Holiday 2006
Now Playing: The Longest Day
Better day yesterday, I'm happy now I've got the fastest trolley in the NHS back. Also wasn't too busy so plenty of time to leaf through the intelligence reports I get from a contact who lives on the West Bank in Stamford Hill. I used to have them faxed to the hospital, but since that window cleaning bloke was in here last month, there has been a clampdown on fax use, apparently an audit showed one of the machines as missing.
Anyway it seems I have a wide range of places to choose from. As I said yesterday, Iraq is out because it's too popular with the Americans. I don't mind the yanks as a rule, but when I go away, I want to be able to take in the local culture without bumping into large people with those Rupert The Bear style trousers and a camera around their necks. Baghdad is probably full of them this time of year. A couple of places in Africa do look interesting, Sudan, Chad and even Zimbabwe have nice dictatorships which does a lot to keep out the riff raff. However my mind drifts back towards the middle east, and Iran is very appealing. No Yanks there, plus as a Jew it presents the added challenge of breaching their security to get into the country in the first place. There were some interesting snapshots in the report showing some new buildings that are going up. The Yanks reckon they are something to do with Nuclear power or something, but I believe the Iranians when they say they are building Mosques with an eye to their being able to withstand any natural disaster. So my mind is almost made up, I'll make a call to my travel agent in Tel Aviv to set it all up. Be pretty cheap too I reckon. If not it may be back to Benidorm which is enough like a war zone to keep me happy.
Called Benny again last night. I keep checking but still no sign of the story about Fairoaks. He tells me to be patient, it's coming, it's just taking a little longer than he thought, plus his computer got a bit screwed up when he downloaded some dodgy stuff off of the internet. He says it's all sorted out now so it's back to work.
Another weekend is coming up, and for me the last day on the graveyard run. So plenty of time to make sure I'm getting my holiday arrangements the way I want them, the good thing with intelligence reports over holiday brochures is that they are always up to date, sadly for the common man he doesn't have access to them, being associated with Mossad does have certain advantages.
Shalom

Benny
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: A Bridge Too Far
Tracked down my trolley yesterday, good to see all this Mossad technology works well. Apparently hospital management weren't too happy about the advert on the side, but were also very annoyed about my Star of David badge on the front. Said it would upset all the f****** non Jewish patients. I was none too pleased by this, and if this sort of thing had happened years ago, I would have taken care of the problem using methods which even those so called experts in that CSI TV series couldn't have worked out.
So for the majority of the day yesterday I was in a bad mood so it's just as well they have me on the graveyard run. I think if I'd been giving anyone wearing a towel on their head to push around I would have been tempted to think it was the late sixties all over again, you know what I mean. I can't even go and amuse myself by watching Bananaman, he's been moved to a padded cell since someone put Banana scented air freshener in the Psycho ward bogs.
So last night I had to talk to someone, and as I'm still in Rabbi Goldberg's bad books for skipping synagogue a couple of times recently, the whole thing falls on Benny's shoulders. Benny and I go back a fair way, although he wasn't in Mossad, he wasn't good enough for that. But he demonstrated a flair for technology which I've found useful. Thanks to him I can now record one programme on the TV while I'm watching another channel. He's a good listener - well he needs to be - but always shrewd enough to make sure it's not his phone bill being run up. He tells me the Fairoaks airport story should be up on my website by the weekend, as it's going to be a highlight of the site, he's trying to make it a little more detailed than previous efforts. I can't wait to see it, I'm sure he'll do this tale justice.
Started to look at some intelligence reports so I can decide where to go on holiday this year. Iraq has the weather but I've a feeling the nightlife isn't much good and it's full of Americans I'm told. Man they get everywhere don't they. Maybe somewhere in Africa then. I don't know, so much stuff so little time to do it. I'll keep ploughing through them until I find something interesting.
Shalom

Dead boring
Mood:  lazy
Well the week has not started very brightly. Got back to work and found someone had nicked my customised trolley. Just like the fastest VW in the west, I'd modified my trolley to be quicker than anybody elses. It simply glides down the corridors. Shouldn't be too hard to find as I'd stuck a little homing device on it, problem was I'd left the tracking equipment at home so I won't be able to do anything about it until my next shift. It does have other identifying features as well like a big Star of David on the front, and it's also the only one with an advert on the side "Eat at Abe's" it says. Anyway I'll deal with that later.
Councillor Liebeman called me last night just to make sure I'd lost interest in my anti tank ditch project. I'm scared of him now as he has skills and knows people that I can only dream about. I always thought that as I wrote Mossad's training manuals that I was one of the most feared Jews on the planet. I know I still have the ability to scare, as it's amazing how quick our little room at the hospital clears out when I enter. I think my mates are so in awe of me that they just don't feel comfortable in the same room.
After the councillor's call Benny rang me to clarify a few details about the Fairoaks Airport Massacre. He has a picture of the airport and wanted me to highlight where the El Al check in desk was. Benny can get confused sometimes, I wasn't flying El Al that day, I was doing one of those budget airline things, you know anywhere in Europe for a half a shekel, I think the airline was called Brianair. They're not in business anymore, the Fairoaks incident did for their public relations what Lockerbie did for PanAm. Mind you from what I could gather they were never going to be successful, their choice of destinations was questionable, but a cheap flight is a cheap flight at the end of the day and anything cheap is alright by me, I love saving money.
Talking of travel reminds me it's time for me to check out where I'm going to be holidaying this year. Because of the stress of my job, I get loads of time off, I know I did the North Korea thing last month but that was a weekend away. Better start checking out the intelligence reports to see where the 'in' destination is this year.
Shalom

A Night with Benny
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Tour De France
Well eventually made it around to Benny's last night, I was a bit late as I'd got a bit carried away listening to Englebert. "The Last Waltz" always brings a tear to my eye, I remember it was being played on the PA system at Fairoaks airport on the day of the massacre, so it always brings back pleasant memories of death and destruction, but even better an opportunity I had to use my highly sharpened marksmanship skills that day.
Anyway, more of that later, Benny and I cracked open a can of Stella and discussed a few more things we can now release to the great unwashed as their secrecy clauses have now lapsed. The Fairoaks Airport Massacre was one of them, and Benny has promised to make that a priority, we did discuss my dealings with East End gangsters, Hollywood celebs and my other sporting achievements. Let's just say Benny has a lot to go on, and is going to be extremely busy if he's going to get them online.
I never did get a phone call from Tel Aviv asking me to deal with their latest difficulties, I guess they have got a local operative to sort it out, I did get a message from Hassan's Army Missiles And Supplies apologising for a small slip up in the delivery of some items but they must have got the wrong bloke as I haven't ordered anything from them for ages. They blamed transport problems. Still some poor sod isn't going to get their gear.
Back to work today, and this week I have got the graveyard shift. No it's not nights but I'm in charge of transporting the stiffs down to the Morgue. I hate this part of the job, your clients aren't very talkative, but at least it's clean and you get the same trolley for the week. As the weather isn't bad shouldn't get too many old'uns dropping off so it won't be too busy either. I'll probably get time to sort out my Mountaineering gear. I have to be ready for anything and old OBL is meant to be hiding in the mountains somewhere. I reckon they're giving the Yanks time to find him, but eventually they'll have to turn to Mossad, we can find anyone.
Anyway, keep an eye out as Benny has promised to try and get some new stuff up this week.
Shalom

Council pressure
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Englebert Humperdinck's Greatest Hits
Another slow bank holiday. Could have gone to work and pushed a few trolleys about but decided against it. I'm not that much in need of the overtime, and besides looks like things have taken off a bit in Tel Aviv, so I've pumped up the tyres in my bike, dusted off the bike clips and I'm ready for the call.
I might have to hold off on the anti tank ditch. Councillor Liebeman came round last night, and said that he wasn't sure it would be approved by the planning committee on the grounds that it might be hazardous for the local kids. I started to make the usual noises about getting some subtle pressure put on the relevant people, but he stopped me in my tracks. He said the watch tower was fine as he didn't mind me making a few dinaris from the mobile phone towers placed on top, but on this one he'd have to oppose me. He then shook my hand, and in a moment I knew he wasn't to be fooled with. The handshake he gave me is known only by an elite few, and the last time someone shook my hand like that he was wearing an eye patch (I'm sure you know who I mean). This means I won't need to do any mail order from the Gaza strip, but I couldn't get through to them anyway. They have one of those systems where you have to press a number to pick the option you want, you know the sort of thing, press one for made to measure suicide belts, two for Semtex by the pound. I couldn't be bothered to wait.
So with the demise of the anti tank ditch, I'll probably put a few hedges and some Pansies down there instead. Pity but sometimes there is nothing you can do about it. I'm shrewd enough to know when I'm beaten.
Benny also called yesterday, and told me that now Easter is over he may well have time to get some more of my tales up on the internet, he just wants to know which ones. I said I'll call round later and we'll discuss it.
Ok, got to jet off to Tesco's for some much needed supplies, then listen to my Englebert LP before hopping in the fastest VW in the west and spending the evening with Benny. May even share a can of Stella with him.
Shalom

The Last Waltz
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: The Tony Blackburn Show
Disappointing trip down to B&Q yesterday. Turns out they reckon there isn't much call for landmines and barbed wire at their store. The spotty faced oik I spoke to reckoned I'd be more likely to find that sort of stuff at one of their branches in Baghdad, or on their website. I must admit I was a little stunned by the initiative shown by B&Q to actually branch out into Iraq, the whole place is having to be rebuilt and I'm sure the Iraqis' are into DIY as much as anybody, and if their record building IED's is anything to go by they would be pretty good at it. So looks like I'm going to have to go back to my mail order place which I think I may have mentioned was based in Jerusalem but has now moved to the Gaza strip. I used to get regular mailings from them, but I must have dropped off their mailing list since the move. My sources told me there has also been a change of management and my old mate Yassar is no longer there. I don't really like dealing with them - they have this thing about liberating Palestine - but they are pretty reliable although their shipping is a little erratic, and they don't deliver to your door, instead you have to go and pick up an unmarked box in a disused building somewhere, and as for returning faulty items...well forget it, it's not like dealing with Amazon.co.uk I can tell you. That's the problem with these specialty stores.
As I was a little down I thought I'd stop off at the discount music place and pick up something to listen to. Well in the bargain bin I uncovered a real treasure trove, some recordings of The Tony Blackburn Show, and a well worn copy of Englebert Humperdinck's greatest hits. I am no fan of either one by the way, but I've had dealings with both in the past and like to make sure they can count on a few shekels heading their way from time to time. I've seen Tony on the TV a few times although he doesn't seem as keen on tennis as he once was. He had a unique style let me tell you...hang on I remember now...that was him at the hospital last month, good to see he hasn't forgotten his effective backhand.
Today I'm going to sit back and listen to my new purchases, then I'll sort out my order for the anti tank trench.
Shalom

Do you know the way to Golders Green
Mood:  loud
So, spent the day watching videos in preparation for my legal action I'm taking against the major Hollywood film studios. I know they are going to try the line of "the events in this film are nothing like what you did" but to me that's not the point. How would they have come up with "The Great Escape" if nobody had told them the story of the mass break out of 3 prisoners from an egyptian prisoner of war camp during the six day war. Then they had the cheek to set it about 20 years earlier, can you see why I get annoyed. Some of the film titles are dead giveaways. "The Railway Children" obviously based on my time administering one of the world's largest railways (although I admit I haven't seen the film yet). I'll be touting my case round lawyers soon.
The Easter Egg hunt flopped as the moment the Banana Phobic guy dressed as a rabbit set foot out of the Psycho ward with a basket full of painted hand grenades panic broke out and someone called the Police. Are some people so touchy or what. I managed to calm things down by flashing my mysterious ID card with the Hebrew symbol on it, but we had to lock Bananaman away, and the Easter Eggs were shipped off elsewhere for disposal. Probably turn up at the house of some fancy politician who'd forgotten to get eggs of his own.
So with all this idle time I'm looking to do a little overdue landscaping. Last year I put up a 30 foot tall watch tower to keep an eye on my house. This year I'm thinking of either putting up a 12 foot wall or installing an anti tank ditch complete with barbed wire and minefield. If it sounds a bit like the Berlin wall you'd be right, that's the effect I'm trying to create. The council were a bit touchy about my plan last year, but a flash of the mysterious ID card, and a few strategiclly placed menacing black cars and phone calls soon put them at ease. This might prove a little more difficult but we'll see, it's election year and the local councillor needs my vote so maybe he'll pull a few strings to make sure he gets it.
So without further ado I'm off to B&Q to do some pricing up for my little project.
Shalom

Good Friday
Mood:  loud
Well for most of you lazy gits, this is a day you can put your feet up, and dream of those DIY projects that the missus wants you to do, but you have no intention of doing. Not the same for me. I'm a like a cat waiting to pounce, not only am I on call for the hospital, but I'm sitting by the Mossad hotline in case Tel Aviv should call. When you're in my line of work you just can't relax for a second.
What's with all the religious crap on TV today, is it some sort special occasion. Anybody would think it was Christmas as I saw the Queen giving away money on the news last night. About time she started to spread it around a bit. She does discriminate though, looks like you have to be old and decrepit plus go to church to qualify for a hand out. What about us old Jews? I don't see her popping down the synagogue to dish out the cash. I would write to my MP, but I don't know who he is.
I've decided that because I'm high alert, as always, I can't drift too far away from the phone. So I stocked up on Bagels, and some videos for this weekend. I'm working on the lawsuit I'm going to bring against the major Hollywood studios for telling my life story without asking me. I've told you about this before, and it seems I can't flit around my Sky Digibox without seeing one of my stories on it. Last night I come across "The Long Good Friday", which while it doesn't mention Ronnie, Reggie and me by name, and the events are nothing like what we got up to, still the inference was there.
Big easter Egg hunt tomorrow at the hospital, and I'm providing security, it's pretty convenient as I'll be doing the synagogue gig first. I guess if Tel Aviv call during that time they'll have to leave a message.
Shalom

Passover
Mood:  chatty
Well people, sorry about a slightly later update today, but for all you uneducated idiots out there it's the first day of Passover so I had to nip down the Bagel bake and get my supplies in before they get all religious and close.
You know I can't keep up with all these holidays us jews can have. There's this one, Hannukah, and of course the most famous one of all, Moshe Dyan appreciation day. I'm sure I've missed one somewhere, and that it's tied in with some sort of event back in the sixties, have to check my diary and see if I can work it out.
I did pop by and see how Rabbi Goldberg was getting on, and it looks like he's been hitting the can of Stella that Benny had to give him. He kept rambling on about how the collection plate never has any money in it, and how he keeps having this vision of someone in black crashing through the window of the Synagogue with an Uzi blazing. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he'd caught me in the middle of one of my training exercises, although I should stress the Uzi did have blanks in it.
Apparently it's also a bit of a shindig for the Church of England this weekend, and lots of you will be celebrating by going to worship at B&Q and Wickes. Me, well I'll be setting up an Easter Egg hunt at the hospital. I come across this old box of Hand Grenades which I've painted nice colours with pictures of rabbits on them. I don't think we'll have any problems as the grenades are meant to be duds. We'll try them out in the psycho ward first just in case.
Talking of the Psycho ward our Banana phobic friend has been dressed up as the Easter Bunny and has been set loose on the wards like Rolf Harris at Christmas. I think everyone is a little wary of him though, and some of the wards made it very clear he wasn't welcome by hanging a bunch of Bananas in the doorway. His babblings are a little strange, and the word pussy seems to come up a lot. Better keep him clear of the kiddies ward, don't want any misunderstandings.
Ok, time for the first Bagel of Passover.
Shalom

Crisis...what Crisis?
Mood:  loud
I've been sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring, surely with Sharon out of the way some sort of crisis in Israel should be about to flare up, requiring me to take some sick leave and jet out to save the world?
Instead I'm on some crappy course - Advanced Trolley Management - which has been set up by the Health and Safety people. Apparently there have been reports of trolleys blocking fire exits and narrowing corridors so we have to be told how to park them. With my background this is all second nature of course, when you have been responsible for parking the trains on a major mass transport network you know you could run the course.
It's not all about where to park your trolley. Some of the lads have been accidently running over peoples' feet so we are also being taught how to push them in a straight line and steering techniques. Once again I find this obvious, and as designated defensive driving instructor for Mossad I can do a handbrake turn with a hospital trolley.
The great bar code experiment is on hold, following the incident with the Newcastle fans, they tried it again. In one area they found the computer had logged 3 prepared Caesar salads and a tin of beans. It was picking up on the nurses bringing their stuff back from Tesco's!
Anyway I could ramble on but I've got to go and do my practical exercise and negotiate my trolley round some traffic cones in the car park.
Shalom

A day off
Mood:  lazy
Well after a few hectic weeks I felt like taking a sickie, so today I'm lazing about doing nothing, which some will say is nothing new.
Picked up my nice new black outfit yesterday to replace the one that was ruined at the cleaners a few weeks back. The tailor tells me it's made to measure but I had to ask him why there was a tick shaped symbol on the chest. He told me it was his trademark. Well I have to say he must have been really busy as I see it everywhere. Good to see I'm in with the "in" crowd at the moment.
So what else am I doing today. Well I'm recharging the batteries in my night vision goggles, and just making sure my kit is ready should I get the call. Now the Tour of Cricklewood isn't going to happen this year, my training regime has sort of suffered. The bike is currently gathering dust next to the fastest VW in the west.
One of the other reasons I'm taking the day off is that I'm expecting a job lot of Milk Tray that they couldn't sell on Mother's Day to arrive. Which reminds me, I need to get some of those cards made up to leave lying around. Also some geezer from Pepsi Max called so all in all it could be a busy day rather than a quiet one, we shall see.
Benny called last night, tells me that Rabbi Goldberg has heard he managed to sneak a six pack of Stella back into the country and wants the syanagogue's share. These bloody religious freaks miss nothing do they. I told him that as he has been rumbled he has no choice but to send him a tin. Apparently the Rabbi was very pleased about our dealings with the couple of Iraqui's though.
So looks like another Israeli PM has bit the dust. Ever since the Rabin incident they've struggled to get a decent one. I remember the Rabin incident well, must get onto Benny and get that one down on tape.
Shalom

Take 'em out
Mood:  chatty
Looks like the froggies didn't take my advice after all. Typical of the lily livered bastards. I told 'em all they had to do was take out a few of the long haired layabouts and they would be ok. Look at how us Israelis handle the bloody Arabs, don't see them parading around on strike do you.
Extremely disappointed with 'Highway To Heaven' which wasn't about Israeli secret service agents taking out suicide bombers with headshots, but rather about some goody two shoes doing good deeds all over the place. Bloody liberals, it's the likes of them who cause all our problems. I've added the star of the show - some geezer called Michael Landon - to my hit list. I think he could do with a lesson in real life.
Bananaman as we've called him, is pulling in the crowds, they're more people lining up to see him than there is in the casualty department on a Saturday night. He did escape over the weekend, but someone trapped him in the corridor with a bunch of Bananas and forced him back to the psycho ward. There should be a video about somewhere.
Spoke to Benny last night and he reckons he might be a bit too busy this week to knock out some new tales but he will try. Apparently he's going to be too busy making crosses or something. Someone tells me it's a bit of a big week for the old Jesus jockeys, and it's one of Benny's big money making times of the year.
Ok, just got a call, my new made to measure black outfit is ready, later people.
Shalom

Didn't we have a loverly time the day we went to Calais
Mood:  lazy
Well back from my little trip to France. Ok I told you it was a booze cruise, but really I was helping the French Government try and solve their problems with those lazy workshy students of theirs. I advised them to use plenty of teargas, a few baton charges and if they really wanted to get the message home a few rounds from an Uzi wouldn't go amiss.
Anyway it didn't all go to plan, I got stopped trying to get behind the controls of the train, only my highly secretive ID card with the Star of David on it stopped me being nicked. I ended up with Benny and his Trabant with all the other members of the great unwashed.
Got to the hypermarket at Calais for my top secret rendezvous with some guys from the French Intelligence service - Force Regionalle Operation Grande or FROG - whilst stocking up on booze we discussed lots of things which I can't go into here. After 10 minutes we were done and I could go wild in the aisles as Dale Winton used to say. Found a very nice line in black gear which being french is much trendier than the normal stuff - Mossad by Calvin Klein, can you believe that?
Unadventurous journey back apart from a knocking noise underneath the car which we later discovered to be a couple of Iraquis trying to sneak into Britain, a couple of Mossad death grips dealt with them.
So did we get what we wanted? Well I'm ok for fags for a couple of weeks, and Benny managed to get a six pack of Stella on the back seat so it was well worth it.
Back to work tomorrow, I can't wait. In the meantime I'm gonna relax and watch those 'Highway to Heaven' DVD's I borrowed. Looking forward to seeing some mad muslims go to meet their maker.
Shalom

Time flies by when you're the driver of a train
Mood:  loud
Just a quickie today as it's booze cruise day and me a Benny have an early start. I of course have a train to drive so I laid off the booze last night, wouldn't want to fall foul of any D&A regulations would I. That caused me a few problems at my last job.
Benny has taken the seats out of his Trabant so we should be able to cram in more than 400 fags, he has also put premium unleaded in the tank for a change, hopefully we'll get more than 30 miles per hour out of it. We'll also be stocking up on some cheap Kosher stuff at the Hypermarket, we'll see.
The hospital actually wanted me to work today, the Banana phobic guy is becoming quite an attraction and they're opening up a special public gallery and they needed a security consultant. I popped in on him before I left yesterday, he was going on about becoming a butterfly, he really is priceless, pity they're going to cart him off to Broadmoor or something.
Had a quick look at Benny's latest addition - The Raid On Entebbe - and it did bring back memories. I remember sitting in that back seat of the Merc. I also remember how disappointed I was about the Peanuts.
Anyway Benny's just pulled up outside, later dudes.
Shalom

Benny's still busy
Mood:  chatty
So yesterday was a little slow. Things at the hospital are settling into a routine, whilst it's nice I get lots of people to talk to during the course of the day, I'm not really given time to get to tell them everything I want.Unfortunately hospital rules demand that I push more than one trolley a day.I'll have to have a few words with the union about that, surely conversing with patients is all part of the healing process. The Banana Phobic bloke was finally given his kilt, it don't look like it fits him properly so I reckon one of the nurses gave him a Tartan skirt she had lying around.
Spent the evening at Benny's place. He's really getting into this website thing and wanted to record some more of my memories so he could produce some more pages. He records everything onto tape. I had to laugh as a few of the tapes were the old style Mossad ones that used to self destruct after you played them once (and you all thought a TV show made that up), so whenever he played them back to make sure they came out ok he lost everything. He eventually found a few tapes he'd bought down Brick Lane that seemed to do the job. He tells me that once we've done our Booze cruise he'll work on some more. Interestingly I noticed he's sneaked a new page on without telling me, The Raid On Entebbe, I must have recorded that one a long time ago.
I'm looking forward to our little trip to France, I've already worked out where I'm going to stash my supply of fags into Benny's Trabant. I'm also looking forward to insulting a few of the Froggies, apart from the guys who serve in the Foreign Legion they ain't up to much, and having spent a couple of weeks with the Legion I should know.
Shalom

Benny's been busy
Mood:  chatty
Got a phone call from Benny last night, he tells me he's finally got around to putting up some of my exploits on the Internet and wants my opinion of what he's done so far. Well I take a look, and I'm amazed, he's actually done a couple of pages, one with a little bit of background on me, the other detailing my day out at the 1966 World Cup Final. He's even found that old picture of me in the Royal Box. Way to go Benny! I spoke to him again this morning and he has plans to add other pages over the next few weeks. I can't wait to see some of my tales finally available to the world at large. Benny did want me to bring attention to how to get to the site, he says he has updated the links on this page, but for those lazy bastards who can't be bothered to check them its www.angelfire.com/blog/norventia/mystery.htm you can also send me mail from there.
So what else has been going on, well while everybody else was watching Coronation Street (I haven't watched it since Reg Holdsworth left) I was watching some old video of the Israeli Air Force bombing some Arabs. At least I thought it was old video then realised I was watching the news.Some things never change.
At the hospital meanwhile they have begun to put up a small viewing area in the Psycho ward. The Banana Phobic bloke is proving so entertaining everyone wants to watch and listen to him. I suggested that we charge a fee to raise funds for some new trollies and I think they are going to do that. I've also offered to revamp the security, but there doesn't seem to be the same enthusiasm for that, and besides they won't pay me overtime.
A quick message for all those using the Eurotunnel service this weekend. I'll be driving the 08:45 departure from the UK, and bringing it back at 5pm Froggie time, so if the journey is quicker than usual you'll know why.
Shalom

Boom
Well spent the evening rigging up my new hotline to Tel Aviv. All seems well with it and I'm now available to deal with any world crisis that may arise. I always keep a bag packed just in case.
Took a trip up to the psycho ward to see how the Banana phobic guy was getting on, he really has lost the plot and had draped a sheet around him like a Toga and was going on about becoming a Roman Centurion and wearing a leather mini skirt. I spoke to one of the doctors who said they really should be moving him to a secure unit but he's too much entertainment, he seems harmless enough.
Unusually I took the Underground in today for the first time since the incidents last year. My trigger finger got a little bit itchy every time I saw an asian guy with a backpack so I thought it for the best, although I did trail some brazilian geezer for a couple of days and tipped the police off about him. I have fond memories of the Underground, I actually worked undercover on it for a number of years, because I didn't want to be too high profile I turned down loads of promotions. I'll tell you about it one day.
Benny has suggested if we want to make a good day of it Saturday we'd better skip synagogue. As I told you earlier in the week Rabbi Goldberg likes me to do the security there. I'm sure he won't mind if I organise things beforehand. Benny also reckons if I'm going to water ski there I'd be better off behind one of those catamaran things rather than a boat. I am rethinking that though, I may just drive a train over there, well if you can move a tube train a high speed cross channel one must be the same only faster. I'll be hacking into the Eurotunnel computers today and changing the work rosters so it doesn't look too suspicious when I turn up there. I reckon all I need is some hi-visibility gear and nobody will take any notice, especially if I talk with an eastern European accent.
Shalom

I like Trucking
Mood:  loud
So I got Monday out of the way, had to go and buy a new phone for the Mossad hotline as still no sign of my previous one since that window cleaning guy did my windows. I don't know what I've missed, but the world seems reasonably quiet at the moment so there's a chance they haven't been in touch.
That crazy geezer with the Banana phobia is still up in the ward, he's driving the staff mad as Banana's are part of the staple diet up there. Personally I wouldn't give those psychos access to them. Years ago I was able to whittle one down into a very handy assault knife which I used when we stormed that plane in Entebbe. It proved ideal for prising open the door. That geezer is also demanding the right to wear a kilt so he is obviously pretty ill, who'd want to be associated with those drunkards North of Cricklewood.
Talking of Cricklewood this years tour is now definitely off, the organisers were hoping to use the wheelchair ramps at Wembley for the King of The Mountain stages after IKEA pulled out. Turns out they won't be ready in time, guess I'll have to find something else to do instead. Someone said they have a small cycle race in France I might want to do, I doubt it, the only thing France is good for is cheap fags and booze.
Ok, time to set up the new hotline to Tel Aviv. Maybe I shouldn't have it sitting under a glass cover. Do you know that's an idea they nicked off me for the Batman TV series. All these f*****g things I could sue them for, bloody yanks never could make up their own ideas.
Shalom

I don't like Mondays
Mood:  chatty
I hate Mondays, who doesn't? Back to moving people about, and another change in job title. We are now going to be called People Movement Technicians or PMT which for some reason sounds familiar. One of the wags at work says that that is how the female patients must feel when I'm pushing them around. I don't have a clue what he's on about, stupid git.
Well my dose of the Ingles family certainly mellowed me out. It was with a heavy heart I had to give the DVD's back today. On the bright side the same guy has offered to lend me his complete set of 'Highway To Heaven' which I think must be about all those bloody Arabs I shot during the Six Day War. I certainly put then on the Highway To Heaven alright. Can't wait to get hold of them, a good dose of action is what I need right now.
We had an unusual mental patient today. Some geezer with an aversion to Bananas and kept going on about LT Teabags and Pussies. I had the misfortune to have to push him up to the ward, he wouldn't walk up there as he'd spotted a Banana skin on the floor. Just like the Window Cleaner he seems vaguely familiar. That's one thing when you have my background, you're always on alert and never forget a face. It's a gift and certainly a troubling one.
Had to buy fags this morning as my duty free supply has run out. I'm cursing Benny and his Trabant problems, I think I'll send him the bill. Still this weekend we're stocking up. I would use the fastest VW in the west, but the sort of fuel it uses is only available in select military bases and there are none of those near Calais. Typical Frogs no f*****g military worth speaking about, although when I was seconded to the Foreign Legion there were some tough nuts, but that's another story.
Shalom

Walnut Grove
Mood:  chatty
What a day yesterday, spent it sat back in a dark room watching the boxed DVD set I told you about yesterday. The whole thing reminded me of those early days I spent in the Israeli countryside. Life was simple then, at least until the bloody Arabs got involved. That's what part the makers of Little House On The Prairie don't show you. The suicide bombers, lots of people walking around with towels on their head. In that part Walnut Grove is not realistic at all.
Of course to watch all this I skipped going to the Synagogue and I got a nasty phone call from Rabbi Goldberg as a result. You see I'm in charge of synagogue security, and he reckons it was a shambles without me there. They almost let in some guys wearing bulky waistcoats until someone told them we weren't going to open the windows just because they were getting hot.
Today is the day for gardening, my camouflage outfit needs some fresh foliage. You never know when you're going to need it.
Benny fixed his Trabant so the France trip is on again for next week, can't wait as my fag supply is running low. We've decided I'm not going to ride the train though, I'll get there by water skiing behind a ferry. Not a method many asylum seekers are willing to try I bet.
Shalom