Another weekend
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Bing Crosby sings The Sex Pistols
Well it's been a week of high old activity. As you lot may know, it was the 40th anniversary of the Six Day War this week, the one where I beat all those f*cking Arabs with just a plastic knife for a weapon. Of course it helped that Ronnie, Reggie and the rest of the firm were there to help me, even better we kicked Frankie Fraser's butt at the same time seeing as he was helping the Arabs.
So I've been in demand as the main player in the events...interviews with the West Bank Times, even the Mossad staff magazine...the name of which has to be kept secret otherwise you'd all be looking for it online...Shalom TV even wanted to speak to me but I had to turn them down as the black bar they wanted to put over my eyes to protect my identity wasn't big enough.
Anyway it's all pissed the hospital off big time all these journalists running around and getting knocked over by trolleys, if I hadn't had threatened a couple I think we would be sued big time.
OK, just getting ready for the late show at the Synagogue so I have to make a run for it...rumour has it I may get the Golden Bagel this year...now that would be a honour.

Shalom

The Bagel Bake Blues
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: The Wiggles
Usual old Sunday routine. Hop on the bike up to Brick Lane and my old haunt of the Bagel Bake. Some of you have asked me why I don't stop at all the other Bagel shops I must cycle past. Well the Bagel Bake has a special place in my black Balaclava. It was where I met Ronnie and Reggie, and where I began my undercover stuff with Mossad. It also has the added bonus of being owned by Jews and having the cheapest Bagels in London...but that's just coincidence.
It was a bit annoying this morning though, all those characters who'd got the discount vouchers from the Synagogue last week were there and waving them about if they were some sort of magic pass. C*nts trying to jump the queue of us loyal patrons. I noticed Goldberg was standing outside flogging a few extras off. Obviously they didn't shift too well on ebay.
Among the top secret communications I receive here in my safe house I got one from somebody telling me that I'd had a lucky escape by not working for Kwik Save and that I shouldn't be too hard on Lidl as the stuff there is even more inferior and therefore cheaper. I've never checked out a Lidl...but armed with that sort of info maybe I'll take a cycle ride down there...they'd better have a place to chain up my bike. I am a bit concerned because of their German background but I suppose the war ended a long time ago so maybe it's time I forgave them.
Not much else going on, I am trying to get hold of Benny to see where he is and when the lazy bastard is going to freshen up the webpages with some new stuff. I'll let you know how I get on.

Shalom

In hot water
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Anything depressing
Boy has this been a rough f*cking week. First the hospital announced they're going to ban smoking...bastards...what excuse can I make for skiving around by the bins now? Then it emerged that another part of the Mossad aptitude test had leaked out. So I've got Tel Aviv breathing down my neck. This is not good, as you know my current mission is to stop this happening. Still at least the bits that have got out are only the early papers...the real tough ones which require you to write something haven't emerged. I think I'm also getting close to the source...could be something to do with the CIA I think. Those w*nkers have always been jealous of me because of the suits I used to wear at JFK.
So it's been all go, but at least I can get back into my normal Saturday routine and that involves cycling down to the Synagogue and listening to the old bullshit that comes out of Goldberg's mouth. He really needs to try and liven it up a bit...you know a few tales about the old East End, Airports that sort of thing. If he doesn't want to do it, I will...after all I like to talk.
I'm also pretty annoyed because I just found out I won't be getting that job at Kwik Save I'd put in for. Something about not needing any more SCUM (Remember Shopping Cart Utilisation Manager). Bastards I was looking forward to the 20% discount off of all the high quality products they sell in their supermarkets, not forgetting all the Panda Cola you can drink. I blame the Germans...ever since Lidl came on the scene it just hasn't been the same.
Anyway better wrap it up...Chelsea/Fulham have a couple of blank spots in their team photo and they want me to fill in for them.

Shalom

Dog Day Afternoon
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Airport 77
Well if it's a Bank Holiday then the weather has to be shit...and so it's proved to be. I wish I'd gone into work today, a bit of overtime would have come in useful. But I'm working on the Mossad aptitude test paper case, plus it's the Motspur Park carnival and I bet you get the usual amount of clowns who injure themselves on the Bouncy Castle. Here's a little known fact for you...did you know that Mossad invented the Bouncy Castle? Used to position it under buildings just in case our climbing equipment let us down before we'd forced our way through a window. Never happened to me of course, but I do remember the f*cking thing always getting full of kids before I could deflate it. Mossad though not being a commercial company didn't register the rights to it, so an agent who left managed to nick one from the stores, painted Bouncy Castle on the side, and the rest is history.
Some bright spark has suggested that B&Q might not be the best place to get Tank tracks, I might be better off going to an Army surplus store instead. Now that might be very well if you own a common or garden tank...but of course my one is no ordinary tank, and the parts are not the sort you can get off the shelf at Halfords. But B&Q have a very good Tank Track section, although it's pretty hard to spot, even the staff don't know it's there, but then again the calibre of B&Q staff are up there with the CIA...I'll say no more.
I'm not making much headway with this test paper thing, and it seems my appeal for information has fallen on deaf ears. Maybe a discount on kosher herrings isn't enough to tempt one of you to grass. OK, I'll throw in half a dozen Pepsi Max (ignore the date on the tin...they're still alright). I hope that starts the ball rolling, but if anyone wants to sponsor a reward I suspect that might help.
Anyway I'm off to the airport for a while, I need to keep my skills sharp, and with it being so busy it'll be a real test of my ability. So if you're at Heathrow today and see some geezer rolling around under benches. Don't get too worried, it's not someone having a fit, it's probably me trying out head shot positions.

Shalom

Crowded Out
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Teletubbies
Blimey, it didn't matter how fast I cycled down the Synagogue yesterday. It turned out that people had been lining up overnight for the Bagel bake discount vouchers so I was left empty handed. I'm pretty pissed off, I'm a regular down the Bagel Bake and some of those who got vouchers probably don't even know where it is. You should have seen the trading going on afterwards, and I bet if I look on Ebay I'll find a few for sale on there too. Money grabbing bastards, no wonder the Germans don't like us.
Anyway I'm not that tight fisted, the Bagel Bake is worth the trip however much I might have to pay, but the extra 5% off would have come in handy I must admit.
Not much else going on in the world of spying. I'm still trying to track down the character who is leaking the Mossad aptitude test to the outside world, and I hear rumours that he/she may be about to publish the fourth paper. Somehow I have to try and prevent this, looks like I'm going to have to do some serious work, so much for the Bank holiday. I was hoping to get down B&Q and do some shopping, but there are times when us undercover operatives have to make sacrifices. So if any of you lot are making a trip down the DIY store and you want to help out your favourite jewboy, give me a shout and I'll send you a list of my needs. It's not much, just a few shovels and some stuff for making Tank tracks.
OK, back to Googling Mossad aptitude tests...sooner or later this character is going to make a mistake...then he won't know what hit him.

Shalom

Something for the weekend
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Some classic Bernie Winters
First off I'm sorry things aren't appearing as as they should do. My new shift at the hospital isn't helping, and neither are Mossad who've asked me to look into who's been leaking their aptitude test to the outside world.
This is pretty serious stuff I'm into, the aptitude test is used almost exclusively by Mossad to decide who gets in and who doesn't. If you take it you're sworn to secrecy on the contents, if you so much as leak a question you'll find some dodgy looking black cars sitting outside your house. If the thing becomes common knowledge, you'll have all sorts of retards getting in, and that's bad news. If you ask me standards have already fallen a long way since my day, the new guys just don't seem to have the gift of the gab as the Scottish say. Probably because they've never seen any proper action.
I did notice that some geezer called Bobby Charlton commented on my last entry. Now I don't know about you, but what sort of c*nt names their kid after a place in London. Almost as bad as that Jewish bloke called Jesus Christ...what was going on there? Naming a kid after old buildings that are everywhere. Still I'll give him his due, he must have sent his CV everywhere, even that old bastard the Pope mentions him from time to time.
Talking of religion, I'm off down the synagogue in a minute, could be fun as I hear they're dishing out money off coupons for the Bagel Bake to the first 100 turning up. I'm going to make sure I get there early, 20p off a dozen bagels is just too much of an offer to resist.
So it's bike clips on and I'm out of here. If you have any tips on who's leaking the Mossad test, you can e-mail me or leave a comment. I'll follow all leads...and as an added incentive if your tip leads me to the source...you'll get a reward voucher for some kosher herring.

Shalom

Match Report
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Match Of The Day
Well those of you not tuning into Shalom TV missed a great FA Cup Final. The highlights for me were Kirk Douglas's hatrick and Sophia Loren getting a red card for headbutting Mussolini.
I love football, and I'm so knowledgeable about the game I could talk about it for hours...then again I could talk about anything for hours...that shows what an interesting character I am.
For some obscure reason I've been getting a lot of things sent to me marked up as Mossad Aptitude Tests. While I'm pretty impressed with the high standard of the responses, you have to be something special to earn the mysterious ID card with the Star of David on it. How many of you have actually seen action? I've seen loads, and that's what makes me well qualified to be a secret agent, that and the fact I'm good at keeping a low profile and not saying much. That's one of the things Ronnie Kray used to say to me..."Keep your head down son and we'll do fine" Mind you he normally had me on my knees at that point.
Synagogue was boring yesterday, usual old religious bullshit. I can't wait until we get a new trendy Jewish church going, you know, one that lets you eat Bacon, doesn't make you get up early on a Saturday, make you wear a stupid hat, and allows Bagels seven days a week. Now I could really go for something like that.
OK, talking of Bagels, it's time to hit the road to Brick Lane...later Mossad fans.

Shalom

Cup Final Day
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: The Wiggles
Sorry for the continued lack of regular updates. Being an undercover operative means that sometimes you just can't spend ages sitting by a computer keyboard working out what's classified and what's not, plus Tel Aviv have been on my case a bit.
Turns out they're interested in a bit of a gamble on the FA cup final, and in an effort to make sure they don't lose any shekels, I was asked to get a copy of the team line ups.
Well for the last few days I've been hiding in many a bush watching the lads train, sneaking into bedrooms (My Milk Tray experience really counted there) and I think I came up with the goods. So if any of you lot fancy a little flutter, here's todays line ups.

Fulham: Jimmy Hill, George Best, Bobby Moore, Johnny Haynes, Dixie Dean, Kirk Douglas, Harrison Ford, Benito Mussolini, Frankie Fraser, Alf Garnett, Golda Maier (Capt)

As knowledgeable as I am about football that's a pretty formidable line up, although I'm not so sure playing Mussolini upfront will help Fulham.

Up against them are the unsung heroes of Corinthians so here's the deal with them.

Corinthians: Smythe, Quentin, Johnny Cash, Sophia Loren, Michael Jackson, Rob Roy, Robert The Bruce, Anwar Sadat, Ronnie Kray (Capt), Reggie Kray, Charlie Kray

Should be a pretty entertaining match and I bet The Dell will be packed to the rafters for it, I'll be there in the directors box, just behind JFK who is presenting the trophy. Hopefully my bosses at Mossad will be pleased with my efforts and I'll be in the good books again.
OK, better get going, I'm going to the evening session at the Synagogue today, so just enough time to make the match before I go.

Shalom

Apologies for the break in transmission
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: How much is that doggie in the window
Well Mossad fans, it's been a tough week. My new shift at the hospital isn't working out as well as I thought. Had nothing but f*cking Chelsea fans coming in this week who want to exchange their blue shirts for red Manchester United ones. I have no idea why the f*ck they come to the hospital for that, wouldn't they be better off trying out a shop that sells that sort of crap. My guess is that these people have limited intelligence and really should be in a home somewhere rather than on the streets. In fact if they were clever, they'd support Blackpool, then their orange shirts could serve a dual purpose allowing them to be spotted pushing the shopping trolleys around at Tescos.
I don't have this problem of course...first off Tescos sacked me...and I'm not that much into football either, although I have a soft spot for Macabbi Tel Aviv, but they don't play at Craven Cottage very often, in fact haven't seen them since I took Kirk Douglas and Sophia Loren to a game back in the sixties, that would have been when I was staying with Mick Jagger and Marianne Faithful, they had me sampling Mars Bars for them...that was an interesting job although they always seemed a bit melted up when I got hold of them...there was obviously something wrong with Mick's fridge.
Still looks like I might be back in Mossad's good books, got a couple of interesting pieces of intelligence the other day which I'm still reviewing, once I've declassified them I may see if that lazy bastard Benny will do something about putting them on here for the world to see.
OK, got to get moving, the glue has dried on my stick on beard so I'm going to head down the Synagogue...wish me luck.

Shalom

Back to Brick lne
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: The Price Is Right
It's tough when you think you're being watched to keep up your normal routine. Take today for instance, I couldn't put on my usual black number and cycle down Brick Lane on my Mossad designed racing bike (which I got from Halfords for a nice discount a few years back). Today I thought I'd better use a different mode of transport (No, not the helicopter...nowhere to park that in Brick lane and the Royal London gets pissed off when I park it on their pad). So I thought I'd try the bus. Now I know the window cleaner has been seen behind the wheel of one on occasions, so I tried calling him to see if he'd give me a lift. Turns out he's not allowed to take his company car home overnight and he's taking a day off today, what sort of tight arsed company does he work for?
So I had to go to the bus stop this morning and blend in with the usual crowd of peasants and shirkers who use the things. The first thing that struck me was that I had to pay! The driver laughed when I showed him my mysterious ID card with the Star of David on it. Even worse it didn't take me all the way to Brick Lane...I was expected to get on another one for that. What a f*cking pain in the arse.
Anyway I got there in the end, I spent an hour staking out the place to make sure no Mossad operatives were waiting for me, but I got a bit confused because a lot of us Jewboys use the Bagel Bake, and as it's casual Sunday, the Mossad guys wouldn't be using the tailor made suits they normally wear to conceal their weapons. Still in the end I plucked up enough courage to nip in and buy a dozen Bagels and I'm pretty happy, even though the things were stone cold by the time I got back here...f*cking buses.
Back to work tomorrow, can hardly wait, but I've got to go and check out the medical dictionary so I can write myself out a dodgy sick note to cover my time off.

Shalom

Out in the open
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: The Rabbi Of Dibley
Looks like the heat is definitely cooling off, the Mossad hounds have got their teeth into some other poor muppet who could be heading for a bad weekend...but enough about Ashley Cole.
Still even though things are getting better for me, I still can't show my face at the Synagogue, apparently some of the regulars actually liked Alan Ball, so I figured I'd better keep away from there.
Wild rumours reach me that indicate Mossad's security has been breached again, and that the highly secret tests used to screen for potential agents has been leaked to the general public. I remember when I took those things years ago, all sorts of weird questions about milk bottles and the correct way to identify an Arab. Nothing about flying helicopters, and being careful about the cut of your suit. We updated the papers a few years ago to make them more realistic to what was expected, some of the situations were based on my experience, and I think they are producing a better calibre of secret operative...who knows how many we have working undercover these days.
I also think I'll be able to go back to work on Monday. I've sort of missed that place, talking to the mirror gets old after a while and I've got all this pent up bullshit to get rid of.
OK, better get going...maybe I'll get down the Bagel Bake tomorrow.

Shalom

Safe House Blues
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: The Krankies
I've sneaked out of the safe house for a little while so I thought I'd give you a quick update as to what's going on.
I think the fuss about Alan Ball is dying down a bit now so I'll soon be safe to resume business as normal. I really don't know why everyone was upset, not as if he was any good as a footballer, you should have seen Kirk Douglas, he was a mean header of the ball I can tell you.
Of course the problem with lying low is that I've been fired from Tescos and no longer the SCUM or TWAT anymore. The rumours I've got tell me that the manager thinks one of the Mongs is better at the job anyway. Well Tescos will suffer for that I can tell you. I won't be buying any more Salt Beef from them, I'll go to the corner shop down the road, the old Muslim who runs it is quite pleasant really. I remember he offered me a cheap flight back in September 2001, United Airlines it was, for some reason I couldn't take him up on his offer, maybe it was Yom Kippur.
Anyway just in case Mossad are still tracking me I'd better sign off, hopefully I'll get the all clear sign soon.

Shalom

I'm in hiding
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Bonanza
OK, I confess, I screwed up and I've had to sneak off into a safe house in the Vallance Road area until the heat dies down.
Just the other day, Mossad had given me top secret instructions to bump off not very well known international terrorist Ali Bul who had been masterminding a Bagel poisoning operation in Stamford Hill. Well the plan went off without a hitch, and the guy dropped dead as expected. Problem was my intelligence was flawed and I got the wrong guy. F*cking British Telecom should really proof read their phone books better.
Soooo the last few days you've probably been reading about Alan Ball the 1966 World Cup geezer who dropped dead suddenly the other night.
Actually I'm not too upset about it, as I remember the squeaky voiced c*nt telling me off for running on the pitch during the final, and from that day on I'd promised myself I'd get him back one day.
Anyway Mossad ain't too pleased as the PR won't be very good if the truth comes out, and Ali Bul has probably tumbled we're onto him and scarpered. Still at least the Bagels in Stamford Hill are safe for now.
Mossad's punishment for fouling up an operation is pretty terrifying, hence the reason I thought I'd better lay low for a while. It won't be long before someone else f*cks up and I'll be forgotten about. I couldn't even go to the Synagogue today, as I knew they'd be a Mossad presence there. It's going to be pretty depressing tomorrow too as what's the betting they're staking out the Bagel Bake as I type, and they know I have a big thing for Bagels.
OK, better disconnect before Mossad trace where I'm typing from and come and get me.

Shalom

Mood:  lazy
No updates because I've either got nothing to say (not very likely) or I'm busy on some covert mission and tapping away on a laptop while you're trying to pilot a helicopter is not a good idea.
Hopefully I'll be able to reveal all soon.

Shalom

News Of The World
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Ugly Betty
Well my Sunday routine is as per usual. I'm thinking of mixing it up a bit and maybe cycling into an Arab part of town for a bit of added excitement. Maybe I'd even chuck a few stale Bagels at the old towelheads, that'd really wind them up.
Got to keep it short as I got a call from the DTM and he tells me I can go on the early shift for the rest of the week. That and the fact I've got to put the mongs work at Tescos right means I don't have time to type too much. Besides the world seems pretty quiet at the moment so I don't think I'll be summoning the helicopter any time soon.
I'm just digging round the living room for my Israeli Army pocket knife as I've got some trolley repair work to do, and Tescos won't give me any tools. I don't know why everyone goes on about the shitty Swiss Army knives, the Israeli ones are much more use as they have a fold out telescopic and an uzi shoved into the end.
Anyway, just got time to nip down B&Q and buy myself a personal hi-vi so I don't have to wash mong dribble off of it.

Shalom

Call Me Irresponsible
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: Connect 4
Well Saturdays get a bit same old, same old. Dig out the frayed black suit, unironed white shirt, shoulder holster containing my weapon of the day, and then don my Kevlar skull cap and hop on the bike down to the Synagogue.
The ride down there reminds me of the time I won the King Of The Mountains in the Tour of Bognor all those years ago, and it's even more realistic since the council put down those speed humps, although when you go over those you don't really need to stuff newspapers up your shirt like those guys in the Tour De France. I do though, it gives me a chance to get rid of them without putting them in my bins. I'm just getting ready for when the council starts charging for rubbish by weight. My costs will be pretty low.
Still one thing about riding the bike, it's easier to get parked at the Synagogue these days, especially since some c*nt started parking a bus there. Takes up a huge chunk of the place, and as I walk pass it I notice the passengers are none too happy either. Still it's convenient for my window cleaner mate, as I notice his ladders shoved in the area where kids prams are meant to go.
Stroll into the Synagogue with a knowing glance toward the Russian security on the door who I can tell were former KGB by the cut of their suits. Listen to Goldberg ramble on for a while about some old bullshit, then it's all over and I can get back to my house and monitor the airwaves for any impending international crisis. You lot probably think that International Rescue were the first ones to do that. Well let me tell you, they nicked the idea from me, I've never been able to sue them yet as all my letters to Tracey Island are always returned as Address Unknown. I will admit they must have one hell of a security operation to be able to pull off a stunt like that.
Anyway enough for now, sounds like The Archers are about to start up...always an interesting show that...you'll never believe how many coded messages are contained in it.

Shalom

Flushed with success
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory
OK, not much to say this morning which I know some of you lot won't believe but it's the gospel truth.
Looks like I stirred up some more shit by moaning about the mongs at Tescos again. Even had some guy tell me that he could provide special rubber tools so the stupid bastards won't hurt themselves. Well tough, my TWAT position is all mine and I won't share it with anybody.
It's been a bit of a weird week what with changing shifts after a couple of days and I'd rather have a settled pattern. So before I leave I'm going to see the DTM and ask to be put on the early shift for a while. How am I going to save the world from major disaster if I don't get the messages until I get back to my safe house? By the time I've run the tape back and played them, the event is over. Look at that Chinkie geezer who shot the place up the other day in America. I could have got rid of him with a well placed head shot if I wasn't in bed!
Hopefully I'll get my wish, to be honest the bogs chuck up pretty bad during the day as all the traps are constantly in action. Must be a lot of sick people in this place.

Shalom

Don't Know Why
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Yassar Arafat's greatest speeches
Back on days as you all know by now, sorts of limits my time to do anything else, but at least last night I was able to drop into Tescos and do a bit of sorting out. I was quite pleased that the manager there has recognised my talents, and not only do I have the SCUM title, he now wants me to do some maintenance work on the trolleys themselves. It'll be cheaper than sending them away. To that end I now have the additional title of Trolley Wheel Attendant or TWAT.
Good thing about this job is that I don't have to work with the Mongs. They're not allowed anywhere near sharp objects, so it allows me to develop a maintenance plan which is all my own work. I'm basing it on the plan I developed for the Underground Railway system somewhere in London, which as most of you know I spent sometime working undercover on for so many years. Worked well for them...I'm sure Tescos will be pleased with it too. Mind you the manager was a bit taken aback when I asked him to construct a pit in the area where the food arrives, and I want him to spend money on an overhead crane...well these trolleys are heavy...don't want to do my back in.
He's going to think about, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I heard that many times before from management, I remember my plans for a rifle range etc have been turned down by my employers.
Anyway, better get on, smells like the occupant of the next trap has been on the Guinness last night.

Shalom

I Want Money
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: The Flying Lizards
Not much to say today, the DTM changed my shift as expected, and I'm finding it tough to get into the swing of things again. I'm surrounded by loads of f*cking Poles, and while I am a master of languages, I never got round to handling Polish. Now swahili or one of those other mumbo jumbo things I'm pretty fluent in - just ask some of the cleaners - but these Eastern European things are a different matter. For some reason Mossad never bothered with those, and neither did the Kray Twins.
So it's back to the bogs with the grunting and the strange smells and people constantly tripping over the lead I use to plug my top secret communication device into the wall. I'm thinking of asking for a permanent transfer to the early shift, at least I get a bit of peace and quiet there.
Mind you day shift does have its advantages, there are a lot more freaks about to take the piss out of, plus there's the usual bunch of layabouts like the geezer with the variable bad back syndrome, and the dopey c*nt with big ears was trying to slide quietly out of the STD clinic. Looking at his record I see he's been referred to a proctologist as he has a strange object shoved up his arse...probably his brain.
Still we'll see how this week goes before I do anything drastic.

Shalom

All quiet on the West Bank
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Flushed Away
Well no reaction from that SCOPE mob, but I'm ready to deal with anything they throw my way. The shaft of my UZI is all greased up, and the knuckledusters I haven't used since I last went to the pub with Ronnie and Reggie are nicely polished.
I don't expect any trouble though, my reputation as a master debater - I think that's what I've been called - tends to make people shy away from a conflict with me, that and the fact I am deadly when aiming for a head shot.
Not much else to say today, the DTM is going to change my shift for the rest of the week, so no more early morning updates. Pity, I'm getting pretty used to the silence of the toilet cubicles, might find it a bit tough once they get all noisy again, plus someone sitting in the trap next door has a tendency to weaken my signal a little bit.

Shalom