Good Friday
Mood:  loud
Well for most of you lazy gits, this is a day you can put your feet up, and dream of those DIY projects that the missus wants you to do, but you have no intention of doing. Not the same for me. I'm a like a cat waiting to pounce, not only am I on call for the hospital, but I'm sitting by the Mossad hotline in case Tel Aviv should call. When you're in my line of work you just can't relax for a second.
What's with all the religious crap on TV today, is it some sort special occasion. Anybody would think it was Christmas as I saw the Queen giving away money on the news last night. About time she started to spread it around a bit. She does discriminate though, looks like you have to be old and decrepit plus go to church to qualify for a hand out. What about us old Jews? I don't see her popping down the synagogue to dish out the cash. I would write to my MP, but I don't know who he is.
I've decided that because I'm high alert, as always, I can't drift too far away from the phone. So I stocked up on Bagels, and some videos for this weekend. I'm working on the lawsuit I'm going to bring against the major Hollywood studios for telling my life story without asking me. I've told you about this before, and it seems I can't flit around my Sky Digibox without seeing one of my stories on it. Last night I come across "The Long Good Friday", which while it doesn't mention Ronnie, Reggie and me by name, and the events are nothing like what we got up to, still the inference was there.
Big easter Egg hunt tomorrow at the hospital, and I'm providing security, it's pretty convenient as I'll be doing the synagogue gig first. I guess if Tel Aviv call during that time they'll have to leave a message.
Shalom

Passover
Mood:  chatty
Well people, sorry about a slightly later update today, but for all you uneducated idiots out there it's the first day of Passover so I had to nip down the Bagel bake and get my supplies in before they get all religious and close.
You know I can't keep up with all these holidays us jews can have. There's this one, Hannukah, and of course the most famous one of all, Moshe Dyan appreciation day. I'm sure I've missed one somewhere, and that it's tied in with some sort of event back in the sixties, have to check my diary and see if I can work it out.
I did pop by and see how Rabbi Goldberg was getting on, and it looks like he's been hitting the can of Stella that Benny had to give him. He kept rambling on about how the collection plate never has any money in it, and how he keeps having this vision of someone in black crashing through the window of the Synagogue with an Uzi blazing. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he'd caught me in the middle of one of my training exercises, although I should stress the Uzi did have blanks in it.
Apparently it's also a bit of a shindig for the Church of England this weekend, and lots of you will be celebrating by going to worship at B&Q and Wickes. Me, well I'll be setting up an Easter Egg hunt at the hospital. I come across this old box of Hand Grenades which I've painted nice colours with pictures of rabbits on them. I don't think we'll have any problems as the grenades are meant to be duds. We'll try them out in the psycho ward first just in case.
Talking of the Psycho ward our Banana phobic friend has been dressed up as the Easter Bunny and has been set loose on the wards like Rolf Harris at Christmas. I think everyone is a little wary of him though, and some of the wards made it very clear he wasn't welcome by hanging a bunch of Bananas in the doorway. His babblings are a little strange, and the word pussy seems to come up a lot. Better keep him clear of the kiddies ward, don't want any misunderstandings.
Ok, time for the first Bagel of Passover.
Shalom

Crisis...what Crisis?
Mood:  loud
I've been sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring, surely with Sharon out of the way some sort of crisis in Israel should be about to flare up, requiring me to take some sick leave and jet out to save the world?
Instead I'm on some crappy course - Advanced Trolley Management - which has been set up by the Health and Safety people. Apparently there have been reports of trolleys blocking fire exits and narrowing corridors so we have to be told how to park them. With my background this is all second nature of course, when you have been responsible for parking the trains on a major mass transport network you know you could run the course.
It's not all about where to park your trolley. Some of the lads have been accidently running over peoples' feet so we are also being taught how to push them in a straight line and steering techniques. Once again I find this obvious, and as designated defensive driving instructor for Mossad I can do a handbrake turn with a hospital trolley.
The great bar code experiment is on hold, following the incident with the Newcastle fans, they tried it again. In one area they found the computer had logged 3 prepared Caesar salads and a tin of beans. It was picking up on the nurses bringing their stuff back from Tesco's!
Anyway I could ramble on but I've got to go and do my practical exercise and negotiate my trolley round some traffic cones in the car park.
Shalom

A day off
Mood:  lazy
Well after a few hectic weeks I felt like taking a sickie, so today I'm lazing about doing nothing, which some will say is nothing new.
Picked up my nice new black outfit yesterday to replace the one that was ruined at the cleaners a few weeks back. The tailor tells me it's made to measure but I had to ask him why there was a tick shaped symbol on the chest. He told me it was his trademark. Well I have to say he must have been really busy as I see it everywhere. Good to see I'm in with the "in" crowd at the moment.
So what else am I doing today. Well I'm recharging the batteries in my night vision goggles, and just making sure my kit is ready should I get the call. Now the Tour of Cricklewood isn't going to happen this year, my training regime has sort of suffered. The bike is currently gathering dust next to the fastest VW in the west.
One of the other reasons I'm taking the day off is that I'm expecting a job lot of Milk Tray that they couldn't sell on Mother's Day to arrive. Which reminds me, I need to get some of those cards made up to leave lying around. Also some geezer from Pepsi Max called so all in all it could be a busy day rather than a quiet one, we shall see.
Benny called last night, tells me that Rabbi Goldberg has heard he managed to sneak a six pack of Stella back into the country and wants the syanagogue's share. These bloody religious freaks miss nothing do they. I told him that as he has been rumbled he has no choice but to send him a tin. Apparently the Rabbi was very pleased about our dealings with the couple of Iraqui's though.
So looks like another Israeli PM has bit the dust. Ever since the Rabin incident they've struggled to get a decent one. I remember the Rabin incident well, must get onto Benny and get that one down on tape.
Shalom

Take 'em out
Mood:  chatty
Looks like the froggies didn't take my advice after all. Typical of the lily livered bastards. I told 'em all they had to do was take out a few of the long haired layabouts and they would be ok. Look at how us Israelis handle the bloody Arabs, don't see them parading around on strike do you.
Extremely disappointed with 'Highway To Heaven' which wasn't about Israeli secret service agents taking out suicide bombers with headshots, but rather about some goody two shoes doing good deeds all over the place. Bloody liberals, it's the likes of them who cause all our problems. I've added the star of the show - some geezer called Michael Landon - to my hit list. I think he could do with a lesson in real life.
Bananaman as we've called him, is pulling in the crowds, they're more people lining up to see him than there is in the casualty department on a Saturday night. He did escape over the weekend, but someone trapped him in the corridor with a bunch of Bananas and forced him back to the psycho ward. There should be a video about somewhere.
Spoke to Benny last night and he reckons he might be a bit too busy this week to knock out some new tales but he will try. Apparently he's going to be too busy making crosses or something. Someone tells me it's a bit of a big week for the old Jesus jockeys, and it's one of Benny's big money making times of the year.
Ok, just got a call, my new made to measure black outfit is ready, later people.
Shalom

Didn't we have a loverly time the day we went to Calais
Mood:  lazy
Well back from my little trip to France. Ok I told you it was a booze cruise, but really I was helping the French Government try and solve their problems with those lazy workshy students of theirs. I advised them to use plenty of teargas, a few baton charges and if they really wanted to get the message home a few rounds from an Uzi wouldn't go amiss.
Anyway it didn't all go to plan, I got stopped trying to get behind the controls of the train, only my highly secretive ID card with the Star of David on it stopped me being nicked. I ended up with Benny and his Trabant with all the other members of the great unwashed.
Got to the hypermarket at Calais for my top secret rendezvous with some guys from the French Intelligence service - Force Regionalle Operation Grande or FROG - whilst stocking up on booze we discussed lots of things which I can't go into here. After 10 minutes we were done and I could go wild in the aisles as Dale Winton used to say. Found a very nice line in black gear which being french is much trendier than the normal stuff - Mossad by Calvin Klein, can you believe that?
Unadventurous journey back apart from a knocking noise underneath the car which we later discovered to be a couple of Iraquis trying to sneak into Britain, a couple of Mossad death grips dealt with them.
So did we get what we wanted? Well I'm ok for fags for a couple of weeks, and Benny managed to get a six pack of Stella on the back seat so it was well worth it.
Back to work tomorrow, I can't wait. In the meantime I'm gonna relax and watch those 'Highway to Heaven' DVD's I borrowed. Looking forward to seeing some mad muslims go to meet their maker.
Shalom

Time flies by when you're the driver of a train
Mood:  loud
Just a quickie today as it's booze cruise day and me a Benny have an early start. I of course have a train to drive so I laid off the booze last night, wouldn't want to fall foul of any D&A regulations would I. That caused me a few problems at my last job.
Benny has taken the seats out of his Trabant so we should be able to cram in more than 400 fags, he has also put premium unleaded in the tank for a change, hopefully we'll get more than 30 miles per hour out of it. We'll also be stocking up on some cheap Kosher stuff at the Hypermarket, we'll see.
The hospital actually wanted me to work today, the Banana phobic guy is becoming quite an attraction and they're opening up a special public gallery and they needed a security consultant. I popped in on him before I left yesterday, he was going on about becoming a butterfly, he really is priceless, pity they're going to cart him off to Broadmoor or something.
Had a quick look at Benny's latest addition - The Raid On Entebbe - and it did bring back memories. I remember sitting in that back seat of the Merc. I also remember how disappointed I was about the Peanuts.
Anyway Benny's just pulled up outside, later dudes.
Shalom

Benny's still busy
Mood:  chatty
So yesterday was a little slow. Things at the hospital are settling into a routine, whilst it's nice I get lots of people to talk to during the course of the day, I'm not really given time to get to tell them everything I want.Unfortunately hospital rules demand that I push more than one trolley a day.I'll have to have a few words with the union about that, surely conversing with patients is all part of the healing process. The Banana Phobic bloke was finally given his kilt, it don't look like it fits him properly so I reckon one of the nurses gave him a Tartan skirt she had lying around.
Spent the evening at Benny's place. He's really getting into this website thing and wanted to record some more of my memories so he could produce some more pages. He records everything onto tape. I had to laugh as a few of the tapes were the old style Mossad ones that used to self destruct after you played them once (and you all thought a TV show made that up), so whenever he played them back to make sure they came out ok he lost everything. He eventually found a few tapes he'd bought down Brick Lane that seemed to do the job. He tells me that once we've done our Booze cruise he'll work on some more. Interestingly I noticed he's sneaked a new page on without telling me, The Raid On Entebbe, I must have recorded that one a long time ago.
I'm looking forward to our little trip to France, I've already worked out where I'm going to stash my supply of fags into Benny's Trabant. I'm also looking forward to insulting a few of the Froggies, apart from the guys who serve in the Foreign Legion they ain't up to much, and having spent a couple of weeks with the Legion I should know.
Shalom

Benny's been busy
Mood:  chatty
Got a phone call from Benny last night, he tells me he's finally got around to putting up some of my exploits on the Internet and wants my opinion of what he's done so far. Well I take a look, and I'm amazed, he's actually done a couple of pages, one with a little bit of background on me, the other detailing my day out at the 1966 World Cup Final. He's even found that old picture of me in the Royal Box. Way to go Benny! I spoke to him again this morning and he has plans to add other pages over the next few weeks. I can't wait to see some of my tales finally available to the world at large. Benny did want me to bring attention to how to get to the site, he says he has updated the links on this page, but for those lazy bastards who can't be bothered to check them its www.angelfire.com/blog/norventia/mystery.htm you can also send me mail from there.
So what else has been going on, well while everybody else was watching Coronation Street (I haven't watched it since Reg Holdsworth left) I was watching some old video of the Israeli Air Force bombing some Arabs. At least I thought it was old video then realised I was watching the news.Some things never change.
At the hospital meanwhile they have begun to put up a small viewing area in the Psycho ward. The Banana Phobic bloke is proving so entertaining everyone wants to watch and listen to him. I suggested that we charge a fee to raise funds for some new trollies and I think they are going to do that. I've also offered to revamp the security, but there doesn't seem to be the same enthusiasm for that, and besides they won't pay me overtime.
A quick message for all those using the Eurotunnel service this weekend. I'll be driving the 08:45 departure from the UK, and bringing it back at 5pm Froggie time, so if the journey is quicker than usual you'll know why.
Shalom

Boom
Well spent the evening rigging up my new hotline to Tel Aviv. All seems well with it and I'm now available to deal with any world crisis that may arise. I always keep a bag packed just in case.
Took a trip up to the psycho ward to see how the Banana phobic guy was getting on, he really has lost the plot and had draped a sheet around him like a Toga and was going on about becoming a Roman Centurion and wearing a leather mini skirt. I spoke to one of the doctors who said they really should be moving him to a secure unit but he's too much entertainment, he seems harmless enough.
Unusually I took the Underground in today for the first time since the incidents last year. My trigger finger got a little bit itchy every time I saw an asian guy with a backpack so I thought it for the best, although I did trail some brazilian geezer for a couple of days and tipped the police off about him. I have fond memories of the Underground, I actually worked undercover on it for a number of years, because I didn't want to be too high profile I turned down loads of promotions. I'll tell you about it one day.
Benny has suggested if we want to make a good day of it Saturday we'd better skip synagogue. As I told you earlier in the week Rabbi Goldberg likes me to do the security there. I'm sure he won't mind if I organise things beforehand. Benny also reckons if I'm going to water ski there I'd be better off behind one of those catamaran things rather than a boat. I am rethinking that though, I may just drive a train over there, well if you can move a tube train a high speed cross channel one must be the same only faster. I'll be hacking into the Eurotunnel computers today and changing the work rosters so it doesn't look too suspicious when I turn up there. I reckon all I need is some hi-visibility gear and nobody will take any notice, especially if I talk with an eastern European accent.
Shalom

I like Trucking
Mood:  loud
So I got Monday out of the way, had to go and buy a new phone for the Mossad hotline as still no sign of my previous one since that window cleaning guy did my windows. I don't know what I've missed, but the world seems reasonably quiet at the moment so there's a chance they haven't been in touch.
That crazy geezer with the Banana phobia is still up in the ward, he's driving the staff mad as Banana's are part of the staple diet up there. Personally I wouldn't give those psychos access to them. Years ago I was able to whittle one down into a very handy assault knife which I used when we stormed that plane in Entebbe. It proved ideal for prising open the door. That geezer is also demanding the right to wear a kilt so he is obviously pretty ill, who'd want to be associated with those drunkards North of Cricklewood.
Talking of Cricklewood this years tour is now definitely off, the organisers were hoping to use the wheelchair ramps at Wembley for the King of The Mountain stages after IKEA pulled out. Turns out they won't be ready in time, guess I'll have to find something else to do instead. Someone said they have a small cycle race in France I might want to do, I doubt it, the only thing France is good for is cheap fags and booze.
Ok, time to set up the new hotline to Tel Aviv. Maybe I shouldn't have it sitting under a glass cover. Do you know that's an idea they nicked off me for the Batman TV series. All these f*****g things I could sue them for, bloody yanks never could make up their own ideas.
Shalom

I don't like Mondays
Mood:  chatty
I hate Mondays, who doesn't? Back to moving people about, and another change in job title. We are now going to be called People Movement Technicians or PMT which for some reason sounds familiar. One of the wags at work says that that is how the female patients must feel when I'm pushing them around. I don't have a clue what he's on about, stupid git.
Well my dose of the Ingles family certainly mellowed me out. It was with a heavy heart I had to give the DVD's back today. On the bright side the same guy has offered to lend me his complete set of 'Highway To Heaven' which I think must be about all those bloody Arabs I shot during the Six Day War. I certainly put then on the Highway To Heaven alright. Can't wait to get hold of them, a good dose of action is what I need right now.
We had an unusual mental patient today. Some geezer with an aversion to Bananas and kept going on about LT Teabags and Pussies. I had the misfortune to have to push him up to the ward, he wouldn't walk up there as he'd spotted a Banana skin on the floor. Just like the Window Cleaner he seems vaguely familiar. That's one thing when you have my background, you're always on alert and never forget a face. It's a gift and certainly a troubling one.
Had to buy fags this morning as my duty free supply has run out. I'm cursing Benny and his Trabant problems, I think I'll send him the bill. Still this weekend we're stocking up. I would use the fastest VW in the west, but the sort of fuel it uses is only available in select military bases and there are none of those near Calais. Typical Frogs no f*****g military worth speaking about, although when I was seconded to the Foreign Legion there were some tough nuts, but that's another story.
Shalom

Walnut Grove
Mood:  chatty
What a day yesterday, spent it sat back in a dark room watching the boxed DVD set I told you about yesterday. The whole thing reminded me of those early days I spent in the Israeli countryside. Life was simple then, at least until the bloody Arabs got involved. That's what part the makers of Little House On The Prairie don't show you. The suicide bombers, lots of people walking around with towels on their head. In that part Walnut Grove is not realistic at all.
Of course to watch all this I skipped going to the Synagogue and I got a nasty phone call from Rabbi Goldberg as a result. You see I'm in charge of synagogue security, and he reckons it was a shambles without me there. They almost let in some guys wearing bulky waistcoats until someone told them we weren't going to open the windows just because they were getting hot.
Today is the day for gardening, my camouflage outfit needs some fresh foliage. You never know when you're going to need it.
Benny fixed his Trabant so the France trip is on again for next week, can't wait as my fag supply is running low. We've decided I'm not going to ride the train though, I'll get there by water skiing behind a ferry. Not a method many asylum seekers are willing to try I bet.
Shalom

April Fool
Little scare yesterday when everything went missing from here. I believe that anti-mossad forces were at work and don't want me spreading the good word. Of course it could have been fans of that crappy movie, although for the life of me I don't know why anyone would like it.
No doubt you're all expecting me to tell some sort of wild made up story to mark April 1st. Problem is my antics have been so wild and varied that you lot probably think I'm making them up anyway, so you wouldn't be able to tell fact from fiction.
I'm gonna take it easy today, one of my mates has lent me a box DVD set of 'Little House On The Prarie' and I intend to watch the lot while cleaning my gun collection. That Percy Ingles was some character.
Benny cancelled our little jaunt to France, the engine fell out of his Trabant so he needs to go the Woolworths and buy some tape to strap it back in. Hopefully next week we'll cause some mayhem to those bloody Frogs. They deserve everything that comes to them, if it wasn't for the Yanks, Us Brits, the Israelis, and the Swiss the world would have been taken over by the arabs years ago.
Okay the theme music is starting up, must go.
Shalom

What's happened
It's all gone blank, where's everything gone?

Film Critic
Mood:  irritated
Well I checked out the Mossad movie on Ebay, and to say I'm disgusted is an understatement. It's a f*****g love story, what a load of b******s. How dare the film makers turn the most elite intelligence service in the world into something like 'Pride and f*****g Prejudice'. I'm almost tempted to get on the hotline to Tel Aviv, except I still can't find the phone after that window cleaner's visit. Time to break out the black car and spend hours hanging around a certain studios office in London. That'll scare 'em.
Benny and I are still planning to load up the Trabant at the weekend, but Benny has pointed out one flaw with my travel arrangements. While I'll have no problem riding the train on the way to France, on the way back I'll be competing with a load of f*****g asylum seekers for a prime slot under the carriages. He has a point, maybe I should break out the mini-sub for the weekend. I'll check out some of the other things I got out of the stores before I left my last job. Must be something useful among that lot.
Work still sees me pounding the corridors, and to be honest I'm beginning to feel under utilised. With my background in security and covert operations I should be doing more. Security here is a joke, some f*****g Nigerian in a bright coat and a pair of overalls at the door. he seems to disappear for a couple of hours a night as well. As for his footwear, maybe he got them down the charity shop. F*****g Wellington boots, I ask you. He also seems to have a lot of visitors and mentions something about C cleans. More code I think.
Ok, time to work out which passport I'm gonna carry this weekend, I have a small pile of them of different nationalities, Swiss, British, Israeli, Nigerian, you name it I've got it.
Shalom

When I'm cleaning windows
Mood:  chatty
Got home late last night so couldn't tell how clean my windows were. Got up this morning and I can still see through them so he must have done something. My fancy speakerphone with the hotline to Mossad is missing though, I must have moved it without thinking.
Somebody told me that they'd made a movie about Mossad and they'd seen it for sale on ebay. While I am disappointed that I wasn't consulted, I'll check it out anyway, there is bound to be something which I was involved in during the course of the movie. I really should get some legal advice, I could be missing out on a lot of shekels.
So the weekend is nearly upon us, and Benny wants to take the Trabant to France for a booze and fags cruise. I'm game although I've told him not to worry about booking me a spot on the train. I'll ride underneath the carriages clinging onto the axles in good secret agent fashion. Well you have to keep in training.
Bad news about the Tour of Cricklewood. It has been postponed as the owners of the IKEA car park are not too pleased with the publicity they got in the local papers this week. For some reason they find it quite disturbing to have someone carrying a gun around the car park taking aim at customers. As a result we can't use their wheelchair ramp for the King Of The Mountains stage. The new Wembley Stadium was considered as an alternative, but we all know what a cock up that's become.
Israeli election results are in, the whole thing has made me consider a career in politics, but I'll have to set up my own party as I don't like any of the others. Just got to think of a name for it. If anyone has any ideas I'd like to hear them.
Anyway, doing the midnight shift at work tonight so I've got to go and shine up my hi-visibility gear, until tomorrow

Shalom

I wanna be elected
Mood:  chatty
Stayed up late last night to see if I could work out who had won the Israeli election. I considered standing as a candidate myself, but I couldn't get the time of work to do any campaigning. I'm saving up my sick leave for another time, well you never know when the call will come through to take part in the Tour De France.
That window cleaning guy is coming round today to do my windows, for some reason he keeps asking me about fax machines,I think he may be mentally ill or something. That blow on the head he took when he fell off the ladder may have something to do with it. Hope he does a good job, I won't know until I get home.
Anyway need to get off here for a while, today is rubbish day at the hospital and it's my turn to wheel out the bins. We have these big green things, and maybe my ears deceive me but I'm sure I hear a squawking sound coming from one of them, it sounds like someone is saying wet and wild. Thinking about it maybe it's some sort of code, better get out my 'Whizzer and Chips' code book and have a look.
Shalom

Going for gold
Mood:  chatty
Well yesterday turned out busier than I thought. The photo shoot was for Trolley Pusher Monthly and if you're a subscriber you may well see pictures of me in the next edition pushing the latest state of the art trolley down a corridor. Of course it will only be a picture of my back, I warned them that my identity has to be concealed, you never know if that Osram Bin Liner bloke reads the mag.
The new trolley was a dream to push, but we won't be getting any here soon, the trial model was loaded back onto a truck at the end of the shoot. We can't afford them here.
Listening to the radio this morning I see some ultra jewish Rabbi has taken to giving his sermons to a Reggae beat, must be based in Brixton.
Got a letter from the organisers of the Tour of Cricklewood this morning. They are going to take the sniper aspect out of this years event, but they also expressed their disappointment at me for wearing the tour's yellow jersey when doing my training. Driving to work this morning it struck me as to how many previous winners of the tour there must have been, take a look at any building site and you'll see loads of them. Maybe they've all won different races.
Ok, battery is running low, I'll post more tomorrow.
Shalom

Freewheeling
Mood:  loud
Just a quickie as today looks like it's going to be busy. Benny tells me he hopes to have my new website up and running within the next two weeks or so. I hope he's bought a big chunk of the internet because my tales will take up a lot of space.
Finally tracked down the window cleaning guy, and he is more familiar than I realised. We used to sit on the same pew at the synagogue, but at the time he had other interests besides fax machines. Anyway he's going to give me a good rate to clean my windows, although I didn't tell him they were bulletproof.
Anyway got to go, my trolley is being used in a photo shoot and hopefully I'll get in the shots.
More later with any sort of luck.
Shalom