Back to work
Mood:  chatty
Well back to the hospital this morning, see what sort of mess they've managed to get things in since I went away. In my absence they'd appointed a new director of trolley operations, I think it's a pretty well paid job. I didn't apply though, I've always preferred being down in the trenches with the real men.He had us all together this morning and he has got some ideas to take trolley pushing to new heights.
All trolleys are going to get barcodes and will regularly pass little scanners so we can keep track of where they are and have been. In addition some trolleys are going to be fitted with GPS systems so we can navigate around the hospital more efficiently. All this information is going to be entered into a database called TOMAS which stands for Trolley Operation Management And Security. It's only going to cost a few million and will be paid for by getting rid of a few doctors and nurses. Anyway who needs them when I'm around.
The lads have been pestering me for a few souvenirs from my little trip, but seeing as they thought I went to Benidorm that's not surprising. How do I tell them that stuffed donkeys are in short supply in North Korea.
Anyway, need to go, got to pick up my black outfit from the dry cleaners, more later.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
Well I made it back to Fairoaks airport in one piece after a pleasant weekend spent shunting with my old mate in North Korea. I must say airport security is pretty different these days, I much preferred it when there was a chance I could take a head shot at some terrorist, all these new measures have taken the fun out of it if you ask me.
I've been sworn to secrecy about the full details of my trip lest some slanty eyed git plant something in my kosher chinese take away,but it was an eye opener I can tell you. It was also interesting to visit one of their hospitals, now you might have thought the stories about them being backward were exaggerated. Well if their hospital trolley technology is a prime example of what they have achieved, well suffice to say they're no threat to anybody.
I see that serbian bloke I captured a few years back shuffled off this mortal coil. I knew it would happen eventually, especially after he turned down my offer to be his bodyguard. Anyway, just a quick update for now, got some duty free fags to smoke, plus I've got a bit of jet lag despite flying at mach 3.
Later

A NOTE FROM THE BLOG EDITOR
As I'm sure you realise, North Korea is a closed society, and our mystery man has been told he cannot take his satellite phone. This means updates to the blog are unlikely until he returns.
He is due to land at Fairoaks airport on Tuesday evening, and time permitting will make an entry then. Failing that look out for a new post on March 15th.
Until he returns, please feel free to leave a few comments, which I'm sure mystery man will take great pleasure in replying to.

Trolley dash
Well there I was yesterday chatting happily away to some old guy in a bed when I noticed something strange. Throughout the three hours I'd been talking he hadn't made any responses at all, I normally get at least a yawn. turns out he was bloody dead! My mates had put a stiff in the bed to see how long it would take me to notice. Ain't they funny?
Well I'm planning a little break this weekend. Turns out I'm not going hunting with Dick Cheney of America. I'm boarding a private flight to North Korea, and I'm actually doing a weekends shunting with North Korean intelligence chief Dik Chay Nee. benny Slibowitz really needs to get his hearing aid checked. It's those bloody Pound shop batteries.
It's going to be nice to get away from pushing trollies around all day, but you meet some characters down the hospital. That window cleaning bloke isn't one of them though. I don't know where he's gone, the bed was empty this morning but he left behind a dirty chamois. I'm gonna keep it, you never know when you need to clean your windows. I might even send it to the lab and get some DNA samples off it. His face still bothers me.
Okay, gotta polish the train keys, shine up me hi-vi and make me way to Fairoaks airport. Now there's a place that brings back memories, I'll tell you about it one day.
Later

It's good to talk
Mood:  chatty
Well managed to get away with nicking some free electricity to charge up me satellite phone. The street light was a little dim overnight, but I don't mind that. Nobody fell over the cable either so I don't think I'll get caught.
Got in this morning and there was chaos. A trolley had overturned in the entrance hallway leaving a gap too narrow for wheelchairs to pass. With my railway marshalling experience I soon sorted it out though. Amazing what I've learned over the years. It turns out that the trolley was moving someone with a tennis racket sticking out of their backside, and the racket caught on something overturning the trolley and the geezer. It's been a week where I think I recognise people but am not so sure. This bloke kept going on about Arnold and going woof woof. I think I met him at a party once. They must have been taking him to the psycho ward.
I'm told that there are people actually reading this thing. I can't say I'm surprised, wait until I really get going, then you'll read some fun stuff, tell all your mates.
Anyway, the microwave's just gone ding, my salt beef bagel must be ready. I have then specially flown in from Brick Lane, along with the parts for the fastest VW this side of Wembley.
More later

Keep on wheeling
Delicious Salt Beef Bagel, one of the best I've had for some time. This has been a good day for me as the hospital have been trying out a new scheme whereby for one day a week, selected members of staff are allowed to go and chat with patients who don't get many visitors. I volunteered for this and it's great to share some of my stories with those lonely people. The only drawback is that I never seem to get the same patient twice. I am obviously a success although some wag reckons that after a couple of hours with me they top 'emselves.
The mystery window cleaner is still here. I don't know what's wrong with him as I've not been able to talk to him since he arrived. Still once he's up and about maybe he can help out a bit and clean the windows on the ward, they're looking a bit shabby. I think I'll go and talk to the boss of the cleaners here - known as JJ - and see if one of his latest planeload of illegals might do some work.
Ok, time stops for no man, I've spotted a willing listener, now let's see which story do I start with first...

Conned!
Mood:  chatty
Well I cut short my phone call for nothing yesterday. Turns out the geezer who claimed he was in the SAS, used to work for some swedish airline out of Heathrow! There I was all ready to give him full blast with my exploits. Not many films been made about baggage handlers have there.
Skied to work today, I know it ain't been snowing but that just adds to the fun. I did get some odd looks from passers by, but I reckon they were just jealous that can't ski properly. I know they've been over for a while, but I need to say I was disappointed with the Israeli team's performance in the Winter Olympics. Things have really slipped since I won triple platinum in Tel Aviv in 1969.
That window cleaning bloke is still in the ward I pass by everyday, I think they made a mistake on his chart because everyone refers to him as the typing error. Digging through my copies of the West Bank Sun, I discovered he was the winner of the George Formby best kept Chamois award in 2005. Maybe that's why he is familiar.
Okay, batteries dying on my phone, better get off and find a lamp post to plug the charger into. Later all

Another day, another trolley
Mood:  chatty
Missed out yesterday, some sod had locked all the phones in the department so I couldn't call out. I had a dig around at home, found an old satellite phone underneath all my black gear, should be alright now. Luckily I know how to tap into my former employers account to make calls.
Not much going on really, been going through the files about this Dick Cheney geezer. Sounds like a tough nut to me, then again all those arabs kept telling me they were tough nuts in '67. Soon proved them wrong, and don't get me started about Ronnie and Reggie. That window cleaning bloke is really bothering me, I know I've seen that facial hair somewhere, just can't put my finger on it. There's lots of good things about my job that I want to tell you about, but I ain't got time now. One of the other guys here is spouting on about how he was in the SAS, and that's a challenge I can't refuse. More later

Another day
Mood:  chatty
Got talked into this, somebody reckons I've had such an all action life I should get it all down on the internet for everyone to see. Also there are a lot of people who want to know what I'm up to since my last mission ended. I know nothing about computers, so a good mate of mine overseas has volunteered to put my thoughts down in writing. It's gonna cost me a fortune in phone calls. So let's see, where do I start. Well it was a rough day down at the hospital today, first of all the window cleaner fell off of his ladder, for some reason he had a fax machine in his bucket. Then as I was pushing him to the operating theatre to perform the necessary surgery, the wheel fell off my trolley. I laughed so much I almost smiled. Benny Slibowitz from the secret agent club down in Tooting gave me a call, apparently he wants me to go out hunting with some guy called Dick Cheney. Never heard of him, although somebody reckons he's someone important down in America, although I'm not sure what part of London that's in, and in my life I've travelled around I can tell you. Anyway enough for now, before someone works out I've dialled abroad on a hospital phone.

More ramblings
Mood:  chatty
Gotta make this quick, sneaked into an office to make a call. That bloke who fell off the ladder and had the fax machine claimed the machine was his good luck charm, just like a rabbit's foot. I thought I recognised him but I can't be sure. I cycled to work today, good training for this years tour of Cricklewood. I won King of the Mountains in it last year, and I can tell you the Wheelchair ramp at IKEA is hell to get up. I found out who Dick Cheney is. He's a keen marksman by all accounts, well he's never come up against the Israeli Army's marksman of the year in 1968. I'll show him how to shoot properly. Ok got to go, I parked my trolley on a double yellow and I don't want to get clamped. More later.