught red handed with a copy of their latest brochure, which sad to say didn't mention their Middle East enterprise at all. The mysterious ID card with the Star of David on it, plus a box of Milk Tray saved the day again. I walked away a free man.
OK, better be going, time to see if anyone else I know has shown up in A&E.

Shalom

Welcome to 2007
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Marcus Welby MD
What a f*cking miserable New Year's eve that turned out to be. I didn't bother going to work, I push enough trolleys around a year, why bother looking for extra. I declined Benny's invitation to what the invite said was 'A Celebration of Leather' I don't know about you, but that sort of thing always concerns me. In the end I thought I'd spend the evening with the Window Cleaner on the 93, only to find my Travelcard had expired and they wouldn't let me on the bus. Why didn't I cycle I hear you ask...well even though I have the mysterious ID card with the Star of David on it, I think the Police have enough to do on New Year's Eve without being humiliated by me.
So I spent the night nursing a can of Tennant's Super I'd been saving for a special occasion listening to my radio as the New Year was cheered in over the world. I also learned that Bulgaria and Romania are now members of the EU. They sort of sneaked that one in didn't they, more f*cking scroungers are no doubt on their way here, I bet that Ryanair lot can't wait to set up a few new routes there, lots of one way tickets will be sold.
I did go to those countries once, I was part of a special Mossad squad who had the task of carrying out a sensitive operation. Apparently the Bulgarians had made a bit of a leap in washing machine technology and we had the task of getting the secret. It all went well until we got back to the Airport, the bastards wouldn't let us take the machine on board as hand luggage, and we weren't going to pay the excess baggage charge to put it in the hold. We did think about dismantling the thing and bringing it back piece by piece, someone even suggested that the drum would fit in my mouth, but we hadn't packed our Israeli Army screwdrivers so we left it behind. The big secret by the way was that they'd fitted a window in the door so you could watch your washing go round and round.
Over the next few days, I'll start raking over 2006 to see if anything noteworthy actually happened.

Shalom

Another Year almost over
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Auld Lang Syne
I was going to do a review of the year today but as someone told me the year doesn't officially end for a few more hours, plenty of time for something dramatic to happen and for me to be called into action.
Still it was back into the old routine today, cycle to Brick Lane, Bagel Bake, a bit of shopping, then back home. Not so busy on the roads, well Christmas is over and everybody is probably busy getting pissed for New Year's Eve.
I still haven't worked out what to do tonight, do I go with Benny, do I ride the Bus with the window cleaner, or do I spend the night at work earning treble time and practicing martial arts on unsuspecting drunks in the A&E at work? It's purely voluntary to go in on a New Year's Eve and I've never done it myself, the other lads tell me it's good fun so I'm mightily tempted.
See all the fuss about Saddam is beginning to die down a bit, and about time too. One Newspaper which shall remain nameless for legal reasons - it sells to a specialised audience anyway - was giving away Saddam execution hoods today. Apparently you can be the real life and soul of the party by going to your New Year's Eve event done up just like the poor old misunderstood former dictator of Iraq. Problem is, wouldn't you be bumping into things all the time? The hood if I remember had no holes in it for the eyes, still it would work if you are dog ugly...or have big ears.
Anyway that about wraps it up this year for me, maybe I'll get my arse in gear and we'll look back at my action filled life of 2006 tomorrow, I'll see how I feel.
Happy New Year.

Shalom