Never mind the quality...feel the width
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Paintball
Wow what a week that was. Didn't get a chance to look up any dodgy connections as I was sent on a residential course about violence in the NHS. Didn't know anything about it until the last minute but I always keep a spare Kevlar vest packed just in case of emergencies like this, so off I went.
It was nice to get away from the hospital for a few days, and I must admit Stratford in London is quite different in the daylight. I rarely venture this far east, last time I did I had my bike nicked, the area has really gone downhill since Ronnie and Reggie left the scene. It's almost like a different country these days, and all my injections which the Israeli military gave me certainly come in useful.
Anyway the course was complete and utter bollocks like most of these courses are. Some daft bint telling us how to avoid getting slapped. Bet the dopey cow has never seen any action unlike me...I've seen loads. Well that's beside the point, I've always believed that the main problem with violence in the NHS is that there's not enough of it for a toughened old veteran like me. I also found that if I whip out my Uzi any problems seem to disappear anyway. When I got up and made my thoughts known everyone in the room looked shocked. Dopey bastards...bunch of lily livered c*nts the lot of them.
Got back from the course last night, and synagogue this morning. I really feel like getting hold of some anthrax and passing it onto that boring bastard Goldberg sometimes, I can't wait until he goes on holiday and we get a relief rabbi in for a couple of weeks. That Bin Laden bloke last year was pretty good, hopefully Rent a Rabbi can provide someone as good this year.

Shalom

Sky Sports Super Sunday
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Motspur Park Is Not Enough
Well I thought I'd combine a shopping run with another update. Having this supermarket trolley attached to the laptop and my bike is really making me mobile,and the fact that I could hack into another network while cycling up to the Bagel Bake is a real bonus.
Some of you asked me if I made it down the Synagogue yesterday, of course I did, but I don't hold much influence down there anymore, everyone seems to have gone anti-mossad since Liebeman's disgrace, and whilst I am a covert operative, it seems some people have worked out my true occupation. I suppose turning up from time to time in an all black outfit with climbing gear and have a dozen boxes of Milk Tray in tow wasn't the brightest idea I've ever had. Almost on par with me and Benny trying to set up a gas powered shower company. Seems some people are a bit touchy about that sort of thing.
Also a couple of you have asked why they didn't see me at last weeks Oscar ceremony seeing as I'm a big mate with all the stars and the like. Well to cut a long story short I was needed at the hospital on Monday, and I couldn't get the day off. The US Air Force did offer the use of one of their Supersonic spy planes to get me there and back in time, but when I found out they couldn't fit a spare bumper for the fastest VW in the west in the cockpit I declined their kind offer. Oscars are shit these days anyway, Kirk tells me he doesn't even bother to go himself, and as for John Wayne...well I haven't heard from him for years...the bastard.
Anyway I'm going to settle back with some nice hot Bagels and watch a rerun of the Battle Of Britain which is loosely based on my escapades as a fighter pilot during the six day war when I held many a dogfight with an Egyptian pilot over the skies of Jerusalem. Pretty hectic stuff back in those days, I'd have to park the plane next to my tank and go and take out an Egyptian position on my own before going back to do a bit more flying. I haven't even included my part in the Israeli Navy...Ahhhhhh happy days.

Shalom

A rare update
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Secret Army
With updates now rarer than an honest politician - or as one wag at work put it, rarer than an honest word out of my mouth...cheeky c*nt) I bet you're all hoping for some bumper update full of juicy gossip and even some real life intelligence which has been gathered by yours truly.
Well I'm going to disappoint, the main reason I haven't been around is because I'm a tight fisted bastard who isn't willing to pay for his Internet, and all those c*nts round Tooting have got wise to me nicking their stuff and applied some security measures. Plus during the week while climbing a post to get a better signal, the laptop fell out of my saddlebag and broke, although the wire coathanger sticking out of the side took most of the impact. Luckily for me, I know lots of geezers in the TV game, and one of them does the Special Effects for Blue Peter. It's amazing what he's managed to do with an old bog roll holder, an empty box of Kosher Flakes and some Sellotape. I think Mossad should sign him up, and I'll be recommending him to Tel Aviv next time I go over there for debriefing.
So I'm taking no more chances this weekend, I'm not using coathangers anymore, I've rigged up a contraption on the front of my bike - OK it's a supermarket trolley - and I have a wire running from there to the laptop. Supermarket trolleys make great aerials it turns out, but make sure you use the metal kind and not the plastic ones. I made that mistake at first. The only thing that pissed me off was the pound I had to use to get the thing out and away from Tesco's car park. Still sometimes you have to speculate to accumulate.
I was thinking of spending some time on my farm in Kent which is one of my best kept secrets. I cycled down there the other day and found a load of those thieving gippo bastards have set up camp on my land. That should be dealt with next week, I've fed to co-ordinates of the place into the Israeli Air Force computer, and I know they've got bombing practice next week. I did have to say it was a Palestinian camp and not a gippo one but to me they're the same thing.
Anyway I'm off shopping, should be back tomorrow with some more bullshit.

Shalom

Hung Over
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: The Two Ronnies
My aching head is killing me, I really meant to update this thing yesterday but I got distracted. While I was at the Synagogue I got an invite to a new Jewish Restaurant called Ma Vitz Mahs, which prides itself on a mixture of Jewish Orthodox and traditional British cooking. A big bonus is the fact that it can stay open on Saturdays because it employs a mixture of staff, not just us Jewboys. Anyway I enjoyed a tasty Pork Curry, and the Tesco Norseman Lager was flowing freely. I don't remember much else, although I'm told I spent half an hour trying to ride a street railing instead of my bike. I got home in the end though, I think it was at least nine O' clock, dirty stop out I am.
Asa result I didn't even make it down to Brick Lane, and I'm now suffering Bagel withdrawal symptoms, now I know what those geezers in that film 'Trainspotting' felt like. That was a strange film, I thought it was going to be about those sad cases in Anoraks on Euston station, and I was looking forward to it maybe taking in the Monorail at Disney world, just to remind me of my first real train experience. Instead I got a load of Scottish junkies, although to tell the truth I've never been able to tell the difference between a Jock who's imbibed a bit too much and one who hasn't. Scottish is one language I haven't mastered.
Just a quick word about the ongoing connection problems and the lack of updates. The hospital has contracted some company in India to sort the new wireless network, but at the moment there's a bit of a housing problem in Slough and the consultants are currently looking somewhere else to rent. Until they arrive I'm going to have to use the coathanger method which doesn't always work.

Shalom

Happy Days Are Here Again
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The Marx Brothers meet London Underground
Can't write for too long as I'm dangling from the side of a building and I think I've just come to a halt outside someone's bedroom. From what I can see, it looks like some people do some pretty unhealthy things with Bananas. I can see where that geezer got his phobia from now, and what this guy is doing with it makes ex-councillor Liebeman's crime against Bagels seem tame.
So what's new? Not much really, about this time of year I start to get really worked up about the injustice that Hollywood has always done me, remaking all my exploits and renaming them as some other movie. I think it's got something to do with the Oscars. The one that's getting me going is "The Last King of Scotland" which is allegedly based on the life of Idi Amin. Well let me tell you something, Old Idi didn't look like much of a king when we kicked his arse at Entebbe. My role in that little exploit is well documented, and the lads were proclaiming me as some sort of Scottish hero because of my devotion to the free peanuts. I think they were trying to say I was a tight fisted bastard, but being Jewish isn't that part of my DNA.
Anyway I really don't think I can dangle here much longer, having seen what this guy did with one Banana he's just picked up a bunch of the bloody things and I'm worried he might ask me to join him.

Shalom

Monday, Monday
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Are You Being Served
Well got to work this morning and to say I was pissed off would be an understatement. The Duty Trolley Manager thinks he can block my move by using some obscure NHS rule. He reckons that tucked away in the rule book is a rule that states that every hospital should have at least one person in my position who has seen action, is adept at breaking into womens' bedrooms and leaving a box of Milk Tray, but most importantly looks good dressed all in black. While I'm pretty flattered that the DTM thinks I look good in black, it's really annoyed me that he can use this rule to stop me. I did check out the other hospitals staff list, and all I can find is a couple of geezers who worked for a Scandinavian airline on their roster.
So today I've been moving my trolley pretty slowly in protest, and I've even considered taking out the DTM with a head shot, but the benches here are pretty low to the ground so rolling underneath them to do that is probably beyond me.
Not much else happening, still using the dodgy Internet connection and I don't know how long it will last, so as I've been saying for a few weeks now, you can expect the odd gap in updates, but just keep checking by as I find some way of doing it eventually.
OK, the DTM has just come out of the bog, if only I had my Uzi loaded my problems would be over.

Shalom

Songs Of Praise
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: The Sound Of Music
Cycling up to Brick Lane I began to think it was time for me to get a new bike. I've had this one for a few years now and it doesn't move as fast as I would like it to, and as the owner of the fastest VW Beetle in the west, you know how much I like speed. Another problem is that the bracket where I normally secure my Uzi has come loose, and the saddlebag has started to fall apart because I've stuffed my black outfit and climbing gear in there once too often. I'd be in a right state if I was asked to carry out any sort of action right now, so I think some time this week I'll pop down to Halfords, and using the Mossad supplied password ask to see their 'Bikes for secret agents department', bet you lot didn't know they had one of them. Even better I get 10% off because I work for the NHS, you can't beat that.
Talking of the NHS, it seems like there is a bit of competition going on for my trolley pushing skills. You see experience like mine doesn't come along very often, and the fact that I've been under fire on more than one occasion also makes me sought after. One hospital is rumoured to be prepared to offer me a Titanium framed trolley and free laundry for my black outfits. I'd be very tempted by that.
Anyway it's Sunday morning and you all know what that means, hot steaming Bagels, plus I bought myself a joblot of wire coat hangers so I don't have to keep pinching the one for my Kevlar vest, all being well these things will keep me in touch with the outside world...we shall see.

Shalom

A Benny Update
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Jim'll Fix It
Well just got back from Synagogue, hung my Kevlar vest on a coat hook, and am using the hanger to tap into this dodgy network.
After reading that e-mail the other day I realised that I didn't have any signed pictures of me to give away. I'd hate to disappoint Mongo and his fellow Mustard Bus riders, so last night I popped by Tooting station and nipped into the passport photo machine there. Now I am the proud owner of some pictures which I can dish out to anyone who wants them. I'm sending a couple to Mongo, one for his ward, and one for his bus. I chose not to use the crayon he'd sent me to sign them though, but I've enclosed a note and the crayon telling him that I rubbed it up and down my Uzi, so whenever he wants to imagine he's a secret agent he just has to sniff it.
The latest from Benny is a little sketchy. I knew he'd been to Poland or something and from his garbled radio transmission the other night I think he found romance while he was over there. From what I can tell, he's knocking about with some Austrian tart called Anne Schluss, at least he kept going on about a union between Austria and Germany, although Benny's not German so that don't fit. Next time I get him on the radio I'll try and clear it up.
Anyway my signal's fading so my guess is the coathanger has moved, plus if I leave the Kevlar vest on a coat hook too long it loses its shape.

Shalom

Just a quickie
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Acker Bilk
Well some genius suggested I shove a coat hanger in the side of my laptop and see if it improves my reception. Sure enough it does the trick, but I'm a bit concerned about the network I'm tapping into, the initials NASA mean something, just can't put my finger on it.
Anyway, you lot know how I like to keep you all up to date with what's happening in the world of spying and covert operations...well I don't know anything about that, those geezers tend to play things close to their chests, but I do have a squeaky wheel on my trolley.
I'd like to share an e-mail I received the other day from a person who for security reasons I can't name but apparently he can often be seen driving around in a mustard coloured bus. I've kept the spelling the same otherwise the thing loses a little something plus I like to show up dopey c*nts who don't know how to use a spell checker

"Deer Misstree Man, I reely like you and yur blog and wen I grow up, I want to keel Arabs just like you. Culd yu tell me somethink. I got one of dose black hoods like wat you wear. Wen I put it on I kant see anythink. The bak of me head gits cold. Wat is wrong, is there some sort of speshial way you lot in mossad use dem or are the instrukshions dat come with the hood not right.
Culd you pleese send me a signed pikture for my ward, we all reely reely like yu.

Mongo

Well he sounds like a right one don't he? Bloody Africans...let me tell you you dozy bastard...you're putting the f*cking thing on the wrong way round! Mind you I shouldn't be too harsh on the lad, I did have really good training and that was one of the things the instructors drummed into us when we first got there.

OK, well my washing's nearly dry and I need the hanger for one of my shirts.

Shalom

Bloody NHS
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Herbie rides again
Well what can I say, the NHS screwed up again. I guess this is what happens when you get a job lot of f*cking Poles in to hook up, probably been trying to tune the wireless network into Radio Warsaw or something, bunch of bastards.
The upshot of this is that the hospital is no nearer getting things back on an even keel and looks like I'll have to start hanging around the waiting rooms of various hospitals with some made up ailment, although I am a bit concerned at catching something I shouldn't, do you know how many sick people there are in a hospital, it's a f*cking disgrace.
Well what's been going on...not much, still waiting on news of my transfer. I'll know if I'm in the running if I get a call to pop up to the tropical diseases hospital, the jabs you have to have to work there is amazing.
No weird or wonderful new patients either, that's why I want to get out of there.
Synagogue was dead boring again, and it's becoming a struggle to go there, but I haven't invested in all these skull caps for nothing, but I'm seriously looking into getting Goldberg bumped off so we can get a new face in here. It could be time to dust off the black outfit I think.
Anyway, I'm feeling a bit rough today so I can't hang around on street corners for long, maybe I'll feel a bit better tomorrow.

Shalom

I love the smell of Bagels in the morning
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Chas and Dave sing Tottenham Hotspur
Well it's been a pretty typical Sunday so far. I flick through the News Of The World to see if there are any potential international crisis brewing, apart from that ugly bint from Big Brother it looks like I've got nothing to get ready for.
I've said it before, but I'll say it again, there is something very reassuring about having a hot Bagel in your mouth. Reminds a lot of home and that night I spent in a trench on the Egyptian front back in 1967 with Ronnie Kray, although I'm not sure where Ronnie found that particular Bagel but he'd been hiding it inside his Y fronts...or at least that's what he told me. That was a pretty strange night, and he told me that as we had to make the Bagel last I was only allowed to suck on it. Anyway I don't think we'll dwell on that story...it's all beginning to come back to me, and now I think about it I don't think it was a Bagel.
One of the good things about my potential transfer to East London will be that I'd be able to cycle to the Bagel Bake for lunch. I certainly won't be eating local grub that's for sure, looks like it's all f*cking curries and shit like that. Last time I had one of them my arse got so sore, thinking about it now I was with Ronnie that night too...although I had one Brown Ale too many so don't really remember it too well, but Ronnie had been kind enough to put me to bed and made sure I didn't get too cold.
I guess I'd better bring you all up to speed on the connection problems. Rumour has it that the hospital may finally go back to having an open wireless network in the next week or so, which means updates on here should go back to being regular again. Not sure when switch on date is, but my intelligence reckons they're going to do it while I'm at Synagogue next Saturday, so sadly unless I go out cycling in the dark of the night, you're not likely to hear from me again until then. I've already checked out the hospital in East London, that's definitely a freebie job. If there is any change to this position I'll let you lot know, failing that see you all next Saturday (Feb 10th).

Shalom

Technical problems still exist
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Dungeons and Dragons
Well apologies to all of you who come on here every day looking for the latest piece of international gossip to impress your mates with. As you can guess there are still major problems with updating this thing, and I can't really cycle to Tooting general every night, they might start asking questions.
Anyway it's not as if much has been going on, I've put in a transfer to that hospital in East London I told you about. I'm hoping for a bit more anti terrorist action there, what with it swarming with the old Burka wearers.
The Mossad computer expert disappeared and I've no idea what happened to him, last thing he told me he was going to 'fix' something as he headed off in the direction of the bogs at Motspur Park station, I had no idea he could do plumbing as well otherwise I'd have got him to look at a leaky tap in my kitchen. Of course it's always possible that he got called away to something more urgent, I heard on the grapevine that Mossad's Chief of Operations in Europe has managed to lay his hands on a Playstaion 3, so maybe he's had to go and set that up. I hope he got the game where you can kill loads of Arabs with it.
Benny is being very elusive, he left a message on the Tel Aviv hotline (when I saw the flashing red light I thought I'd got the call at last) telling me he was going away for spring exercises. I really didn't know he exercised on a seasonal basis, but apparently he has gone to some retreat near the Polish border.
Synagogue is dead boring these days and I think it's time Goldberg thought about calling it a day and leaving it to someone younger. All the religious bullshit gets on my nerves, what happened to the days when Rabbis would give you coded messages during their sermons. We need someone who has actually seen action, not some old geezer for who the most exciting thing he's done lately is to get a picture taken for his OAP pass on the buses.
Talking of buses, I heard the window cleaner has been promoted and now drives one of those Bendy buses. You get an extra 20p an hour for driving those things so he's quids in, especially as it's easier for him to fit his ladder and buckets on the roof.
Anyway better get cycling, all being well you should hear from me tomorrow, until then.

Shalom

General Hospital
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: The Wizard Of Oz (Jewish Version)
Bit late today on the old laptop. I decided to head back to Tooting General to tap into their network at the A&E. However when I got to the door I recognised the receptionist so I've been hanging around until she goes to lunch or books off. Just noticed a change in the face behind the counter so now I can sneak back in and use my war wound excuse again.
Today is also the first day that Mossad's expert and me are working together to solve my connection problem. I've trawled through the secret Mossad archives to try and learn a bit about him. His name is Abe Bloomstein and from what I gather he was the Moshe Dyan Comprehensive's Space Invaders champ back in 1982. I guess the fact he was good at that probably means he knows a thing or two about computers. When I questioned him on what he has been up to since then he mumbled something about rehab. I guess that's some top secret Mossad mission which is on a need to know basis. Probably something to do with getting these Muslim gits to drop their Jihabs or whatever.
I did take him to the Bagel Bake this morning, although I won't be doing that again in a hurry. Him sitting on the back of the bike made it wobble all over the place, and even when we got there he didn't seem interested in the tasty treats on offer. Kept saying something like he needed to score. Next week I'll take him up to Hackney Marshes and he can play up front for some pub team if he needs to score that much. Looks like me and him won't have much in common.
So far he has shown no interest in looking at my connection problem, although he did perk up a bit when I told him he'd have to come to the hospital with me. He hinted that he'd like to take a look at the pharmacy when he gets there although I'm not sure how far that'll go to sorting my problem. He's the expert though so I'll leave it to him.
Looking around this waiting room is pretty depressing and I don't want to spend any longer than I have to in here, so I won't even bother to watch the numbers go round, I'm out of here.

Shalom

It's FA Cup weekend
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Meatloaf
Well the communication problems still exist, and Mossad have now sent an expert over from the West Bank to try and help me cope. However he doesn't work on Saturdays, at least so he tells me, so I'm going to have to wait for a permanent solution to this problem. This means updates will continue to be a bit hit and miss.
So once again I've been hitting the streets on my carbon fibre top secret bike which I recently bought in a sale at Woolworth's. Starbucks seem to have got wise to some Jewboy perched on a bike tapping into their network and have blocked me off somehow. Luckily though, Tooting General hospital hasn't adopted the same policy as my place, so under the guise of the shrapnel in my leg is playing me up, I'm sitting in the warm confines of the A&E department tapping into their system. I figure I'll have ages to type away then I can just leave, you know what A&E is like.
Life at my hospital has become particularly boring and I'm thinking of asking for a transfer to a hospital that's more on the frontline. I'm pretty tempted by an opening at the Royal London in Whitechapel. Lots of f*cking Muslims there so I think I'll be able to get some real tasty information. It also brings me back to my East End roots. Then there is the sense of danger, you know getting infected by some strange disease or picking up TB. Would have to learn a new language though, but I'm a natural at them. Look at the way I dealt with those Africans when I worked on that Underground Network somewhere in London. My fluency shone through and I'm sure I can do the same there. I certainly wouldn't be interested in working in Tooting, this place looks pretty dead.
I did go to Synagogue this morning, but I didn't hang around after Goldberg had done his piece. I'm keeping a low profile there at the moment and taking it all in, I think something big is about to break there but I can't just put my finger on it at the moment. But you know us Mossad types, our Antenna are always on the go.
Anyway, better wrap this up, they've just called the number before mine so I'd better clear off, I think I'll get my old war wound to play up again tomorrow.

Shalom

Just a quickie
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Coronation Street Classics
It's a real f*cking pain in the arse not having a proper connection to the outside world. The hospital still haven't sorted out the free access, and Mossad's IT department is about as effective as an Arab Bagel baker. So here I am, cycling around the streets late at night trying to find some care in the community case who hasn't secured his wireless connection. Took me a while but I finally hit paydirt outside a building that has Ministry of Defence above it. Aren't I lucky.
Anyway not much been going on to be fair, no real characters have arrived at the hospital so I'm doing my usual routine of sneaking fag breaks, reading The Sun, and passing the time of day by chatting to some of the patients, not that many of them are much fun. You should see the faces on some of them, you'd think they were ill or something.
Did get one little gem from my masters in Tel Aviv the other day though. They're trying to stitch up the president of Israel with some sort of rape charge thing. As a master of disguise they've asked me to don my drag outfit and testify against him as some tart called Brianna. No problem, I always keep a stick of lipstick ready just in case.
OK, better get going, looks like the bedroom light has just gone off and I guess that's my sign to go home before anyone wonders what I'm up to. If I can find another sad case giving away free internet you may see me later in the week.

Shalom

Jimmy Hill's Sunday Supplement
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Pass The Bagel
Well, another late update, that's becuse I went down the Bagel Bake this morning, couldn't find anywhere to chain up my bike as someone has nicked the railings I normally use. Some people just don't think, I use those railings for a reason just in case I get the call from Mossad to take off for some international emergency like a pickled herring shortage in Norway or something.
Anyway I also forgot to pack me laptop so had to cycle back and get it, then head off to stand outside Starbucks and quickly use their internet connection. I'm getting a bit pissed off that Mossad haven't found a better way to hack into computer networks. The Multi million shekel budget they have certainly isn't used on technology let me tell you, although they did invest in some Amstrad stuff a few years back. I liked that gear, had lots of flashing lights on it. Didn't have a f*cking clue what they meant but they looked the business. I'm a bit more savvy with the old computer lark these days though so I buy my own stuff. No more of that Amstrad shit, in my view you can't beat a Sinclair ZX 80.
I'm working out a new way of hacking into the hospital network, but if it doesn't work I may not appear again for a few days. The good news is that things may return to normal anyway at the end of next week. The powers that be have been getting a lot of complaints about switching off the wireless shit and according to my spies are about to back down.I can't wait, I've already suffered a bit by not being regular this year.
So keep an eye on this page, hopefully I'll be able to update during the week, if not it's back to Starbucks next Saturday.

Shalom

Apologies
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: The Court Of The Crimson King
Well everybody I have to apologise for the lack of updates for the last few days. Someone moron run over my cable with a trolley thereby cutting me off from the outside world. A temporary solution offered by a keen viewer of Blue Peter involving string, a bog roll tube, and some sticky backed plastic didn't work too well either, mainly because I couldn't fit the string in the plug on the computer.
Today I'm hanging about outside Starbucks, I would go in but they've banned me for not buying enough coffee, and tapping into their wireless network. I won't hang about too long though, this is a dodgy area and I wouldn't want to lose this laptop with all that confidential information issued by Mossad. You know the sort of thing, what's going on in each particular country, whether the government's about to fall, that sort of crap. Did you know for instance that some geezer called Idi Amin is on the brink of power in Uganda. Mossad always like to be ahead of the game.
Synagogue this morning was as thrilling as ever, and I sat there wishing that Goldberg would take another break and get that Bin Laden bloke back. Goldberg himself was looking a little worse for wear, and rumour has it that he's been lacing his Bagel mix with a drop of the hard stuff. In fact come to think of it, over the last few weeks he has begun to develop a Scottish accent. That could be worth following up.
Benny is being elusive again and I didn't see him this morning. Last time I spoke to him he said he was planning a trip to Austria, although he was waiting for Ryanair to be flying to an airport where he wants to go. He made reference to a few ex Luftwaffe airfields which he thinks would do the trick. He has started to mix with that odd group he was hanging around with last year, but to be fair he always invites me along. When I told him about my backside problem he did suggest I go and see his GP, some quack called Men Geller or something, must be Arab with a name like that.
Anyway I think there's some dodgy characters beginning to gather so I'd better get the laptop in the saddlebag and scurry off home.

Shalom

Surprise Surprise
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: Cilla Black
Well you could knock me down with the unwashed robe of Saddam Hussein. It seems that I've found a way to get round the hospital's new Internet access restrictions, at least until someone wonders why there's a bit of cable leading from an office into the bog. By cunning use of those wet floor signs which I nicked off of one of the cleaners I think I've managed to draw everyones attention away from it.
Things are slowly getting back to normal at the place where the sun never shines and which some people say I talk out of. Benny reckons that it'll be another week or so before it's all hunky dory again, how he knows he won't say, but he has been knocking about with some British Army officer called Ernie Rome, and I have to tell you I think Captain Rome 'bats for the other side'.
Things are quiet down Mossad way too, all this talk of trying to make peace with the Arabs is a real threat to my livelihood I can tell you. Who will we be able to pick on if those towel wearing hoodlums get off the hook? I think Ken Livingstone still has his pigeon hating hat on, maybe we could help him out with that problem, Pigeons, Arabs...both vermin except one wears a tale round his head.
Talking of heads, it was a real shame to see one of Saddam's henchmen lose his the other day, this is what you get when you employ amateurs though, now if they'd awarded the contract to Mossad like they should have, it would have been a quick clean job and nobody would have been any the wiser, look at how effective I carried out that Shergar thing, I had the best roses in Motspur Park while I looked after that horse.

Shalom

Taking a break
Mood:  d'oh
My backside is still feeling a bit sore from Saturday's "treatment" but at least it looks like my routine is getting back to normal.
Benny had a good old laugh at my expense when I told him what I'd been through, turns out there had been a typing error on my list of quacks and I should have gone to Harley Street instead of Marley Street. he reckons I was "serviced" by some geezer who used to be in the Village People. I'm still walking funny too, I'm not so sure that fingers was all the bloke used.
Anyway the big news here at the hospital is that they're going to be changing the way people access the network here. Apparently because it's all wireless these days, some bastards are using it like a freebie Internet service and that won't do. They're taking the wireless out of action for a while and people will have to plug into walls like the old days. I checked the bog and I don't see one of those plugs in here. Being in a relatively lowly position, I'm not entitled to a password or anything so I will have to wait until Mossad's IT department work out a way to get me in to the network. That's a pretty roundabout way of saying that updates might be a bit hit and miss for a few days. You don't think I'm going to pay to use the Internet do you? It's generally different at the weekends as I can hover around outside Starbucks or something, but during the week I have to make a daily report to Tel Aviv so have to scurry off home to use the secure line.
So, looks like you won't see me again until Saturday unless the experts come up with something.

Shalom

Flushed away
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Smokey's greatest hits
Sorry about the lack of update yesterday, my trip to the proctologist took a bit longer than expected.
I don't know how many of you lot have ever visited a proctologist recently, it's the ideal job for a f&cking poof who enjoys shoving his fingers up someones arse all day long, and I wasn't too sure about this geezer I went to see yesterday. First off the rainbow coloured flag above the door should have set alarm bells ringing, then when I walked in there the f*cking music drove me mad. f*cking YMCA played over and over again. When I finally did get to see the quack, he wasn't interested in my Mossad Health Insurance details, he wanted cash upfront and wouldn't give me a receipt. I also don't know many quacks who dress all in leather either.
Anyway to cut a long story short, this quack really did need to learn a few things about hygiene. He wasn't even going to wear gloves, and after I complained the only ones he did have were the individual finger types. I think I was a problem case though, as he kept muttering to himself that I was a little tight for a good fisting. Still he obviously knew what he was doing, and the cause of my blockage was found. I'd forgotten that when we fought the Six Day war we all kept an Uzi clip concealed somewhere for an emergency. No wonder I'd been shitting bullets for the last few days!
Even though he asked me to come back so he could loosen me up a bit more, I don't think I'll be going back, he's done his job as far as I'm concerned, plus I'm walking a bit funny, I'm sure that will pass.
It's good though as I can now partake in Bagels after a few days break, and I'm going to treat myself with an extra helping. Then I'm going to write a nasty letter to the Mossad Insurance Programme telling them about this quack's hygiene policy, I don't think it's the level of service us agents should be getting.

Shalom