April Fool
Little scare yesterday when everything went missing from here. I believe that anti-mossad forces were at work and don't want me spreading the good word. Of course it could have been fans of that crappy movie, although for the life of me I don't know why anyone would like it.
No doubt you're all expecting me to tell some sort of wild made up story to mark April 1st. Problem is my antics have been so wild and varied that you lot probably think I'm making them up anyway, so you wouldn't be able to tell fact from fiction.
I'm gonna take it easy today, one of my mates has lent me a box DVD set of 'Little House On The Prarie' and I intend to watch the lot while cleaning my gun collection. That Percy Ingles was some character.
Benny cancelled our little jaunt to France, the engine fell out of his Trabant so he needs to go the Woolworths and buy some tape to strap it back in. Hopefully next week we'll cause some mayhem to those bloody Frogs. They deserve everything that comes to them, if it wasn't for the Yanks, Us Brits, the Israelis, and the Swiss the world would have been taken over by the arabs years ago.
Okay the theme music is starting up, must go.
Shalom

What's happened
It's all gone blank, where's everything gone?

Film Critic
Mood:  irritated
Well I checked out the Mossad movie on Ebay, and to say I'm disgusted is an understatement. It's a f*****g love story, what a load of b******s. How dare the film makers turn the most elite intelligence service in the world into something like 'Pride and f*****g Prejudice'. I'm almost tempted to get on the hotline to Tel Aviv, except I still can't find the phone after that window cleaner's visit. Time to break out the black car and spend hours hanging around a certain studios office in London. That'll scare 'em.
Benny and I are still planning to load up the Trabant at the weekend, but Benny has pointed out one flaw with my travel arrangements. While I'll have no problem riding the train on the way to France, on the way back I'll be competing with a load of f*****g asylum seekers for a prime slot under the carriages. He has a point, maybe I should break out the mini-sub for the weekend. I'll check out some of the other things I got out of the stores before I left my last job. Must be something useful among that lot.
Work still sees me pounding the corridors, and to be honest I'm beginning to feel under utilised. With my background in security and covert operations I should be doing more. Security here is a joke, some f*****g Nigerian in a bright coat and a pair of overalls at the door. he seems to disappear for a couple of hours a night as well. As for his footwear, maybe he got them down the charity shop. F*****g Wellington boots, I ask you. He also seems to have a lot of visitors and mentions something about C cleans. More code I think.
Ok, time to work out which passport I'm gonna carry this weekend, I have a small pile of them of different nationalities, Swiss, British, Israeli, Nigerian, you name it I've got it.
Shalom

When I'm cleaning windows
Mood:  chatty
Got home late last night so couldn't tell how clean my windows were. Got up this morning and I can still see through them so he must have done something. My fancy speakerphone with the hotline to Mossad is missing though, I must have moved it without thinking.
Somebody told me that they'd made a movie about Mossad and they'd seen it for sale on ebay. While I am disappointed that I wasn't consulted, I'll check it out anyway, there is bound to be something which I was involved in during the course of the movie. I really should get some legal advice, I could be missing out on a lot of shekels.
So the weekend is nearly upon us, and Benny wants to take the Trabant to France for a booze and fags cruise. I'm game although I've told him not to worry about booking me a spot on the train. I'll ride underneath the carriages clinging onto the axles in good secret agent fashion. Well you have to keep in training.
Bad news about the Tour of Cricklewood. It has been postponed as the owners of the IKEA car park are not too pleased with the publicity they got in the local papers this week. For some reason they find it quite disturbing to have someone carrying a gun around the car park taking aim at customers. As a result we can't use their wheelchair ramp for the King Of The Mountains stage. The new Wembley Stadium was considered as an alternative, but we all know what a cock up that's become.
Israeli election results are in, the whole thing has made me consider a career in politics, but I'll have to set up my own party as I don't like any of the others. Just got to think of a name for it. If anyone has any ideas I'd like to hear them.
Anyway, doing the midnight shift at work tonight so I've got to go and shine up my hi-visibility gear, until tomorrow

Shalom

I wanna be elected
Mood:  chatty
Stayed up late last night to see if I could work out who had won the Israeli election. I considered standing as a candidate myself, but I couldn't get the time of work to do any campaigning. I'm saving up my sick leave for another time, well you never know when the call will come through to take part in the Tour De France.
That window cleaning guy is coming round today to do my windows, for some reason he keeps asking me about fax machines,I think he may be mentally ill or something. That blow on the head he took when he fell off the ladder may have something to do with it. Hope he does a good job, I won't know until I get home.
Anyway need to get off here for a while, today is rubbish day at the hospital and it's my turn to wheel out the bins. We have these big green things, and maybe my ears deceive me but I'm sure I hear a squawking sound coming from one of them, it sounds like someone is saying wet and wild. Thinking about it maybe it's some sort of code, better get out my 'Whizzer and Chips' code book and have a look.
Shalom

Going for gold
Mood:  chatty
Well yesterday turned out busier than I thought. The photo shoot was for Trolley Pusher Monthly and if you're a subscriber you may well see pictures of me in the next edition pushing the latest state of the art trolley down a corridor. Of course it will only be a picture of my back, I warned them that my identity has to be concealed, you never know if that Osram Bin Liner bloke reads the mag.
The new trolley was a dream to push, but we won't be getting any here soon, the trial model was loaded back onto a truck at the end of the shoot. We can't afford them here.
Listening to the radio this morning I see some ultra jewish Rabbi has taken to giving his sermons to a Reggae beat, must be based in Brixton.
Got a letter from the organisers of the Tour of Cricklewood this morning. They are going to take the sniper aspect out of this years event, but they also expressed their disappointment at me for wearing the tour's yellow jersey when doing my training. Driving to work this morning it struck me as to how many previous winners of the tour there must have been, take a look at any building site and you'll see loads of them. Maybe they've all won different races.
Ok, battery is running low, I'll post more tomorrow.
Shalom

Freewheeling
Mood:  loud
Just a quickie as today looks like it's going to be busy. Benny tells me he hopes to have my new website up and running within the next two weeks or so. I hope he's bought a big chunk of the internet because my tales will take up a lot of space.
Finally tracked down the window cleaning guy, and he is more familiar than I realised. We used to sit on the same pew at the synagogue, but at the time he had other interests besides fax machines. Anyway he's going to give me a good rate to clean my windows, although I didn't tell him they were bulletproof.
Anyway got to go, my trolley is being used in a photo shoot and hopefully I'll get in the shots.
More later with any sort of luck.
Shalom

Arrested Development
Mood:  chatty
Well, yesterday was pretty eventful, and I ended up getting warned by the Police. There I was cycling around the IKEA car park practicing for the Tour Of Cricklewood with my Heckler and Koch slung over my shoulder. It wasn't loaded, and I took a few false aims at people. Turns out someone took exception to it and called the Old Bill. It wasn't as if I was doing it secretly, I was wearing a Hi-Vi with Security written on the back. Anyway the Police showed up, and they were going to arrest me, but a special handshake and a certain ID card got me off. I've got to do my practicing elsewhere. I'm gonna get in touch with the organisers as I'm pretty sure others must be having this problem.
What am I up to today? Well I thought I'd take it easy and catch up with some reading, intelligence reports and the like, also my latest copy of Trolley Pusher Monthly is here, might be some interesting articles in it I'll let you know.
Shalom

Shoot to kill
Mood:  chatty
Ok, Mossad lovers, just a quickie today as I'm off down to the park to perch in a tree and try out my sniping skills.
Briefly popped into the hospital today but the Barcode trial got cancelled. Apparently a busload of Newcastle fans found their way into the building and confused the hell out of the system.
The Tour of Cricklewood is looming large and this year an extra element has been added which is why I've gotta try out my rifle. We now have to take out three people with a headshot while on the move. There will be bonus points if you hit certain people. I'm looking forward to it.
Ok, time to don my bushy looking outfit.
Shalom

Friday
Mood:  loud
So it's finally the end of the week, at least for most of the lazy so and so's who read this. I will be busy pushing trollies around though, we're testing out the new barcoding thing this weekend.
I have been asked who are the Ronnie and Reggie I refer to from time to time. Well my answer is how many Ronnie and Reggie's have you heard of? To give you a clue my memories are of a smokey East London Billiard hall, pubs, protection rackets etc. One particular incident stands out when Ronnie and me went to some pub in Whitechapel, I'll leave that to Benny to detail on the forthcoming website. Also how do you think I got me tickets to the 1966 World Cup Final? Ronnie knew a guy who had a few spares, Bobby Moore I think his name was.
Got some more videos of my exploits to watch, it really is a pain that Hollywood have gone to such trouble to make movies of my life without consulting me. I've already mentioned Who Dares Wins, but there are others such as The Great Escape, Raid On Entebbe, and The Longest Day which is supposedly about D-Day but is really based on my single handed invasion of Egypt when I crossed the Nile on a LiLo. I'm sure Benny will mention that too.
Ok, got to clean my sniper's kit.
Shalom

Lies, Lies, Lies
Mood:  chatty
Enjoyed Who Dares Wins, ended up watching it about five times so a late night last night. As I said yesterday some of the best action movies are based on my exploits, although for the sake of protecting my identity lots of details - such as location, time, actual event - are changed.
When I got up this morning there was a programme on about the Walt Disney World monorail. I remember when I gave Walt the idea for it. I told him why spend money on two tracks when you can get away with just one. Canny people us Jews eh? He put me in charge of the project, so next time you go to Orlando, remember it was my idea. Walt did turn down a couple of my ideas though, egged on by my mates Ronnie and Reggie, I tried to convince Walt that Main Street USA would be more realistic if we could organise a protection racket down there. For some reason he didn't like that idea.
I think I spotted that window cleaning bloke again today in out patients. He didn't have his fax machine with him. He obviously decided that it probably wasn't so lucky after all. I've managed to sweet talk one of the girls in records to give me his details. Well with everything else I've got going on I don't have time to clean my windows.
Shalom

Three Wheels on my Trolley
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Who Dares Wins
Quiet day today, did some training for the upcoming Tour of Cricklewood and have also been digging through my treasure trove of memories...is that really me sitting there with Ronnie and Reggie? They were good times.
The trolley department at the hospital is still being restructured and I'm thinking about becoming a team leader (Trolley). I have vast leadership experience for that role, particularly when I won the Six Day War single handedly but they'll be more of that on Benny's new webpage, once the lazy git actually gets around to doing it.
Duty free fag supply is running low, I'll need to have a word with Benson and Hedges down the synagogue, I think they have a stash underneath the Rabbi's altar.
Ok, more later, got a video to watch now - Who Dares Wins - which I believe is loosely based on my exploits. I really need to get a good lawyer on the case, as this isn't the only example...Cockleshell Heroes, Raid on Entebbe, Munich just to name a few.
Shalom

Laptop Loving
Mood:  irritated
Slowly getting used to typing my own stuff, but at the speed I type, it's taking me all day to write these entries. Oh to be able to write this in code, just like those things I used to write in the past when I was in a shell hole in Korea. Maybe my mate Bill Gates will stump up for a few typing lessons.
Hospital life is downright boring compared to my all action past. You wheel one body down a corridor, you've wheeled hundreds. There is no scope for dealing with terrorists, mixing with gangsters and general hobnobbing with the great and good like I used to. Now I've got some smelly old bat to push around who wants to talk to me about her cat Tiddles, what the f*** do I care! So you may ask yourself, how did a super all action hero like me, end up in a place like this? I'll come to all that in time, but to learn that you'll need to read about my past. To this end, Benny Slibowitz is putting together a few pages detailing my life's story which he plans to post on a website in the next couple of weeks. Once it's up and running I'll let you know here.
I've also been asked if I can respond to questions which you may have, so there is now an e-mail address you can write to, it's mossadhq@hotmail.co.uk.If the information isn't classified, I'll share it with you.
Ok, my fingers are getting sore, this is bloody hard work, maybe I should let someone else do the typing.
Shalom

Technophobe
Mood:  chatty
Sorry for the lack of update yesterday, I managed to get myself a cheap computer at the Mossad surplus sale, so I've now decided to try and do this myself, even more so since I think my previous writer was prone to a bit of exaggeration.
Had problems at first, the computer said it was wireless, so imagine my surprise when nothing happened when I turned it on. Benny pointed out I should plug the power lead into a plug. So I've been conned by another ridiculous claim, how can it be wireless when you have to plug it in?
Benny - who is a bit of a whizz with computers - showed me how to update this thing myself. It's great, now I can tell you about my times with the Kray twins, World Cup 1966, etc without having to worry about some git putting in details just to dress up the thing. What you read is what happened.
So what else is new. Went to the Fulham-Chelsea match as the personal guest of that bloke who runs Harrods. He has been very nice to me ever since I taught one of his drivers some defensive driving skills. Shame he got into an argument with a wall in Paris. Now if I'd taught him advanced defensive driving, he would have been able to get away with a drink or two before setting out. Match was crap to tell the truth, but seeing as I support both sides I was always on a winner.
Another new thing at work, seeing as the trolleys are getting barcodes, the new boss has decided we should get them as well so our movements can be checked too. Seems a bit much to me, don't know why they can't use tattooed numbers like in the past. Still as he pointed out, this way we won't have to have an ID card dangling on our chest so it's not all bad.
Ok, my computer is making a funny noise, better get on to Benny and let him take a look.
Shalom

Supermarket Sweep
Mood:  chatty
Just a quick update. The fastest VW in the west was finally collected this morning. the much promised air filter arrived by the back of a van rather than the much promised cruise missle. Apparently the yanks sent it to an address in Baghdad by mistake.
Benny and I are off down the synagogue in a minute, we're not good jews but somebody says they've got a Mossad surplus sale going on, and I can't miss out on that.
Not much else to say, might go to see Fulham/Chelsea later on if I can find one of my film star mates to get me into the ground for free. Not sure if Sophia Loren or Kirk Douglas are in town. Time to get out my famous book of numbers and ring around.
Anyway Benny's just parked his Trabant outside so it's time to go. I'll see if I can get an update later.
Shalom

Bloody St Patrick's day
Mood:  chatty
Top O' The Morning to ya. Blimey am I sick of hearing that today. Why does everybody think they're bloody Irish or something today? Lots of people wearing green and wearing watercress on their lapels. One of the more intelligent guys at work says it's something to do with St Patrick's day. Who the bloody hell was he? Well I'll get my own back you'll see, wait until it's St Moshe's day, I'll make 'em all wear an eye patch for the day and go around saying shalom. We'll see how they like it.
The new boss here has shown us a new organisation chart. Apparently we are to become part of a new department called the Directorate of Movement Management Services or DMMS. They're are going to split us up into two grades, Trolley Mover (TM) and Advance Trolley Mover (ATM) for those who do the operating theatre run. The supervisor has a new job title Duty Trolley Manager (DTM). For some reason those abbreviations are familiar. My old brain must be slowing down, maybe all that top secret stuff and memories are clogging up my memory.
Not many plans for the weekend at the moment, but in my line of work you never know when you'll get the call either to push a trolley or carry out some sort of political assassination or just enforce a protection racket. Mind you I might strike it lucky in the raffle and win the latest Englebert Humperdinck album, "Songs to avoid paying rent by"
Anyway, if the battery in my phone holds out, I'll add more later

Off your trolley
Mood:  chatty
Well is it really Thursday already, time flies by when you're pushing these trolley things about.
That window cleaning guy from the other week is still bothering me. Someone said he was trying to steal a fax machine, it wasn't his lucky charm like he claimed. All I know is that claiming to be a window cleaner is the oldest trick in the Mossad housebreaking book, and that guy was no Mossad man let me tell you.
Took the fastest VW in the west for a service today, apparently they need a special oil filter and they have arranged for the US Air Force to drop one in on a cruise missle. Of course they're not totally daft, the missle will have no detonator.
The editor of this blog has asked me if I'd mind recalling some of my old stories as part of the blog. I thought my life was interesting enough without me having to dress things up. He also told me that there appears to be some interest as we are getting a number of page views per day. We'll be selling tee shirts next.
Anyway more later, I've got to look out for that cruise missle.

Dry cleaners
Mood:  chatty
Went and picked up my black outfit from the local dry cleaners. The gits had managed to damage it somehow, and the Mossad logo has fallen off the chest. Looks like they'll be some arguing about it now, but I've always the option of calling up a hit squad to deal with them should things get rough. My contacts with the old Kray organisation will come in useful.
Spent most of the day discussing this barcoding thing with the lads. Some of them think it's a big brother is watching you sort of thing. Once they've done it, I'm planning to take one down Tesco's and see how much a trolley costs. Knowing the NHS they wouldn't have bought a value item.
Gotta take the fastest VW in the West for a service tomorrow. Auschwitz Autos in Wimbledon always do a good job, and their customer service is fantastic, they always ask if you want a shower. How thoughtful.
Ok enough for now, gonna watch my video of "Cockleshell Heroes", yet another movie that brings back fond memories.
Til tomorrow

Back to work
Mood:  chatty
Well back to the hospital this morning, see what sort of mess they've managed to get things in since I went away. In my absence they'd appointed a new director of trolley operations, I think it's a pretty well paid job. I didn't apply though, I've always preferred being down in the trenches with the real men.He had us all together this morning and he has got some ideas to take trolley pushing to new heights.
All trolleys are going to get barcodes and will regularly pass little scanners so we can keep track of where they are and have been. In addition some trolleys are going to be fitted with GPS systems so we can navigate around the hospital more efficiently. All this information is going to be entered into a database called TOMAS which stands for Trolley Operation Management And Security. It's only going to cost a few million and will be paid for by getting rid of a few doctors and nurses. Anyway who needs them when I'm around.
The lads have been pestering me for a few souvenirs from my little trip, but seeing as they thought I went to Benidorm that's not surprising. How do I tell them that stuffed donkeys are in short supply in North Korea.
Anyway, need to go, got to pick up my black outfit from the dry cleaners, more later.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
Well I made it back to Fairoaks airport in one piece after a pleasant weekend spent shunting with my old mate in North Korea. I must say airport security is pretty different these days, I much preferred it when there was a chance I could take a head shot at some terrorist, all these new measures have taken the fun out of it if you ask me.
I've been sworn to secrecy about the full details of my trip lest some slanty eyed git plant something in my kosher chinese take away,but it was an eye opener I can tell you. It was also interesting to visit one of their hospitals, now you might have thought the stories about them being backward were exaggerated. Well if their hospital trolley technology is a prime example of what they have achieved, well suffice to say they're no threat to anybody.
I see that serbian bloke I captured a few years back shuffled off this mortal coil. I knew it would happen eventually, especially after he turned down my offer to be his bodyguard. Anyway, just a quick update for now, got some duty free fags to smoke, plus I've got a bit of jet lag despite flying at mach 3.
Later