Match Report
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Match Of The Day
Well those of you not tuning into Shalom TV missed a great FA Cup Final. The highlights for me were Kirk Douglas's hatrick and Sophia Loren getting a red card for headbutting Mussolini.
I love football, and I'm so knowledgeable about the game I could talk about it for hours...then again I could talk about anything for hours...that shows what an interesting character I am.
For some obscure reason I've been getting a lot of things sent to me marked up as Mossad Aptitude Tests. While I'm pretty impressed with the high standard of the responses, you have to be something special to earn the mysterious ID card with the Star of David on it. How many of you have actually seen action? I've seen loads, and that's what makes me well qualified to be a secret agent, that and the fact I'm good at keeping a low profile and not saying much. That's one of the things Ronnie Kray used to say to me..."Keep your head down son and we'll do fine" Mind you he normally had me on my knees at that point.
Synagogue was boring yesterday, usual old religious bullshit. I can't wait until we get a new trendy Jewish church going, you know, one that lets you eat Bacon, doesn't make you get up early on a Saturday, make you wear a stupid hat, and allows Bagels seven days a week. Now I could really go for something like that.
OK, talking of Bagels, it's time to hit the road to Brick Lane...later Mossad fans.

Shalom

Cup Final Day
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: The Wiggles
Sorry for the continued lack of regular updates. Being an undercover operative means that sometimes you just can't spend ages sitting by a computer keyboard working out what's classified and what's not, plus Tel Aviv have been on my case a bit.
Turns out they're interested in a bit of a gamble on the FA cup final, and in an effort to make sure they don't lose any shekels, I was asked to get a copy of the team line ups.
Well for the last few days I've been hiding in many a bush watching the lads train, sneaking into bedrooms (My Milk Tray experience really counted there) and I think I came up with the goods. So if any of you lot fancy a little flutter, here's todays line ups.

Fulham: Jimmy Hill, George Best, Bobby Moore, Johnny Haynes, Dixie Dean, Kirk Douglas, Harrison Ford, Benito Mussolini, Frankie Fraser, Alf Garnett, Golda Maier (Capt)

As knowledgeable as I am about football that's a pretty formidable line up, although I'm not so sure playing Mussolini upfront will help Fulham.

Up against them are the unsung heroes of Corinthians so here's the deal with them.

Corinthians: Smythe, Quentin, Johnny Cash, Sophia Loren, Michael Jackson, Rob Roy, Robert The Bruce, Anwar Sadat, Ronnie Kray (Capt), Reggie Kray, Charlie Kray

Should be a pretty entertaining match and I bet The Dell will be packed to the rafters for it, I'll be there in the directors box, just behind JFK who is presenting the trophy. Hopefully my bosses at Mossad will be pleased with my efforts and I'll be in the good books again.
OK, better get going, I'm going to the evening session at the Synagogue today, so just enough time to make the match before I go.

Shalom

Apologies for the break in transmission
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: How much is that doggie in the window
Well Mossad fans, it's been a tough week. My new shift at the hospital isn't working out as well as I thought. Had nothing but f*cking Chelsea fans coming in this week who want to exchange their blue shirts for red Manchester United ones. I have no idea why the f*ck they come to the hospital for that, wouldn't they be better off trying out a shop that sells that sort of crap. My guess is that these people have limited intelligence and really should be in a home somewhere rather than on the streets. In fact if they were clever, they'd support Blackpool, then their orange shirts could serve a dual purpose allowing them to be spotted pushing the shopping trolleys around at Tescos.
I don't have this problem of course...first off Tescos sacked me...and I'm not that much into football either, although I have a soft spot for Macabbi Tel Aviv, but they don't play at Craven Cottage very often, in fact haven't seen them since I took Kirk Douglas and Sophia Loren to a game back in the sixties, that would have been when I was staying with Mick Jagger and Marianne Faithful, they had me sampling Mars Bars for them...that was an interesting job although they always seemed a bit melted up when I got hold of them...there was obviously something wrong with Mick's fridge.
Still looks like I might be back in Mossad's good books, got a couple of interesting pieces of intelligence the other day which I'm still reviewing, once I've declassified them I may see if that lazy bastard Benny will do something about putting them on here for the world to see.
OK, got to get moving, the glue has dried on my stick on beard so I'm going to head down the Synagogue...wish me luck.

Shalom

Back to Brick lne
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: The Price Is Right
It's tough when you think you're being watched to keep up your normal routine. Take today for instance, I couldn't put on my usual black number and cycle down Brick Lane on my Mossad designed racing bike (which I got from Halfords for a nice discount a few years back). Today I thought I'd better use a different mode of transport (No, not the helicopter...nowhere to park that in Brick lane and the Royal London gets pissed off when I park it on their pad). So I thought I'd try the bus. Now I know the window cleaner has been seen behind the wheel of one on occasions, so I tried calling him to see if he'd give me a lift. Turns out he's not allowed to take his company car home overnight and he's taking a day off today, what sort of tight arsed company does he work for?
So I had to go to the bus stop this morning and blend in with the usual crowd of peasants and shirkers who use the things. The first thing that struck me was that I had to pay! The driver laughed when I showed him my mysterious ID card with the Star of David on it. Even worse it didn't take me all the way to Brick Lane...I was expected to get on another one for that. What a f*cking pain in the arse.
Anyway I got there in the end, I spent an hour staking out the place to make sure no Mossad operatives were waiting for me, but I got a bit confused because a lot of us Jewboys use the Bagel Bake, and as it's casual Sunday, the Mossad guys wouldn't be using the tailor made suits they normally wear to conceal their weapons. Still in the end I plucked up enough courage to nip in and buy a dozen Bagels and I'm pretty happy, even though the things were stone cold by the time I got back here...f*cking buses.
Back to work tomorrow, can hardly wait, but I've got to go and check out the medical dictionary so I can write myself out a dodgy sick note to cover my time off.

Shalom

Out in the open
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: The Rabbi Of Dibley
Looks like the heat is definitely cooling off, the Mossad hounds have got their teeth into some other poor muppet who could be heading for a bad weekend...but enough about Ashley Cole.
Still even though things are getting better for me, I still can't show my face at the Synagogue, apparently some of the regulars actually liked Alan Ball, so I figured I'd better keep away from there.
Wild rumours reach me that indicate Mossad's security has been breached again, and that the highly secret tests used to screen for potential agents has been leaked to the general public. I remember when I took those things years ago, all sorts of weird questions about milk bottles and the correct way to identify an Arab. Nothing about flying helicopters, and being careful about the cut of your suit. We updated the papers a few years ago to make them more realistic to what was expected, some of the situations were based on my experience, and I think they are producing a better calibre of secret operative...who knows how many we have working undercover these days.
I also think I'll be able to go back to work on Monday. I've sort of missed that place, talking to the mirror gets old after a while and I've got all this pent up bullshit to get rid of.
OK, better get going...maybe I'll get down the Bagel Bake tomorrow.

Shalom

Safe House Blues
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: The Krankies
I've sneaked out of the safe house for a little while so I thought I'd give you a quick update as to what's going on.
I think the fuss about Alan Ball is dying down a bit now so I'll soon be safe to resume business as normal. I really don't know why everyone was upset, not as if he was any good as a footballer, you should have seen Kirk Douglas, he was a mean header of the ball I can tell you.
Of course the problem with lying low is that I've been fired from Tescos and no longer the SCUM or TWAT anymore. The rumours I've got tell me that the manager thinks one of the Mongs is better at the job anyway. Well Tescos will suffer for that I can tell you. I won't be buying any more Salt Beef from them, I'll go to the corner shop down the road, the old Muslim who runs it is quite pleasant really. I remember he offered me a cheap flight back in September 2001, United Airlines it was, for some reason I couldn't take him up on his offer, maybe it was Yom Kippur.
Anyway just in case Mossad are still tracking me I'd better sign off, hopefully I'll get the all clear sign soon.

Shalom

I'm in hiding
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Bonanza
OK, I confess, I screwed up and I've had to sneak off into a safe house in the Vallance Road area until the heat dies down.
Just the other day, Mossad had given me top secret instructions to bump off not very well known international terrorist Ali Bul who had been masterminding a Bagel poisoning operation in Stamford Hill. Well the plan went off without a hitch, and the guy dropped dead as expected. Problem was my intelligence was flawed and I got the wrong guy. F*cking British Telecom should really proof read their phone books better.
Soooo the last few days you've probably been reading about Alan Ball the 1966 World Cup geezer who dropped dead suddenly the other night.
Actually I'm not too upset about it, as I remember the squeaky voiced c*nt telling me off for running on the pitch during the final, and from that day on I'd promised myself I'd get him back one day.
Anyway Mossad ain't too pleased as the PR won't be very good if the truth comes out, and Ali Bul has probably tumbled we're onto him and scarpered. Still at least the Bagels in Stamford Hill are safe for now.
Mossad's punishment for fouling up an operation is pretty terrifying, hence the reason I thought I'd better lay low for a while. It won't be long before someone else f*cks up and I'll be forgotten about. I couldn't even go to the Synagogue today, as I knew they'd be a Mossad presence there. It's going to be pretty depressing tomorrow too as what's the betting they're staking out the Bagel Bake as I type, and they know I have a big thing for Bagels.
OK, better disconnect before Mossad trace where I'm typing from and come and get me.

Shalom

Mood:  lazy
No updates because I've either got nothing to say (not very likely) or I'm busy on some covert mission and tapping away on a laptop while you're trying to pilot a helicopter is not a good idea.
Hopefully I'll be able to reveal all soon.

Shalom

News Of The World
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Ugly Betty
Well my Sunday routine is as per usual. I'm thinking of mixing it up a bit and maybe cycling into an Arab part of town for a bit of added excitement. Maybe I'd even chuck a few stale Bagels at the old towelheads, that'd really wind them up.
Got to keep it short as I got a call from the DTM and he tells me I can go on the early shift for the rest of the week. That and the fact I've got to put the mongs work at Tescos right means I don't have time to type too much. Besides the world seems pretty quiet at the moment so I don't think I'll be summoning the helicopter any time soon.
I'm just digging round the living room for my Israeli Army pocket knife as I've got some trolley repair work to do, and Tescos won't give me any tools. I don't know why everyone goes on about the shitty Swiss Army knives, the Israeli ones are much more use as they have a fold out telescopic and an uzi shoved into the end.
Anyway, just got time to nip down B&Q and buy myself a personal hi-vi so I don't have to wash mong dribble off of it.

Shalom

Call Me Irresponsible
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: Connect 4
Well Saturdays get a bit same old, same old. Dig out the frayed black suit, unironed white shirt, shoulder holster containing my weapon of the day, and then don my Kevlar skull cap and hop on the bike down to the Synagogue.
The ride down there reminds me of the time I won the King Of The Mountains in the Tour of Bognor all those years ago, and it's even more realistic since the council put down those speed humps, although when you go over those you don't really need to stuff newspapers up your shirt like those guys in the Tour De France. I do though, it gives me a chance to get rid of them without putting them in my bins. I'm just getting ready for when the council starts charging for rubbish by weight. My costs will be pretty low.
Still one thing about riding the bike, it's easier to get parked at the Synagogue these days, especially since some c*nt started parking a bus there. Takes up a huge chunk of the place, and as I walk pass it I notice the passengers are none too happy either. Still it's convenient for my window cleaner mate, as I notice his ladders shoved in the area where kids prams are meant to go.
Stroll into the Synagogue with a knowing glance toward the Russian security on the door who I can tell were former KGB by the cut of their suits. Listen to Goldberg ramble on for a while about some old bullshit, then it's all over and I can get back to my house and monitor the airwaves for any impending international crisis. You lot probably think that International Rescue were the first ones to do that. Well let me tell you, they nicked the idea from me, I've never been able to sue them yet as all my letters to Tracey Island are always returned as Address Unknown. I will admit they must have one hell of a security operation to be able to pull off a stunt like that.
Anyway enough for now, sounds like The Archers are about to start up...always an interesting show that...you'll never believe how many coded messages are contained in it.

Shalom

Flushed with success
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory
OK, not much to say this morning which I know some of you lot won't believe but it's the gospel truth.
Looks like I stirred up some more shit by moaning about the mongs at Tescos again. Even had some guy tell me that he could provide special rubber tools so the stupid bastards won't hurt themselves. Well tough, my TWAT position is all mine and I won't share it with anybody.
It's been a bit of a weird week what with changing shifts after a couple of days and I'd rather have a settled pattern. So before I leave I'm going to see the DTM and ask to be put on the early shift for a while. How am I going to save the world from major disaster if I don't get the messages until I get back to my safe house? By the time I've run the tape back and played them, the event is over. Look at that Chinkie geezer who shot the place up the other day in America. I could have got rid of him with a well placed head shot if I wasn't in bed!
Hopefully I'll get my wish, to be honest the bogs chuck up pretty bad during the day as all the traps are constantly in action. Must be a lot of sick people in this place.

Shalom

Don't Know Why
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Yassar Arafat's greatest speeches
Back on days as you all know by now, sorts of limits my time to do anything else, but at least last night I was able to drop into Tescos and do a bit of sorting out. I was quite pleased that the manager there has recognised my talents, and not only do I have the SCUM title, he now wants me to do some maintenance work on the trolleys themselves. It'll be cheaper than sending them away. To that end I now have the additional title of Trolley Wheel Attendant or TWAT.
Good thing about this job is that I don't have to work with the Mongs. They're not allowed anywhere near sharp objects, so it allows me to develop a maintenance plan which is all my own work. I'm basing it on the plan I developed for the Underground Railway system somewhere in London, which as most of you know I spent sometime working undercover on for so many years. Worked well for them...I'm sure Tescos will be pleased with it too. Mind you the manager was a bit taken aback when I asked him to construct a pit in the area where the food arrives, and I want him to spend money on an overhead crane...well these trolleys are heavy...don't want to do my back in.
He's going to think about, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I heard that many times before from management, I remember my plans for a rifle range etc have been turned down by my employers.
Anyway, better get on, smells like the occupant of the next trap has been on the Guinness last night.

Shalom

I Want Money
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: The Flying Lizards
Not much to say today, the DTM changed my shift as expected, and I'm finding it tough to get into the swing of things again. I'm surrounded by loads of f*cking Poles, and while I am a master of languages, I never got round to handling Polish. Now swahili or one of those other mumbo jumbo things I'm pretty fluent in - just ask some of the cleaners - but these Eastern European things are a different matter. For some reason Mossad never bothered with those, and neither did the Kray Twins.
So it's back to the bogs with the grunting and the strange smells and people constantly tripping over the lead I use to plug my top secret communication device into the wall. I'm thinking of asking for a permanent transfer to the early shift, at least I get a bit of peace and quiet there.
Mind you day shift does have its advantages, there are a lot more freaks about to take the piss out of, plus there's the usual bunch of layabouts like the geezer with the variable bad back syndrome, and the dopey c*nt with big ears was trying to slide quietly out of the STD clinic. Looking at his record I see he's been referred to a proctologist as he has a strange object shoved up his arse...probably his brain.
Still we'll see how this week goes before I do anything drastic.

Shalom

All quiet on the West Bank
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Flushed Away
Well no reaction from that SCOPE mob, but I'm ready to deal with anything they throw my way. The shaft of my UZI is all greased up, and the knuckledusters I haven't used since I last went to the pub with Ronnie and Reggie are nicely polished.
I don't expect any trouble though, my reputation as a master debater - I think that's what I've been called - tends to make people shy away from a conflict with me, that and the fact I am deadly when aiming for a head shot.
Not much else to say today, the DTM is going to change my shift for the rest of the week, so no more early morning updates. Pity, I'm getting pretty used to the silence of the toilet cubicles, might find it a bit tough once they get all noisy again, plus someone sitting in the trap next door has a tendency to weaken my signal a little bit.

Shalom

I Don't Like Mondays
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Boomtown Rats Greatest Haircuts
Just a short update today because I'm basically a lazy bastard. I think I had a bad Bagel yesterday and I've got the old Delhi Belly, thank god the hospital has an unlimited supply of bog paper.
Still, while I'm getting over my touch of the trots, I figured I'd have time to respond to another e-mail. Some c*nt from an organisation called SCOPE has taken me to task over my description of those cheap trolley pushers used at Tescos when I'm not there. I have no idea why James Bond's sworn enemies have any interest in this, but I guess when you're trying to take over the world it's the small details that matter.

"To whom it may concern

A concerned member of the public has contacted us in relation to some comments they have read on your webpage about young people who suffer from Down's syndrome. They are particularly revolted by your description of the unfortunate individuals involved, and by your opinion that they should be packed off to Iraq.
Having read the opinions I must say I agree with the complaint and request you not make further remarks of this nature.
I believe that an apology is in order and I look forward to reading it on your page in the very near future.

Yours

R. Etard OBE,NASDAQ

Well there is only one response to that...Bollocks! Apology my arse, I didn't get where I am today by grovelling to anyone who wanted an apology. Look at all those f*cking Arabs I dispatched at the airport with a head shot, no way was I going to say sorry to those bastards for nicking their country.
Anyway that sort of e-mail always gets my blood pressure rising, plus I think some more of that Bagel is about to put in an appearance.

Shalom

It's not unusual
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Captain Scarlet and The Mysterons
Well I spent the rest of yesterday lying down, I'm glad the Tel Aviv hotline didn't ring, not sure I was up to covert operations last night. The phone did ring though, and the DTM is so impressed with the job I've done on the early shift he wants me to do it for a day or two more. No problem, means I get plenty of fag breaks and there are still a few new faces I haven't had the chance to talk to yet. It's strange but they are a bit unfriendly to be honest. Once I've spoken to them for a couple of hours, they always seem too busy to talk to me again.
Anyway as I type this I have a couple of steaming hot Bagels on the go. It's great that the Bagel Bake is back in operation after all the religious bullshit over the last week or so. I could have got some black market Bagels but they just don't taste the same, and besides who knows if they're really kosher.
I did promise you an update with the Benny situation and his continuing absence from the all happening scene here in London. Well I did get a message from hm the other day, he says Anne Schluss is still ongoing - I'm glad he's finally settling down - and that he is holidaying in the Sudetenland. I'm not too keen on that caterpillar under his nose though. Makes him look like that geezer from 1930's Germany...what was his name...Charlie something.
OK, well the butter is dribbling onto my hands, and I ca't have that, it means my Uzi might slip out of my hands at a crucial moment...and that will never do.

Shalom

The morning after the night before
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Engelbert Humperdinck Live in Streatham
Wow, that was a f*cking wild night out. Someone must have really decided to go crazy, and instead of Norseman which is the usual shit we drink, splashed out on some Stella instead. I can't remember much about what happened except I arrived home without my trousers, and I've been looking in the papers to see if they've got any details on our exploits. Nothing so far, but I did notice that the local paper had a short story on someone taking a dump at a bus stop. They've even got a picture of it, can you believe the stupid c*nt who did it left his trousers there. Still I have to say whoever it was has got taste...wears the same brand as me.
Anyway, what with my recovery time from that, and the fact I had to go to Synagogue today, I'm a bit late getting out and about and seeing what's going on. I did pop down to Tescos to see what kind of mess the mongs are making of it, and I was not impressed. Carts all over the place and some f*cking retard wandering around the car park dribbling on his vest smiling at old women. You know what they need to do with his sort. Shove "em in the Army and send 'em to Iraq, get a bit of action under their belts...never done me any harm and I've got the stories to prove it.
Anyway, my head's still spinning a bit from the can of Stella, I think I need to go and lie down.

Shalom

Friday Friday
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Swan Lake
OK, glad I got that off my chest yesterday. The thing that really pissed me off was the claim that I might dress up my stories a little bit, I don't give a f*ck about her whinging about my take on the mustard bus riders. If you've not got two brain cells to call your own you deserve to ride on those things. F*cking uncomfortable they are, and the amount of room that f*cking wheelchair lift takes up...I'll say no more.
Won't spend too long typing today, partially because I'm a bit bunged up and have to concentrate on the job in hand so to speak (There's a new roll on the bog roll holder so I want to take advantage), but I want to get home and have a nap as I'm going to a meeting of the Tooting and Mitcham Secret Agents Anonymous later on. They're always good cracks and we get a bit wild after finishing off a six pack of Norseman Lager, some of the pranks we get up too like turning Newspapers around in WH Smiths and setting off the fire alarms in tube stations...all good fun. It'll be a late night too, might not get in until at least 9 tonight.
Got to make the most of my rest as I'm scheduled to go back to Tescos next week, be interesting to see how the mongs have coped. I've seen trolleys all over the place though so I don't think they've done well.

Shalom

Ticket to ride
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: My Ding A Ling
OK, managed to thieve a new battery out of the ICU. Guessed it wouldn't matter, the geezers chart said something about him being a cabbage so he won't miss it. The machine made a funny noise afterwards but I didn't hang around to see what that was all about, it was just like the old days when I used to plant dodgy stuff on high ranking politicians...remember Watergate? Well that had nothing to do with me, but we had a similar thing in Israel called Porkgate...my finest hour.
Anyway back to f*cking retards like that bloke in the ICU. I thought I'd take the chance to reply to that biddy who wrote to me about the mongs who work at Tescos.

"You disgust me, ridiculing those poor people who through no fault of their own were born with a genetic defect. They can't help it if they dribble and talk funny. How would you like it?
You are typical of your type, think you're superior to everybody else. I have more respect for those poor kids than I have for your circumcised penis, you are probably a complete and utter liar. I've read those tales on your webpage...World Cup 1966 indeed."

Yours

Margaret Ponsoby Smythe (SAS Retired)

OK Missus, let me reply. If Tescos supplied those kids plastic orange bibs there wouldn't be a problem. I reckon that they take advantage of the fact they're f*cking mentally retarded and to old grannies like you they look cute. I bet you've never seen any action so I don't think you can criticise me you old hag. As for 1966...just ask Ronnie and Reggie...they'll back me up.

Dozy old fools like that really piss me off, I'm so angry just writing about it I think I need a fag.

Shalom

Carry On Constable
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: The Disney Channel
Still working the early shift, and probably will be all week. Some of you keen eyed Jew watchers have asked me why I've been going to work even though it was still a holiday for us Red Sea Pedestrians. Simple answer, I need the shekels, the rest of them can scramble for the kosher chuck aways at Tescos...me I need the money...it's not cheap to hire a helicopter for those Milk Tray missions.
Anyway this early shift is a doddle, not many trolleys to push around, just the occasional victim of MRSA to dispose of, gives me plenty of time to sneak out and have a fag by the bins. Just a shame I've got nobody to talk to.
It's been remarked that I'm not taking part in the local elections this time around, well the UJF haven't given up on political power, but with the Window Cleaner's busy schedule - he's doing night rounds now - and my extra job at Tescos we ain't got time to knock on doors...maybe next year or if I can arrange an assassination maybe sooner.
Was going to reply to some daft bat who has pulled me up on my comments about those retards who do the trolley day shift at Tescos. I think though I'll leave that for another time, the battery is running out on my laptop and I need to go and nick another one.

Shalom