Taking a break
Mood:  d'oh
My backside is still feeling a bit sore from Saturday's "treatment" but at least it looks like my routine is getting back to normal.
Benny had a good old laugh at my expense when I told him what I'd been through, turns out there had been a typing error on my list of quacks and I should have gone to Harley Street instead of Marley Street. he reckons I was "serviced" by some geezer who used to be in the Village People. I'm still walking funny too, I'm not so sure that fingers was all the bloke used.
Anyway the big news here at the hospital is that they're going to be changing the way people access the network here. Apparently because it's all wireless these days, some bastards are using it like a freebie Internet service and that won't do. They're taking the wireless out of action for a while and people will have to plug into walls like the old days. I checked the bog and I don't see one of those plugs in here. Being in a relatively lowly position, I'm not entitled to a password or anything so I will have to wait until Mossad's IT department work out a way to get me in to the network. That's a pretty roundabout way of saying that updates might be a bit hit and miss for a few days. You don't think I'm going to pay to use the Internet do you? It's generally different at the weekends as I can hover around outside Starbucks or something, but during the week I have to make a daily report to Tel Aviv so have to scurry off home to use the secure line.
So, looks like you won't see me again until Saturday unless the experts come up with something.

Shalom

Flushed away
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Smokey's greatest hits
Sorry about the lack of update yesterday, my trip to the proctologist took a bit longer than expected.
I don't know how many of you lot have ever visited a proctologist recently, it's the ideal job for a f&cking poof who enjoys shoving his fingers up someones arse all day long, and I wasn't too sure about this geezer I went to see yesterday. First off the rainbow coloured flag above the door should have set alarm bells ringing, then when I walked in there the f*cking music drove me mad. f*cking YMCA played over and over again. When I finally did get to see the quack, he wasn't interested in my Mossad Health Insurance details, he wanted cash upfront and wouldn't give me a receipt. I also don't know many quacks who dress all in leather either.
Anyway to cut a long story short, this quack really did need to learn a few things about hygiene. He wasn't even going to wear gloves, and after I complained the only ones he did have were the individual finger types. I think I was a problem case though, as he kept muttering to himself that I was a little tight for a good fisting. Still he obviously knew what he was doing, and the cause of my blockage was found. I'd forgotten that when we fought the Six Day war we all kept an Uzi clip concealed somewhere for an emergency. No wonder I'd been shitting bullets for the last few days!
Even though he asked me to come back so he could loosen me up a bit more, I don't think I'll be going back, he's done his job as far as I'm concerned, plus I'm walking a bit funny, I'm sure that will pass.
It's good though as I can now partake in Bagels after a few days break, and I'm going to treat myself with an extra helping. Then I'm going to write a nasty letter to the Mossad Insurance Programme telling them about this quack's hygiene policy, I don't think it's the level of service us agents should be getting.

Shalom

Never Ending Story
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Anything by Eamon Holmes
Now I know what my bog must feel like if I have had a particularly heavy session on the Bagels and I've chucked too much paper into it. Yep I'm still clogged up, drank half a gallon of prune juice last night, but as I sit here there has still been no end product. I did speak to Benny last night about it and how I didn't want to see one of the quacks here. Apparently I'm still enrolled in the Mossad private health scheme according to him so this morning I scanned a very dodgy looking list that Benny had left on my doorstep and I think I found what I'm looking for.
So tomorrow, after Synagogue, I'll be off down to Marley Street in Brixton to see Dr Arschloch a very famous proctologist, at least he was until he had a falling out with the BMA over an incident involving some geezer with Down's syndrome and a pair of underpants.
All this inability to do my business is interfering with intelligence gathering here at the hospital. I keep darting into the bog at the first sign of activity only to be disappointed with the results, I'm not concentrating on anything else, and for a man in my position that could be fatal, you never know when some Arab who I stopped getting on a plane at JFK might try and take me down.
Anyway depending on what happens tomorrow I may be able to update or I may not, we'll see what the man can do.

Shalom

This is getting worse
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Beethoven's 9th Symphony
Jesus my arse aches this morning, I'm getting pretty backed up and despite my best efforts nothing is happening. I want to try and get it sorted out before the weekend otherwise I'll have to use my own bog paper and that will never do.
I see the hospital is in a flap over this MRSA lark again. I'm not sure what this particular terrorist group are all about and why it seems to be targeting the NHS. I think hospital management has gone about it all the wrong way though. Installing hand cleaner and splashing out for an extra bottle of Domestos is hardly going to put off a determined terrorist. Maybe I should have a quiet word with some people I know in Jerusalem, they don't need much of an excuse to blow up a few Arabs.
I'm on a bit of a downer this morning because I'm getting a bit of stick from the other lads over Fulham/Chelsea's match last night. I actually think we did quite well, after all look at the size of Wycombe and then look at Fulham/Chelsea. Am I to blame for the fact that my team has a little extra money to spend because it's more financially astute. If everyone is so upset it's not a problem to get a few Eastern Europeans involved in your own team, there's hundreds of them arriving every day if the Daily Mail is to be believed, so go and hang around Victoria Station or Stansted airport and bag a couple.
Well looks like I'm struggling again, could be time for the prune juice diet. Someone suggested I go and see a doctor but if you think I'm going to let one of these f*cking clowns lose on me you've got another thing coming.

Shalom

State of the union
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: God Save The Queen
I've been sitting on the bog for the last five minutes, not only am I suffering from writers block, I also suffering from constipation.
Now many years ago, I would have put this down to my Mossad training. One of the things we were taught at secret agent school was the ability to not go for a dump for a week. However I haven't been using that stuff for a while so my expert opinion is that I'm bunged up.
Still it's not as if I'm busy so I can spend a bit of time sitting here trying to will something out. Problem is I've got nothing to write about, the hospital is running smoothly, there are no weird patients hanging around, and I've got no international crisis to comment on or deal with, and this time of year there is no Milk Tray to deliver as everybody keeps their windows locked.
So today I think I'll keep this short and try and concentrate on the business in hand. If anybody has any ideas how I can speed things along, let me know.

Shalom

Performance Review
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Haircut 100's greatest hit
It's great doing what I do, the opportunities to avoid work are incredible, it's almost as good as when I was working for that Underground railway somewhere in London.
Skulking round by the bins as I took my 17th fag break of the day I began to wonder if I really want Mossad to give me a new assignment. While I enjoy breaking and entering, abseiling down buildings, guarding airports in the USA, being able to abuse Arabs, and more than anything, wearing all black outfits, it would mean I'd have to actually make an effort from time to time. Here I can read the papers (gathering intelligence I call it), spend ages in the bog, and smoke away without fear that some marksman somewhere will blow my bloody head off.
So I'm quite glad that the powers that be in Tel Aviv have asked me to continue in my current undercover role for at least another year. I did keep it quiet, but Tel Aviv does like us all to rotate around every now and again so we don't go stale, but according to my latest performance review I am uniquely suited to my current assignment. As Carly Simon once said "Nobody does it better".
So instead of spending hours in cars, pissing into bottles as I do a stake out on yet another Jewish business that opens on a Saturday - Marks and Spencer and Tesco are guilty of this but Mossad's resources are stretched pretty thin - I can burrow further into the realms of the NHS system.

Shalom

I've started so I'll finish
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Mastermind
After all the activity of the weekend it's nice in a way to feel the familiar weight of the trolley as I push it around the corridors of the hospital. It's amazing how smoothly my one glides along in comparison to some of the others. That's what happens when you go private when you replace the wheels, you get a better quality of gear.
I've managed to avoid any real work so far today, when everyone sees you pushing a trolley they assume you must be on your way to somewhere, especially if you put a few blankets and sheets on it, so they leave you alone. That's a little trick I learned while working in the Israeli army MASH unit, although I only did it when we were expecting a load of Arabs in.
So Magnus Magnusson has popped his clogs I see. Can't say I'll miss him too much to tell the truth. Me and Magnus had a bit of a falling out quite a few years back. First off I was employed by the BBC as a consultant on the show due to my experience with interrogations, and I thought the black chair under a spotlight was a little bit Namby Pamby. I thought it would have been far more effective to suspend contestants from the ceiling by their feet with a set of elctrodes on their nipples. Every time they passed or got an answer wrong they'd get a shock. Now that really would have made the contestants sweat. Magnus rejected that idea, I think the BBC were looking to cut their power bill.
A few years later I applied to be a contestant myself. My specialist subjects were going to be Mossad Death Squad activity between 1968 - 1973, and the history of the Brick Lane Bagel Bake. Apparently he laughed out loud when he read my form and thought I was taking the piss. I wasn't pleased.
Anyway I've managed to avoid work for another few minutes but I'm worried someone who has been caught short might not see my power lead trailing over the bog floor and go flying head first into the urinal. Seeing as the urinal is blocked, that wouldn't be very pleasant.

Shalom

There's an awful lot of coffee in Starbucks
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: Anything sung by anyone from Eastenders
Sorry for the late update today, I was so hyper after sinking what must have been about seventeen cups of coffee in Starbucks yesterday that I needed something to burn some of the energy off.
To do that I decided to take a trip down the Edgware Road - the part where all the Arabs hang out - and see if I could generate a little bit of action down there by cycling up and down waving an Israeli flag. Sadly I got stuck behind a tractor being driven by some geezer wearing an Ipswich shirt, and by the time I got up to Tower Bridge my enthusiasm had worn off a little, plus I'd realised that in all the excitement I'd packed a Welsh flag and not an Israeli one.
Anyway I didn't get home until late (about 9 pm) and sat there twiddling the knobs on the radio until I fell asleep. Nothing interesting on there either, it really is a slow time of year.
Brick Lane was nice and quiet this morning too, the Christmas rush is well and truly over so with my Bagels in my saddlebag I thought I'd take a trip down memory lane and check out a few of the places me, Ronnie and Reggie would hang about in. There's the Blind Beggar of course which I notice now has railings outside where you can chain up your bike. Why they didn't have them all those years ago I've no idea. Maybe there's more thieves about. The billiard hall in Mile End has long gone, replaced by a mosque or something, I should remember that.
So today I'm going to laze about, I sure won't be visiting Starbucks for a while, not if that's the effect coffee is going to have on me, plus I had to make so many trips to the bog it's unreal.

Shalom

Synagogue Saturday
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Celebrity Big Brother
Well it's Saturday, so I dutifully donned the bike clips and zoomed off down to the Synagogue to see if the New Year means a fresh approach from Goldberg. Well you guessed it, it was the usual old bullshit. Still it gave me the opportunity to wear my new safety skull cap which I've taken to wearing whenever I'm on my bike. Bright Yellow, made of plastic with some Styrofoam inside. I'm trying it out at the request of Mossad scientists, if it works out well, it'll become standard issue to all agents.
Some of you have asked what happened to the part time job I had at the Pizza place. Well to tell the truth I wasn't really cut out for that line of work. Sure I was good at it, what else would I be, and I sure was determined to make sure the Pizza arrived. I think the final straw was the fact that I ended up having to abseil down the side of a building one night after nobody answered the door. Took me f*cking ages to sort out the gear and can you believe the bastard never gave me a tip.
Anyway I was going to carry on the review of 2006 and I thought to myself why the f*ck should I bother now? If you really wanted to know what I was up to you could just go back and read through the f*cking archives on this site. So as far as I'm concerned that's it, we're all square.
Since Synagogue finished this morning I've been hanging around in Starbucks, the electricity is free, and I've found a way to hack in to their wireless network. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, you quite often see people sitting on the comfy chairs in Starbucks doing absolutely nothing, not even drinking f*cking coffee. At least I'm having the decency to help out their staff. Place would be full of half drunk cups of coffee if I didn't finish them off...well you didn't think I'd pay the price they ask for that shit do you?
I am paying a price for all this though, I need another piss and I just spotted the fact that nobody is in the bog.

Shalom

Flushed with success
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: Sounds from the public convenience
Squatting in trap 3 as I do at about the same time every day (Bagels are good for your Bowel movements) to type this thing out not only while being paid, but actually for free, you hear some interesting things. No I'm not talking about the geezer straining next door after his had a night on the Guinness (normally confirmed by a shout of Jesus when he no doubt checks out what he's done), but by the conversations you hear between those blokes 'shaking hands with the unemployed' at the Urinals.
Yesterday I heard a couple of the quacks chatting about the geezer with variable bad back syndrome. I knew they were talking about him because one of them was referring to a big ginger c*nt. Turns out that he has a history of being thrown out of chairs, even happened on a plane once according to them. Now I've flown hundreds of times, and the only time I've been thrown out of an aircraft seat is when I was a bit slow off the mark to take part in a HALO drop over Brixton. Anyway one of the quacks was thinking that maybe he's having a nerve spasm or something that causes him to be thrown across the room. He's thinking of writing about it in 'The Lancet'. I know the ginger geezer won't be too keen on that. He's made a fortune out of compensation from chair manufacturers, most of which he has pumped into the Civil War movement (don't ask me how he got into Abraham Lincoln and all) so he'd have to give it back if they can prove it's a medical condition. I'll be keeping my ears to the ground about this one, although of course if someone spots me looking from underneath the door of the toilet cubicle they might get a tad suspicious.
I'll continue the review of 2006 tomorrow, someone has just shuffled in to the next trap, and by the smell of it had a rough curry last night, and I forgot my breathing gear so before I get overcome by the fumes I'd better get out.

Shalom

Review of the year continues
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Monopoly
Well hanging around the A&E ended up pretty boring yesterday. Didn't see anyone else who looked familiar, just the usual assortment of Junkies and weirdos who are regulars there and the patients. I was asked to stay on for a few extra hours because of some coach crash but I'd had my fill for the day, plus I'd recorded a few episodes of Eastenders over Christmas and hadn't got round to watching them properly. You'd be surprised how much you can learn about life in Britain by closely following a programme like that. Needless to say I'll be filing my report to Mossad later in the week.
The review of the year takes us into February today, the shortest month of the year and probably the least active where I was concerned. Now what did I do in February? I attended the opening of the Newspaper stall outside Tooting Bec station, I'm on record as the 7th person to buy a copy of the Evening Standard there, only picked that up because they didn't have a copy of the West Bank Times. Also that was when Benny and me had our first chat about putting my thoughts and actions in writing and displaying them to the world on a daily basis. This whole thing is really Benny's idea, I really must buy him a drink one day, I think they have Panda Cola going cheap down at the local corner shop, must stop by on the way home.
Well sounds like someone has just assumed the position in the trap next door so I'd better be going.

Shalom

F*cking technical problems
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Prince Charming
Well that was a great start to 2007 wasn't it? No update yesterday from me. I'll use the old chestnut excuse of technical difficulties. First off the battery in my laptop went flat, then the plug socket in the bogs wasn't working. When I eventually found one that worked, the hospital wireless network was down. Talk about a pain in the arse. I tried everything, even NHS Direct, all they wanted to know was whether I had a headache or something. They told me to go and see a doctor for my pain in the arse, they just didn't get it. Anyway there are only so many trips you can make to the bog without people noticing and I'm glad to see everything is up and running normally today.
Not that anything dramatic happened. I was loitering around the A&E and I noticed that big ginger haired geezer with the variable bad back was sitting there. Turns out his recliner threw him across the living room while he was watching some Larry Grayson. He reckons he was thrown so violently that there is now a dent in his living room wall. He's looking for a few weeks off work to recover which he knows the tame quack here will give him. I asked him what he'll do while he's off and he said something about sharpening his Pike. I've no idea what that means.
Now that we've rung in 2007, I guess we can start with a review of 2006. Let's start with January. Well at that stage I wasn't laying my thoughts before you, so you'll have to take my word for it that the Bagels were tasty and I managed to wriggle out of a charge of breaking and entering. You'll be amazed how many fall for the old Milk Tray routine. Why was I breaking and entering? Well certain high powered individuals are still looking for reasons to have invaded certain places. I'd broken into the HQ of Pontin's to see if I could find confirmation of their plans to build a camp near Baghdad. Let's face it, does the world really need another one. Well I was caught red handed with a copy of their latest brochure, which sad to say didn't mention their Middle East enterprise at all. The mysterious ID card with the Star of David on it, plus a box of Milk Tray saved the day again. I walked away a free man.
OK, better be going, time to see if anyone else I know has shown up in A&E.

Shalom

Welcome to 2007
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Marcus Welby MD
What a f*cking miserable New Year's eve that turned out to be. I didn't bother going to work, I push enough trolleys around a year, why bother looking for extra. I declined Benny's invitation to what the invite said was 'A Celebration of Leather' I don't know about you, but that sort of thing always concerns me. In the end I thought I'd spend the evening with the Window Cleaner on the 93, only to find my Travelcard had expired and they wouldn't let me on the bus. Why didn't I cycle I hear you ask...well even though I have the mysterious ID card with the Star of David on it, I think the Police have enough to do on New Year's Eve without being humiliated by me.
So I spent the night nursing a can of Tennant's Super I'd been saving for a special occasion listening to my radio as the New Year was cheered in over the world. I also learned that Bulgaria and Romania are now members of the EU. They sort of sneaked that one in didn't they, more f*cking scroungers are no doubt on their way here, I bet that Ryanair lot can't wait to set up a few new routes there, lots of one way tickets will be sold.
I did go to those countries once, I was part of a special Mossad squad who had the task of carrying out a sensitive operation. Apparently the Bulgarians had made a bit of a leap in washing machine technology and we had the task of getting the secret. It all went well until we got back to the Airport, the bastards wouldn't let us take the machine on board as hand luggage, and we weren't going to pay the excess baggage charge to put it in the hold. We did think about dismantling the thing and bringing it back piece by piece, someone even suggested that the drum would fit in my mouth, but we hadn't packed our Israeli Army screwdrivers so we left it behind. The big secret by the way was that they'd fitted a window in the door so you could watch your washing go round and round.
Over the next few days, I'll start raking over 2006 to see if anything noteworthy actually happened.

Shalom

Another Year almost over
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Auld Lang Syne
I was going to do a review of the year today but as someone told me the year doesn't officially end for a few more hours, plenty of time for something dramatic to happen and for me to be called into action.
Still it was back into the old routine today, cycle to Brick Lane, Bagel Bake, a bit of shopping, then back home. Not so busy on the roads, well Christmas is over and everybody is probably busy getting pissed for New Year's Eve.
I still haven't worked out what to do tonight, do I go with Benny, do I ride the Bus with the window cleaner, or do I spend the night at work earning treble time and practicing martial arts on unsuspecting drunks in the A&E at work? It's purely voluntary to go in on a New Year's Eve and I've never done it myself, the other lads tell me it's good fun so I'm mightily tempted.
See all the fuss about Saddam is beginning to die down a bit, and about time too. One Newspaper which shall remain nameless for legal reasons - it sells to a specialised audience anyway - was giving away Saddam execution hoods today. Apparently you can be the real life and soul of the party by going to your New Year's Eve event done up just like the poor old misunderstood former dictator of Iraq. Problem is, wouldn't you be bumping into things all the time? The hood if I remember had no holes in it for the eyes, still it would work if you are dog ugly...or have big ears.
Anyway that about wraps it up this year for me, maybe I'll get my arse in gear and we'll look back at my action filled life of 2006 tomorrow, I'll see how I feel.
Happy New Year.

Shalom

Hang 'em High
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: Rope dealers of Baghdad
Jesus am I tired this morning. I got the word that old Saddam was going to dangle just before I was about to hit the sack last night. Excited as I was, I stayed up all night long to watch Fox News's 'Saddam's Execution' special. I was hoping for a few live pictures, but thinking about it the geezer at the end of the rope wouldn't have been very live so it wouldn't have made good viewing, bit like watching Bolton play football actually. Anyway I expect in the next few days, the rope they hung Saddam with will appear on Ebay, and the actual video will appear somewhere online, probably alongside Britney Spear's latest appearance, failing that I'm sure 'The Sun' or 'The Daily Mail' will have a free copy of the DVD to give away to every reader in the New Year.
Of course when I got to the Synagogue this morning it was the biggest topic of conversation. Even Goldberg was moved enough to mention it, but that geezer is so out of touch he also stated that Ribbentrop and co were done at the same time. Now I'm no history buff, but I don't remember Saddam being a member of the Nazi party, wouldn't be surprised though, you'd be amazed at who is on the list that Mossad have got.
I reckon that Saddam dangling will be the last exciting event of the year, and I wasn't even involved in it. If I had been it would have been Pepsi Max and Milk Tray all round afterwards, I don't want to sound boastful but I did send one of my surplus black hoods out to Baghdad a couple of days ago in the hope that it might come in handy, sounds like the bastard declined the offer though, complained that it smelt a bit of Cream Cheese. You try doing an all night stake out without eating, it's not easy especially down Brick Lane.
Anyway if I get up early enough tomorrow I might do a review of the year, if not you'll get the usual bullshit!

Shalom

Deal Or No Deal
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Diddy David Hamilton
F*cking hospital plumbing! It took me half an hour yesterday to sort out that bog, that'll teach me for using so much bog paper I suppose, plus I normally flush my secret Mossad messages at the same time. I'll have to think of a new way of disposing of them.
I've been taken to task for my extravagant lifestyle by one of the readers of this pile of crap. He reckons that I shouldn't boast about spending money at Argos or dining at KFC on a regular basis. Well I take the point, maybe I have been a bit wasteful with my Mossad gift card and in 2007 I'll try and be a bit more thrifty. In future I'll only go to the Halal Fried Chicken in Tooting Broadway and I'll shop at charity shops instead. I will draw the line though at supporting organisations like the Salvation Army. They should get their money from the Government like any other military body.
Talking of 2007 it's New Year's Eve on Sunday, and Benny has got an invite to some little event and wants me to join him. Something to do with the fashion industry is what he tells me. I'm not so sure about that and besides I do have another offer to ride along on the 93 with the Window Cleaner, that may be more fun.
Anyway I'm going to take a little more time over flushing today so I'd better cut this short.

Shalom

The day after yesterday
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Dad's Army
Can't spend too long here today, I'm hoping to be able to sneak out early, a small bonus if you like for playing that red coated geezer on Monday.
Everyone at the hospital is banging on about this government report that reckons people spend longer in a hospital if they get admitted on a Thursday. Only 6.1 days, f*ck me they even include the three days you spend sitting in a corridor being ignored, always the same with these intellectual types, making things sound worse than they actually are. Of course there aren't so many elite trolley pushers around at weekends either, someone like me for instance is excused Saturdays on religious grounds plus the fact that I'm a lazy bastard who can't be bothered to drag his arse out of bed unless the Milk Tray or Pepsi Max delivery is due.
I've gone back to spending my evenings playing with the Shortwave radio I got at Argos a few months back. It's amazing how much shit you'll find on there, crap like Radio 1, Capital Radio amongst others. I did manage to get something from Radio Tirana last night, a very educational programme about how to claim benefits in the UK. My god those geezers were well informed, and it's nice to see that a nation's people are being kept informed about developments in other countries. It's much cheaper to do this sort of thing over the radio rather than organise clandestine missions where you'd have to immerse yourself in another culture so you wouldn't stand out. Some countries call this a cultural exchange, Israel calls it Mossad. I managed to visit over a hundred countries thanks to them, and I've got the photos to prove it.
Anyway, duty calls, plus for some reason the flush in this bog isn't doing its job and I might have to go and find a plunger.

Shalom

The Sound Of Silence
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Roger Whittaker
So it's back into the old routine. There really is something soothing about the squeak of the wheels of the trolley against a recently waxed corridor, I really did miss that noise.
Not much has been going on at the hospital since I left. The place is still full of sick people, that's something that'll never change, they're like a never ending conveyor belt. Mind you I think most of them are wimps, don't even look sick, now having your leg blown off or having to undergo emergency surgery in the field, that's being sick, coming in here for a sex change operation, that's taking the piss.
Some of the lads have been giving me a bit of stick about my performance in the election, but that's ok. I increased the UJF vote by an enormous amount so I'm pretty proud really. At least I had the guts to stand up and be counted, although that is nothing new for me. Look at all the incidents that have occurred and you'll always see me at the front of the action. The Raid on Entebbe, Fairoaks Airport Massacre, Milk Tray ads, The Shooting of George Cornell, The eviction of Tubby Isaacs from Petticoat Lane, the list goes on and on. Sadly though none of these acts have received official recognition, a necessary evil when you have to work undercover. If I'm ever allowed to retire, then maybe I could write my life story, I already have a title in mind.
Anyway there's someone groaning on the trolley outside the bogs, that'll be my guy, I'm supposed to be taking him up to surgery or something so I guess I'd better get him up there before they close the theatre due to fog.

Shalom

The First Noel
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day
Thank f*ck for that, I've been able to dump that stupid f*cking outfit and stop acting like I enjoy being a happy c*nt.
Settled down last night for the usual dose of Christmas entertainment, that's right I broke out my Man From U.N.C.L.E boxset. I refuse to watch shit like The Vicar Of Dibley on the grounds that they are anti semitic. The TV planners should really remember that a large number of us ain't interested in some fat chocolate eating tart, or watching Pauline Fowler getting her comeuppance. Now if they'd had her bumped off by an Israeli death squad I would have watched it. I don't know why we can't have some more Jewishness this time of year, how about The Rabbi of Tooting or something. About the only Jewboy you see on TV this time of year - apart from Jesus - is that Fagin character from Oliver, and while he is pretty accurate, they always get an ugly actor to play him.
Anyway watching Robert Vaughan as Napoleon Solo and that other bloke play that Russian was the ideal antidote, although I must say some of the way they deal with things is a little far fetched, for instance my suit quite often got a little ruffled while climbing a wall, their ones always stay nicely pressed, maybe Mossad skimped on our suits although I find that hard to believe being as Israel proudly boasts the best tailors in the world.
So I can't wait until this Christmas lark is over and we can all get back to being miserable so and so's. Next week it'll be a new year and I'm quite looking forward to it as I'll be moving up the seniority ranks and might get some tasty new assignments.

Shalom

So This Is Christmas
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Father Christmas
Ho f*cking Ho, if I have to say that one more time when some f*cking obnoxious little brat throws up on me I'll think I'll go berserk in the local shopping centre. This morning the Duty Trolley Manager thought it'd be a nice touch for one of us to do the Rolf Harris bit on Christmas day and dish out a little Christmas cheer while dressed up in some dodgy red outfit. My name came out of the hat apparently (I wasn't there so I can't be certain it wasn't fixed), so I've spent the morning trooping around the corridors go ho f*cking ho every five minutes and laughing every time somebody tugs at the false beard I've been given. I was also given a lot of plastic tat to dish out to the kids.
This Christmas lark has always bothered me. First off if this Santa geezer is so secretive why the f*ck does he dress in a bright red outfit, that's not the way clandestine operatives work. How the f*ck does the fat bastard get down chimneys and through air conditioning systems? Where's he get all the money to pay for all the crap he gives away, and last but not least how the f*ck does he get reindeer to move that fast? Mossad have missed a trick or two here let me tell you, maybe instead of trying to infiltrate anti Jewish organisations and bumping off prominent Arabs and ex Nazis, the talents of Mossad would be put to better use working all of this out. Solve this mystery and we could rule the world plus take a healthy cut of the profits.
Also all this fuss for some Jewish geezer's birthday? Don't remember anyone going to all this extreme to celebrate mine, but thinking about it that's not a bad idea. It would be easier to work out who I am if there were banners everywhere marking the occasion, and for a secret operative like me, keeping low is for the best.
Anyway, even though I've not always been a good boy it's still nice that Santa still thinks of me. This morning when I leapt out of bed to shove a Bagel in the microwave, I found he'd left me a brand new clip for my Uzi, a Kevlar helmet, and an old PLO codebook signed by Yassar Arafat.
So for those of you not stuffed with Turkey and booze, have a happy Christmas, and don't end up in casualty as I'm in a bad mood and I can't guarantee your safety. Ho f*cking Ho.

Shalom