Send In The Clowns
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Rock, Paper, Scissors
I do enjoy a good old bike ride, well being such an expert that's not really surprising. It's a real pity this years Tour Of Cricklewood got dumped as I think not only was I a dead cert to win the King Of The Mountains, but I may have had a shot at the yellow jersey too. Anyway it didn't happen, but the organisers are hoping for better luck in 2007, but they'll have to tweak the rules first, I suspect the Shoot a guy wearing a towel on his head stage may well be taken out.
So this morning it was onto my Mossad designed Titanium racer and off to Bethnal Green and the Bagel Bake. I don't know how often any of you visit the area, but it really is becoming the sort of place Oxfam could shoot a video in after some sort of natural disaster and save a few dinaris on air fares. Of course with my background I'm more concerned they'll find out who I really am and next time they'll be a roadside bomb waiting for me. Didn't happen today though, and I whizzed up to Brick Lane and chained my bike to the railings outside Ali's Cafe. I don't normally stroll down the Lane, but today I thought I'd give it a look. Lot's of leather shops so I suspect there is a strong gay community in the area. Lot's of Curry houses too. Never seen the attraction in Curry myself, I've had it a couple of times, and if my reaction is anything to go by, no wonder the bastards are so skinny. In fact I found the whole place pretty depressing, so I was quite relieved to pick up my Bagels and get out of there.
I always try to get nice hot Bagels, and I cycle back here in record time to enjoy them at their best. I'm told there are Bagel places nearer to me, but I still have a weakness for the old East End, and besides I'm keeping a promise I made to Ronnie and Reggie to make sure the Brick Lane Bagel Bake maintains it standards.

Shalom

It Was`A Very Good Year
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Pass The Parcel
Well just got back from the Synagogue where it was business as usual. Goldberg was prattling on about some religious bullshit, and we all just sat there and listened to it like good sheep. There are times I'd love to pull out my 45 Magnum which Clint gave me and blow Goldberg's f**king head off, however the Russian security guys are pretty efficient, and while I might spend a fair amount of my time talking out of it, even I couldn't fit a 45 up my arse.
Still it gives me a chance to catch up with Benny, who now attends regularly again after his mental problems a few months back. My main concern is when the lazy bastard is going to sort out those election leaflets and put them online. He says he'll get round to it soon enough, but it's getting to the part of the year when religious tat becomes a big seller. Now we all know how well Benny did with those T-shirts when the Pope visited Auschwitz, but remember that the Easter collection of wooden crosses didn't go down too well. So Benny isn't really that successful, but he likes to think he is. He suggested we try and get together this week and sort it out. As for my partner The Window Cleaner, he was nowhere to be seen, although I'm hearing a nasty rumour that he was spotted being bundled into the back of a Police Van outside a BT shop. I'll do some checking on that today, might be time to dig out the mysterious ID card with the Star of David on it again.
Anyway tomorrow is Sunday and it's the day of the week I really look forward to, lock up your Bagels because I'm one hungry Jew.

Shalom

My Kind Of Town
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Hurling
Thank f**k it's Friday, this week seems to have gone so slowly it's untrue. Where are the international crisis points? It seems the world has no need of the likes of me, highly trained intelligence officers who can stir up trouble at the squeeze of a trigger. I blame that James Bond geezer who I see has a new film out now, I don't like the bloke but I must admit he does have a f**king good plastic surgeon. It's no wonder we've never uncovered his true identity, just look at his track record. First he looks like David Niven, then Sean Connery, then George Lazenby, the list goes on. Whilst us Mossad types are given some training in altering our ID, we never went to the extent that James Bond does, no wonder our f**king taxes are so high, shelling out for all this plastic surgery. Don't even get me started on the gadgets and cars. With Mossad you were given a Tandy Gift Voucher, or if you were lucky some cash to spend in Argos. Still that was an improvement on the old days when we had to collect Green Shield stamps. Do you know how many books you had to complete to get an Uzi clip? F**king hundreds, and then they wouldn't have the bastard things in stock when you went to the store, you'd end up getting a teasmaid or something.
At the moment of typing, I still have no concrete plans for the weekend. A trip to the Synagogue is a given although I only do that for social purposes. Trust me I can't stand getting out of bed on a Saturday morning, especially when there are no Bagels to be enjoyed. It's a pain in the arse dusting off the old suit and skull cap and generally trying to be nice to a bunch of Jews who you know would sell off your collection of KFC wet wipes if they thought there was a few shekels in it for them. Still us Red Sea Pedestrians need to stick together, otherwise they'll turn the place into a Wetherspoons which they'd probably call the Jewish Harp to reflect it's previous history.

Shalom

Fly Me To The Moon
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The Weather Channel
This really is a week of inactivity, and to make matters worse, nobody has left me any comments, sent me an e-mail, or tried to communicate on the Mossad hotline. In fact I'm about as popular as Bin Laden at an Airline pilots reunion being held in New York.
So what to write about today? The truth is nothing, I just spend my time wheeling people about, getting bedpans for the nurses, and chatting to anyone who might want to listen, or even if they don't. I do enjoy telling them about the good old days, but some of them are really ungrateful and reckon I'm just talking a load of bullshit! Well everyone is entitled to their opinion, but wait until secret Israeli Government documents are released in fifty years time, that'll show them, then the real extent of Engelbert Humperdinck's treachery will come to light. Of course I may not be around to witness that, but I can see it now...my picture on all the news broadcasts, as every incident I've been involved in officially becomes public knowledge. maybe they'll make a film out of it, get someone like Sean Connery to be the star, although he'd have to develop a taste for 40 B&H a day, Bagels, and KFC to pull it off properly.
Anyway, enough dreaming, better get back to work.

Shalom

Call Me Irresponsible
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Water Polo
I'm feeling pretty lazy today so I won't write too much, in fact all I'm going to do is answer a couple of questions that have been brought to my attention.
"What is your favourite weapon?" Well that depends on the situation I find myself in. If I'm caught in some strange woman's bedroom with a box of Chocolates in my hand by her husband, I normally lob a can of Pepsi Max at him and make a dash for the window. For those missions where I have to be a little more subtle, you can't beat an Uzi. You should see people scatter when I open up one of those babies. I also enjoyed trying out a "Star Trek" style phaser that had been developed many years ago by Mossad scientists. Unfortunately after an incident involving some high ranking general who I mistakenly shot in the eye, the project was dropped. My favourite weapon though is my voice. I've found that the moment I open my mouth I can clear a room in any situation.
"Why do you like KFC?" Well I must admit I'm hooked on the secret blend of herbs and spices, and the fact that it was invented by some ex military bloke rather than some geezer in a clown outfit also scores a lot of points with me. I've always wondered where they can get hold of chickens that small though, you seem to get more meat on the ones at Tesco's. KFC warrants further investigation.

Shalom

I've Got You Under My Skin
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Croquet
Well, it turns out that the staff meeting was much ado about nothing, and I would have been better off going for a crafty fag round by the bins. The changes at the top we were promised turned out to be no more than it's time for new curtains on the windows upstairs, what they were looking for was volunteers to help take them down, and put new ones up. Like anywhere else in the NHS, money is tight, and the gits are not willing to pay overtime and want the job done free. Well I don't work for nothing, I know I had to do some crazy hours with Mossad, but at least I could tap into the Swiss bank account from time to time, how else do you think I could afford that flat in Geneva, blimey even the Underground Railway network somewhere in London even used to pay OT. I'd still be there now if I hadn't been stitched up when I was at a personal low which meant my cover got blown.
Anyway I'm not going to help so that's that, plus I have other things going on which are far more important. I'm going to take a part time job in the run up to the election. The fastest VW Beetle in the west will soon be scooting around the streets on behalf of Domino's Pizza. It's not that I need the money, I've got more than enough stashed away, but it means that I can parade my election stuff around town and be paid for it at the same time, plus of course I get to keep all of the Pizzas nobody wants. Give it a month and I reckon my freezer will be bulging, looks like I'll have a happy Christmas.

Shalom

You Make Me Feel So Young
Mood:  down
Now Playing: American Football
Well as I said, ended up round Benny's last night to see what the master designer has in store for our little election campaign.
I was a little disappointed to tell the truth, it was pretty difficult to read as it was all in German. Benny seems to feel that this will stick in the voters minds, after all what do people normally do with election leaflets? They normally toss them in the bin, he reckons that people will be so stunned with our stuff that they'll keep them to show their mates. I'm not totally convinced and want him to redo them in English,over the course of the week they'll probably appear online so you can have a sneak preview then.
I was wheeling someone up to X-Ray this morning and my mind was all over the place. You get really wrapped up in this politics stuff and I ended up walking into one of the little hidey holes the cleaners have dotted around the place. They're a scruffy looking lot the current batch, something to do with the one size fits all approach to the uniforms they're given. I'm amazed how many of them look like they're wearing shoes for the first time, although I do understand the policy of removing the laces from their shoes. The cleaning company took a bit of a hit when they first issued footwear, and there was a steady request for new laces. Turns out laces are almost like currency in certain countries and they were shipping them off there or putting them on Ebay. Thieving gits, got no proper culture.
Anyway, got a staff meeting to go to, this one might be interesting for a change as there are going to be changes made at the top.

Shalom

I Did It My Way
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Hockey
There are times when it isn't easy to write this thing, you know slow news days, nothing going on at work, no East End Gangsters whom I may or may not have known getting into trouble with the law again.
Today is such a day, the initial excitement about standing for election has passed, now the serious stuff has to begin, and I have to start being nice to people for a change. Now I don't think I'm a bad bloke overall, I'll quite happily share my fags and a few stories with anybody, but kissing babies and all that other crap that goes with being a politician does my head in. I would let the Window Cleaner bloke do all that, but I think he may have a mental problem or two, I've noticed how he keeps asking women to pick car keys out of a bowl, strange thing is, his are the only ones in it.
Anyway later today, I'll be off round to Benny's as we'll start designing the literature to be used on our door to door campaign. Benny has some interesting ideas about holding rallies, burning books, and smashing windows to get us some publicity. He reckons that as I have the mysterious ID card with a Star of David on it, the Police will be too scared to arrest me for fear of what I might arrange for them in return. That's a thought, I sometimes forget how that ID card allows me to break the Law at will.
OK, well it's Sunday and Bagel time.

Shalom

Saturday Night Fever
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Tennis
Well, late update today as we had our first election strategy meeting. Had to wait until after Synagogue though, got to get that out of the way, and as per usual it was as boring as hell. I also have to keep this short.
The election has been scheduled for 21 st December, which means I might be in power for Christmas, and also means we have to get our fingers out and crank up our vote winning machine.
The Window Cleaner and Benny have come up with some interesting policies, and Benny has promised to make sure our election leaflets are put up online so you can all see them, something I think the other candidates won't be doing, just like Goebbels with Adolf Hitler, Benny seems to have todays technology cracked with regard to propaganda, I can hardly wait.
Anyway, more detail tomorrow, I'm out of bog paper so I'm off to the Hospital to use the traps.

Shalom

Strangers In The Night
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Rounders
Well no sooner than I mention old Rummy Rumsfeld, than the man himself not only added a comment onto the bottom of the page, but also left something on the guestbook too. Well on a personal note Rummy, if you're ever in the Tooting area, drop by the Synagogue on a Saturday and I'll buy you a Pretzel.
All that talk of Coronation Street certainly livened me up, and I spent last night checking out the 1989 Coronation Street Annual. Ena Sharples wasn't in it by then, or if she was the pages were stuck together so I couldn't see them, but it's full of such lovable characters as Mike Baldwin, and of course the Stud of The Street Ken Barlow. He's almost as successful with the ladies as I am, although admittedly I had an advantage being stuck in a Cairo prison for a few months and could play the field...at least they said they were female.
Anyway last day of the week today, and it's rumoured we'll finally learn the date of the election to replace that pervert Liebeman. Me, Benny, and the Window cleaner are going to get together after Synagogue tomorrow to discuss tactics. It's all very exciting to be able to get into politics after all these years. For a long time while I was with Mossad I was busy taking head shots at these guys, now I'll finally be standing on a platform and putting my verbal skills to good use. I can't wait, and it'll be interesting to see who else puts their name forward, apparently there may well be some big hitters standing so it could be a tough race.

Shalom

Like A Virgin
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Basketball
So Donald Rumsfeld is no longer the US defence chief. I was quite sad to hear that news as me and 'Rummy' go back a long way. It was when we were playing a game of battleships that the subject of Iraq first came up. He asked me what I think they should do about the place, my advice was "it's full of Arabs...bomb the bastards". It's so nice that he took my advice, even if things haven't gone so well for him since.
Anyway that aside last night I settled back to watch TV. One of my favourite programmes has alway been "Coronation Street" even though it doesn't have many Jewish characters. I remember when it was on in black and white all those years ago, me, Ronnie and Reggie would stop the beating we were dishing out just to see what was going on in the 'Rovers'. Must admit back then I had a bit of a thing for Ena Sharples, always wondered what was under that hairnet of hers. I used to fantasise about a threesome with Ena and Minnie Caldwell. Pissed off Ronnie a bit as his box of Kleenex used to run down pretty quickly whenever the episode had a lot of Ena action, not that I saw it as I was busy in the bog...I'll say no more. "Coronation Street" hasn't been the same since those characters left, they've tried to jazz it up a bit by introducing such minxes as Deirdre Barlow and Gail whatever her name is, but nobody ever beat Ena Sharples, although Annie Walker pushed her close at times. Then there was Albert Tatlock but I won't go there.
Anyway after 'Corrie' finished I twiddled with my knobs for a while but to no avail, there just isn't much going on on the airwaves these days, that's the power of the Internet for you, maybe I should get a copy of "Internet Hacking For Dummies" as that's where all the action is. I'll put that on my list for later.

Shalom

You're Fired
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Netball
It's days like these that I really enjoy what I do. Unlike the Duty Trolley Manager, the cleaning supervisor for our contractors appreciates my work. I noticed today that the cleaner I've been trailing wasn't in today, and it turns out that he's been sacked. My evidence was enough to kick him out for misuse of company property. As a little thank you I got a little brown envelope left in my pigeonhole. Inside was an 10% off voucher for Domestos and a packet of B&H. I probably overdid things somewhat, but he was delighted to hear that every other cleaner is toeing the company line and saving company resources.
So it was with a spring in my step that I returned back to normal trolley pushing duties. The amount of stupid cases we get in a large inner city Hospital like ours never ceases to amaze me. I really don't know why people can't sort things out for themselves. Some geezer came in today looking for someone to peel his Banana, for f**ks sake this is a Hospital, admittedly he had no arms but that shows a real lack of foresight on his part. If you've got no arms, don't buy fruit that needs peeling. Not exactly rocket science is it? Then there was the bloke who had cut himself shaving, little cuts all over the top of his head. Jesus, who taught him to shave? When we were in the desert we had to make do with a piece of tin foil which doubled up as our Razor and mirror. This bloke was trying for the "suedehead" look and failed miserably.
Anyway I've got a few minutes break, time to smoke a couple of B&H.

Shalom

My Bucket's got a hole in it
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Mastermind
Pretty successful day yesterday, I've built up quite a dossier of evidence against this cleaner who is quite obviously taking his job far too seriously. First off he actually changes the water in his bucket pretty regularly, then he carefully rinses out his mop in clean water, but worst of all is the amount of Domestos he is using, he got through an entire bottle yesterday. To make matters worse, he even cleaned the public bogs in the A&E waiting room. Everybody knows that you leave them to fester so nobody wants to linger in there. Still he does have one good point, he leaves some bog rolls on his trolley so I managed to get a few extra supplies in for home.
I'll be seeing his boss later on and will present my evidence so far, I didn't go so far as taking pictures, but I did retrieve his empty Domestos bottle from the bin which I'll send to Tel Aviv for DNA sampling if necessary.
All this has made me take a close look at what all the other cleaners are up to, and I'm pleased to see that they are more than making up for the wastefulness of one of their mates. One of them doesn't even bother putting water in their bucket but just drags a dry mop across the floor. With the efforts of people like that, we'll be able to sit proudly at the top of one of the many NHS league tables, this one being the rate of MRSA infections. It at least makes sure the Hospital gets in the paper once a year.
Of course when we were working in the MASH units during the Six Day War we never even had the luxury of cleaners, and when we ran short of bandages we had to use Donkey shit to dress the wounds, although for some reason we only ever ran out when we got round to the Arab patients...Ahhhh...those were the days.

Shalom

I Turn To Stone
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Blue's Clues
Well all in all a good weekend, good KFC and some nice hot Bagels. Pity about Chelsea/Fulham not playing too well but can't win them all, plus it was nice of them to let the Jewish team win.
Back at the Hospital today and I have a special assignment. I've been told to keep an eye on one of our cleaners. They suspect he has been using too much cleaning gear as the rate of MRSA has dropped in the area he is responsible for. The cleaning company are obviously concerned about their profits, and he should only be using one bottle of Domestos a week. They think he might be getting through a bottle a day and that's not on. So I'm in disguise and keeping at a discreet distance as I prowl around the corridors. I have enough evidence to get him in trouble already. I noticed he actually changed the water in his bucket after mopping some of the floor, so he's not only costing his company, he's costing the Hospital too with a higher water and gas bill...the bastard.
It's nice to be doing something with some secrecy attached to it for a change. I enjoy pushing my trolley around, but it lacks a certain something that sliding down ropes from Helicopters onto embassy rooftops has. I've often thought that the Medical Helicopter should deliver any patients to us in that way too, be quicker that's for sure, but whenever I bring it up to the powers that be they don't want to know.
Anyway my cleaner has just finished his lunch so it's back to work. I weighed his Domestos bottle before he went to lunch so I know how much he has used. I'll check it again at the end of the day.

Shalom

Hopelessly Devoted To You
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Hornby Railways
I decided to hit KFC in the end yesterday, bought myself a Bargain Bucket, and slumped back in the hot seat at home watching my Trumpton video box set which I'd ordered off of Amazon the other week. I enjoy a bit of puppet on puppet action, and this certainly met my needs. The KFC was delicious by the way, but before you lot think I ate the whole box, I decided to send a couple of drumsticks to Mossad scientists back in Jerusalem for analysis so the Colonel's secret recipe can be revealed once and for all, or at least to me so I can cook my own stuff at home rather than pay the price KFC want for it.
I sort of passed out as I decided to hit the booze and had half a can of Carlsberg with my meal.
This morning it was business as usual, hopped on the bike up to the Bagel bake, and as I type I have some steaming hot Bagels waiting for me to enjoy. They'll go down well with tape 2 of the Trumpton collection. Mind you with old Saddam Hussein being given his marching orders today maybe I'll settle for knocking back the rest of the Carlsberg. They really could have saved themselves a lot of time and trouble by just giving Mossad the contract in the first place, rather than going through a trial, that's cost a lot of money and didn't really make good TV either.
Anyway the Butter is leaking out of the Bagels, and I'm hungry.

Shalom

You're The One That I Want
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Ken Dodd's Tax Evasion game
Well, it's always tough getting out of bed in the morning, even tougher when it's a Saturday and you have to go and listen to Rabbi Goldberg's inane ramblings as he reads more from the works of Toyah Wilcox. Now Goldberg's not really that bad a bloke, he'll stand his round in Starbucks for instance, but the geezer's never seen any action, he never had the right stuff to become a Special Forces Rabbi, and I'm think he's jealous of those of us who made into elite sections of the Army. I'm think that explains his endorsement of a rival candidate in the council election.
Had a good long chat with Benny this morning, and he has got some outfits he wants me to try. Apparently they will definitely make me stand out from the crowd. He calls them a retro Germanic style of clothing, and has offered to post pictures on the website once I'm've done some posing in them so everyone can see what a strong leader I'm'd make.
I'm not sure yet how I'm'm going to spend the rest of my day. I'm might perch up on the roof opposite the local Mosque and hone my sniping skills by taking imaginary head shots at anyone entering the place. I'm might even go shopping, but I can't do that until Tesco's reduce the prices on the stuff they want to get rid of. My strongest urge though is for some KFC and I'm think that'll win in the end. They're always going on about the secret blend of herbs and spices, and I'm think it's time I'm started to investigate that.

Shalom

Let's Get Physical
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Beethoven's 9th Symphony
Well I'm back again, I spent the day away from this for more than one reason. One of them was that I was feeling f***ing lazy, which isn't really unusual I suppose, but the main reason was that it was time for my annual Mossad medical and skills refresher.
For many years we used to do it at some place near Hereford. It was something to do with a Scandinavian Airline if I remember correctly, and boy it must have been tough to get a flight attendants job with them, although I'm not too sure about their customer service skills. No women either which probably confirms what I've always thought about geezers who do that job and that is that they're a bunching of f***ing poofs.
Anyway like any organisation, Mossad has had to watch the old purse strings, although being a Jewish body this has always been a requirement. Now we go to Tesco's in Milton Keynes and use the free blood pressure testing machine just inside the door, then we go to some place where we spend 15 minutes playing Laser Tag or something. I tell you some of those seven year olds are really f***ing sharp, so to get through the time frame without being shot more than 10 times is pretty good going. As per usual I passed with no problem, although spending most of the time hiding behind a barrel helped, and my mysterious ID card with the Star of David on it has been stamped for another year.
Got back here late last night - well trying to dodge ticket inspectors on the train is time consuming, they don't pay us any expenses - and just crashed out. It's a nice feeling though to be passed as fit for another year, and I look forward to being available to sorting out all the international crisis that they can throw at me.

Shalom

Taking a breather
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Nothing
Well as everything is so quiet and for once I have nothing to say, I'm going to give the computer a rest for a couple of days.
I have a few things planned during that time, and I'll be back on Friday - that's the 3rd of November for those of you who can't count - to lighten up cyberspace a bit.
See you then.

Shalom

A Nightmare On Elm Street
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: The Monster Mash
Things really have settled into a bit of a routine again, I eat, sleep, "work". Unlike the old days, I can't even spice things up by hanging around with East End Gangsters, or taking out undesirables with a head shot. Political correctness has even infiltrated Mossad, and we're now required to arrange an appointment with any potential victim, where they agree to stand in front of the appropriate window at the correct time. Ever since this policy was introduced, the assassination rate has plummeted, but so have the number of complaints and I suppose that's what the pen pushers wanted. At least we managed to get them to scrap the idea of sending out equal opportunities forms beforehand. I have this feeling that a lot of our clients may have fallen into a particular category.
So it looks like I'll be spending a fair bit of time this week twiddling with the knobs on my shortwave radio trying to pick up any chatter which may either put someone in a position worthy of the front page of the News Of The World, or maybe I can make a few extra shekels nicking the fares off of Mini Cab firms.
Whatever, if it's this dull tomorrow, I may have to dip into the old postbag once more and see what I can reply to without giving away state secrets.

Shalom

Close Encounters Of The Third Kind
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: With my Meccano set
There's nothing better on a Sunday afternoon than lying back in your armchair, with butter from a red hot Bagel dripping down your chin. It's bliss, even if it is a bit messy.
Looks like ex councillor Liebeman isn't the only high ranking Jew in trouble. I see that the president of our Kosher state has also been dallying in things he shouldn't have been. These people who think they've made it big think they can get away with anything. Unfortunately for them, there are people like me who have the job to make sure they are kept in their place.
Benny has been unusually friendly lately, I get the impression that he thinks the Window Cleaning Alliance actually stand a chance in the upcoming election. Benny was never particularly friendly with Liebeman, but he tells me he can almost smell the corridors of power in our grasp. Bit dramatic in the language there, but I'm more concerned that there may be a split in the Jewish vote and Labour or something will get in. Benny has some ideas about how we can really grab the attention of the voters, and at some stage this week, we'll get together and discuss them. He doesn't seem too keen on that window cleaning bloke getting involved for some reason though.
Anyway, they're paging me in the Hospital, which means they've either discovered a dodgy looking package, uncovered a terrorist, or some OAP has got their wheelchair stuck in the bog door again.

Shalom