Mood:  irritated

You f*cking c*nts who read this really drive me crazy sometimes with your daft questions. Some c*nt has sent me an e-mail asking who the UJF are. Now far be it from me to poor scorn on some f*cking retard who hasn't got his finger on the political pulse, but if you don't know who we are by now you haven't lived. But just to clarify, we are an alliance of closet Jews who may or may not have connections to Mossad and the Kray twins and have never met Frankie Fraser. I hope that clears it up. Our membership is so top secret even I don't know who is involved...I do know though that I am widely regarded as their master orator.

Speaking of c*nts, my package from Tel Aviv still hasn't arrived yet, and it may be that my masters back in Israel will have to resend the goods. This additional expense will mean that Mossad are less able to assassinate people who piss them off, and may mean a small deduction being taken out of my Geneva bank account. Bastard posties, if I catch that c*nt doing his rounds in the middle of winter wearing an exclusive Pierre Cardin black Balaclava I think a head shot may be in order, although thinking about it, those ones normally have kevlar lining...maybe I'll shoot him in the bollocks instead.

I'll be going back to my normal hospital on Monday after completing my two weeks covering in Slough. Jesus that place is a f*cking hellhole, and I pity any of you c*nts who live there. I ended up having to chain my bike to my trolley so I could keep an eye on it all the time, pissed off the surgeons no end as the wheels kept getting caught on the operating theatre doors. Can't say I was too impressed by them either, they would never have been able to handle what I saw in the MASH tents back in Israel.

OK, it's off to Synagogue with me, time to see what's next in my coded message from Tel Aviv, finding out what follows "the cat sat on the mat" has been keeping me up all week...the excitement is almost over.

Shalom

Mood:  not sure

Well my phone has been ringing off the hook since that Ming geezer quit as leader of the Limp Dems. I'm much in demand to stand for the leadership of the party and you can see why...I'm a master orator and can spellbind an audience for hours talking about nothing in particular, I have rugged good looks, and I'm a snappy dresser who has women falling at his feet, especially when I'm in my black outfit (just ask Madam Sue). However I'm taking this opportunity to rule myself out of the running, I'm already involved in the UJF and besides I don't want to pay the membership dues.

Of course this wouldn't be a problem if I took up some of the offers from my African readers, who are more than willing to give me some of the proceeds of the bank account of some geezer who has been killed in mysterious circumstances. Now while I am familiar with arranging accidents of this nature, I don't normally help myself to their bank accounts afterwards. If I need any extra funds, I either tap up Mossad for a few shekels or hang around the Supermarket car park for a while. So thanks to Mr Tarima West and the others who have made this kind offer, but maybe you could channel your efforts to people who need it...by the way I am a well seasoned traveller and am very familiar with Russia after my run ins with the KGB...whereabouts in Russia is Burkino Fasa?

Anyway enough talk, the phone's ringing again and I have someone waiting on a trolley outside the office.

Shalom

Mood:  not sure

Well I dutifully attended the synagogue yesterday to hidden messages in his boring ramblings. Checking with my Fisher Price codebook, I worked out that he was telling me that the "Cat sat on the Mat". Now I must be out of the loop or something but I'm wondering who the f*ck this Cat geezer is. Is he an international terrorist in the same league as Carlos the Jackal? If he is he must be a Muslim, they're always sitting on mats. Maybe next week when I pick up the next bit of the message it'll all become a bit clearer. I can only assume that this must be a mission of top secrecy as the information is being released in small bits, probably be christmas before I get the whole thing.

Because I spent so long working on decoding this crap, I didn't have much of a chance to do anything else yesterday, and there's still no sign of my Mossad equipment. This really will teach those w*nkers in Tel Aviv a lesson. They shove this stuff through the normal mail system because they get a discounted rate through the Israeli post office, but as soon as it hits the UK those lazy striking bastards working for the Royal Mail hold everything up. Bunch of lazy c*nts. Can you imagine what would happen if us secret agents stopped work for a while. Be f*cking chaos.

I do worry about the sort of person who reads this. Only yesterday I got an e-mail from someone asking me who Ronnie and Reggie were. Are you for f*cking real? I learned more off of those geezers than any Mossad training course, and one day if I can get my Jewish Mafia off of the ground you'll see what I mean. There won't be a Dinari in the land we won't be able to get our hands on. In the meantime if you really want to know, do your own f*cking research and Goggle it like I did.

OK, another week in Slough coming up so I've got to get the bike ready, plus my Bagels are getting cold.

Shalom

Mood:  lazy

It's been a bit of a weird week overall. Got a call from the hospital asking me if I wouldn't mind filling in at another place for the week. A change of scenery is always nice so I had no problem with it. Got to admit though the area was a bit rough, I'd heard Slough wasn't that great but I was f*cking horrified. Just glad my jabs are up to date. Also had to dig out my Mossad issued bike lock and remove the saddle just to be on the safe side. Forgot to put the saddle back on one night too, that's a ride I won't forget in a hurry I can tell you.

Now some of you lot are probably thinking I'm a bit of a tree hugger by cycling everywhere. Well when you've won cycling championships etc you tend to enjoy riding, and I must admit I do. But the reason is a little more obvious than that. It saves me a lot of money, Mossad took away the petrol allowance a long time ago, and I'll be f*cked if I'm paying the price that Tesco charge these days. It's bad enough having to pay 20p for air for the bike tyres, one of the reasons I invested in a new pump from Woolies the other week. So if anyone out there thinks I'm available for Airport protests or anything...go and find some other c*nt, once my US contact sends me my new fake ID for the US bases in England, I'll be filling up the VW Beetle there.

I've been told by Tel Aviv to expect some new equipment in the next few days, but because the f*cking postmen have been on strike it hasn't arrived yet. What a bunch of c*nts, don't they realise that this stuff I'm getting could lead to me being assigned a mission that might change history. Would never have happened if Ronnie and Reggie had still been about, they knew how to keep c*nts like that in line. Still gives me something to look forward to, unlike Goldberg's sermon this afternoon, but I've got my Fisher Price codebook at the ready so I'll have to go and listen...who knows I might even find out what sorting office my Mossad stuff is at.

Shalom

Mood:  irritated

OK, well no doubt you lot are all wondering what I got out of my trip to Woolies yesterday. The Tooting Broadway Woolworths will always have a special place in my heart, it's where I first signed up for Mossad, and I bought my first ever Black Balaclava, although it was closer to a shade of Navy Blue but back then I couldn't tell the difference. Boy did I get a lot of stick over that...it wasn't until my Auntie Sharon knitted me a proper black one that I finally got accepted as one of the lads...anyway that's a story for another time.

Well my trip was one huge f*cking disappointment. When I was an impressionable young agent, I swear the place was full of exciting stuff like shaped charges and ropes to throw out of helicopters. These days though it's all very tame, and from my point of view it's full of tat. They didn't even have the Uzi clips I was after. In fact my information was completely wrong. It was paper clips they were selling off on the buy one get one free scheme. I must admit I was mightily tempted by getting a box, but they looked pretty cheap and nasty, you need good sturdy ones to be able to pick locks and defuse bombs. So I came away almost empty handed, did pick up a new pump for my bike though.

Because of my trip there, I missed Synagogue. I can't afford to do that too often though as I've heard that Goldberg's sermons are really coded messages from Tel Aviv, if I miss too many sessions they won't make much sense to me at all. Also they've just launched a new 'frequent attender' scheme. It's a bit like Air Miles but instead of free flights, you get things such as free fillings for your Bagels or a cheap funeral. I need to get in on that, the Bagel Bake has just put up its prices.

OK, better get on, got to keep the bike in ready to roll condition in case I'm asked to carry out a last minute covert operation.

Shalom

Mood:  incredulous

Well all week long I've been up to quite a few things. Obviously pushing a trolley around the hopital is one of them, then I went back to the safer realms of the Safeway car park to make a little bit extra, but most of all I've been a man in demand, and no this time it's not for my marksmanship skills.

All week long this talk of an election has had all the parties knocking on the door of my safe house wanting me to be a candidate. I'm known for my master of oratory, so I shouldn't have been too shocked. Even that bunch of misfits with the dodgy policies - The Liberal Democrats - tried their hand. I turned all of them down though, there's only one party for me and that's the UJF, got to stay true to my beliefs, and nobody else seems to have the policy of nuking the Gaza Strip and having a seasonal Bagel allowance built into the Old Age Pension. Anyway don't matter much now, Mossad intelligence reckon the old Sweaty has got wind of me standing and is running scared...maybe I should make myself more active...I could really change things.

I've got a bit of a free day today, no asassinations or chocolate deliveries planned so I think I'll take a trip down to my local Woolworths, haven't been in there for ages and my contacts tell me they're doing a buy one get one free deal on Uzi clips, sounds pretty tempting to me.

Shalom

Mood:  lazy

OK, now I guess seeing as this thing is broadcast to the world at large that there are some c*nts who will eventually read it. So it came as no big surprise to be accused of being anti-jewish after my sign off yesterday. For f*cks sake, just because I used the word gentiles doesn't mean I don't appreciate my Jewish following. Some of you sad bastards could really do with getting a life.

Anyway spent the day at ASDA's yesterday, and f*ck me you get a lower class of person there. Those council estate kids are real tough and the competion for the pound coins from the trolleys was pretty intense. I've got f*cking bruises and everything where the little c*nts kept lobbing bricks and shit at me. Lucky I was wearing my kevlar skull cap. Managed to make a fiver too so it wasn't a total write off, but I think I'll stick to Safeways in future.

Of course spending the day there meant I didn't get to Synagogue yesterday. Can't say I miss it to be honest. They pass the f*cking tray around and expect you to throw something in it. Ever since I got ripped off by sitting at the end of the row and not being able to change up a 2 pound coin, I've not been happy there. Plus Goldberg is getting really f*cking boring these days, I think I'll have to arrange a little accident for him, get a new more with it Rabbi. Before anyone asks, I'm not interested in the job. Would interfere with my Milk Tray deliveries and the Bagel Bake run. Even the odd free Bagel doesn't tempt me.

OK, talking of Bagels I've got some in the bag and am ready to roll. Also got a copy of yesterdays Chelsea v Fulham game to watch. Don't know the result yet either, seeing as I support both teams, I can't lose.

Shalom

Mood:  loud

OK you plebs, as promised a fresh update from the new safe house somewhere in the heart of Motspur Park.

First off I'd like to thank the lazy bastard customers of Safeway who can't be arsed to return their shopping trolleys. Your laziness is my reward. OK I've had to fight off a few scumbag kids for some of the trolleys, but that's when you can see my Mossad training kick in, They stood no chance.

Things at the hospital remain the same although reading some of the Internet message boards it seems there is a new threat which I have to be on the alert for. Seems some winos have got wise to the fact that the hand sanitiser contains alcohol and have started using the dispensers  on the wall like free optics. We haven't had them fitted in our place yet, we prefer good old MRSA in the building, and it seems winos ain't too keen on that.

Some of you have asked how my attempt at sorting out Gaza went. Actually not too well, turns out I'm not such a good head shot after a few drinks. Following the fat bastard around the pubs of Newcastle I had no choice but to blend in with the scenery until I got the perfect chance. A couple of Babychams later and I'm wobbling all over the place. Now that stuff has a kick on it let me tell you. I'm famous for winning Mossad drinking contests so that stuff must be good. Anyway probably worked out for the best, I think I was after the wrong Gaza. For some reason Mossad sent me tickets to the middle east not the North East...I'd better do some research on what they really want.

OK, I'm off to ASDA's, kids there are smaller so I'll get my mitts on even more trolleys I think. Tomorrow gentiles.

Shalom

Mood:  not sure

OK scumbags, I'm happy to report that I've earned enough shekels to arrange for Telstar to fly over my safe house this weekend and pick up a couple of dispatches to Tel Aviv. While I'm doing that, I'll bring you lot up to speed on what's been going on.

 So come back this weekend and I'll see what has been declassified and can reveal to you.

 Shalom

Mood:  incredulous

What is it with you c*nts? I tell you a slight lie and actually spend my weekend bombing nuclear power plants in remote parts of Syria, and when I get back what do I find? All you bastards are being really good at returning your shopping trolleys at Tescos so I'm not making any extra shekels to help Mossad pay for a new Internet connection.  As a result I've volunteered to go and sort out Gaza for the Israeli government. Why the f*ck the government have got a problem with him I have no idea, to me he's just a fat geordie bastard, but a job's a job and with such a slow moving target, a head shot is a piece of cake.

So once again, I'll be busy this weekend and you won't hear from me. The good news is that if I get Gaza sorted I'll earn enough dinaris to get my connection back again, and won't have to break into the head porters office and use his computer, and things can return to normal.

As for you w*nkers returning your trolleys back to the right place at Tesco...f*ck you...I'm off to Safeways when I get back...better class of shopper there and lazier too, probably be able to afford new bike clips after a night there.

 Shalom

Mood:  not sure

Ok, word has just reached me that Mossad haven't been paying the bills and after tonight I'll be scrambling around looking to hack into someone elses connection. So if you don't hear from me for a few days don't be alarmed, I'm not on special ops, I'm trying to round up a few shopping trolleys to get enough shekels to get the whole thing back again...if only I didn't have to pay for the f*cking petrol to put in the helicopter I'd be fine...and don't get me started on the cleaning bill for my black outfits.

Shalom

Mood:  crushed out

I'd almost forgotten that there was a match going on yesterday. Can't say I would have got too excited even if I had, I'm much more interested in how Chelsea/Fulham are getting on. Anyway, yesterday was a win win thing in a way, holding three nationalities (officially anyway) one of my teams was bound to win. Bit disappointed with the result though, but the Israeli team had put themselves at a bit of a disadvantage by wearing black eye patches in memory of Moshe Dayan's pet Tortoise who died this week. No wonder they couldn't find the goal. I haven't been to the new Wembley since it opened, I was banned from the old one after running on the pitch during the 1966 World Cup Final, and I'm not sure if the ban carries over to the new place. If Chelsea/Fulham get to a final this year I might give it a try.

Some of you have been asking where Benny has got to, and despite me using all my contacts, it seems he has disappeared off the face of the earth. I'm sure he'll resurface eventually when he's finished doing what he's doing, after all I need to give this page a new look.

Not going to be doing much today, I'll probably sort through my black outfits as I'll be able to start using them again soon, with the nights getting longer and all that. Probably try and get hold of my Milk Tray contact too, see how many boxes he has left over from the latest chocolate scare, he did call me the other week saying he had some cheap Beef going after the Foot and Mouth thing in Kent, but for some reason, the mention of anything to do with Kent brings me out in a cold sweat. No idea why, I think I'll go and see a Mossad shrink to get to the bottom of it. Don't trust those clowns at the hospital.

OK, well Sunday is Bagel day of course, and I've got a big brown bag of them just waiting for me to tear into them.

Shalom

Mood:  d'oh

Well nothing sensational going on. The hospital job continues to be pretty routine. I'm really having some thoughts about asking Mossad for a new assignment, especially since I got turned down for the NHS cycling squad. Sometimes an organisation just doesn't realise the talent it has at its disposal. Look at when I was working undercover on that railway somewhere in London. Mossad kept trying to get me promoted but even they couldn't swing it, ended up mixing with a lot of f*cking illegal African immigrants in their 'one size fits all' boots and overalls. At least I'm fluent in the dialects of at least 67 African tribes, so communication wasn't hard.

Nice to see that our stand in Rabbi from last year - Rabbi Bin Laden - is alive and kicking. I wondered what had happened to him, he did leave the Synagogue in a bit of a hurry when his spell came to an end. Looks like he's converted to a new religion too, now he wants everyone to become a f*cking muslim. I guess the hours work out better for him. He's big fan of Dulwich Hamlet, and  having to do the Syanagogue thing on a Saturday made it tricky for him to get to the games.

My new safe house is coming along nicely, and I've been busy putting stuff on the walls, you know the sort of thing, pictures of Yassar Arafat, signed autographs of Hollywood Actors, and some thank you letters from the widows of geezers I've taken out with a head shot. My own favourite though is a framed Moshe Dayan eye patch, which he gave me when I gave his car a push start on a rainy morning down Whitechapel High Street. I think he'd just been to see Ronnie and Reggie to try and negotiate my release from 'The Firm', he always viewed me as a highly prized asset, plus I could get cheap Bagels.

OK, Synagogue time, better slip on my Kosher bike clips and get pedalling, not using my special route until they clean it up a bit.

Shalom

Mood:  lazy

Tried out my new route to the Synagogue yesterday, a little disappointed as it seemed to be full of water and smelt like crap. I hope it's something the Mossad contractors can sort out quicky, there were a few complaints about the way I smelled, that's not good if you're trying to keep a low profile.

Anyway after Goldberg's lecture was over, I cycled over to B&Q to see if they had any of that black anti radar paint I was after. B&Q is not a place I enjoy visiting, it really hurts my professional pride to see the way the trolleys are scattered all over the car park, and I spend half an hour rounding them all up. Then when you finally get the f*cking retard behind the paint counter to finally help you and point out where the anti radar paint is, he looks at you as if you're f*cking clueless. Don't they train these f*cking muppets? Might as well have some f*cking illegal immigrant who can't speak English for all the help that c*nt gave me. Anyway I managed to get hold of a mate of mine in the US Air Force who reckons he can get hod of a couple of cans for me. He'll drop in his cockpit next time he flies over.

OK I'm going back to B&Q to sort out the trolleys again.

Shalom 

Mood:  not sure

Well I've blown them up and driven through the walls of them with my tank, but yesterday was a first for me. I sneaked in to a Mosque and got to see what all of the fuss was about. I thought the Synagogue was bad...the Mosque was a f*cking disgrace. What's the deal with having no chairs? If Goldberg gets wind of that he could save himself a fortune. All that praying and everything did my f*cking back in. I bet the bastards won't pay my quack's bill to have it sorted out. Still at least you can scramble about on nice carpeted floors, that was about the only thing I can say about the place that was any good, but all that chanting for Allah got on my nerves. I have plenty of their records but never got that excited about them. I was always quite partial to the blonde bird in them and my favourite song has to be Waterloo...I love songs about train stations.

Anyway it was off to my new safe house yesterday and that was a bit of a let down. Granted it has a proper bike rack, but the dozy c*nts hadn't taken my colour scheme into account. There wasn't a lick of black paint to be seen. You know what I blame? Ever since Mossad started letting these f*cking Poofs join up things have started to change. Now we have to have designed by Armani and Calvin Klein and that bunch of clowns. What was wrong with Avi Bloomenstein's made to measure stuff? Nothing that's what I say. The c*nts even put pink paint in my bog. Still the basement has been converted into a bomb proof radio room and there's even a slot in the garden shed for me to stick my trolley when I take time off from the hospital.

OK, time to try out the secret passageway to Goldberg's place.

Shalom

Mood:  happy

Well I sneaked off of work today as Mossad have finally told me that my new safe house is ready. I'm looking forward to it, I'll have somewhere safe to chain my bike, be close to the Synagogue, and be able to openly carry a bag of frsh Bagels down the road without getting funny looks from all those f*cking Arabs.

I've decided though that before I move on, I'm going to go and see what actually goes on in a Mosque. Never really bothered before, normally too busy trying to blow the f*ckers up, alongside those inside it. Don't know what time all the action kicks off, but I'll hang around outside until I spot the bastards turning up. I know though that my skull cap needs to be a white one, and I spent all last night and a fortune on Tippex making sure mine is dazzling. Should blend in lovely is my guess.

After that, well I'll pack my saddlebags and scurry off down to the new safe house and see what sort of job the Mossad guys have done with it. I hope they went with my suggested colour scheme of radar resistant black, we'll soon see.

 Shalom

Mood:  not sure

Didn't make it to the Synagogue yesterday. I'm beginning to lapse a bit and if I carry on like this I might be forced to quit Mossad and join some non Jewish intelligence agency instead.

Still I must be in Mossad's good books at the moment, as they sent me a nice pair of Bike clips which are made out of the same stuff they paint American Spy planes in. I think it's so I don't get caught on those f*cking speed cameras as I cycle away from my latest mission. Always thinking ahead those geezers in Tel Aviv, my cycling skills are famous, and with a good tail wind I can even give the fastest VW Beetle in the West a run for its money.

I'm a bit pissed off this morning as I've got to go back to the hospital tomorrow. I wasted my holiday to a large extent by hanging around with the hippies at Heathrow, and I didn't really gather much useful intelligence apart from the fact that I hate Folk music, and I'm glad I wash every day. I don't know what Mossad were hoping to gain from me being there. It's not as if there are spy planes landing there every day, we reserve that sort of thing for Fairoaks, which having seen the state of Heathrow I'm glad is my airport of choice.

I'm getting a bit desperate for a Bagel, and as soon as I finish filing my report I'm on the bike and down to Brick Lane. What is it about Arabs that they can't see the pleasures of the simple Bagel? There's not one decent Jewish bakery to be found in the part of the Edgware road I'm based in. That's a sad reflection of London these days, full of f*cking foreigners who have no loyalty to any particular country. Me...I never forget where I came from and am proud to be a Swiss/Israeli/Englishman.

Shalom 

Mood:  lazy

I was very unhappy with that bunch of unwashed layabouts last weeked. There I was hoping we'd be getting on a plane to somewhere nice and warm and what did those c*nts do? Go and stand outside the HQ of BAA instead. I did run around telling them that the Terminals were somewhere else but none of the bastards believed me, and some even got a bit stroppy. Soon put them right I can tell you, being a master in the dark arts of Israeli self defence techniques comes in useful sometimes.

So instead of having something interesting to tell you about my trip to somewhere special, I trooped off back to my new safe house and spent the week moping in there. I f*cking hate this place, it's almost like being on the West Bank with all the f*cking Arabs walking about. You'd never think I was in part of London. To top it all, I can't find a decent Bagel, and not even a Synagogue to waste some time in. It's not even anywhere near the f*cking hospital.

Still won't be long before my new bunker is ready and I'll have my own secret tunnel direct to Goldberg's flat. OK going to get the bike out and take a ride, I'll be practicing a few drive by head shots and believe me it ain't easy doing that and steering a bike at the same time. I was top of the class at the Mossad academy for that. That was always good, they'd line up a few Arabs they'd picked up for throwing stones at tanks, and you'd get a few shots at each...ahhhhhh happy days.

Shalom

Mood:  lazy

Well it's been a strange couple of weeks since I last had a chance to write. First off I'm no longer on Clapham Common, Mossad have got me somewhere properly built to stay undercover in. It's a nice little flat on the Edgware Road, and Mossad experts reckon I'll blend right in there. Mind you I haven't tracked down the Synagogue there, so I'll be cycling down to see Goldberg's ramblings. I don't mind really, I get to see lots of familiar faces and it's good to keep in touch with the Bus Driving window cleaner.

I spent this week camping out one last time though. Mossad wanted me to spend some time with the great unwashed, so I've been camping out with those filthy bunch of layabouts protesting about the Runway at Heathrow. Dozy bastards, I bet when they go on their protests to all those G8 summits they catch a plane. Anyway I don't think I made a good impression by turning up with all my kit and sliding down a rope from a Mossad chartered helicopter. After that nobody really wanted to talk to me, even when I offered to set up a MASH tent for the inevitable ruck with the Police which I've been trying to stir up. They kept going on about a peaceful protest but their f*cking folk music kept me up all night long...c*nts.

Anyway I'm not sure how much I've been able to achieve. We're all going on a walk in a minute so to the airport, I hope we're going somewhere nice, I've got my Mongolian passport with me just in case.

Shalom