Bloody Shift Changes
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: The Adventures of Skippy The Bush Kangaroo
These shift changes are driving me f***ing mad, not only has our new DTM got a thing about the Moon, he's now working out our rosters using the tides of the Thames as well. It's causing chaos in the Hospital as he reckons that our workload ebbs and flows just like tides, so now when it's high tide at London Bridge there's loads of us in, when it reaches low tide hardly anybody's there. That's all well and good, but when high tide is three in the morning it seems a little strange to have all of us dedicated trolley pushers on standby and everyone else is asleep. I'm sure it'll settle down soon, either that or he'll get promoted or something.
He reminds me of a commander we had during the Six Day War. He had some warped ideas too, although we had a particularly effective way of getting rid of him, a couple of quiet bullets sorted him out.
Rabbi Goldberg gave me a call last night, and wanted to know if I'd do him a favour. He said he'd received some alarming reports from other Rabbis in the area about some window smashing going on. He wanted to know if I'd do some sniffing around and see what I could find out. Think I'd better not pursue that one too much. In the meantime our Russian security friends have stepped up security at our Synagogue.
Ok, well I'd better go and study the tide schedules at London Bridge to find out when I'm next at work.

Shalom

Hungover
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Pink Elephants in my head
Didn't make it on here yesterday, Benny threw a bit of a shindig for Rosh Hashannah or whatever it's called on Saturday Night. Bit of a wild party if you ask me, there must have been at least a crate of John Smith's there, and for the really hardcore drinkers, there was a six pack of Kronenburg 1664 although I know better than to hit that stuff.
The evening ended with everybody throwing their car keys into a hat. I thought I was going to get lucky but all we were deciding was which cars to drive around for the next fun part of the evening. Turns out that Benny thought we should break a few windows for luck so we spent an hour or so driving round fun places like Streatham, Tooting and Clapham smashing as many windows in rival Synagogues as we could find. I had this nagging feeling that it reminded me of something I'd learned when I was a kid at the Moshe Dyan Comprehensive. Anyway I was too far gone to worry about that at the time, and I didn't get to bed until at least 10 pm on Saturday.
I'll be working some weird hours at the Hospital this week so don't expect me to update this at the same time every day. We have a new Duty Trolley Manager and he schedules shifts according to the movements of the Moon. Be better if he worked them out by the movements of my Bowel, now I might have to buy some bog paper for home as I can't be certain I can hold things in until I get to work. I bet he's doing it deliberately, think I'll have to have a quiet word with him at some stage.

Shalom

Synagogue Day
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: Little and Large
Just a quick update today, for those of you not in the know, it's the first day of Rosh Hashanah, and Rabbi Goldberg is making a bit of a fuss of things, anyone would think it's something to do with religion the way he carries on.
So today I've got to don my best skull cap and be on my best behaviour. As a small sacrifice I've got to make do without my daily can of Pepsi Max, and there will be no illicit bagels today.
So I've survived my first week back at work. I really will have to thank the Duty Trolley Manager for such as an easy week. Some Milk Tray is in order for his wife I think.
Nothing much else going on so I'll be off to listen to Goldberg drone on by reading from some crabby old book. Someone said it's called the Torah, but I think they must have misheard it somehow as surely the whole cult is built around the teachings of that singer Toyah Wilcox, I don't know...it's a mystery to me.

Shalom

What's all the fuss about?
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: With My Airfix Models
The other blokes at work have been driving me crazy with all this talk of bungs in football. I am a bit surprised by all this, I thought technology was now so sophisticated that you didn't need to keep a bung in a football to keep it inflated. I can go down Woolworth's and find half a dozen balls that don't need a bung in them so how come all these big football clubs who make all these millions of Shekels can't buy a few. Another question...if these balls have got bungs in them, how do they roll? That would explain a few of the dodgy bounces that Fulham/Chelsea have got in the last couple of seasons.
I was most upset to hear that Airfix are going out of business. Many an Israeli Army recruit has spent hours gluing together these little bits of plastic during weapon recognition class, although we were always surprised to find the actual things were much bigger, actually moved, and had a better paint job than we could ever achieve, plus they somehow managed to get the little transfers on straight. My favourite part though was the picture on the box...all those action scenes reminded me of the good old days...the youth of today don't know what they are missing.
End of my first week back and the weight is piling on nicely. I won't know if I made the cut for a couple of weeks yet, but they are set to do the taping in January. Apparently because it's so bloody cold they can get a nice discount that time of year, and they can bump up the prize money as a result. The best extra stands to win at least a tenner and a voucher for a free McDonald's Happy Meal.

Shalom

Addicted
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Terry Wogan's Greatest Hit
It's great being back at work, all sorts of people to talk to about my last trip, my only regret is that I didn't take any pictures. I tried to smuggle in a Mossad spy camera but the searches were very thorough if you know what I mean.
To ease me back into things, I'm on general trolley pushing duties which once again gives me free rein to walk about the place and do as little as possible. I did pop up to the Psycho ward - it's normally full of characters - but it was dead quiet up there. Our large lobed friend seems to have gone missing, and one of the nurses up there told me that some blokes from Channel 4 think he might be good for some sort of documentary so have spirited him away to some sort of house on the Kent coast. I know all about being spirited away to remote houses. After many a Mossad mission it was necessary for me to go in hiding for a while, even to change my ID. They once had to get me a job in a furniture store until the fuss died down. I had fun there though, and I spent ages checking out possible hiding places for some of my stuff in the furniture. Sadly the stuff was real shit and the company went broke. It did allow me to get to know Englebert Humperdinck though, but that's another story.
Anyway, I'm off down to KFC. I have a lot of respect for that company seeing as it was founded by a Colonel or something. Good to see a military man get on after he left the service. Christ knows where he gets his chickens though, more like sparrows if you ask me but there's something in his secret blend of herbs and spices that is dangerously addictive. I feel some sort of espionage mission coming on here, I need to know.

Shalom

First Day Back
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: Ping Pong
One thing struck me yesterday when I went back to work, it was how much weight I'd lost in the last couple of weeks. My clothes were hanging off of me, and even my shoulder holster didn't fit properly. I looked like a Nigerian train cleaner wearing one of those one size fits all outfits they used to be given.
I think the other lads were a bit shocked too, and even though I'd had those new tyres fitted to the trolley, I still found it an effort to push. Still a few tasty Bacon Bagels, and a few packets of Pork Scratchings and I'll soon be back up to my fighting weight. One other habit I picked up while on the audition was using fags like currency, just like they do in prison. I must admit I looked a bit stupid yesterday when I was trying to get a can of Pepsi Max out of the Hospital vending machines. You ever tried to fit a cigarette into those tiny little slots they give you, and when you do manage to get one in it doesn't register, and can you get it back, like hell you can. Later I heard that there had been a lot of complaints about that particular machine, apparently the mechanism had clogged up with Tobacco, dopey bastards...why some people insist on smoking roll ups I don't just know.
OK, well I'm off to find some nourishing KFC.

Shalom.

Late for work
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: The Radio
Haven't got time to chat too much today, I've got up late for work, I'll need to retrieve my trolley from where I've hidden it, and I'm taking as many showers as I can.
Lying in bed last night it felt a bit strange. I'd been down KFC and demolished a Bargain Bucket of their delicious Chicken, but regardless I still had to fight the urge to eat my mattress, it's amazing what my recent diet has me craving for. On the TV set we were woken up at 4 in the morning without fail, apparently because we were auditioning they were taking it easy with us, and it'll be harder if I actually get picked for the show. Now my Mossad training has prepared me for many things, but getting up early in the morning wasn't one of them. As a Mossad operative you needed to blend into normal society, and getting up at 4 in the morning isn't normal...at least not to me. Even when I was working nights for that Underground railway based in London, I don't think I ever saw that time of day awake. So if I get picked for the show that's something I'll have to get used to.
I hate going back to work after a break, everyone thinks they're going to get some sort of souvenir, but where I was staying there were no shops, guess they'll have to settle for a couple of used tissues from Burger King which I'll sign before I go in.
OK, time to get to it.

Shalom

Hello, Hello I'm back again
Mood:  smelly
Now Playing: Gary Glitter's Favourite Videos
Well after almost two weeks away I'm back. The TV show experience has given me a lot to think about. I think I was doing pretty well until I knocked off that Burger place but we'll see. Competition was tough, there were some real experts in there, the mob from the Karen Carpenter fan club were particularly good at getting by with no grub. I managed to go three days without eating my bed, which I thought was pretty good.
Benny has written a couple of things since I've been gone I've noticed, and it's good to see he's been taking care of business. He's not a bad geezer overall, even though he's got a bit too much into this Aryan racing thing for my liking, why he can't like Formula 1 like the rest of us is beyond me. Always has to be different he does, that's why he never quite got as far as me in Mossad.
I'll write more about my TV experience over the next few days, but I'm a bit on the smelly side as the accommodation was crap. They had showers there but they never seemed to work, and from my expert eye I had my suspicion that they'd used a load of cowboy plumbers to do the pipe work and the dozy bastards had connected the water pipes to the gas mains. I think the producers will be looking to get that put right before the show airs properly. Over a thousand people attended the camp for the week, although it had been whittled down to about 150 by the end of the audition. Some people never even made it through the gates, being selected for 'special treatment' when the train arrived. Never saw those people again...I suspect they were sent straight back to the UK.
Anyway I'm going to be spending the day hosing myself off, and it's back to work tomorrow. Once I'm cleaner I'll go into more detail about the audition.

Shalom

UPDATE INFO
We've just heard that a Helicopter and some Milk Tray have been reported missing from the Dover area. Could be that our man is back in town and ready to make regular updates again. I suspect things should start getting back to normal this week so watch this space.
If anyone is reading this from the Kent coast we would like to know if Pepsi Max has been hard to come by this weekend as that will offer us further clues, also could you scour the papers for any reports of a man dressed in black hovering around women's bedrooms flashing an ID card with a Star Of David on it, any sightings would be appreciated.

Keep Taking The Tablets

ANOTHER MESSAGE FROM BENNY
Well I've heard the auditions are over, and that the surviving and successful candidates for TV's wackiest new reality show are on their way back. However rumour reaches me that our man may not have been in the convoy that left the set the other day. There are tales of a daring escape, and a raid on the local "Burger King" which fits our man's MO to a tee, so it may have been the case that a Bacon Double Cheeseburger was too much for him to resist, still a week without a Bagel can have that affect on a man.
Anyway, I'm sure once he has realised that everyone else has left he'll be on his way back and normal service will be resumed as soon as possible on here.

Keep wearing the Jack Boots

Benny

A MESSAGE FROM BENNY
Our man is still away so it looks like his TV career could be about to take off.
I would not be surprised if he becomes the star of the show, his engaging personality, sharp wit, and intelligent well informed conversation and opinion will make him stand out.
As I don't know how much longer he'll be away, I'll do my best to keep you all informed, but feel free to send any messages of support to the normal address.

BENNY

Taking a break
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: Noughts and Crosses
Well the big day has arrived and I'm off to catch the train from Wimbledon Station.
It's nice to be able to take a break, not just from work, but also from keeping my eyes on what else is going on in the world, at least until the end of next week.
Benny has suggested that he might do some work on the site which will all be unveiled on my return. Be nice to see what he has in store, but if anyone has any ideas you can contact Benny at mossadhq@hotmail.co.uk and I'm sure he'll see what he can do.
Anyway farewell and thanks for all the fish.

Shalom

This is very short
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Blue Peter Volume 67
Just a very short note today, I've got to go home and pack, plus I'm playing a touch of hide and seek with Hospital security. Apparently me tapping into the Hospital's wireless thing is frowned upon, and they consider it virtually a hanging offence. So I'm typing this from a broom closet down near the Morgue, it's always nice and quiet down here.
It's my last day today before i go down to Wimbledon Station and join up with everyone else trying out for that TV show I've been going on about. It's always a hassle deciding what to take and I asked Benny for some advice. he told me to take as much as I could cram into a suitcase, he also told me that anything I could shove up my arse would be useful too. Strange but I'll bear that in mind. Mossad operatives are trained to carry things up their back passages so I won't find it too demanding. You'd be amazed what I can hide up there.
Anyway better go, I can hear footsteps in the corridor, man these guys are good.

Shalom

Wireless discovery
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Barbara Streisand's "Songs From The Egyptian Front"
Morning all, I made a discovery yesterday which while it might not be mind blowing was good news for me. I worked out a way in which I can hook up to the Internet without using any cables! I know Mossad scientists have been working on the idea for some time, but it seems like the geezers in Tandy's beat them to it. Now I have the freedom to update this any place I want.
So today I've decided to type away at this in the place where I do all my best work...that's right the bog! I try to wait until I get to the hospital before I take a dump, that way I save on bog paper, plus it's the hospital's water bill taking the hit from my multiple flushes. To save the battery on my little laptop I can also run the power cord out to that little shaving socket that they put over the sink but nobody ever uses...I'm a winner all round with this.
One of the joys of being on general pushing duties is that I can wheel aimlessly around the hospital and everyone thinks I'm busy so they leave me alone. As a result I've left some tasty skidmarks on some of the corridor floors where I've done screeching starts with my new tyres, even managed a wheelie with it. If I'm ever stopped I just say I'm on my way to X-Ray or Geriatrics, basically whichever department is furthest away from my location at the time. It's a little trick I picked up while working for that Underground railway located somewhere in London.
Anyway time to wrap up, someone's just come in to use the Urinal and tripped over the power cord, better get out of here before my battery runs down too much.

Shalom

Knackered
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Roullette
Man I'm what could best be called as tired as a dog. I spent the whole day yesterday watching all that stuff about the Six Day War. I taped it all and then replayed it in slow motion to see if I was in any of the action shots. Well I didn't see me so I guess I was edited out for security reasons. Very responsible of the producers even if it was all a bit of a let down for me.
I'm finally off of the Bin run at work and have been put on general trolley duties this week. This means that I have a free rein around the hospital so I can look busy by just pushing my trolley around aimlessly and avoid all the proper work. Must admit that today that idea appeals to me, couldn't face having to try and be nice to people who are being wheeled into an operating theatre. Christ knows why they are so f***ing nervous, you never saw any of that sort of fear in the eyes of Israeli Soldiers when they were wheeled into the MASH unit I worked in. There it was all hands to the pump, and I pitched in with a couple of life saving heart transplants when needed. Mind you you had less chance of catching MRSA in an Israeli MASH tent, and having see the way our cleaners perform maybe I can understand our clients fears a bit more now I come to think about it.
Anyway better push on as they say here.

Shalom

Lazy Sunday Afternoon
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Hopscotch
I didn't realise it, but it was Baywatch Marathon day on the TV yesterday so I ended up glued to the TV until about midnight. That David Hasselhof was one cool guy, and this series should be compulsory viewing at the Mossad training academy, our future agents can learn a lot from him, particularly about operating in sandy conditions.
I've got a bit of a hangover this morning as I hit the Carlsberg in a big way and must have polished off at least two cans. I was so out of it at one stage that I had a dream that I was on the pitch during the 1966 World Cup Final...but of course now I'm awake I know that was no dream, it actually happened.
I'm going to be stuck in front of the TV all day again today, as one of the channels that I can pick up on my massive satellite dish is having a day of programmes about the Six Day War. I'm hoping to catch a shot or two of me in action as after all it was by my efforts alone that we managed to finish the thing off so quickly. If I remember I had a ticket to go and see Fulham/Chelsea play, and once I've made a commitment I don't like to break it, especially if money has changed hands. If we'd followed the Generals' master plan we'd still be fighting the bloody thing now. Fortunately my lads knew a good leader when they saw one and we pressed on without a break enabling me to make Craven Cottage for the kick off.
Anyway I'm off to find some headache tablets.

Shalom

Off to see The Wizard
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Hide and Seek
Synagogue day today, and boy was it f***ing boring. Why does Goldberg get paid? Rattling on about some fairy story from thousands of years ago. I'm sure if we could transport some Mossad Operatives back to when all this allegedly happened, we'd discover what a pack of lies it all was, plus we'd probably have taken this Jesus geezer out with a head shot while we were at it.
Synagogue though isn't about religion for most of us, it's about networking and making money. In the past I've picked up a couple of useful contracts from just standing there with a skull cap on my head as my reputation is second to none. I'm sure there are other ex Mossad operatives attending, but I think I get most of the business. Of course there is also the Saturday Black Market in Bagels which is always quite cloak and dagger...reminds me of my training to an extent.
I've a feeling that this weekend is going to be pretty quiet. There have been no communications from my masters back in the homeland, and I'm trying to save money so I can afford another box of B&H. The audition for that TV show is rumoured to be being held abroad, so I'm hoping that they give us time off to hit the duty free shop at some stage, this time I think I'll stock up big time...sold myself a bit short when I went there with Benny a few months back.
OK, Baywatch is about to start, it's an interesting show from a security officer's viewpoint and I'm hoping to learn something off of David Hasselhof. I've always been intrigued with how he manages to sort things out wearing only a pair of swimming trunks and having lots of women in Bikinis running up and down. He is a true master and I'd better watch and learn.

Shalom

I have News!
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: Tommy Cooper sings Sinatra
Managed to keep the thieving gippos away from anything of value yesterday. Those bastards try every trick in the book, but they don't normally come across someone like me. It only took me to open my mouth and they were off "like a Rat out of an Aqueduct" as they said in that movie about me all those years ago.
When I got home last night there was a letter waiting for me. Looks like Benny has managed to fix things and I've been asked to attend an audition as an extra on Celebrity Concentration Camp. It'll only be for a weekend as they want to separate the strong from the weak. So next week I have to cycle down to Wimbledon station and they'll take care of things from there. It means I may go missing for a few days from here, but rest assured I'll be back. Now for a weekend trip I couldn't believe what they've asked me to bring. I'm to stuff a saddlebag full of valuable items. No liquids or gels will be allowed though as they are a security risk apparently so there goes my Brylcreem. I'm assuming therefore they will be providing any toiletries we may require, I'll have to get hold of Benny and see what he can tell me. The TV company are also providing all travel costs, food, drinks and accommodation which means it'll be a cheap weekend and it won't cost me a shekel. I can't wait to tell the truth, I can't believe I'm going to be on TV if I pass the audition.
The NHS transfer day passed off without any changes here. The deal for the Polish porter fell through when somebody here realised that he was not as good at creative accounting as one of the Nigerians, and boy do the Hospital finances need some of that. So we decided to keep them both even though they earn 25p an hour more. Pity really as I'm sure I would find the Pole sleeping in the locker room all the time.
Anyway better start planning for my trip next week, I'm so excited.

Shalom

Transfer Deadline Day
Mood:  surprised
Now Playing: Musical Chairs
Well the pursuit of cheap fags was all for nothing yesterday. I rushed down to the canteen expecting to get a good deal on some cheap B&H and ended up being pretty appalled at what I saw. Yep, you guessed it, it wasn't some cheap ciggies that were going spare. Instead it was some Yank who was pimping cheap Rent Boys. I didn't know anything about it until I heard a load of geezers having a good laugh as I entered the room to be confronted by a load of poofs in leather trousers with the arse cut out of them "for easy access". I haven't moved so quickly to get out of somewhere in my entire life. Not even that time when Ronnie "did" that geezer in the pub in Whitechapel. Needless to say I'm now taking a fair bit of stick from the other lads. But they make us tough in Mossad and I'll be fine, but the others will regret their action in time believe me. Could be time to call in the lads with the dodgy black cars...we'll see.
Of course today is the big day when the transfer window shuts, and Hospitals around the country have to make their pick of the Porters for the year ahead. There's been no speculation linking me with anywhere, but I'm already at a big Hospital so going elsewhere would be like a demotion. I hear we're trying to trade a couple of our Nigerian lads for a Polish bloke who works at the Royal Free, but until it all gets confirmed in writing it's all speculation. If the DTM calls a meeting later today then I'll know something is going on. I don't really go in for all the gossip surrounding this, gossip isn't my thing, as an intelligence officer I'm only interested in hard facts such as the price of Bagels at the Bagel Bake.
Well it's that time of the week again when the local "Gippos" come and have a look at some of the crap we're getting rid of. You have to watch those gits like a hawk though, the other week they tried to smuggle an MRI scanner out of here. Would have succeeded to but they couldn't get it in the back of their van, despite getting a couple of our lads to help them. Thieving bastards they are, and you can bet your bottom Shekel I'll be keeping an Eagle Eye on them.

Shalom

Can I ponce a fag mate?
Mood:  suave
Now Playing: Bernie Winter's and Schnorbitz's funniest moments
Not got much time today, there's a rumour flying about that someone is going to be selling cheap fags down in the canteen. I'm running low so he'd better have some B&H on him. Smoking so much is killing me in more ways than one, my wallet is struggling. So much so that I've actually started to try and ponce fags off of people, which is something I don't normally do, but a free fag here and there does help, plus for some of the bastards it's actually payback time for all the freebies I've given them.
There's an art to poncing fags, and it's something I learnt while working for the Underground Railway in the London area. There was a real expert there who worked his way around the entire workforce scrounging a fag here or there. He figured that if he scrounged one fag off of each smoker nobody would notice so much, and to a degree he was right. Mind you he hit paydirt when some scrawny little git arrived from one of the other locations and in an effort to win popularity dished out fags galore, even I joined in with that one. That geezer never did win any popularity contests, but the free ciggies were nice.
Still on Bin detail which means I haven't had the chance to really give the fastest trolley in the NHS a workout since it had the new sports tyres fitted. Sometimes I'll place a couple of the small office bins on there and take it for a spin, but you can't beat the dead weight of someone lying on your trolley to help out the performance. I'm hoping that next week we can really begin to see what it can do, I'm due a break from moving crap about.
OK, well my vibrator is going off which means it's fag time down in the canteen, I'm off to get first dibs on the B&H.

Shalom