I Want Money
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: The Flying Lizards
Not much to say today, the DTM changed my shift as expected, and I'm finding it tough to get into the swing of things again. I'm surrounded by loads of f*cking Poles, and while I am a master of languages, I never got round to handling Polish. Now swahili or one of those other mumbo jumbo things I'm pretty fluent in - just ask some of the cleaners - but these Eastern European things are a different matter. For some reason Mossad never bothered with those, and neither did the Kray Twins.
So it's back to the bogs with the grunting and the strange smells and people constantly tripping over the lead I use to plug my top secret communication device into the wall. I'm thinking of asking for a permanent transfer to the early shift, at least I get a bit of peace and quiet there.
Mind you day shift does have its advantages, there are a lot more freaks about to take the piss out of, plus there's the usual bunch of layabouts like the geezer with the variable bad back syndrome, and the dopey c*nt with big ears was trying to slide quietly out of the STD clinic. Looking at his record I see he's been referred to a proctologist as he has a strange object shoved up his arse...probably his brain.
Still we'll see how this week goes before I do anything drastic.

Shalom

All quiet on the West Bank
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Flushed Away
Well no reaction from that SCOPE mob, but I'm ready to deal with anything they throw my way. The shaft of my UZI is all greased up, and the knuckledusters I haven't used since I last went to the pub with Ronnie and Reggie are nicely polished.
I don't expect any trouble though, my reputation as a master debater - I think that's what I've been called - tends to make people shy away from a conflict with me, that and the fact I am deadly when aiming for a head shot.
Not much else to say today, the DTM is going to change my shift for the rest of the week, so no more early morning updates. Pity, I'm getting pretty used to the silence of the toilet cubicles, might find it a bit tough once they get all noisy again, plus someone sitting in the trap next door has a tendency to weaken my signal a little bit.

Shalom

I Don't Like Mondays
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Boomtown Rats Greatest Haircuts
Just a short update today because I'm basically a lazy bastard. I think I had a bad Bagel yesterday and I've got the old Delhi Belly, thank god the hospital has an unlimited supply of bog paper.
Still, while I'm getting over my touch of the trots, I figured I'd have time to respond to another e-mail. Some c*nt from an organisation called SCOPE has taken me to task over my description of those cheap trolley pushers used at Tescos when I'm not there. I have no idea why James Bond's sworn enemies have any interest in this, but I guess when you're trying to take over the world it's the small details that matter.

"To whom it may concern

A concerned member of the public has contacted us in relation to some comments they have read on your webpage about young people who suffer from Down's syndrome. They are particularly revolted by your description of the unfortunate individuals involved, and by your opinion that they should be packed off to Iraq.
Having read the opinions I must say I agree with the complaint and request you not make further remarks of this nature.
I believe that an apology is in order and I look forward to reading it on your page in the very near future.

Yours

R. Etard OBE,NASDAQ

Well there is only one response to that...Bollocks! Apology my arse, I didn't get where I am today by grovelling to anyone who wanted an apology. Look at all those f*cking Arabs I dispatched at the airport with a head shot, no way was I going to say sorry to those bastards for nicking their country.
Anyway that sort of e-mail always gets my blood pressure rising, plus I think some more of that Bagel is about to put in an appearance.

Shalom

It's not unusual
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Captain Scarlet and The Mysterons
Well I spent the rest of yesterday lying down, I'm glad the Tel Aviv hotline didn't ring, not sure I was up to covert operations last night. The phone did ring though, and the DTM is so impressed with the job I've done on the early shift he wants me to do it for a day or two more. No problem, means I get plenty of fag breaks and there are still a few new faces I haven't had the chance to talk to yet. It's strange but they are a bit unfriendly to be honest. Once I've spoken to them for a couple of hours, they always seem too busy to talk to me again.
Anyway as I type this I have a couple of steaming hot Bagels on the go. It's great that the Bagel Bake is back in operation after all the religious bullshit over the last week or so. I could have got some black market Bagels but they just don't taste the same, and besides who knows if they're really kosher.
I did promise you an update with the Benny situation and his continuing absence from the all happening scene here in London. Well I did get a message from hm the other day, he says Anne Schluss is still ongoing - I'm glad he's finally settling down - and that he is holidaying in the Sudetenland. I'm not too keen on that caterpillar under his nose though. Makes him look like that geezer from 1930's Germany...what was his name...Charlie something.
OK, well the butter is dribbling onto my hands, and I ca't have that, it means my Uzi might slip out of my hands at a crucial moment...and that will never do.

Shalom

The morning after the night before
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Engelbert Humperdinck Live in Streatham
Wow, that was a f*cking wild night out. Someone must have really decided to go crazy, and instead of Norseman which is the usual shit we drink, splashed out on some Stella instead. I can't remember much about what happened except I arrived home without my trousers, and I've been looking in the papers to see if they've got any details on our exploits. Nothing so far, but I did notice that the local paper had a short story on someone taking a dump at a bus stop. They've even got a picture of it, can you believe the stupid c*nt who did it left his trousers there. Still I have to say whoever it was has got taste...wears the same brand as me.
Anyway, what with my recovery time from that, and the fact I had to go to Synagogue today, I'm a bit late getting out and about and seeing what's going on. I did pop down to Tescos to see what kind of mess the mongs are making of it, and I was not impressed. Carts all over the place and some f*cking retard wandering around the car park dribbling on his vest smiling at old women. You know what they need to do with his sort. Shove "em in the Army and send 'em to Iraq, get a bit of action under their belts...never done me any harm and I've got the stories to prove it.
Anyway, my head's still spinning a bit from the can of Stella, I think I need to go and lie down.

Shalom

Friday Friday
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Swan Lake
OK, glad I got that off my chest yesterday. The thing that really pissed me off was the claim that I might dress up my stories a little bit, I don't give a f*ck about her whinging about my take on the mustard bus riders. If you've not got two brain cells to call your own you deserve to ride on those things. F*cking uncomfortable they are, and the amount of room that f*cking wheelchair lift takes up...I'll say no more.
Won't spend too long typing today, partially because I'm a bit bunged up and have to concentrate on the job in hand so to speak (There's a new roll on the bog roll holder so I want to take advantage), but I want to get home and have a nap as I'm going to a meeting of the Tooting and Mitcham Secret Agents Anonymous later on. They're always good cracks and we get a bit wild after finishing off a six pack of Norseman Lager, some of the pranks we get up too like turning Newspapers around in WH Smiths and setting off the fire alarms in tube stations...all good fun. It'll be a late night too, might not get in until at least 9 tonight.
Got to make the most of my rest as I'm scheduled to go back to Tescos next week, be interesting to see how the mongs have coped. I've seen trolleys all over the place though so I don't think they've done well.

Shalom

Ticket to ride
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: My Ding A Ling
OK, managed to thieve a new battery out of the ICU. Guessed it wouldn't matter, the geezers chart said something about him being a cabbage so he won't miss it. The machine made a funny noise afterwards but I didn't hang around to see what that was all about, it was just like the old days when I used to plant dodgy stuff on high ranking politicians...remember Watergate? Well that had nothing to do with me, but we had a similar thing in Israel called Porkgate...my finest hour.
Anyway back to f*cking retards like that bloke in the ICU. I thought I'd take the chance to reply to that biddy who wrote to me about the mongs who work at Tescos.

"You disgust me, ridiculing those poor people who through no fault of their own were born with a genetic defect. They can't help it if they dribble and talk funny. How would you like it?
You are typical of your type, think you're superior to everybody else. I have more respect for those poor kids than I have for your circumcised penis, you are probably a complete and utter liar. I've read those tales on your webpage...World Cup 1966 indeed."

Yours

Margaret Ponsoby Smythe (SAS Retired)

OK Missus, let me reply. If Tescos supplied those kids plastic orange bibs there wouldn't be a problem. I reckon that they take advantage of the fact they're f*cking mentally retarded and to old grannies like you they look cute. I bet you've never seen any action so I don't think you can criticise me you old hag. As for 1966...just ask Ronnie and Reggie...they'll back me up.

Dozy old fools like that really piss me off, I'm so angry just writing about it I think I need a fag.

Shalom

Carry On Constable
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: The Disney Channel
Still working the early shift, and probably will be all week. Some of you keen eyed Jew watchers have asked me why I've been going to work even though it was still a holiday for us Red Sea Pedestrians. Simple answer, I need the shekels, the rest of them can scramble for the kosher chuck aways at Tescos...me I need the money...it's not cheap to hire a helicopter for those Milk Tray missions.
Anyway this early shift is a doddle, not many trolleys to push around, just the occasional victim of MRSA to dispose of, gives me plenty of time to sneak out and have a fag by the bins. Just a shame I've got nobody to talk to.
It's been remarked that I'm not taking part in the local elections this time around, well the UJF haven't given up on political power, but with the Window Cleaner's busy schedule - he's doing night rounds now - and my extra job at Tescos we ain't got time to knock on doors...maybe next year or if I can arrange an assassination maybe sooner.
Was going to reply to some daft bat who has pulled me up on my comments about those retards who do the trolley day shift at Tescos. I think though I'll leave that for another time, the battery is running out on my laptop and I need to go and nick another one.

Shalom

Doctor's Orders
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Emergency Ward 10
Turns out that I scurried out of the bog for no real reason. They were looking for someone to nip down to the coach station to scout out some likely candidates to train up. Well I'm used to scouting but normally for Arab gun positions not some f*cking idiot who could push a trolley about. Anyway I thought it'd get me out and about for a while, and there is nothing like checking out the streets early in the morning.
Well what did I find? A couple of winos on a bench, considered them for a minute but decided they were already too professional. Luckily when the coach pulls in, there are enough people wandering around with bits of paper in their hands asking for help, so I scooped a couple of them up and took them back to the hospital.
I have no idea what happens to them after that. I would be willing to train them, but the DTM doesn't see why they should learn how to slide down ropes from helicopters, break open doors and windows with a minimum of explosives, and be able to take out a terrorist at an airport with a head shot. No imagination that DTM, in todays world the more skills you have the better off you are.
Anyway, I haven't seen them tonight, they're probably being shown the ropes by the other muppets on the day shift. Can't say I care, as long as none of them try and nick my SCUM job at Tescos I'll be happy.

Shalom

Shift Change
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Wheel Of Fortune
A bit f*cking annoyed as I type this, got a phone call from the DTM telling me that I was needed for the early morning shift after the immigration department had carried out a raid during the day on Sunday. All those Poles who'd been helping out have suddenly disappeared, so we're short handed until the next coach pulls into Victoria.
Still it's pretty quiet and sneaking into the bogs for a while is a lot easier, plus there's none of those grunting noises you get during the day.
Also I've worked out that the hospital has switched its wireless network back on, which is good news for me as I don't have to hang around on street corners with my modified shopping trolley trying to pick up dodgy signals.
Over the next couple of days I'll be addressing a couple of issues which have come to the fore. Someone has written to complain about my remarks regarding the Down's syndrome kid who works with me at Tescos, the other is a more sensitive issue. What has happened to Benny? I do have some gossip to report about him, but I think I'll save that for another time.
OK, they've just put out a call for me on the hospital PA, maybe I'm needed to assist with some emergency heart surgery.

Shalom

Dog Day Afternoon
Mood:  lazy
Ahhhh, Sunday, time to catch up with all the goings on around the world by reading through all the top Newspapers like The Sunday Times, The Observer, and The Sunday Sport. Of course my favourite paper wasn't mentioned in that list, that being The West Bank Times. The editor of that is a mate of mine, I met him when I was working as a lifeguard on Robert Maxwell's boat, although a moments distraction cost me that job. Anyway the paper isn't as big a seller as it was years ago, mainly because us Jews have found out how good The Sunday Sport is for news. Now he works the Sunday morning shift down the Bagel Bake in Brick Lane, so they don't publish on a Sunday.
The Bagel Bake on a Sunday morning is as you know my favourite cycle ride of the week, and it's got even better since I fitted new saddlebags onto my bike which keep the Bagels warm right up until I get down into the Tooting area. I'm the envy of everyone down the Synagogue. Yes there are Bagel shops down in South London, but I'm not 100% that the Bakers have been properly circumcised.
One big disappointment when I got down to Tescos yesterday was the state of the Hi-visibility stuff we wear while rounding up the trolleys. F*cking covered in dribble they were, and I'm not going to put one of them on until Tescos clean them. This is what happens when you try and do the Care In The Community thing, a group of f*cking retards who can't control their f*cking saliva output. Last time I saw something like that was when I worked on the Underground railway system somewhere in London. Mind you everyone had had a few drinks by then, so the loss of control of body fluids was understandable.
Hopefully the hospital will switch its wireless network back on this week and I'll be able to sneak in the bog and do regular updates. Taking a crap at the place hasn't been much fun since I couldn't tap away on the keyboard...almost started using my own bog at home...then I thought about how much bog paper costs so I resisted that urge.

Shalom

My Fat Jewish Wedding
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Those Bog Roll Adverts with the dog in it
Well everything should start getting back to normal soon. The hospital has confirmed that they're going to start letting us use the wireless thing again now that the computer experts from India - or was it Southall - have done their stuff.
Goldberg is back at the Synagogue and he was really milking this Passover stuff. I sat there pretty bored but at least I got to guard the collection tray, taking my usual 10% cut at the end. It's when I do that job that I realise what a mean bunch of bastards we really are. Today for instance I managed to rustle up 20 pence and a couple of Zlotys among other things. Mind you the shirt button will come in useful, looks like it matches up with the shirt I got down at the Salvation Army the other day. Never understood the Salvation Army, they've probably got more troops than the UN yet you never see them helping out in hotspots like Bosnia and Ipswich. Bunch of f*cking poofs if you ask me...don't carry any hardware and are always picking on winos. Still being a military minded man I like to support other Armies, especially when it looks like they don't get anything from the government. Oh...and those tanning salons in Golders Green must be pretty good, Goldberg looked like an extra from "The Last King of Scotland".
Those of you who asked about the contents of my Tescos goodie bag I got the other day are going to be pretty disappointed. It contained a mouldy old cheese sandwich which would have done British Rail proud, out of date Salmon Paste, and some Jacob's Cream Crackers. Can't complain though, at least I got this stuff before the OAP's got stuck into it, and that Down's Syndrome kid got nothing except a Mars bar which it looks like he smeared all over his face, unless of course he's forgotten how to wipe his Arse!
Anyway better get on, back to work soon, Tescos need me to do some trolley sorting as they think some might be overdue their 14 day exam, knew you couldn't trust a retard, and just like the old days with that Underground system somewhere in London, it's up to me to save the day.

Shalom

Just a quickie
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Great Jewish Anthems
Well as it's the first day of Passover, Tescos have packed me off with a kosher goodie bag and told me to put my feet up for a few days. My job is going to be covered by Mustard Bus employment services, which sounds like they're exploiting those care in the community cases again.
Anyway I can't wait to see what tasty treats lie in store for me, pity the Bagel Bake is shut, I rather fancy a hot one right now.

Shalom

Tasty Bagels
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Chas N Dave
Just got time to wolf down a couple of hot Bagels before I zip off down to Tescos. It's times like these I yearn for the good old days when shops didn't open on Sundays, and shut at 5 during the weeks for that matter. I'm sure if Ronnie and Reggie were still around they'd be none of this stuff going on. Those were the good old days of course, when you could carry out an old fashioned kneecapping and nothing was said.
What's also pretty unfair about all this is that that f*cking Down's Syndrome kid doesn't have to do the Sundays because he allegedly goes to church. Like f*ck he does, not unless it's for some dirty old bastard of a catholic priest to take advantage of him.
Anyway better get a move on, those trolleys won't park themselves plus I've got some butter on me chin.

Shalom

Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Anything by The Bay City Rollers
With two jobs on the go, it's hard to find time to do anything else. If it's not trolleys at the hospital, it's the trolleys at Tescos. That f*cking retard kid is getting on my nerves though, found out he's been getting a few extra shekels mainly because people feel sorry for him.
Hit the synagogue this morning and once again we had that lovable scouse Rabbi Doddberg. I'm not too keen on him to tell the truth, ever since he came on the scene we seem to have had gangs of kids offering to look after your bike, and an increase in the number of cars with missing hubcaps. Also he made sure we all got a leaflet advertising his day job, which has something to do with income tax avoidance. Now that I might find handy, with all my foreign investments I hate paying tax, and with my three nationalities, as a good citizen I'm paying to Israel, Switzerland, and the UK. I must be doing something wrong somewhere.
Not much else going on, although there could be some good news on the Internet front as the hospital look like they're going to switch their wireless network back on. I'll keep you posted.

Shalom

Let's all go down the synagogue
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Button Moon
Saturday at last, means I can skive off from both my jobs for today on religious grounds. Of course you lot know I don't give a f*ck about religion but if it gets me off of weekend rosters it can't be all bad.
Synagogue was a little more interesting today as Goldberg is sunning himself in the Golders Green tanning salon for a couple of weeks. We have this new geezer doing the services and his face is vaguely familiar. Apparently we were supposed to get Bob Woolmer filling in until the unfortunate events in Jamaica. I blame the Arabs for that myself...ain't they responsible for all the bad shit that goes on? Anyway back to the stand in Rabbi, he has a scouse accent, and buck teeth and waves a feather stick in the air, and from time to time goes on about how tickled he is and makes a dopey face. I asked one of the regulars what his name is and he told me Rabbi Doddberg is the guy concerned. Don't know about you lot but I'll be using an extra lock on my bike for the next couple of weeks, you know what scousers are like.
What about those dopey British sailors in Iran. How the f*ck can you allow yourselves to get picked up without a fight. Rumour has it that they had been sent there by some bloke with a Spanish sounding name. I remember that geezer, always gave me a hard time while I was working undercover on an Underground railway somewhere in London. F*cking Spanish Onion.
OK, better be going, the helicopter is hovering overhead and with the price of petrol these days I don't think Mossad will want me hanging around.

Shalom

A letter from a reader
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: The Trouble With Tribbles
You know just sometimes when I'm wading through all the intelligence reports I receive by e-mail from the likes of the FBI, KGB, CIA, MI5 and ASDA there is one that stands out from the crowd.
Here's one I got the other day.

Dear Mystery Man, I think I know who you are. Was it you I spotted in Tesco's car park the other night gathering up all the loose trolleys. If so can I ask why you don't wear that bright orange vest which I notice that very nice downs syndrome kid who does the job during the day wears with pride? Wearing dark clothing in a badly lit area isn't too clever you know.

OK, first off I must admit I am working at Tescos on a part time basis. You never know when the extra shekels will come in handy for your next covert mission, and besides I'm aiming to become the country's foremost expert in trolley handling. Also it means I'm one of the first to get a go at all the out of date food before all the OAPS dig in. However I am not merely just an ordinary trolley pusher. Tescos have given me a managerial title. I am their first ever Shopping Cart Utilisation Manager. The staff though find that a bit of a mouthful so they call me SCUM for short.
As for the bright orange vest, first off with my background I'm a prime target for any Arab hitman who fancies his chances, so I think it's f*cking obvious I don't want to draw attention to myself. The other reason is that after that "nice Downs syndrome kid" has been wearing it all day it's soaked through with his f*cking dribble...no way am I wearing that...never know what you might catch.
If anyone else out there has a question they want to ask me...well you know the address.

Shalom

I hate computers!
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Seafood On Ice
It's getting harder to get an illegal connection to keep this thing up to date. Right now I'm sitting in the bog of some dodgy Turkish phone place hoping the bastards don't twig I'm nicking their free wireless Internet access. They'll have my bollocks if they find out.
Anyway not much to report, Rabbi Goldberg is having a couple of weeks off. He's going back to the homeland - Golders Green if you must know - which is great as it means we get a new boy doing the Synagogue sessions. In fact Goldberg asked me if I'd do it. Tight fisted c*nt only wanted to save the Rent A rabbi fees. It was interesting but only for a few seconds. It would interfere with all the other stuff I've got going on, like spying on Arabs, and keeping the Milk Tray line going at Cadburys.
Work is pretty mundane at the moment. I was on security detail this week as people have been walking off with some of the trolleys. You should see where they leave them...all over the f*cking car park, even found one in a canal. We should do what Tescos do and make people pay a quid deposit before they can take one away. With that sort of money involved nobody would want to leave them lying around, and if worse comes to worse some Junkie would always go around and collect them, it would at least save me the trouble.
OK, I reckon those greasy Turks are going to wonder what I'm up to if I spend much longer in here...and while they don't see much action I am rather attached to my bollocks.

Shalom

More random Bullshit
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Leslie Crowther in The Price is Right
After synagogue yesterday I spent most of the day lying back in my Israeli designed lounger which comes with optional telescopic lens built into one of the arms, and started to watch my box set of Catweazle which arrived during the week. Interesting programme that, and he reminds me a lot of me. You know, multi talented, with a sharp eye for detail. We have a similar dress sense too, although the hospital make me wear a uniform so you don't see me like that very often. The hospital's uniform is pretty boring, and I always think I look better in an Israeli Air Force uniform or all in black.
Today being Sunday it was a nice brisk cycle down to Brick lane. Today I thought I'd linger a bit and see what's going on with the stallholders. Not much has changed, they're still knocking out those dodgy Playstation 3's and Nintendo Wi's or whatever they're called. One of them did have some games for the short lived Israeli game system produced by SEGA but they never caught on. Probably because they were designed for use in the trenches for whenever we fought the Arabs and not many people fancied the idea of waiting for a supply drop for the power supply to arrive.
Of course it was then down to the Bagel Bake, but looks like they've been using trainees to do the Bagels today as they'd been burnt. Burnt Bagels aren't nice so I decided to skip them today. I could have gone to Stamford Hill to pick up a few but you get a lower class of Jew there.
I've started to think about my holiday this year, and for a bit of action Zimbabwe might be the place to go. I don't know the geezer in charge very well, but it looks like he might be having a few problems with the locals. So if it continues on like that, I'll be packing my swimming trunks and a spare magazine for my Uzi and heading off to Africa. I'll intercept a few messages from the Zimbabwean embassy and see when will be the best time to go.

Shalom

Never mind the quality...feel the width
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Paintball
Wow what a week that was. Didn't get a chance to look up any dodgy connections as I was sent on a residential course about violence in the NHS. Didn't know anything about it until the last minute but I always keep a spare Kevlar vest packed just in case of emergencies like this, so off I went.
It was nice to get away from the hospital for a few days, and I must admit Stratford in London is quite different in the daylight. I rarely venture this far east, last time I did I had my bike nicked, the area has really gone downhill since Ronnie and Reggie left the scene. It's almost like a different country these days, and all my injections which the Israeli military gave me certainly come in useful.
Anyway the course was complete and utter bollocks like most of these courses are. Some daft bint telling us how to avoid getting slapped. Bet the dopey cow has never seen any action unlike me...I've seen loads. Well that's beside the point, I've always believed that the main problem with violence in the NHS is that there's not enough of it for a toughened old veteran like me. I also found that if I whip out my Uzi any problems seem to disappear anyway. When I got up and made my thoughts known everyone in the room looked shocked. Dopey bastards...bunch of lily livered c*nts the lot of them.
Got back from the course last night, and synagogue this morning. I really feel like getting hold of some anthrax and passing it onto that boring bastard Goldberg sometimes, I can't wait until he goes on holiday and we get a relief rabbi in for a couple of weeks. That Bin Laden bloke last year was pretty good, hopefully Rent a Rabbi can provide someone as good this year.

Shalom