It' Raining Again
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: With my blow up bed

My my, what a week that was. All this f*cking rain did my little shelter on Clapham Common no good at all, but at least it kept all those f*cking George Michael fans away from me. Bunch of c*nts they are, just because I'm living in the bushes for a while they think they can come and harrass me for a while. I mean the other night one of them asked me for a blow job. I thought that's handy as my blow up bed was in need of some extra air, why the f*ck he dropped his f*cking trousers I have no idea, but I soon sent him on his way. If you offer to blow into something for me you'd better have a good set of lungs I can tell you. I like my Mossad air bed nice and firm.

Communications are still a problem for me as running cables to hook up to street lights is proving  bit difficult. Apparently since a bunch of thieving gippo's last camped on the Common, the council upgraded security on the lamp posts. Even my Israeli Army knife couldn't crack it. These bastard Arabs ruin everything for everyone else...can you see why we like to bomb the shit out of them from time to time. Anyway in an effort to restore contact with Tel Aviv I went down to Argos and picked up their top of the range Walkie Talkie set. Haven't heard anything from Tel Aviv yet, but I know they work. If I could handle more than one person on my bike I'd be making a fortune now with all the minicabs I've heard. Maybe I should get the Tandem out of storage.

OK, coffee's getting cold plus my Big Mac is beginning to look a bit angry at me. I was well pissed off this morning when they said they didn't have any Bacon Cheeseburgers available. How can I be a good Jew boy without any Bacon inside me before I go to Synagogue?

 Shalom

Lycra shorts and all that
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Munich

OK, just a quick update as I'm feeling pretty lazy today and the price of Coffee is pretty high in this particular Starbucks. I think I'll start using McDonald's or something in future, much cheaper and plastic chairs so much more practical.

I've been getting a few e-mails from the "happy" community claiming I'm some sort of anti-poof character. I never realised there were so many proctologists among them, as many have offered to "exercise my arsehole". Well I think I should let you all know that my arse is in perfectly good working order, but I shall certainly take you up on your kind offers if I think it starts to get lazy. On the other hand I have to strongly condemn those who think I don't like you gay boys. I'll have you know that Mossad is an equal opportunities employer - except for Arabs...we don't employ those - and take a very strong line against comments against anyone because of their sexual orientation (I'm reading this out of the Mossad rule book). Not sure what part applies to you bum bandits but I'm sure it's in there somewhere.

My new safe house is taking a bit longer to put together than initially thought, so I've got a few more weeks living with nature in Clapham. I'm getting used to it now, but it'll be nice to get back to a solidly built bunker with the state of the art communications links with Tel Aviv. At the moment I fly a kite with a message on it and hope it gets picked up, I'm not sure how many of my messages are getting through.

Finally I'm hoping that some historical archives of my previous life on the Internet will start to make an appearance soon. Watch this space.

 Shalom

Saturday already!
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Escape from Colditz

F*ck me, that week flew by. Somehow word got back to the lads at work I'd been caught cottaging, and all week I've had to put up with my locker being filled with f*cking Tesco bags. C*nts...some bastard even jammed a trolley in one of the disabled bogs and fitted carrier bags over the wheels. They think they're f*cking funny, just like that time that bunch of Arabs somehow cracked Mossad's secret e-mail code and sent an e-mail to about 5 million Palestinians inviting them to a reunion. Moshe wasn't happy about that I can tell you.

Anyway I thought I'd try a different Synagogue today, as I am an international man of mystery I thought nobody would recognize me. Fat chance, as soon as I got there I noticed a number 93 bus parked in the car park. Just my f*cking luck, and sure enough there was the old window cleaner/bus driver. I don't know what the deal is with him, he was handing out leaflets advertising a "facts machine for sale". Either he has some computer based reference book, or it's a typing error.

I'm still camping out on Clapham Common, I was going to try Shepherd's Bush Green but I don't know what's worse. Drunken scotsmen called Teflon, or some fat geezer called Tony who wants to cuddle up to me every night. I figured I can handle the Clapham Common brigade easier, and I've found that nailing George Michael pictures around the trees on the common seems to give them something else to do so they leave me alone. All good stuff.

OK, better get going, my coffee is getting cold.

 Shalom

Up the Junction
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The Guns Of Navarone

I don't think moving to Clapham Common is going to help me much. I thought I'd be getting away from the Quentins of this world, instead I got a lousy nights sleep, as some geezer who claimed to be a former Labour party MP from Wales kept trying to get under my carefully constructed shelter...the new safe house can't come quick enough.

I've found building the shelter to be a tricky operation. My previous survival training was all based in the desert, and apart from digging a hole there's not much you can do with sand. I do remember one Mossad trainee who had the bright idea of shovelling the sand on top of himself, making himself completely undetectable. Great idea, and it worked really well. At least it did until I drove over him in my company issued tank. After that Mossad issued new instructions telling us that if we were to do the same thing, we should shove a bright orange flag through the top. Ok, no one ever got run over again, but for some reason the Arabs seemed to find us easier to pick out.

Still even with all my current problems, I still find time for a Bagel, and this morning I did the Brick Lane run with no problems. I was a bit worried about leaving my bike out on the Common, but I've learned as long as I don't take the saddle off nobody seems particularly interested in it, you'd think it'd be the other way around, but I'm getting the feeling places like this attract a certain kind of person. I think I'll send this valuable piece of information to Tel Aviv, make come in useful for our blackmail department.

OK, back to work tomorrow, can hardly wait, the bogs at the hospital are paradise compared to the ones at the prison, plus the paper is softer.

 

Shalom

Inside and Out
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Tennis with Tony Blackburn

Well I'm well pissed off. It's been a real shitty week and I've spent most of it in a Jail cell after I went cottaging with that geezer Quentin I met while I was camping on Hampstead Heath.

Now I don't know about you lot, but when someone tells me he enjoys cottaging, I assume he means he shares my interest in visiting quaint English villages looking at the cottages and drinking Tea. Well not this c*nt! It seemed a bit unusual that we never went to catch a train, and he had a couple of Tesco bags stuffed in his pocket. In fact we never made it past the bogs on the Heath. I thought he got caught short as he headed for the trap, I also thought he just didn't want to get his feet dirty as he put them in the Tesco bag. Imagine my surprise when he asked me to join him in there and put my feet in a Tesco bag too. Now I know the bogs on the Heath can be a bit dodgy, but surely he would have been just as safe with me hanging around outside the trap door. Anyway to cut a long story short, just as I was about to do that to keep him happy, a copper walks in and promptly nicks us both. Turns out cottaging isn't as innocent as I thought it was. I've spent the week trying to convince everyone that I'm no nonce. They even had a good laugh at my mysterious ID card with the Star of David on it...bastards...and I've had to face some pretty tough questions from Tel Aviv...such as wouldn't I have been better off using Kwik Save bags...they have a point there.

So today I'm keeping a low profile, no doubt word of my arrest has reached the Synagogue. Even though in the end they accepted I was an innocent party, you can be sure I'd be showered in carrier bags if I showed up there, although once they put a 10p tax on the things that won't happen. As for my safe house move...hopefully that'll get sorted out this week...for now I'm camping out on Clapham Common instead...well away from the Quentins of this world.

 Shalom

Tour De France
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: Kraftwerk

Well what a week it's been. All my stuff has been packed into boxes and taken away by the Mossad movers to a destination so secret even I don't know where it is. So at the moment I'm living under a couple of tree branches on Hampstead Heath, where I have to say all the other geezers here seem to make a lot of noise at night although they are pretty friendly.

Today is the start of the Tour De France, and I've got lots of e-mails asking me why I'm not taking part. Well I've been there and done that, and as I'm allergic to Lycra it's probably not a good idea for me to ride for long periods anymore. I might be circumcised but the bollocks still itch a lot. Besides it's not as tough as they make out, the Tour De Cricklewood is much harder, those disabled ramps in the IKEA car park are pretty substantial, you really earn that polka dot jersey let me tell you.

Other news is that as a result of the recent happenings in London, we ain't employing any more Muslim quacks for a while, especially since we caught one syphoning petrol out of the old cripple ambulance we have parked up. Also I've applied to join a new elite NHS cycling force who will cycle round the streets of London ready to react to the first sign of an dodgy happenings. I think I stand a good chance of getting in, first off I'm a fantastic cyclist, second off my time in an Israeli Army MASH unit gives me far more battlefield experience than any of the other nonces applying.

Anyway better wrap things up, some nice bloke called Quentin has just rustled my branches and tells me it's time to go. Apparently he knows some nice cottages we can visit...I love those old English cottages and wasn't aware there were so many in the Hampstead area, he even has a name for the activity...he calls it cottaging...sounds like fun.

 

Shalom

I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Airport

F*ck me, what's it all coming to? Everyone's getting all excited about a couple of geezers who were late for their flight up in Glasgow. Get a grip you dozy bastards, how many of you lot have wanted to get as close as you could to the terminal? I mean, if you've got a lot of luggage you wouldn't want to walk it very far would you? Also wearing some stuff around your body leaves your hands free to do somthing else like carrying an Uzi or something. Anyway even if they were terrorists I'm sure they'd have had someone there who could have taken them down with a head shot...if not then standards are slipping...I'm available to carry out some sharpshooting training at very short notice if necessary...just e-mail me at the usual address.

Still all this stuff gave us all something to talk about at the Synagogue yesterday, despite my opinion there's quite a few people who quite like Mercedes and can't believe that they didn't use a Fiat Punto or something to plant a bomb in. Typical Jewboys, always looking at the cost...and I can't wait until that bloke turns up at the car pound asking for his car back...his credit card bill is going to be something else...bomb disposal experts don't come cheap, I know how much I charge, and let me tell you, a box set of Bernie Winters is pretty high end.

Brick Lane had pretty tight security this morning, even searched the saddlebag on my bike, I did consider flashing the mysterious ID card with the Star of David on it but I didn't want to make a fuss. Also the Bagel Bake have installed their new Pork detector at the door, they're concerned that some people aren't using the Bagels for non kosher puposes and might be stuffing something like Bacon in them...they might be onto something too, the number of people turned away because they'd stopped at Tescos on the way down was incredible...they should do what I do...get the Bagels first.

Hopefully the move to my new safe house will go through without any problems, Mossad have found me a nice little place opposite a Mosque which means I can do intelligence gathering from the comfort of my foxhole which I plan to dig in the front garden. It just needs painting with that stuff they use on those yankee spy planes and I'll be in business. That does mean that I'll have to pitch a tent on Hampstead Heath for a while until it's done...almost like old times when me and Benny were camped out in the desert during 'Desert Storm 1' looking for Iraqui Scud missiles...but that's another story.

 Shalom

Man I'm busy
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: I'm Turning Japanese

Ok, I know I haven't been around much lately, a couple of reasons for that. First off I've been advised that my ID might have been accidently revealed so I need to move safe house. Apparently when I signed up for a couple of shifts in the local McDonald's they left my application form on the counter. I'm pretty gutted, I was looking forward to wearing that trendy cap with the little 'm' on it. I know it's trendy because I see loads of kids wearing them. It's all part of Mossad trying to reconnect with the kids on the street.

Secondly I've been working undercover again, this time driving an ambulance around the west end. Lucky for you lot I was...who else could have sorted out that car bomb that quickly. I got pretty pissed off with the local law wanting to call in the bomb squad to sort it out. As I've always said why f*ck around. The dozy c*nts who plant these things always wire them up the same way. So I just strolled over and using my NHS issued scissors I cut the red and earthed the blue. Problem solved. Mind you my task was made easier by them planting it in a f*cking Mercedes. Mossad have been using those things for years so breaking into it was a piece of piss. To tell the truth they're a shit car...give me a Renault Laguna any day.

So I'm typing away surrounded by boxes. It's only when you move you realise how much junk you've got. I discovered stuff I thought I'd lost, like a packet of Mossad issued Cyanide tablets, a couple of black outfits which don't fit anymore, an old orange hi-vi from my days working on that Underground railway somewhere in London, and an old Curlywurly I found under one of my armchairs. That had been worrying me for years...I'm glad I found that...might tuck into it later.

OK, well I'd better head down the Synagogue, the window cleaner reckons he can get me a good deal on some windolene and seeing as I'm going to have to clean my windows I think it's too good a deal to miss. I'm not paying that w*nker to clean them though...last time I did that my fax machine went missing.

 

Shalom

No time to do anything
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Mission Impossible
When you're a busy international man of mystery like me it's hard to find the time to relax and idle about on the computer and update this thing.
Anyway I just got back from the synagogue and thought I'd bring everyone up to date on my goings on.
First off I'm hot on the trail of the Mossad test paper smuggler, a tip off led me to a mud hut in outer Mongolia. I haven't really checked it out yet, but I sent the geezer an e-mail so I'm hoping he'll confess. It might stretch the Mossad budget to get a fleet of black cars sent out there to terrorise him.
NHS budget cuts have hit the hospital and they've scrapped the Polish classes they were giving us all. Pity it wasn't Zulu or bullshit we wanted to teach, I'm fluent in both. The other effect of the budget cuts is that they won't pay for us to inflate our trolley tyres down at the local Esso anymore. Pity, that was a nice little scam as I got the bike tyres done at the same time.
Not much else going on, I have a Milk Tray mission planned for tonight so I'd better make sure my grapple hooks are in good shape and that the dry cleaners took that stain off my black outfit.

Shalom

I lov the smell of Bagels in the morning
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Cowboys and Indians
Ahhhh, Sunday, the feel of the warm Bagels from the Bagel Bake caress my buttocks as that's where I keep them to make sure they don't get too cold before I complete the bike ride back to the safe house.
I think I've mentioned before how much the area around the Bagel Bake has changed since those halcyon days with Ronnie and Reggie (who still can't be found). It's pretty odd going inside a Jewish run bakery and finding the sign above the door has had to be translated into Urdu because that's what the local council want, and then because of equal opportunities you're served by some geezer called Mohammed wearing a burkha. Still that's progress I guess. The Bagels are still tasty though, they have a very distinctive flavour.
Some of you have been asking how you can get nominated for the Golden Bagel award. Well first off you have to be Jewish, that goes without saying, you have to have seen some action (riding home on the last tube on a Saturday night doesn't count), and generally have a proven track record of achieving something for the Israeli nation. Now you can probably work out why I'm such a front runner for the award, I score big points on all three fronts. I'm going to tap into my Hollywood connections to try and push my case, I have it on good authority that Charlie Chaplain is more than willing to put a few good words in for me, and of course Kirk and Sophia have added their support.
I won't bother giving you a report of the Synagogue run yesterday, every week it's the same old boring bullshit, I think I might try another religion for a week or two.
OK, I'm going to clean my bike, if anyone knows how to get hold of Ronnie and Reggie an anonymous tip off would be welcome...we can't make that movie without them.

Shalom

Just got back
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Time Flies By When You're The Driver Of A Train
Well it's been a crazy week, got a call from Mossad to go and stir things up a bit down on the Gaza Strip and if you've been reading the news you'll see I've been pretty successful. Of course everyone has misunderstood the whole reason for the fighting. They all think it's political, yet using my sources I worked out how to really stir the pot up. All I had to do was plant a letter on the right geezer saying Ronnie Rosenthal is a better striker than that Gippo c*nt Mido ever will be and then stand back and wait. Well it's had the desired result and shortly we'll be able to bomb the shit out of the place...nobody insults Ronnie Rosenthal and gets away with it.
While I was on the Gaza my mate Kirk called me with an update on the proposed movie about the Six Day War. Seems they're having a bit of trouble getting hold of Ronnie and Reggie and he wants my help. I'll have to do some digging about, haven't seen much of them myself recently, but I only venture into the East End on Sundays these days, and they're probably sleeping off a heavy session on the Brown Ale the night before. I'll ask the bloke behind the counter at the Bagel Bake if he's heard from them lately...their old mum loves a Bagel so if anyone would have seen them it'll be him.
Apart from that, it's been a quiet week, didn't troop into the hospital as I was away on special ops, but it's all getting a bit routine there at the moment...I need a new undercover posting...quite fancy working at Tandy's or something...I don't know.
OK, better dust off the skull cap and head for the Synagogue where we'll no doubt have a giggle or two about those dopey Arabs blowing each other to bits.

Shalom

They shoot Arabs...don't they?
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Willy Wanka and his rubber sheet factory
The reason I head down the Synagogue for the evening goings on are that it tends to be livelier than the morning session. After a long day, there's a chance that a few people may have been knocking back that nice little Lebanese wine (kosher of course) and in the mood to heckle that boring bastard Goldberg.
For my part I don't drink and cycle - although my capacity for alcohol is legendary - so I lay off the Norseman lager until I get back to the safe house.
Anyway, it seems nobody had been hitting the bottle yesterday, so Goldberg got off lightly. I was tempted but I'm trying not to draw attention to myself. I'm hoping to be on the shortlist for this years golden Bagel award, and insulting a rabbi might damage my chances.
Had an interesting chat last night with my US buddy Kirk. He's heard that they're thinking of making a movie about the Six Day War, and he wants to know if I'd be willing to help out. I've agreed but only on the condition that Sophia Loren plays Golda Maier, and that Ronnie and Reggie play Generals. Of course the biggest part will be the guy who gets to play me...I think Hugh Grant would look good with an eye patch but knowing my luck they'll pick some unknown actor like Hugh Janus (He once had a bit part in Jaws).
Still that's a long way off, it'll need funding for a start, and shekels are hard to come by at the moment, and I'm certainly not going to use my Bagel fund to help out.
Anyway, talking of Bagels, Brick Lane beckons.

Shalom

Another weekend
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Bing Crosby sings The Sex Pistols
Well it's been a week of high old activity. As you lot may know, it was the 40th anniversary of the Six Day War this week, the one where I beat all those f*cking Arabs with just a plastic knife for a weapon. Of course it helped that Ronnie, Reggie and the rest of the firm were there to help me, even better we kicked Frankie Fraser's butt at the same time seeing as he was helping the Arabs.
So I've been in demand as the main player in the events...interviews with the West Bank Times, even the Mossad staff magazine...the name of which has to be kept secret otherwise you'd all be looking for it online...Shalom TV even wanted to speak to me but I had to turn them down as the black bar they wanted to put over my eyes to protect my identity wasn't big enough.
Anyway it's all pissed the hospital off big time all these journalists running around and getting knocked over by trolleys, if I hadn't had threatened a couple I think we would be sued big time.
OK, just getting ready for the late show at the Synagogue so I have to make a run for it...rumour has it I may get the Golden Bagel this year...now that would be a honour.

Shalom

The Bagel Bake Blues
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: The Wiggles
Usual old Sunday routine. Hop on the bike up to Brick Lane and my old haunt of the Bagel Bake. Some of you have asked me why I don't stop at all the other Bagel shops I must cycle past. Well the Bagel Bake has a special place in my black Balaclava. It was where I met Ronnie and Reggie, and where I began my undercover stuff with Mossad. It also has the added bonus of being owned by Jews and having the cheapest Bagels in London...but that's just coincidence.
It was a bit annoying this morning though, all those characters who'd got the discount vouchers from the Synagogue last week were there and waving them about if they were some sort of magic pass. C*nts trying to jump the queue of us loyal patrons. I noticed Goldberg was standing outside flogging a few extras off. Obviously they didn't shift too well on ebay.
Among the top secret communications I receive here in my safe house I got one from somebody telling me that I'd had a lucky escape by not working for Kwik Save and that I shouldn't be too hard on Lidl as the stuff there is even more inferior and therefore cheaper. I've never checked out a Lidl...but armed with that sort of info maybe I'll take a cycle ride down there...they'd better have a place to chain up my bike. I am a bit concerned because of their German background but I suppose the war ended a long time ago so maybe it's time I forgave them.
Not much else going on, I am trying to get hold of Benny to see where he is and when the lazy bastard is going to freshen up the webpages with some new stuff. I'll let you know how I get on.

Shalom

In hot water
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Anything depressing
Boy has this been a rough f*cking week. First the hospital announced they're going to ban smoking...bastards...what excuse can I make for skiving around by the bins now? Then it emerged that another part of the Mossad aptitude test had leaked out. So I've got Tel Aviv breathing down my neck. This is not good, as you know my current mission is to stop this happening. Still at least the bits that have got out are only the early papers...the real tough ones which require you to write something haven't emerged. I think I'm also getting close to the source...could be something to do with the CIA I think. Those w*nkers have always been jealous of me because of the suits I used to wear at JFK.
So it's been all go, but at least I can get back into my normal Saturday routine and that involves cycling down to the Synagogue and listening to the old bullshit that comes out of Goldberg's mouth. He really needs to try and liven it up a bit...you know a few tales about the old East End, Airports that sort of thing. If he doesn't want to do it, I will...after all I like to talk.
I'm also pretty annoyed because I just found out I won't be getting that job at Kwik Save I'd put in for. Something about not needing any more SCUM (Remember Shopping Cart Utilisation Manager). Bastards I was looking forward to the 20% discount off of all the high quality products they sell in their supermarkets, not forgetting all the Panda Cola you can drink. I blame the Germans...ever since Lidl came on the scene it just hasn't been the same.
Anyway better wrap it up...Chelsea/Fulham have a couple of blank spots in their team photo and they want me to fill in for them.

Shalom

Dog Day Afternoon
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Airport 77
Well if it's a Bank Holiday then the weather has to be shit...and so it's proved to be. I wish I'd gone into work today, a bit of overtime would have come in useful. But I'm working on the Mossad aptitude test paper case, plus it's the Motspur Park carnival and I bet you get the usual amount of clowns who injure themselves on the Bouncy Castle. Here's a little known fact for you...did you know that Mossad invented the Bouncy Castle? Used to position it under buildings just in case our climbing equipment let us down before we'd forced our way through a window. Never happened to me of course, but I do remember the f*cking thing always getting full of kids before I could deflate it. Mossad though not being a commercial company didn't register the rights to it, so an agent who left managed to nick one from the stores, painted Bouncy Castle on the side, and the rest is history.
Some bright spark has suggested that B&Q might not be the best place to get Tank tracks, I might be better off going to an Army surplus store instead. Now that might be very well if you own a common or garden tank...but of course my one is no ordinary tank, and the parts are not the sort you can get off the shelf at Halfords. But B&Q have a very good Tank Track section, although it's pretty hard to spot, even the staff don't know it's there, but then again the calibre of B&Q staff are up there with the CIA...I'll say no more.
I'm not making much headway with this test paper thing, and it seems my appeal for information has fallen on deaf ears. Maybe a discount on kosher herrings isn't enough to tempt one of you to grass. OK, I'll throw in half a dozen Pepsi Max (ignore the date on the tin...they're still alright). I hope that starts the ball rolling, but if anyone wants to sponsor a reward I suspect that might help.
Anyway I'm off to the airport for a while, I need to keep my skills sharp, and with it being so busy it'll be a real test of my ability. So if you're at Heathrow today and see some geezer rolling around under benches. Don't get too worried, it's not someone having a fit, it's probably me trying out head shot positions.

Shalom

Crowded Out
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Teletubbies
Blimey, it didn't matter how fast I cycled down the Synagogue yesterday. It turned out that people had been lining up overnight for the Bagel bake discount vouchers so I was left empty handed. I'm pretty pissed off, I'm a regular down the Bagel Bake and some of those who got vouchers probably don't even know where it is. You should have seen the trading going on afterwards, and I bet if I look on Ebay I'll find a few for sale on there too. Money grabbing bastards, no wonder the Germans don't like us.
Anyway I'm not that tight fisted, the Bagel Bake is worth the trip however much I might have to pay, but the extra 5% off would have come in handy I must admit.
Not much else going on in the world of spying. I'm still trying to track down the character who is leaking the Mossad aptitude test to the outside world, and I hear rumours that he/she may be about to publish the fourth paper. Somehow I have to try and prevent this, looks like I'm going to have to do some serious work, so much for the Bank holiday. I was hoping to get down B&Q and do some shopping, but there are times when us undercover operatives have to make sacrifices. So if any of you lot are making a trip down the DIY store and you want to help out your favourite jewboy, give me a shout and I'll send you a list of my needs. It's not much, just a few shovels and some stuff for making Tank tracks.
OK, back to Googling Mossad aptitude tests...sooner or later this character is going to make a mistake...then he won't know what hit him.

Shalom

Something for the weekend
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Some classic Bernie Winters
First off I'm sorry things aren't appearing as as they should do. My new shift at the hospital isn't helping, and neither are Mossad who've asked me to look into who's been leaking their aptitude test to the outside world.
This is pretty serious stuff I'm into, the aptitude test is used almost exclusively by Mossad to decide who gets in and who doesn't. If you take it you're sworn to secrecy on the contents, if you so much as leak a question you'll find some dodgy looking black cars sitting outside your house. If the thing becomes common knowledge, you'll have all sorts of retards getting in, and that's bad news. If you ask me standards have already fallen a long way since my day, the new guys just don't seem to have the gift of the gab as the Scottish say. Probably because they've never seen any proper action.
I did notice that some geezer called Bobby Charlton commented on my last entry. Now I don't know about you, but what sort of c*nt names their kid after a place in London. Almost as bad as that Jewish bloke called Jesus Christ...what was going on there? Naming a kid after old buildings that are everywhere. Still I'll give him his due, he must have sent his CV everywhere, even that old bastard the Pope mentions him from time to time.
Talking of religion, I'm off down the synagogue in a minute, could be fun as I hear they're dishing out money off coupons for the Bagel Bake to the first 100 turning up. I'm going to make sure I get there early, 20p off a dozen bagels is just too much of an offer to resist.
So it's bike clips on and I'm out of here. If you have any tips on who's leaking the Mossad test, you can e-mail me or leave a comment. I'll follow all leads...and as an added incentive if your tip leads me to the source...you'll get a reward voucher for some kosher herring.

Shalom

Match Report
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Match Of The Day
Well those of you not tuning into Shalom TV missed a great FA Cup Final. The highlights for me were Kirk Douglas's hatrick and Sophia Loren getting a red card for headbutting Mussolini.
I love football, and I'm so knowledgeable about the game I could talk about it for hours...then again I could talk about anything for hours...that shows what an interesting character I am.
For some obscure reason I've been getting a lot of things sent to me marked up as Mossad Aptitude Tests. While I'm pretty impressed with the high standard of the responses, you have to be something special to earn the mysterious ID card with the Star of David on it. How many of you have actually seen action? I've seen loads, and that's what makes me well qualified to be a secret agent, that and the fact I'm good at keeping a low profile and not saying much. That's one of the things Ronnie Kray used to say to me..."Keep your head down son and we'll do fine" Mind you he normally had me on my knees at that point.
Synagogue was boring yesterday, usual old religious bullshit. I can't wait until we get a new trendy Jewish church going, you know, one that lets you eat Bacon, doesn't make you get up early on a Saturday, make you wear a stupid hat, and allows Bagels seven days a week. Now I could really go for something like that.
OK, talking of Bagels, it's time to hit the road to Brick Lane...later Mossad fans.

Shalom

Cup Final Day
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: The Wiggles
Sorry for the continued lack of regular updates. Being an undercover operative means that sometimes you just can't spend ages sitting by a computer keyboard working out what's classified and what's not, plus Tel Aviv have been on my case a bit.
Turns out they're interested in a bit of a gamble on the FA cup final, and in an effort to make sure they don't lose any shekels, I was asked to get a copy of the team line ups.
Well for the last few days I've been hiding in many a bush watching the lads train, sneaking into bedrooms (My Milk Tray experience really counted there) and I think I came up with the goods. So if any of you lot fancy a little flutter, here's todays line ups.

Fulham: Jimmy Hill, George Best, Bobby Moore, Johnny Haynes, Dixie Dean, Kirk Douglas, Harrison Ford, Benito Mussolini, Frankie Fraser, Alf Garnett, Golda Maier (Capt)

As knowledgeable as I am about football that's a pretty formidable line up, although I'm not so sure playing Mussolini upfront will help Fulham.

Up against them are the unsung heroes of Corinthians so here's the deal with them.

Corinthians: Smythe, Quentin, Johnny Cash, Sophia Loren, Michael Jackson, Rob Roy, Robert The Bruce, Anwar Sadat, Ronnie Kray (Capt), Reggie Kray, Charlie Kray

Should be a pretty entertaining match and I bet The Dell will be packed to the rafters for it, I'll be there in the directors box, just behind JFK who is presenting the trophy. Hopefully my bosses at Mossad will be pleased with my efforts and I'll be in the good books again.
OK, better get going, I'm going to the evening session at the Synagogue today, so just enough time to make the match before I go.

Shalom