Fried Mars Bars
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Hector's House
Made it back to work yesterday, and I've got the post holiday blues. After the events of the last week pushing a trolley around hospital corridors just doesn't cut it. I really need a world crisis to break out so I can truly use my talents, I know you lot all think that being a secret agent is like being James Bond but I have to tell you he is a little exaggerated, we don't all get Aston Martins to play with, for instance one of my recent Mossad issued cars was a Renault, great for undercover work but not very glamorous.
Anyway let me continue with my holiday tale. Things were not going to plan, I'd been pushed out of the plane over a different part of Iran than was scheduled, and had managed to book my self into the Hotel Teflon. My main concern that night was that I'd lose my deposit not only for Khomeni's B&B, but also for my pre-booked Donkey as it was obvious I wouldn't need them here. I settled into my room, not too bad, at least it had a sink and a mini bar which was not very imaginatively stocked, mainly Gin with a few Scotch Whiskys. I was surprised as I thought the Iranians didn't drink so you do learn something new everyday. I decided that it was important that I got to know the area so I scurried off into the street, feeling uncomfortable in my orange robes but not looking too out of place. Iran is remarkably British you know, must have something to do with the old colonial days. The people in the Quarbals speak a form of English although it is with a heavy accent. I was stunned to see what looked like bars on every corner and made up my mind to sample one of them during my stay. Tonight though I had to check out the local cuisine, and while I was expecting sheep's eyes and all sorts of weird stuff, it turns out that in this part of Iran they still enjoy good old fashioned British food. I could get a Cod and Chips among other things. I decided to try a local delicacy a fried Mars Bar. The shop owner did get a bit upset when I tried to use the Iranian cash I'd brought with me, but he calmed down a bit and offered to give me a Glasgow kiss, something I declined as I'm not gay. In the end he settled for British cash, which I figured he would change later on on the black market. All the time I was noting things down in my fine tuned brain, all this was vital intelligence I was gathering, and apart for a few stares, the disguise was working brilliantly as nobody had worked out I was Jewish. So my first day in Iran wasn't turning out too badly, tomorrow I'd go hunting for the Mosques.
Well I'll stop it there for today, don't want to overdose you too much, plus I have been summoned to see councillor Liebeman as he wants to hear all about my trip and see my photos and I'm well known to be more than happy to tell all. It's nice to know someone is interested, my mates at work cleared the room when I started to talk about it.
Shalom

Late Today
Now Playing: Vision On
Bit late doing this today, spent last night with Benny telling him about the trip and explaining the communication failures. Still had some fun going through the pictures I took, and hopefully Benny will find time to put some of them up on the site over the next few days.
Anyway let me continue on with my tale of the trip, I think I got to the point where the Special Ops guys pushed me out of the plane.
As I said the whole thing took me by surprise, I normally have lightening quick reactions but I reckon I was tired from the long day, plus I was concentrating on putting on my black make up for my disguise. It didn't take me too long to get my bearings though and go into HALO mode. As I plummeted towards earth a couple of things struck me. Firstly that I wasn't as high as I'd expected to be, and secondly that Iran was more brightly lit than I remembered from a trip I made many years ago. Thinking back now there were signs that maybe I'd got on the wrong plane, after all the Special Ops blokes were wearing White outfits which I thought strange for desert operations. At the time I assumed they were trying out some new style uniform. Anyway I made a perfect landing as always, I was top of parachute class five years running, and another thing struck me. This was definitely not the outskirts of Tehran or if it was then things had got a hell of a lot greener. I disposed of my parachute as per the manual, donned my orange robes and found a road into the nearest town all the while trying to remember the Hare Krishna song. Iran has come a long way as I noticed they have made the effort to put all the road signs in English. No doubt this is to help out the Yanks should they ever invade. They also drive on the same side of the road as in the UK which certainly was a pleasant surprise. The nearest town could be seen from the distance and a number of high rise buildings came into view. They weren't marked on my pop up map of Tehran so I stopped a local to ask for directions to Khomeni's B&B. Credit where credit is due, the guy made a very passable attempt at speaking English although I had to listen carefully. Apparently I could find it in an area called the Qurbals, which also wasn't on my map. He merely pointed toward the east and staggered off. Made sense I suppose, that's where all the mosques would be so off I yomped. I never did find it though and ended up at some place called the Hotel Teflon which was run by another face I found vaguely familiar whose English was also passable. Something didn't add up.
OK, well there'll be more tomorrow as I have to make my way back to work today and I know the guys can't wait to see what souvenirs I've bought them.
Shalom

It's good to be back
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: GARY GLITTER'S GREATEST HITS
Well I finally made it back to Fairoaks yesterday after a trip that did not go entirely to plan. Anyway being the highly trained specialist that I am, being able to adapt is one of my talents.
Things started smoothly enough with a speedy trip to the airport, Benny can sure handle the Trabant, and he had no trouble outpacing the kid on the bike who tried to race us down the road. On arrival at Fairoaks check in went pretty well for El Al. They only tried to bribe me once, and while I was tempted - after all 50 Shekels buys a lot of bagels - I didn't want to waste all the careful arrangements that had been made for me.
As Benny suggested the duty free shop was out of fags and this was very upsetting as I wasn't sure if you could get B&H in Iran, they didn't even have any booze either, and as for security...boy is that tight, first time I've ever been cavity searched before boarding a plane, and if you ask me the guy doing it seemed to enjoy it a bit too much. He looked vaguely familiar. For privacy reasons these guys badges only have their initials on, his were TW, I'd better look that up. He even found the two cans of Pepsi Max I had shoved up my backside to smuggle into Iran.
Plane was packed, it was the annual Fat Bastard convention in Jerusalem and they had virtually chartered the plane by the looks of it. We were late taking off, and I'm sure the extra weight slowed things down a bit. The upshoot of all this was I was late making my connection to the special Ops flight at Tel Aviv.
These guys are the so called elite of the Israeli army, but compared to my day these geezers are wimps. When I was in training we weren't allowed to use parachutes for the first three jumps, it was designed to toughen you up. Talking to these guys I learned that parachutes are now compulsory, talk about gay! Anyway while I was putting on my black make up, I proceeded to tell them all about my exploits and generally making sarcastic remarks about their abilities which were dwarfed by mine. For some reason that pissed a few of them off a bit, and they tossed me out of the plane in the middle of nowhere. Took me by surprise to tell the truth and I didn't have time to use Hava Nagida to defend myself.
Anyway that's where things started to go wrong, and as I want to pace myself I'll write more about it next time. I'm now off to Benny's to start processing some of the pictures I took. Benny's services are cheaper than getting them developed at Boot's or Tesco's for that matter.
Shalom

He's Coming Home
Now Playing: Carry On Blowing Up Arabs
Well good news, last night my lights started to flash and I worked out that it wasn't my electricity on the blink, but was in fact Morse code. Our Man is alive and well and is scheduled to arrive back at Fairoaks today.
I think the next few days on this blog will be dominated by his tale of survival in a hostile environment, so be prepared for action on a scale not witnessed since John Prescott became this country's answer to Casanova...John F*****g Prescott, how low this country has sunk if he is the best we can offer these days, we'll be taking 17 year old kids to the World Cup next.
Anyway I've got to go and attach a trailer to the bike as I'm hoping he's come back laden with goodies. Normal service should be resumed tomorrow with the beginning of our Man's tale of his trip to Iran.
This is Benny Slibowitz thanking you for your patience over the last few days, I hope it hasn't ruined your appetite.
BENNY

UPDATE
Now Playing: Carry On Spying
Well with no news from our man again today it seems that we either have a breakdown in communications or he has converted to Islam which is the sort of thing he would do if he was desperate enough for some fags.
I do know he didn't make it to Khomeni's B&B as I managed to make contact with the establishment. At first they didn't know who I was talking about, then I remembered his disguise so I asked them if they'd seen a black geezer with a Pony Tail wearing orange robes. It wasn't until I told them that he talks a lot that they were able to confirm his non arrival.
So our mystery man is creating a whole new world of mystery around him, and it looks like there will be some good tales emerging from this little episode, I just hope he got some pictures, I'm sure he will have as if there is one thing he never forgets is his camera. I should know, I've spent many an evening looking at his holiday snaps, that and all the stories that go with them. Jesus the prospect of more is making me think of slitting my wrists.
Till tomorrow
BENNY

DAY 3
Now Playing: The A Team
No message last night so I've no idea what's going on. I'm sure all will be revealed when he gets back on Thursday so no worries. My main concern is that he missed out on his rental donkey so he has transport problems. Still I'm sure he's getting some great pictures of the new Mosques, and finding the Iranian people all very friendly, as they are noted for being very liberal and tolerant.
Hopefully we'll get an update soon.
BENNY

MYSTERY MAN HOLIDAY UPDATE DAY 2
Now Playing: Our Man Flint
A very garbled transmission last night so not too sure what to make of it.
"Wrong drop, no room, help"
Sounds like they pushed him out of the plane at the wrong place, I can understand that as he can go on a bit and those special ops guys were probably jealous of all his achievements. So he may not be in Tehran.
If he's not in Tehran then he's probably lost his room at Khomeni's B&B. Now while he has superb survival instincts and has the ability to be able to survive for an entire week on a box of Milk Tray this is still a problem as if you remember he wasn't able to take any Milk Tray with him. I'm sure he'll cope, I think he squeezed a couple of cans of Pepsi Max in his luggage.
As for the last part of the message, well he is a big Beatles fan so to make light of his current situation he probably started to sing a song, what a sense of humour eh?
BENNY

MYSTERY MAN HOLIDAY UPDATE
Now Playing: The Man From Uncle
Ok, first update from our man, and it seems things are not going so great, I got the message "No Smoke, tight fit late again" which isn't a reference to a group of one hit wonders from the 1980's but actually tells me a lot about how the trip is going.
Basically the first major upset was the lack of fags available at the Fairoaks Airport duty free shop. Now I know that this was scheduled to be the highlight of his trip so I can imagine he's a bit pissed off.
The flight was full, and my guess is he got that crappy middle seat that airlines insist on having and was probably stuck between a couple of Sumo wrestlers. Apparently there is a big Sumo tournament in Tel Aviv this weekend, not that our man would be scared of them, his mastery of Hava Nagida is legendary in Israeli military circles.
Finally as per usual El Al was late and this means he might miss his connecting Special Ops flight to Tehran. Now that would not be good as Khomeni's B&B don't allow late check in, I'm sure he'll be on the phone to them as I type.
OK more tomorrow hopefully.
BENNY

IRAN -DAY 1 - BENNY UPDATE
Now Playing: Grand Theft Auto
Hi everyone, this is Benny with a brief update as our man has now left the country for a short break to that fun palace called Iran.
I dropped him off at Fairoaks about 6 this morning, even though his flight wasn't leaving for about another 5 hours, as he said he wanted to "get in the queue for El Al before all those other jewboys". I'm pleased to report that he checked in OK, and actually resisted a cash offer of 50 Shekels to wait until the next flight because as per usual El Al had overbooked. I have no idea why they do that, other airlines might experience people not turning up and losing their cash but come on...when was the last time people of a certain religion did that?
So the last I saw of him was going through security and I imagine his first stop would be duty free to get some fags.
The arrangement for trying to do these updates is that he'll transmit a message to me at some stage everyday, as he doesn't want to get caught using a dodgy radio they are only going to be brief and in code. I'll decipher them and put them up here for you to read. Now I know our man likes to talk, but these updates will probably be quite brief until he gets back as unlike our man, I don't have such an all action life to pad things out. My next major job will be to put his holiday pictures up on the site, as I'll be too busy deciphering code to do much more while he's away.
So please keep dropping by every day, there will be something new to read but it won't be as long as usual.
BENNY

No Rabbi, No
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Swap Shop
Well my excitement about what Rabbi Goldberg's special project is has died down a fair bit since I learned what it was going to be about. Went round to his place last night, and instead of being introduced to a group of young toughs as their new leader, I was instead confronted with the Jewish equivalent of the WI including councillor Liebeman's wife. The Rabbi explained that the ladies want to produce a kosher version of "The Invisible Man" and with my talent for disappearing I was felt to be the ideal choice for the lead role. My first thought was that I don't want to appear in an Orson Wells play - one of the ladies said it was HG Wells but I know better. Then I thought that if they want me as the star I can make demands, after all it was the sort of thing Kirk Douglas and Sophia Loren told me they used to do. So I've told them I'll do it on certain conditions. I get a case of Pepsi Max in my dressing room. I can wear black, I get the opportunity to take out a member of the audience with a head shot, and finally the invisible man character is actually a Milk Tray delivery guy, this will allow me to combine this crap with something I do as a hobby.
The ladies were a bit taken aback, but have said they'll see if the play has the flexibility to take these changes. They'll let me know when I get back from my break.
I'm getting very excited about my little holiday now, my bags are sitting in the hallway and I've one more working day to go, then I can let my hair down, or more importantly I can attach my Hare Krishna ponytail to it. I won't be applying the black paint tonight though as I've still got to get through Fairoaks and Tel Aviv and my fake ID might not cut it there. I've made arrangements with Benny to come and pick me up in the Trabant, I was going to cycle but the bike rack at Fairoaks isn't that secure, and they object if I attach Booby traps to stop anyone from thieving it. That's one thing I will say for the old Muslims, they know how to deal with thieving Arabs...chop their bloody hands off.
I'm getting a lot of stick at work about the bed sheet cover thing, and even worse, someone gave that poof the office phone number and he's called about three times to check up on me. While it is very considerate of him, I don't need any help with my sore bits, and I'm certainly not getting in the back of his van so he can take a look. I did try the Pretzel thing but it wasn't very successful and it tasted a bit funny afterwards.
Ok, well I'm off to see Benny now to fine tune our communication efforts while I'm away. Benny is going to be in charge of this thing while I'm gone, and he is a man full of surprises so it'll be interesting to see what he gets up to.
Shalom

Stunned
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Play School
Well as you all know, I was asked to go in for a special undercover operation yesterday. So I packed all my electronic surveillance stuff (OK an old Kodak and one of those cassette recorders) into my saddlebag and of course my best black outfit and gleefully rode into work. Unusually the DTM himself met me at the door with a big smile on his face, and told me that he'd found something perfect for me to do. When he told me what it was though I wasn't too happy, although I was quite relieved I wasn't to investigate who's leaving the floaters in the bogs, I hadn't brought my toilet watching gear. No, the hospital is looking at replacing the standard NHS bedsheets with something a little different for the clients. So while it was true I was spending the day undercover, it was actually under bed covers. Now you might think that was right up my alley, but spending the day having to slip into a bed and give my opinion to some poof standing in the corner (I was worried he might want to get up my alley) is not my idea of fun. His questions like "how does that feel against your skin ducky?" are not what a highly trained brain like mine are used to dealing with, although I had to admit the 400 thread count ones from Mohammed's Mattresses were quite nice. There was the humiliation factor too as all my mates from work found an excuse to wheel past at some stage during the day...Bastards! After all this I couldn't wait to get away, some of the stuff was pretty rough, like sliding into sandpaper, and my guess is that as the NHS is a cheap operation - except where manager's paypackets, cars and luxury parking bays are concerned - they'll go with those ones. I think someone has worked out that you don't want people being too comfortable otherwise they'll never leave.
Because some of the stuff was rough I'd got a bit sore in certain places, the poof was quite willing to help me rub something in but I declined his kind offer. Us Mossad men are made of tougher stuff than that, we're not like the yanks for instance. Anyway I needed to do something so I decided to try an old Israeli cure for soreness shown to me by an old wise Rabbi when I was in basic training all those years ago. All you need is a salty Pretzel and some privacy as rubbing a Pretzel over your body is not something you do in public. Does it work? Probably not but you do get something to snack on afterwards.
Still I do have something to look forward to later, as I'm popping round to Rabbi Goldberg's place to discuss his special project. He hinted that I'll be playing a significant role in his plan, so it looks like I'll be leading a crack team of Jewish avengers, probably putting some of my old East End skills to use, and sorting out a few of the corner shops around here. I know that deep down the Rabbi has been alarmed by the reduction in Jewish shopkeepers in our area as they have been replaced by a bunch of Islamic extremists, so maybe he's decided to do something about it. I hope so as the price of fags in some of these places is extortionate and flashing my mysterious ID card doesn't get me a discount anymore. I can hardly wait, and it'll be interesting to see who'll be joining me. This looks like something Benny could come in handy for.
Shalom

Undercover operations
Mood:  suave
Now Playing: Bananas in pyjamas
Not much time to write today, got a call that the Duty Trolley Manager needs me for some sort of undercover thing. At last my talents are being recognised! I have no idea what it's about...ok I don't have any idea about lots of things...but this coupled with the little chat I'm going to be having with Rabbi Goldberg later in the week certainly means that it's back to business and a chance to show off those polished skills I have developed over the years.
My packing is completed for the Iran trip with the exception of my washbag which I'll pack at the last minute by cycling down to Mo's and seeing what I can get on the cheap. I'll need some touch up black paint that's for sure as the paint job I'll do on the special ops plane probably won't last for long if I actually wash from time to time. So it's all coming together, the last really big obstacle is the El Al check in desk at Fairoaks. It's always chaos when El Al check in, everyone is trying to get upgrades or last minute discounts, some are even angling to get bumped and get a nice bit of compo in the guise of a fistful of Shekels (Yes I know that's the title of an Israeli western), but I really need to be on that flight so I'll be setting off nice and early. You can't check in online with El Al, frequent flyer or not.
I don't leave until Thursday afternoon, but Benny has promised to try and leave you all a little something on a daily basis while I'm away which will be nice of him. I am hoping to set up a clandestine radio link with him from Tehran so I can keep you up to date with my trip, we'll see how it works. That won't happen if I can't nick the gear off of the special ops guys though.
So for once going to work looks like it might be exciting. It's very unusual for the DTM to call you in like that so it's obvious I've been specially picked for the task in hand. I don't really know him that well, we've sort of had a falling out after he caught me trying to dismantle his telephone. He really got the wrong end of the stick, and accused me of trying to play a joke on him by shoving cardboard in the mouthpiece so no one would be able to hear him. He was way off though, as I was actually trying to fit a bugging device in there, but those bloody cheap and nasty Tandy things didn't fit in there. That'll teach me for buying in their sale.
Ok, well I'd better be going, I'm off down the bank first to get some of that Iranian money, Khomeni's B&B don't take cards and charge 5 shekels a day for the privilege of staying there. A rip off if you ask me, I'm sure if I booked it myself on Expedia or something I'd have got it cheaper but as I'm not that good doing this online stuff I left it to the experts in Tel Aviv. Then to work and my undercover operation, can't wait.
Shalom

Special Projects
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Mr Benn
Well yesterday was pretty uneventful after Synagogue. My mind was racing with what Rabbi Goldberg has in mind as a special project. I have no idea what he means as I haven't been tapping his phones recently, but it's not a term he would use very often so it must be serious. He said he'll discuss it with me just before I go to Iran so maybe it's to do with that.
Talking of Iran, I'll be zipping off there this week, and I'm getting really excited about it. I'm going to do some packing today, and the first thing is my parachute as they've told me they don't have any spares in Tel Aviv. Probably won't leave much room for much else as El Al are pretty tight fisted about their hand luggage and I like to carry the thing with me in case of hijackings or anything. I'll be taking a couple of black outfits and of course my newly made Hare Krisna robes on the grounds that they are not too keen on Jews in that part of the world for some reason. Sadly I'm not going to be able to take any Milk Tray or Pepsi Max with me, I just don't have the room.
Of course when you go somewhere different, people want little souvenirs. I've already told you that councillor Liebeman wants some nice pictures of the new Mosques. Benny wants me to nick a rug from one of them, and one of the other guys has given me a challenge to fly an Israeli flag from the top of the oldest mosque in Qom. Don't know if I'll get time to do that. When I asked my mates at work if they'd like anything special, a couple of them piped up that they'd like to see me come home in a box. I was planning to fly back, but I'll check the postage costs, might be able to save myself a few dinaris, plus I can save some wear and tear on my bike if I get posted directly to the hospital. Maybe that's what Rabbi Goldberg wants to talk to me about, he wants something special from the duty free shop or something.
There are times I hate quiet weekends, you can only polish your weapon so many times. So this weekend I decided it was time to give the DVD a run out again. I haven't been watching much TV lately what with everything going on, so I decided to go down the Kosher rental store and see what I could find. I picked up a nice little box set of 'Love Boat' as I've had dreams about ships all week so I was hoping this would help me get them out of my system. Once again the title is very misleading as I thought it would be all about boats, but no. It's some crappy American thing about a cruise ship. It's a real let down let me tell you and I had to watch a few of the DVD's just to make sure, you know how sometimes they do a 4 or 5 part special about one particular boat and that's what I thought I was watching. I was hoping to learn about that Chinese Aircraft Carrier I mentioned the other day which must be pretty unique to have the only Spanish captain in the Chinese navy. I haven't been able to find out about that anywhere, so maybe it's a very hush hush alliance. I'll mention it to my contacts and see what they say.
Ok, time to cycle down to the Bagel Bake, you can't beat a hot Bagel on a Sunday.
Shalom.

Reunion Night
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Postman Pat
Well managed to locate the necessary information to attend last nights little reunion. These events are always good fun, although I'm not really a regular as I don't like to be away from the Tel Aviv hotline too long and sometimes the venue might be as far away as Stockwell. To an outsider these events would look odd. Conversation doesn't seem to be flowing, but that's because we all talk in code and you always need a few seconds to decipher what the other guy has said. Also to the uneducated it would seem as we're at a Funeral or something because we all wear the necessary black outfits. Well you don't want to be spotted lurking around the rooftops as you try to get in. I used my normal method of entry...shaped charge on the door and bang. As I mentioned yesterday this sort of thing pisses off the owners of the venue so we have to have a whip round to pay for the damage. I was really impressed with one guy last night though, he'd found a way through the sewer system and emerged from the bog! Found out later he has the nickname Faeces Man, and toilet operations are his speciality. There is a lot of one upmanship at this sort of thing too, as we all try to outdo each other with our latest gadget. I gave up on this a while ago as my deliveries from Israel aren't as frequent as they once was, I think the last thing I impressed anyone with was the number of uses you could find for Mossad issued Condoms. I didn't see anything particularly spectacular there last night but that's because I think we're all waiting for the next James Bond film to come out, that is normally pretty inspiring. It's always nice to see our much maligned industry get a glamorous boost.
Sometimes Benny accompanies me to these things, but he couldn't make it last night, said he wanted to play with his scanner. I've known Benny long enough now to realise that the old rascal is up to something, I have no idea what he's up to but I'm sure I'll discover over time.
A bit later penning this today as of course it's Saturday. Now many years ago I would have said that Saturday is Tiswas day. But my memories of Chris Tarrant and Sally James have now been blotted out by Saturday is Synagogue day. Somehow Rabbi Goldberg and Golda Liebeman (The wife of the councillor) just don't have the same attraction, and I find the whole thing quite boring. Where are the buckets of water, and even more where is The Phantom Pie flinger or whatever he was called. I know most young males used to fantasise over Sally but the Phantom Flinger was my favourite, could have had something to do with his black outfit. Anyway Rabbi Goldberg has said he wants to talk to me over the next few days about a special project. For once I'm quite interested as special projects normally mean I get the chance to dust off my gear and do some real work. I'll keep you posted.
Shalom

The glorious twelfth
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Fingerbobs
Had a bit of an awkward situation with the ginger haired geezer's quack yesterday. Apparently he was a bit upset about something someone had told him I wrote in this thing. I was impressed anybody even read it but there you go. Anyway he wanted me to make clear that the reason he has a brand new Ferrari is not because he takes backhanders writing dodgy sicknotes for Random Limp Syndrome or Variable Bad Backs, but he happened to win it at a local WI meeting. It wasn't even first prize, that was a years supply of cake mix apparently. Only too happy to set the record straight doc, and I hope he has fun at that Civil War re-enactment, don't know whether he'll be a Roundhead or Cavalier, but it's nice to know that he keeps an eye on his patient's activities.
That aside it was another uneventful day down in outpatients, but it's also one of our busier ones. Thursdays is the day they round up all the old 'uns to take them down the post office and pick up their pensions. As part of a cost cutting drive, they now drop them off at the hospital so they can be ignored by the doctors for a few hours then they pick them up. I get a bit fed up wheeling them around listening to their war stories, compared to me what they've done is small fry. I don't even know what there is to boast about in some cases, so they had a day out at the beach back in 1944...big deal.
When I got home there was a letter from Khomeni's B&B on the doorstep. Nothing dramatic, just letting me know in advance of some of the rules and regulations of the place. That's a nice touch. It tells me I'm expected to bring my own prayer rug - although I can hire one while I'm there - and expected to read from the Koran or something before I tuck into breakfast. I'll have to go down Smith's and see if I can find that on the magazine rack. Maybe it's an Iranian version of 'Hello' magazine. One thing I didn't like was the rule about removing my shoes before entering the breakfast room. Mossad issued footwear is hard to come by and I'm not having some thieving Arab run off with them. Could be a problem there. Maybe I can claim some sort of cultural difference. Anyway I'm looking forward to my stay, and I'll let you know more about it in the next few days.
Tonight is the monthly secret agent reunion, don't know where it is yet, apparently they've left the instructions in a 'dead' letter box in Tooting High Street so I'll be stopping off there on my way home. It's always nice to meet up with some of the lads, but I'm never happy about the whip round at the end to pay for broken items. We got banned from one place who wanted to know why we couldn't use their front door instead of crashing through windows, and blowing off doors. Some people just don't understand.
Shalom

A quiet day
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Bagpuss
Yesterday was quiet, very quiet, it was if everybody had got better and there was no need for a hospital anymore. Well I always take the opportunity of quiet days like these to hone my secret agent skills. I may have been one of the best that Mossad has ever had, but that doesn't mean I don't need to practice. So I spent a couple of hours trailing people, and even more time trying to tap a few phones. Then I went on the roof and made sure I'm still flexible enough to adopt those awkward sniper positions. I'm getting on a bit you know so they're getting no easier. Why didn't I spend the day with my feet up in the canteen chatting with my mates you may ask. Well I don't like to get too friendly, you never know when you're going to get the call to "take one out" and I don't mean to the pub.
After work I cycled home and stopped at Mo's discount store to see if he's got in that black paint I ordered. It's dawned on me that the weather isn't going to be good enough for me to get a nice dark tan before I go away, so I need to help the process along. Mossad scientists have developed this stuff which would be the envy of any woman looking for an instant suntan, and Mo has the right connections to get it with no questions asked. However it's not in yet, Mo said he'll give me a call when it falls off the back of a military transport...whatever that means.
I was a bit disappointed by that, stopped off at the Kosher Fried Chicken house for a takeaway, and made my way home where I polished the fastest VW in the west to kill some time. It's got a lovely paint job, although I was a bit annoyed at the large number seven someone put on the bonnet. The geezer who did it told me that he was only recognising the fact that it was the only VW Beetle to win not only the Monaco Grand Prix, but also the Indianapolis 500, so I sort of decided to stick with it. Sometimes though it seems the car has a mind of its own.
Then I went round to Benny's place. He's out of Stella now so we're drinking some stuff called 'Barbican' or something which he found down the back of his shed. He said the last owner of his house must have left it there. Can't say I'm too bloody surprised, it tastes awful and doesn't have much of a kick to it. I like to have a bit of a buzz about me when I drive home if you know what I mean, the only place this crap gives me a buzz is in my guts or maybe that was the Chicken. Anyway me and Benny spent some time going through some old pictures that he has somehow managed to get hold of. You may have already seen some of these pictures but Benny wanted to make sure I didn't have a problem with him using them. I think he's concerned about revealing my identity. There's one that takes me wayyyy back. I won't say anything as I don't want to spoil your fun, but Benny reckons he'll have time to sort them out in the next week or so.
After that I went home and had a strange dream about a Chinese Aircraft Carrier called the 'Mao Tse Tung' that had a Spanish captain. I think there's a message there somewhere.
Shalom

This Is Your Life
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Andy Pandy
You know something, that Benny is a real sneak. Once again without letting me know he's quietly slipped a new page onto the website called Pictures. He must know someone who works in the photo department at Boots as a couple of the pictures are from my private collection. At least he had the good sense to apply some security precautions before posting them. Anyway with any luck you'll all suffer those "technical difficulties" which Benny is so fond of and get those nice little red boxes with a cross in them where the pictures should be.
I slipped upstairs to the psycho ward yesterday to see how my old mate Bananaman is getting on. He seems to be doing better now, he's out of the padded cell, and they've given him a train set to play with, and according to the Ward Sister he spends all day playing with it. She says it's so sweet, he reminds her of the Fat Controller, and he's always going on about "making up the service", "we need to get that one to Golders", and "has the exam report generated yet". She doesn't have a clue what he's talking about but it keeps him quiet. One of the things that has helped in that respect is some new gear I got them to enhance security there. Some experts I know have developed some super sensitive electronic sniffing equipment, allegedly to detect explosives, I merely tweeked it a bit to sniff out Bananas, so everyone going within 100 yards of the psycho ward now has to pass through the Banana screener. It's upset a lot of people who have complained to the hospital management about a Banana ban. I'm surprised nobody's told the press yet.
Back down in Outpatients I spotted someone who looked familiar, but once again I couldn't quite make out where from. Big ginger headed geezer, has trouble with his W's or something. Anyway I had to ask one of the quacks what was wrong with him as he looked pretty fit to me. He said he has Random Limp Syndrome which is pretty hard to detect as it only strikes him within sight of Railway train yards. The Doctor concerned has been treating him for years and only recently had him on the books for a variable bad back. This particular ailment only struck him when certain items were shown to him, the Doc even showed me one of the things and it looked like a long bar to me. I thought he might be some sort of nut job, but the quack dismissed that saying he's been treating such things for years. Later I saw the same quack get into a nice top of the range Ferrari, how he can afford that I don't know, maybe he's been doing some private work.
Anyway better get going, Benny's just called and he has some more pictures he wants me to clear for public viewing.
Shalom

Mission Impossible
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Muffin The Mule
Well as hopefully you've all spotted, Benny was busy yesterday putting a guestbook thingy up on the site. He did this after I complained that I couldn't always see the comments you lot were leaving for me. Hopefully it works ok, I'm just waiting for someone to take the plunge and leave a message. Even better it gives Tel Aviv another way of leaving those coded messages asking me to save the world or Israel or something.
Talking of the world, someone reminded me at work that the World Cup of Football is taking place this year. Now as you may have read I have very fond memories of this tournament after my antics in 1966, and I'm looking to get involved this year too. Problem is my main team - Israel didn't make it so cheap tickets are not an option. I was thinking of touting the Swiss connection, but those tight fisted gits won't give me any freebies. Still in my line of work you have connections and I'm hoping that my regular helicopter pilot gets that summer job he's after with German TV, ok I'll be about 3000 feet above ground, but it'll be for free. Maybe I could cause a stir at the Final by sliding down a rope onto the pitch, done it thousands of times with the Milk Tray in my hand.
Khomeni's B&B replied to my e-mail, and I must admit to being a bit disappointed by their reply. They said they know nothing about high tech Mosques being built. You'd think they would know what's going on in their own country if even I'm aware of it. I think I'll do them a favour and take a few pics for them to put up on their walls. Be better than what they've got up already from what I've seen, some miserable old bastard in a turban and beard.
Work was pretty humdrum yesterday, I spent the day wheeling old grannies around who wanted to tell me about their grandkids and pet cats. May I say now I don't give a f***, and the only reason I don't say anything is I need this job for cover, and for somewhere to stash my Uzi. Listening to them prattle away is like listening to Bananaman but not so funny. Talking of Bananaman, I'm going to pop up and see him today, rumour has it he's almost recovered and may be released. This would be a tragedy as he's raised quite a bit of money for the hospital with his performances. Still if one psycho leaves another will take its place, and maybe laughing at these characters will prove a good earner for the hospital and save a few jobs. Failing that I'll be forced to instigate the protection racket again, you know if you don't pay up we won't change the bedsheets, some lessons from Ronnie and Reggie will never be forgotten.
Shalom

UPDATE FROM BENNY
I have started putting a link onto every page for a new guestbook feature which will allow our man's fans to interact a little. Just click on the link you'll find either at the top or bottom of the page to access it. On the Blog page you'll find it at the left hand side.
This will be on all pages by the end of the day.
Sorry about the pop up advert you'll see when you first go to it, but hey this stuff is all being done on the cheap...OK it's all free.
I also hope to have the East End page working correctly some time today, plus some new pictures which have come into my possession.
Thanks for your patience

BENNY

Monday moaning
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: The Woodentops
Well another week back at the old grindstone. I'm not working casualty this week, I'm down in outpatients wheeling old grannies around to quacks who have their pens poised over death certificates. I hate outpatients. It's noisy, I can hardly hear myself talk, and you don't get nothing dramatic down there either as everyone is capable of being sent back home, or in the case of the really old ones, being left out like the rubbish until someone remembers they're there. At least I'll be able to nip up to the psycho ward and see how old Bananaman is getting on. I missed him last week.
So yesterday I dragged myself down to Mo's discount store to see if I could get a clip on ponytail to make me look like one of these Hare Krishna types. Mo's helped me out with my disguises before, but even he is struggling with the black man with a ponytail one. All he had was blonde ones too so I guess I'll have to paint it a different colour. Someone suggested I should nip down Oxford Street during the week as there is a Hare Krishna procession down there everyday so I can really get a feel for them. Seems a good idea, and now I've managed to work out how I can get that line about Harry Rama in, it's all systems go.
Since he started to put my exploits up on the internet I've had frequent contact with Benny. He's really put out by the problems he's having with the pictures and blames the cheap software he's using. This is what happens when you buy from a stall in Brick Lane. I've promised to get him something special from Tel Aviv when I'm over there. OK it might only be a soft cheese Bagel but it'll be good. Anyway Benny reckons he'll get it sorted as he's working on something else to go up there and it won't take much effort to put things right. I hope not, I don't think he realises how much damage he is doing to my reputation. I am known worldwide for my attention to detail, look at the amount of effort I'm putting into this Iran trip, and my record for delivering boxes of Chocolates is second to none, I've never had a return yet.
No reply yet from the B&B about the new Mosques. I bet they're putting a little package together for me. You would think the Iranians would be pleased to show off their state of the art Mosque technology, but they're treating it as some sort of state secret. Still with my highly trained nose I'll be able to sniff them out from miles around, and besides I'm told that the locals flock to these things pretty regularly during the day so I'll just follow the crowd. I'm very good at blending in and making myself look invisible, I did it for years in my previous job.
One final word about the comments you may leave. It seems the system doesn't always work and I can't read all of them. If you want to make any comments it's probably easier if you e-mail me at mossadhq@hotmail.co.uk or just click on the contact link on any of the pages. Maybe I should just get Benny to put up a guestbook for people to sign, that may be easier.
Shalom