Dog Day Afternoon
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: With myself
Well spent a fair bit of my time on the phone to the homeland yesterday telling them how to deal with their little railway problem, looks like my messages got a bit garbled though, or at least a crossed line. When I asked for some air support I meant that I wanted to see some pictures from a helicopter of the scene of the derailment, not take out a few Arabs on the Gaza strip. Anyway no big deal, all's well that ends well.
Controversy at the hospital as the new rule sharing trolleys comes into effect. I jealously guard my one has it has been heavily customised. If you ever visit you'll spot my trolley straight away. Chrome wheels specially imported from the US, a go faster stripe, and I had it painted with that stuff the Yanks paint their spy planes in so it's not so easy to pick up on Radar. All that plus an Uzi holder. I don't want one of those boring ones painted standard hospital Grey and nothing else. I've now resorted to taking it home with me, and I did get a few strange looks on the way home yesterday I can tell you. Some people thought I was doing a charity thing and kept throwing money at me, makes a change from bottles I suppose. Does slow me down a bit as well, as my specially designed racing bike wasn't really planned with towing a hospital trolley in mind.
Benny's behaviour grows ever more eccentric. I called round his place last night and his mum told me he was down the Library. Sure enough when I got down there he was sitting with a pile of books, apparently he had cleared out their Third Reich section. Now I'm all for Benny doing a little research into his latest clothing project, but I think he's getting a bit too wrapped up in this one. Even more disconcerting was the fact that he has taken to wearing a Brown shirt all the time according to his mum, although the main gripe from her is that he tends to throw it in with the whites and screws up her laundry. At least he is still respectful of the Library rules and was keeping his music to himself on his Ipod. When I asked him what he was listening to he said some geezer called Horst Wessel or something. Must be one of those Pop Idol contestants I've never heard of.
Because of this I missed the World Cup, but no problem as Trinidad weren't playing. I'm getting all psyched up for the big clash with Paraguay next week, although I believe they're playing England soon. I'm not too bothered about that match though as it'll be a walkover. Anyway must get going, got to polish the chrome on my trolley.

Shalom

Benny
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Doctors and Nurses
Strange day yesterday, sat back and watched some more of the World Cup. The more I see, the more convinced I am about my sweepstake team who I'm told will be playing England some time this week. Great, three more easy points for T&T and maybe the papers will shut up about Wayne and Co. It was too hot for the poor dears in Frankfurt, they should try cycling up a mountain when it's 100 degrees, or stake out an Egyptian foxhole wearing 100 lbs of kit when it's 120, then they can complain...f***ing fairies!
Got a phone call from Benny's mum last night and she is really worried about him. He got home about 8pm and was dropped off in what she claimed was a tank. So she asked me if I'd have a word. So I donned my best cycling clips, hopped onto my fastest bike and dashed around there. When I got there Benny was standing outside, drill in hand and looking at the front door of his house. His greeting was a little unusual too "Ah Der Juden" was how he said hello. I asked him what he was up to and he said he'd been away with a few friends of his to a little summer camp outside Bognor. He`really wants to win their clothing contract so he thought he'd find out what their tastes really are, that way he can come up with a winning design. He came back with a few souvenirs and he said he really liked this plaque and wanted to get it up straight away. "Arbeit Macht Frei" it said. Now Benny isn't the brightest Dinari in the pile, but even he should know that for a Jewish bloke that isn't really considered very tasteful. So I persuaded him not to put it up immediately, and have a drink instead. He apologised for having no Schnapps, but we found an old Watney's Party Seven in one of his cupboards and settled for that. What he told me alarmed me a little, more for the fact he seems to really enjoy their company. Turns out all Benny has to do is go down the local library and get out some books about 1930's Germany and he'll have all the designs he needs. He did wonder if Mo's discount store might have a few old patterns knocking about somewhere, but I told him probably not. Apparently the first big contract Benny looks like he'll get from them is for a case of stick on foreskins. His new friends don't want anyone to miss out on the fun, but this particular item is a requirement. Benny did invite me to their next get together - or rally as he called it - but I think I'll decline his kind offer. I need to keep a closer eye on him for a while that's for sure.
Back at the Hospital and all is very mundane. I've got the job of wheeling the stiffs down to the mortuary again this week, although the quacks have told my boss they don't want me anywhere near ICU or Geriatrics unless they need the beds in a hurry. They complain that all the extra paperwork that gets generated when I'm about stops them from doing what Doctors do best, namely drinking, smoking, and trying to get the new nurse into the linen cupboard for an internal examination. Understandable I guess, although not so sure why one of them tries it on with the male nurses. Maybe they have a sweepstake for that and he just gets unlucky.
Anyway better cut this short, my Star of David pager is going off, must be something up in the homeland.

Shalom

UPDATE: Seems there has been a train derailment back home, at last I can put my experience of covering things up to great use.

Trinidad and Tobago to win World Cup
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Cowboys and Indians
Well what did I tell you. The mighty Trinidad and Tobago took their first step to World Cup glory, and the 100 shekel sweepstake will be mine in a months time. I had a great time setting up the TV in my Operations centre at home just in case the phone from Tel Aviv rang. The Jacob Marley stuff booming out from my Ghetto blaster must have been like when the Yanks did that geezer in Panama with all that Bucks Fizz and Abba stuff all those years ago. All in all a great day, and what about England? Well that's three points next week for my lot no problem.
Tried to get hold of Benny yesterday, but his mum told me he has gone away for the weekend with his new friends. She said she is a bit worried about him as she has started watching these tapes of some bloke with a strange Moustache. All in black and white they are, and in a funny language. She knows it's not English, maybe it's something like Urdu or something. He has also started taking an extreme amount of interest in polishing the new footwear he has just got. Apparently he got them from a store called Jack's Boots or something. Never heard of it, maybe it's one of those trendy stores in Kennington that I've heard about. Anyway she wants me to talk to him when he gets back.
Today I'm going to sit back and watch more football, and dreaming of how I'm going to spend my winnings.

Shalom

Just a quickie
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Rolf's Cartoon Club
Sorry for the late update today, Saturday is synagogue day of course, plus I'm planning to watch some of this World Cup stuff. When you've got money riding on something you like to watch where it's going.
I must say I was a bit upset and felt let down when I discovered that I didn't have two teams to watch. It turns out that Trinidad and Tobago can't rustle up 11 players each and have combined forces for their assault on the trophy. Alliances in Football, what next? I bet if Israel ever make the finals there would be an Arab alliance turning up just to make sure they didn't make it very far. Anyway I'm trying to get into the spirit of things. My Football knowledge is unrivaled, and I've learned that England, Sweden and Paraguay will be facing the mighty Trinidad and Tobago. Well England is three points in the bag, that big lanky streak of piss called Michael Owen won't present much of threat. I'm more concerned with Sweden and Paraguay to tell the truth. So after Synagogue this morning I popped down B&Q and got a couple of palm trees, then it was to Mo's discount store where I found some Jacob Marley Reggae stuff in the discount bin. I'm all set now although I'll draw the line at the funny fags, I'll stick with my trusty B&H.
The Goldberg's have gone on holiday which means I can drop the Danny La Rue stuff for a little while. I don't know where they've gone, so I'll be hacking into the Home Office computer later on to check up on them.
As for Bananaman at the hospital. Well it looks like the treatment is working as he seems to be losing his fear of Bananas. In fact the psycho people have got him used to calling them that "Bent Yellow Fruit" and it doesn't seem to worry him anymore. So there's a chance he'll be released soon. My only concern is who will plan the train service on the psycho ward train set if he goes. Probably do it myself, my previous undercover experience means I can do it blindfolded.
One notable absentee from Synagogue this morning was Benny. I'm getting more and more worried about him. I'll cycle round later on to see what he is up to.
OK, time to cheer on the mighty Trinidad and Tobago.

Shalom

World Cup Fever
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: Jackanory
This week has been an extremely quiet one all round, and sometimes it's hard to find something to write about, even for someone like me who can't normally shut up.
I had a result in the World Cup sweepstake we've got going in the hospital. I drew Trinidad and Tobago which meant I got two teams for the price of one so my chances are much improved. I don't know why the other guys were so keen to get the likes of Argentina, Brazil or even England. Still when I get a chance, I'll be checking to see when Trinidad and Tobago are going to be on the box, hopefully their matches won't clash and I'll be able to watch them both.
Spoke to Benny last night. He's been really tied up with these clothing deals I told you about, and may I say has been spending time with some really dubious company. I learned that he's been out drinking with that Mach Kenna bloke from the election who reckoned they could make a killing on some retro stuff from the 1930's. According to this bloke, lots of people want stuff from that era, particularly from Germany. All Benny has to do is knock up a few old uniforms. The workmanship doesn't have to be too good - if they are falling apart it adds to the authenticity - which appeals to Benny as he can get in some really cheap labour. Mach Kenna will either tout it out on Ebay, or visit certain little get togethers around the country and sell it for a high price. Benny asked me if I knew what was meant by the colour SS black as that is the colour in most demand. I'm not sure I want to get involved in this, doesn't strike me as too legal, and while some of my activities in the past have strayed the wrong side of the legal line that has been in the defence of Israel/Switzerland.
I am a bit concerned as Benny seems to be neglecting the website because of all this stuff and told him so. Benny likes money like any person would, but I have an army of people who want to know more about me. So I extracted a promise from him that he'll get something new up in the next day or so.
Not much else to write about today, as of yet we've had no interesting stuff wander off the streets and into the hospital, still a few hours to go so maybe we'll get something nice and weird to wheel about.

Shalom

NHS woes
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: Thunderbirds
Well I loved the story I heard on the radio this morning. One more of those Muslim cranks less. Looks like the advice I give the US Air Force (in exchange for cheap petrol for the fastest VW in the west) is finally paying off. I've been telling them for ages that if you want to deal with these people you have to use Jewish pilots, after all they know more about killing Arabs than anyone else.
The news did brighten my mood up a bit as things are not going so well down at the hospital. The NHS problems with money are all over the papers, and despite our importance, us trolley pushers are not immune to them. We all got summoned to a meeting when we got in, meant we had to leave people lying on trolleys in the corridor, but to be honest I think people like to have that happen to them, gives them something to bleat about to the press. Anyway looks like someone has been probing the expenses of our department and they don't like what they've found. We are going to have to explain a recent large order for Pepsi Max and Milk Tray which has been placed. Just goes to show how out of touch these blokes in management are. These items are not only essential in the world of secret agents. Pushing a trolley about is energy draining work and we need it to make sure we don't crash out on the floor. OK I get to take the surplus home, but that's a perk of the job. A little harder to explain was the bill for servicing a couple of Uzis. Now I kept a bit quiet there as I'm the only one who has that attachment on my trolley, but I might have to find another way of getting that done for free. Finally the hospital helicopter looks like it's been used for purposes other than transporting sick people about. Now I don't know about you, but that's a pretty expensive item that spends a hell of a lot of time sitting on the roof doing absolutely nothing, so I've been subbing it out to interested parties when things are slack. This though has caused problems as the maintenance and fuel bills are much higher than expected. I'm pretty glad they can't trace it back to me though, I might get in trouble. The upshot of this little exercise is that there will be cutbacks, and it looks like that instead of having individual, customised trolleys like we do now, we're going to have to start sharing them. This was a particularly alarming piece of news. As you all know I've put special wheels, an Uzi holder, and a go faster stripe on mine, and I'll be buggered if I'm going to share that with everybody else. So it looks like I'll have to start taking it home with me to make sure it stays in my hands. The other blokes didn't seem too bothered by the news though, but then they don't go in for customising as much as me.
I've been asked if Bananaman is still with us, and the news is that he is, but he is so doped up at the moment that he just sits in the corner staring into space. Apparently a couple of the political parties are showing an interest in him, as in his current state he would make an ideal MP. I must pop up there and see what they're giving him, it's not as much fun with him like that.
Anyway better get going and make sure I keep a close eye on the fastest trolley in the NHS.

Shalom

Football Crazy
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Play Away
Life is really slow at the moment. I did manage to reply to the "concerned Jew" complaint and hopefully that'll be the last I see of him, otherwise he'll find me tapping his phone calls, reading his e-mail, and building up a profile of his daily behaviour so I can take him out at my leisure. Of course if I find out he lives in the USA I won't bother, the CIA and FBI are probably doing it already.
Seems that the whole world is going football crazy at the moment. One of the lads at work got told off for flying an England flag on his trolley, apparently he put it in the slot where they like to hook up the IV drip thing so one of the quacks here complained. Miserable git, losing a couple of clients is no big deal, and it would all be forgotten about if England were to win. I of course am trying to remain above all of this stupidity. Mainly because Israel didn't make it, and despite all of their millions neither did Chelsea. I will be taking a passing interest in Switzerland though, as one of my passports claims that that is one of the many nationalities I have. Staying on the subject who is this geezer Wayne I hear everyone fretting about? My mates at work seem very worried about him, and the big news is he is having a scan done on his foot. Big deal, they do loads of scans at the hospital everyday and nobody bats an eyelid.
For those of you interested in history, today is the 25th anniversary of the day I bombed that place in Iraq. Now I know I mentioned it the other day, but I'm hoping that if I push it enough on here, I might get an invite to the big reception they're having in the homeland next month. Even if it's only pushing the drinks trolley about I'd love to be there and put everyone straight. Of course though this partly depends on the date, I might be getting ready to cycle around France by then. Benny has set up a cycling team - something to do with his income tax - called Team Benny. As I'm the only person he knows who can ride a bike he asked me to lead it. It'll be great to take on the best in the sport again, and show how good Israel can be at a sport if it puts its mind to it. I have after all been King Of The Mountains many years running in the Tour Of Cricklewood, and if I can handle the wheelchair ramps at IKEA, the Pyrenees and Alps are mere speed bumps.

Shalom

I have received a complaint
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: The Muppet Show
There I was yesterday laying on my trolley during a quiet spell at work when I thought I heard music. Sure enough it was the theme tune from "Schindler's List" which meant it was Benny on the phone. He seemed quite upset. He said he'd been working away on something new for the website, and while checking that the links worked he noticed a new entry in the guestbook. He said I'd need to check it out.
So after I got home last night I logged on to see what he was on about and there it was...someone has complained about the content of this blog. Now call me suspicious but it has all the hallmarks of a wind up but I could be wrong. I'm not going to use this blog to address this person's concerns, but I'll reply to them in the guestbook itself. If you want to know what I'm on about take a peek at the guestbook, and if you have any comments about it, leave them there or if you feel moved enough send me an e-mail.
Anyway I don't want to dwell too much on that, even though yesterday was a slow day as far as activity was concerned. I'm on general duties at the hospital this week which means I get to do a lot of wheeling about, one minute I'm taking someone up to X-Ray, next minute I've got to take some OAP to the bog because they've crapped themselves. Now you might think I enjoy the variety that this brings, but I don't. With my background in the secret agent business I like to be able to plan everything in advance, and this particular job assignment doesn't allow me to do that as I don't know where I'll be at what time. Even my fag breaks are disrupted although I've found a spot round by the bins where my hospital pager doesn't work, now all I've got to do is work out a way to stop the smoke rising and I'll be OK. Maybe I could get one of those blankets like that little geezer had in "Lord Of The Rings" you know the one that makes you invisible. I'll have to make some discreet enquiries, maybe Mossad are working on one, if they are it'd better be fireproof.
Mrs Goldberg called last night, and wants me to do some research on the songs of Danny La Rue. I'm not sure if she wants me to break the code he used, or just wants me to learn the messages off pat. The more I learn about this bloke the more fascinated I get about him. For years he pranced up and down a stage, done up like a woman, belting out his secret messages in public. That's a pretty brazen way to run an operation, and could explain why nobody ever got suspicious. I don't have much time for the French as you know, but this guy is a real hero. I'm going to start a campaign to get a statue of him put up somewhere.
OK, let me reread this complaint and probably reply to it.

Shalom

Memories
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: The Adventures of Morph
Back to work today, you may have noticed that I rarely work weekends, I manage to avoid doing that on religious grounds claiming that as an orthodox Jew I'm not allowed to work on Saturdays. Now some of my more jovial colleagues will claim that that is no different from any other day of the week, but as a lot of what I do is undercover how would they know. I bet none of them could have solved the Bagel bake case as quickly as me.
Scanning the Internet I came across something on the BBC news website that brought back some very fond memories for me. It reminded me that 25 years ago I bombed the crap out of some nuclear reactor in Iraq at some place called Osirak. I remember it as if it was yesterday. At the time I was working undercover on London's Underground system, I can't remember exactly what my cover was exactly, I seem to recall having these large things in my hand that someone said went against the wheels, anyway I got the call at work that I was needed to fly a special mission so could I pop down and do it for them. No problem, one of the good things about my Underground experience was that disappearing for a few days at a time didn't raise suspicion. So I made out I was blind or something, strapped on my jet pack and flew down to Israel. The exact tactics of the operation are still a great secret, but the story put out is that 8 planes were involved. I can exclusively reveal that that is not really true. I remember that in an attempt to keep losses to a minimum, and in an environmentally friendly move that was ahead of its time, we used a single hot air Balloon with a couple of water bombs hanging from underneath it. The Hot Air Balloon was self fueling, all I had to do from time to time was talk into a pipe. Just to make sure they knew it was us the Balloon was done up with a big Israeli flag. To cut a long story short I used the water bombs to deadly effect, from a height of 30,000 feet and just using my eyesight I successfully hit the nuclear power plants fusebox, shorting out the electricity supply to the place. We knew they'd never be able to repair the damage as they'd sent home the electrician the week before, and our intelligence told us that they couldn't afford the call out charge to get him back. Of course to make it seem like a success for the Israeli Air Force they maintain the place was truly bombed and have a reunion every year for the pilots involved, not many people know the truth, and I was sworn to secrecy
Anyway, fond memories indeed, I see the BBC are allegedly running a few stories about it this week, so I'll be keeping an eye on it, and will correct the story as necessary.

Shalom

Oh my aching head
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: John Craven's Newsround
Bit of a wild session with Benny last night, we must have polished off at least two cans of Carlsberg, then I got stopped by the Police while cycling home. No problem there though, one sight of my mysterious ID card and I was waved on my way.
My head feels like the Hindenburg when it blew up, I was once the best drinker in Mossad, I could handle a can of Special Brew without showing any obvious effects, but those days have gone now and it doesn't take much to send me over the edge. Also means that I struggle to get out of bed after a session, hence the late update to this.
So what did Benny and I discuss last night? Well as I said yesterday he has been approached by a rather controversial clothing company to design a new fashion collection. Apparently Benny had sent them some sketches he'd drawn, and they liked the stripiness of it. They've decided to call it the "Auschwitz Collection", and they really thought the way it could be customised to suit certain social groupings with symbols like yellow stars and pink triangles was really cool. Now call me a fool if you like but I think Benny got the idea from somewhere else, he does have a rather worrying taste for 1930's German history so maybe he drew his inspiration from that.
We also talked about his lack of progress on the website, I really thought he'd have got my holiday pictures up by now, but as he said he has been busy lately. Anyway he has said not only will he get the holiday pictures up this week, he'll also have a bit of a surprise for me. I can't wait, Benny's surprises are always something special.
Whilst there I thought I'd quiz him on his kosher DIY book he'd mentioned the other night as it was the first I'd heard of it. He said it was a brand new idea, and changing the light bulb was the first project he was working on. Other chapters will include 101 things you can fix with a stale Bagel, and more importantly how you can get these Bagels for free.
Talking of Bagels I'm going to have to cut this short as I'm late getting in my Sunday Bagel ration. The Bagel Bake has reopened after last weeks crime, and I figure they owe me big time for solving the case so quickly, regardless of what the top brass back in Tel Aviv think.

Shalom

Dressed up to the nines
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The Tweenies
So last night off I skied to the residence of Rabbi Goldberg for the first meeting proper of the Production team for Israel's answer to Danny La Rue. I must admit I am a little uncomfortable with the whole idea, all my research hasn't uncovered anything all action about this French bloke at all. It doesn't even look as if he's ever delivered a box of Milk Tray, let alone drink a can of Pepsi Max. In fact from what I can tell, the geezer's a raving poof who dressed up in women's clothes. Still when you think about it, it's a fantastic cover and it was obviously never broken which says a lot.
So yesterday Mrs Goldberg wanted to discuss the outfits. Now with my Hollywood background I would have thought we should work out the storyline first, then do the wardrobe bit later, but she was adamant. When I talk to Kirk (Douglas) later on I'll have to see what he thinks. Anyway she pulled out a load of dresses and asked me to try them on. Now in my time I've had to wear lots of disguises, but I've never been done up as a woman, but I guess when you're portraying one of France's most successful spies you have to look the part. The ladies seemed to love it, and I swear there was the flash of a camera at some stage, but it could also have been some sort of sniper's aiming device - there are a lot of people out there who would like to put a bullet in me. Mrs Liebeman made a comment that my legs were a bit too hairy and that I'd have to shave them. Strangely enough I wouldn't find that a chore, I used to keep them shaved when I was doing the Tour De France, Tour of Spain that sort of thing, reduced the wind drag. Do you know I was the first Jew to be King of The Mountains? I admit though that I got a bit scared when she said I'd have to be fitted for a corset. My good old Mossad issued Jockey shorts are fine by me. The whole evening was great fun for the ladies, and at the end of it I was told that next week we'll work out the material. At last I'll finally find out what acts of international daring this bloke actually did. Maybe councillor Liebeman has been digging into some files to which I don't have access.
As I left I bumped into Benny and I was surprised to see him there. He said he had just popped round to change a light bulb, but when pressed as to why he had his camera with him, he admitted he was working on a kosher DIY manual and was taking pictures of the whole process step by step. He has been busy lately so he was probably just taking the opportunity while it was there. Apparently some other group has now been in touch with him and want him to design a clothing line after seeing his tee shirts, but he would tell me more about it later as he had to get home and process the pictures he'd just taken. We're going to meet up after Synagogue tomorrow and share a drink. It'll be nice to do that, and I'll find out what progress he's making with my holiday snaps. I could have had them done at Boot's quicker but Benny is cheaper.

Shalom

Air Strikes
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Rainbow
Well yesterday was not a total success as i got a couple of ticking offs. First off I got a phone call from some general in the homeland who told me that the days of framing Arabs for crimes that didn't commit are over. I was amazed at this, my investigation of the Bagel Bake theft met all the usual Mossad standards. He then told me that as Israel enjoys such good relations with the UK, my suggestion of Air strikes on the Edgware Road, parts of Newham and Tower Hamlets was regarded as not very intelligent. These bloody officers are going soft, in the old days he would have ended up with a bullet in the back of his head if you know what I mean. Anyway it looks like the Bagel Bake thing is over as they found the documents behind a sack of flour in the Bakery.
How's this for gratitude on the part of the hospital. The Duty Trolley Manager called me in and accused me of skiving off work for the day. Clueless these people. He reckons that if I had Ebola I'd probably be dead by now. What does he know, I told him that I had that 24 hour Ebola that had been going around, and if we didn't employ so many bloody Africans then we wouldn't have that problem. Looks like I might be in trouble for that remark, he says he is going to send me for special training, and it's not the sort of special training I'm used to. F***ing pen pushers, got no idea what it's like to be on the front line.
Spoke to Benny last night too. Apparently the Auschwitz Tee Shirts went down a storm at the local BNP rally, and Benny has been offered an honorary membership of the branch if he can produce some more like it. I told him to get in touch with that candidate from the local elections last month, I'm sure he would be very helpful in that department. He was also complaining about the plumber he'd hired from the classified ads. Kept getting the Gas and Water pipes mixed up. Benny admitted he'd been a bit worried when he saw the glasses the geezer was wearing, like the bottom of bottles he said. That's one thing about Benny, he does like to help out the more disadvantaged of society, in this case a half blind plumber. It also helps that they normally come dirt cheap.
Tonight I have to go and see Mrs Goldberg and Mrs Liebeman who if you remember want me to do a show as the famous French agent Danny La Rue. They want to discuss my material and show me some of the outfits I'll be wearing. As long as there is a nice little black number among them I won't mind. Black is a particularly fetching colour on me, at my last workplace one of the women in the office used to droll whenever I wore it.

Shalom

The Brick Lane Bagel Bakery Heist.
Mood:  sharp
Now Playing: Crackerjack
Sorry about the one day break, but everything happened so quickly that, as I said, I didn't have time to get hold of Benny to fill in for the day.
The seriousness of this crime cannot be underestimated, I did work at the Bagel Bake myself during the 1960's so was picked for this mission as I have the necessary inside knowledge of the place. Hospital was a bit pissed off as I called in sick with Ebola or something, looked good in the medical dictionary and it means I can take the rest of the week off sick.
I was picked up by helicopter at Fairoaks and flown up to Tower Hamlets. We used the landing pad on the roof of The Royal London Hospital which was a bit of luck really as it was discovered that my jabs weren't up to date, requirements for visiting Tower Hamlets are quite strict, it has an exotic feel in more ways than one. After injecting myself with the necessary vaccines it was onto the specially arranged racing bike and off to Brick Lane. If you haven't been to this part of the world recently it really is a shock, and I thought initially that I'd ended up in Southall. But seeing the Blind Beggar - the scene of that famous night with my mate Ronnie - I knew I was on the right track. The Bagel Bake has been in the same spot for years though and as I approached the junction of Brick Lane and Bethnal Green Road I saw it all lit up (It's open 24 hrs you know). Some of the locals seemed a bit miffed about the tape with Hebrew writing on it that was blocking their path, but this was a crime against the Jewish State and Mossad weren't about to let a load of Islamic extremists sully the evidence. Flashing my strange - but powerful - ID card I entered the shop and saw a very tasty looking Salt Beef Bagel in the cabinet there and realised I hadn't had breakfast so picked it up and while chewing away scanned the scene for clues. Now you lot might have seen the Yankee programme CSI with all their fancy gadgets and wearing those paper overalls, silly paper slippers etc. Us down in Mossad don't go in for all that crap. We are so highly trained we can just look at a scene and know what evidence we'll find, we don't need to document it either, we all have photographic memories. OK most of the photographs involve some sort of Arab but that's not the point. I immediately worked out what had happened. For some time we have had evidence that Hamas have jealously coveted the Bagel Bake and have wanted their own branch down on the West Bank for years. It's a widely held belief that for all these years they have wanted Palestinian independence. However those of us in certain circles know this is Bullshit. In reality they have wanted their own Bagel Bake and the Israeli government have always refused to give in. They had obviously broken in and stolen the recipe so they could set up their own independent shop. With the motive so obvious, the whole thing was now a piece of cake, (or a piece of Bagel as we like to say) so I began to plant the necessary evidence. Now why would I do that you may ask. Well some of these criminals are experts and don't leave much lying around so we have to recreate the scene for them. I always carry around a few PLO/Hamas cards, and maybe a scrap of a Palestinian flag for such an occasion. All we had to do now was round up a couple of Arabs, make sure they had the recipe in their pockets, and the case was solved. Using the phone from the Bagel bake I contacted Tel Aviv, told them to order a couple of air strikes as revenge, and satisfied with my days work could make my way home, as some of the lower minions will get their hands dirty down the Edgware Road to find a couple of Arab looking geezers to bump off for the crime.
As I cycled back I really wondered why it had been left to me to sort out. It was all glaringly obvious and could have been left to a more junior operative. Maybe they think I needed the practice. Anyway because I'd sorted it out so quickly I can go back to work earlier than thought. That'll look good, only one day off for Ebola, what a trooper I am.
Shalom

A phone call from Tel Aviv
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Noel's House Party
Late last night the phone rings, much to my amazement it's the Tel Aviv hotline. I am to call in sick at work, make my way to Fairoaks and board a specially chartered plane to a secret meeting. Apparently someone has stolen the secret recipe used at the Brick Lane Bagel Bake.
This is serious stuff, and is being done at such short notice that I haven't even been able to contact Benny and ask him to look after things here.
I'll be back on Thursday - which I believe is June 1st - with the next update. I hope to be able to report more about the Bagel Bake theft then.

Shalom

Danny La Rue
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Dora The Explorer
Spent yesterday doing some research on this French geezer that Mrs Goldberg and Mrs Liebeman want me to play in the synagogue production and may I say I am not happy one little bit. Seems this particular spy dressed up in women's clothing and used to give out his coded messages in song. "On Mother Kelly's Doorstep" what the f*** is that about? I've checked through all the code books and still can't decipher it. So while I think he might have batted for the other side so to speak, I have great respect for his unbreakable code so will swallow my pride (although I'm sure Mr La Rue has swallowed less desirable things than that) and agree to perform the part of this master spy. If I can persuade them not to dress me up as a woman all the better though, that might damage my image.
I have finally passed on all my holiday pictures to Benny who is hoping to do some work on them later this week. Benny has been pretty busy in the last couple of weeks though as that new film "The Da Vinci Code" has got all the religious freaks worked up and is creating a bit of a boom in the religious souvenir tat world as they all look to show how much they love Jesus. From Benny's point of view it's a double blessing as he can now get rid of all those old Last Supper prints where a misprint had put Madonna sitting next to Jesus. The non religious types apparently think Learnado Da Vinci was passing on a secret message. Sometimes I think Benny's business can be a little tasteless though, he recently sent a job lot of Tee Shirts over to Poland to coincide with the Pope's visit there. I found the "I Survived Auschwitz" and "Auschwitz Survivor number 666" in particular bad taste. It was only a copyright thing that stopped him producing Tee Shirts with the logo of that American reality show on them.
I know today is a day off for most of you reprobates, but for us hard working individuals in the NHS it's just another day. Actually Bank Holidays are a bit quieter and I intend to polish my trolley and maybe fit new tyres to it. I tend to wear out the tyres on my trolley quicker than most as I try to burn other trolleys off at the lift door, preferably leaving a trail of smoke. Must admit it doesn't always work though, the patients get a bit scared and leave a trail of something else. Still not my problem, we have illegals to clean that sort of thing up. My big decision of the day, Pirellis, Goodyear or should I fit the cheapo ones I found in the skip outside Kwik Fit. Always big decisions for a man of my stature.
Shalom

A LAughing Stock
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Scooby Do
Yesterday was one of those days you just want to forget. When I got to the synagogue yesterday everyone was pointing at me and laughing away. Benny tells me that Coucillor Liebeman has been telling them that I think Glasgow is part of Iran, and even he thinks I might be wrong. To tell the truth I don't give a f***, I know where I went and that's all there is to it.
Anyway to compound my misery I had to meet up with the wives of the Councillor and Rabbi to discuss their special project. They've been giving the whole thing some thought since I've been away, and have had to change their original idea as doing a stage production of James Bond is thought to be too expensive due to the cost of gadgets, even though we have a cheap source of used ones from Tel Aviv. So now they're thinking about a more family orientated and obviously cheaper production. In fact it will be a one man show and I'm the one man. They've decided to do a thing based on some geezer called Danny La Rue. Now as you know I am no fan of the French, I don't even speak the language, so the whole idea doesn't thrill me at all. I've been given a few websites to look at so I can research my new role, but it's clear from my search of a certain database in Tel Aviv that this guy must have been some sort of master spy as Mossad don't have a file on him. What makes Mrs Goldberg think I'll find him on the Internet is another thing but I'll give it a try.
Good to see the lads in the Israeli Air Force doing something for the holidays and getting some practice in. I would have been down there with them but I knew I had this pressing engagement at the Synagogue. You may have seen the pictures of me on Benny's website and it is true that when I wasn't creeping around on rooftops, trying to get pictures of prominent politicians in compromising positions for blackmail purposes, I did fly a mission or two, took out three Egyptian fighters with one bullet once, a record nobody has been able to better since.
Anyway better see what Mrs Goldberg wants me to do

Shalom

A disagreement with Councillor Liebeman
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Magpie
Spent yesterday evening with Councillor Liebeman and by the time I left my ears were ringing. It turns out he wasn't too pleased with my report back from Iran, in fact he reckons I never made it to Iran at all but merely ended up in Glasgow. I strongly disagreed with him, after all it was me who had to contend with the language difficulties, the different culture, and the strange food. I don't like to criticise such a powerful man like the Councillor, but how would he know what Iran is like, he's never been there. It seems he's another one of these people who believe what they read in books and newspapers, I've had first hand experience and am also well travelled around the world, did you know I've visited more than 100 countries?
Anyway once Benny gets his act together you can judge for yourself, once you've seen the pictures you will see that the place I went to was so backward that there is no way it can be in the UK, and unlike me who always speaks the truth, the Councillor is talking out of his arse.
Yesterday I remember telling you that I was going to seek out those mosques - the pictures of which were eagerly awaited by people back home. Well from asking around I discovered that unlike other parts of the Muslim faith who worship on Fridays, worship here is done on a Saturday, and whilst Sunni and Shi'ite are the most well known differences in the religion it appears that in the Qurbals there are radically different splinter groups which are easily identified. If you belonged to one group you wore a distinct white and green top, if you belonged to the other it was blue. Any attempt at trying to work out the difference was normally met with aggression and due to the language barrier I decided not to get involved. One strange thing did happen though, as I walked down the street chanting my Hare Krishna song I always generated a small procession of individuals. They did follow me around for a while until I popped into a McDonald's for a Big Mac (I was opting for safety in the food department). I also managed to get pictures of the two main mosques, and it is these that have upset the Councillor.
The trip sort of petered out from there, so I won't write much more about it, but thinking about it some of the guys at work made the same remarks as the Councillor which just tells me how deep rooted ignorance is about that strange land.
Saturday as you know by now is Synagogue day and I'm dreading going as if you remember I'm being roped in to some sort of production the wives of Rabbi Goldberg and Councillor Liebeman are putting together. I don't mind acting having rubbed shoulders in the past with such names as Kirk Douglas, Sophia Loren and Ena Sharples. I was also special advisor to George Lazenby when he appeared in that James Bond movie he did. His whole role was based on an old Israeli spy I knew and George played it to perfection. Unfortunately it was just too realistic for the producers who if I remember correctly got some Scottish geezer to do the role next. Typical Hollywood, they hate realism. Anyway I'll learn more today about what I'll be expected to do, I guess because of my background I'll be playing the suave, sophisticated agent in black.
OK, Benny's outside with the Trabant better go.
Shalom

Fried Mars Bars
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Hector's House
Made it back to work yesterday, and I've got the post holiday blues. After the events of the last week pushing a trolley around hospital corridors just doesn't cut it. I really need a world crisis to break out so I can truly use my talents, I know you lot all think that being a secret agent is like being James Bond but I have to tell you he is a little exaggerated, we don't all get Aston Martins to play with, for instance one of my recent Mossad issued cars was a Renault, great for undercover work but not very glamorous.
Anyway let me continue with my holiday tale. Things were not going to plan, I'd been pushed out of the plane over a different part of Iran than was scheduled, and had managed to book my self into the Hotel Teflon. My main concern that night was that I'd lose my deposit not only for Khomeni's B&B, but also for my pre-booked Donkey as it was obvious I wouldn't need them here. I settled into my room, not too bad, at least it had a sink and a mini bar which was not very imaginatively stocked, mainly Gin with a few Scotch Whiskys. I was surprised as I thought the Iranians didn't drink so you do learn something new everyday. I decided that it was important that I got to know the area so I scurried off into the street, feeling uncomfortable in my orange robes but not looking too out of place. Iran is remarkably British you know, must have something to do with the old colonial days. The people in the Quarbals speak a form of English although it is with a heavy accent. I was stunned to see what looked like bars on every corner and made up my mind to sample one of them during my stay. Tonight though I had to check out the local cuisine, and while I was expecting sheep's eyes and all sorts of weird stuff, it turns out that in this part of Iran they still enjoy good old fashioned British food. I could get a Cod and Chips among other things. I decided to try a local delicacy a fried Mars Bar. The shop owner did get a bit upset when I tried to use the Iranian cash I'd brought with me, but he calmed down a bit and offered to give me a Glasgow kiss, something I declined as I'm not gay. In the end he settled for British cash, which I figured he would change later on on the black market. All the time I was noting things down in my fine tuned brain, all this was vital intelligence I was gathering, and apart for a few stares, the disguise was working brilliantly as nobody had worked out I was Jewish. So my first day in Iran wasn't turning out too badly, tomorrow I'd go hunting for the Mosques.
Well I'll stop it there for today, don't want to overdose you too much, plus I have been summoned to see councillor Liebeman as he wants to hear all about my trip and see my photos and I'm well known to be more than happy to tell all. It's nice to know someone is interested, my mates at work cleared the room when I started to talk about it.
Shalom

Late Today
Now Playing: Vision On
Bit late doing this today, spent last night with Benny telling him about the trip and explaining the communication failures. Still had some fun going through the pictures I took, and hopefully Benny will find time to put some of them up on the site over the next few days.
Anyway let me continue on with my tale of the trip, I think I got to the point where the Special Ops guys pushed me out of the plane.
As I said the whole thing took me by surprise, I normally have lightening quick reactions but I reckon I was tired from the long day, plus I was concentrating on putting on my black make up for my disguise. It didn't take me too long to get my bearings though and go into HALO mode. As I plummeted towards earth a couple of things struck me. Firstly that I wasn't as high as I'd expected to be, and secondly that Iran was more brightly lit than I remembered from a trip I made many years ago. Thinking back now there were signs that maybe I'd got on the wrong plane, after all the Special Ops blokes were wearing White outfits which I thought strange for desert operations. At the time I assumed they were trying out some new style uniform. Anyway I made a perfect landing as always, I was top of parachute class five years running, and another thing struck me. This was definitely not the outskirts of Tehran or if it was then things had got a hell of a lot greener. I disposed of my parachute as per the manual, donned my orange robes and found a road into the nearest town all the while trying to remember the Hare Krishna song. Iran has come a long way as I noticed they have made the effort to put all the road signs in English. No doubt this is to help out the Yanks should they ever invade. They also drive on the same side of the road as in the UK which certainly was a pleasant surprise. The nearest town could be seen from the distance and a number of high rise buildings came into view. They weren't marked on my pop up map of Tehran so I stopped a local to ask for directions to Khomeni's B&B. Credit where credit is due, the guy made a very passable attempt at speaking English although I had to listen carefully. Apparently I could find it in an area called the Qurbals, which also wasn't on my map. He merely pointed toward the east and staggered off. Made sense I suppose, that's where all the mosques would be so off I yomped. I never did find it though and ended up at some place called the Hotel Teflon which was run by another face I found vaguely familiar whose English was also passable. Something didn't add up.
OK, well there'll be more tomorrow as I have to make my way back to work today and I know the guys can't wait to see what souvenirs I've bought them.
Shalom

It's good to be back
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: GARY GLITTER'S GREATEST HITS
Well I finally made it back to Fairoaks yesterday after a trip that did not go entirely to plan. Anyway being the highly trained specialist that I am, being able to adapt is one of my talents.
Things started smoothly enough with a speedy trip to the airport, Benny can sure handle the Trabant, and he had no trouble outpacing the kid on the bike who tried to race us down the road. On arrival at Fairoaks check in went pretty well for El Al. They only tried to bribe me once, and while I was tempted - after all 50 Shekels buys a lot of bagels - I didn't want to waste all the careful arrangements that had been made for me.
As Benny suggested the duty free shop was out of fags and this was very upsetting as I wasn't sure if you could get B&H in Iran, they didn't even have any booze either, and as for security...boy is that tight, first time I've ever been cavity searched before boarding a plane, and if you ask me the guy doing it seemed to enjoy it a bit too much. He looked vaguely familiar. For privacy reasons these guys badges only have their initials on, his were TW, I'd better look that up. He even found the two cans of Pepsi Max I had shoved up my backside to smuggle into Iran.
Plane was packed, it was the annual Fat Bastard convention in Jerusalem and they had virtually chartered the plane by the looks of it. We were late taking off, and I'm sure the extra weight slowed things down a bit. The upshoot of all this was I was late making my connection to the special Ops flight at Tel Aviv.
These guys are the so called elite of the Israeli army, but compared to my day these geezers are wimps. When I was in training we weren't allowed to use parachutes for the first three jumps, it was designed to toughen you up. Talking to these guys I learned that parachutes are now compulsory, talk about gay! Anyway while I was putting on my black make up, I proceeded to tell them all about my exploits and generally making sarcastic remarks about their abilities which were dwarfed by mine. For some reason that pissed a few of them off a bit, and they tossed me out of the plane in the middle of nowhere. Took me by surprise to tell the truth and I didn't have time to use Hava Nagida to defend myself.
Anyway that's where things started to go wrong, and as I want to pace myself I'll write more about it next time. I'm now off to Benny's to start processing some of the pictures I took. Benny's services are cheaper than getting them developed at Boot's or Tesco's for that matter.
Shalom