Mood:  not sure

Ok, word has just reached me that Mossad haven't been paying the bills and after tonight I'll be scrambling around looking to hack into someone elses connection. So if you don't hear from me for a few days don't be alarmed, I'm not on special ops, I'm trying to round up a few shopping trolleys to get enough shekels to get the whole thing back again...if only I didn't have to pay for the f*cking petrol to put in the helicopter I'd be fine...and don't get me started on the cleaning bill for my black outfits.

Shalom

Mood:  crushed out

I'd almost forgotten that there was a match going on yesterday. Can't say I would have got too excited even if I had, I'm much more interested in how Chelsea/Fulham are getting on. Anyway, yesterday was a win win thing in a way, holding three nationalities (officially anyway) one of my teams was bound to win. Bit disappointed with the result though, but the Israeli team had put themselves at a bit of a disadvantage by wearing black eye patches in memory of Moshe Dayan's pet Tortoise who died this week. No wonder they couldn't find the goal. I haven't been to the new Wembley since it opened, I was banned from the old one after running on the pitch during the 1966 World Cup Final, and I'm not sure if the ban carries over to the new place. If Chelsea/Fulham get to a final this year I might give it a try.

Some of you have been asking where Benny has got to, and despite me using all my contacts, it seems he has disappeared off the face of the earth. I'm sure he'll resurface eventually when he's finished doing what he's doing, after all I need to give this page a new look.

Not going to be doing much today, I'll probably sort through my black outfits as I'll be able to start using them again soon, with the nights getting longer and all that. Probably try and get hold of my Milk Tray contact too, see how many boxes he has left over from the latest chocolate scare, he did call me the other week saying he had some cheap Beef going after the Foot and Mouth thing in Kent, but for some reason, the mention of anything to do with Kent brings me out in a cold sweat. No idea why, I think I'll go and see a Mossad shrink to get to the bottom of it. Don't trust those clowns at the hospital.

OK, well Sunday is Bagel day of course, and I've got a big brown bag of them just waiting for me to tear into them.

Shalom

Mood:  d'oh

Well nothing sensational going on. The hospital job continues to be pretty routine. I'm really having some thoughts about asking Mossad for a new assignment, especially since I got turned down for the NHS cycling squad. Sometimes an organisation just doesn't realise the talent it has at its disposal. Look at when I was working undercover on that railway somewhere in London. Mossad kept trying to get me promoted but even they couldn't swing it, ended up mixing with a lot of f*cking illegal African immigrants in their 'one size fits all' boots and overalls. At least I'm fluent in the dialects of at least 67 African tribes, so communication wasn't hard.

Nice to see that our stand in Rabbi from last year - Rabbi Bin Laden - is alive and kicking. I wondered what had happened to him, he did leave the Synagogue in a bit of a hurry when his spell came to an end. Looks like he's converted to a new religion too, now he wants everyone to become a f*cking muslim. I guess the hours work out better for him. He's big fan of Dulwich Hamlet, and  having to do the Syanagogue thing on a Saturday made it tricky for him to get to the games.

My new safe house is coming along nicely, and I've been busy putting stuff on the walls, you know the sort of thing, pictures of Yassar Arafat, signed autographs of Hollywood Actors, and some thank you letters from the widows of geezers I've taken out with a head shot. My own favourite though is a framed Moshe Dayan eye patch, which he gave me when I gave his car a push start on a rainy morning down Whitechapel High Street. I think he'd just been to see Ronnie and Reggie to try and negotiate my release from 'The Firm', he always viewed me as a highly prized asset, plus I could get cheap Bagels.

OK, Synagogue time, better slip on my Kosher bike clips and get pedalling, not using my special route until they clean it up a bit.

Shalom

Mood:  lazy

Tried out my new route to the Synagogue yesterday, a little disappointed as it seemed to be full of water and smelt like crap. I hope it's something the Mossad contractors can sort out quicky, there were a few complaints about the way I smelled, that's not good if you're trying to keep a low profile.

Anyway after Goldberg's lecture was over, I cycled over to B&Q to see if they had any of that black anti radar paint I was after. B&Q is not a place I enjoy visiting, it really hurts my professional pride to see the way the trolleys are scattered all over the car park, and I spend half an hour rounding them all up. Then when you finally get the f*cking retard behind the paint counter to finally help you and point out where the anti radar paint is, he looks at you as if you're f*cking clueless. Don't they train these f*cking muppets? Might as well have some f*cking illegal immigrant who can't speak English for all the help that c*nt gave me. Anyway I managed to get hold of a mate of mine in the US Air Force who reckons he can get hod of a couple of cans for me. He'll drop in his cockpit next time he flies over.

OK I'm going back to B&Q to sort out the trolleys again.

Shalom 

Mood:  not sure

Well I've blown them up and driven through the walls of them with my tank, but yesterday was a first for me. I sneaked in to a Mosque and got to see what all of the fuss was about. I thought the Synagogue was bad...the Mosque was a f*cking disgrace. What's the deal with having no chairs? If Goldberg gets wind of that he could save himself a fortune. All that praying and everything did my f*cking back in. I bet the bastards won't pay my quack's bill to have it sorted out. Still at least you can scramble about on nice carpeted floors, that was about the only thing I can say about the place that was any good, but all that chanting for Allah got on my nerves. I have plenty of their records but never got that excited about them. I was always quite partial to the blonde bird in them and my favourite song has to be Waterloo...I love songs about train stations.

Anyway it was off to my new safe house yesterday and that was a bit of a let down. Granted it has a proper bike rack, but the dozy c*nts hadn't taken my colour scheme into account. There wasn't a lick of black paint to be seen. You know what I blame? Ever since Mossad started letting these f*cking Poofs join up things have started to change. Now we have to have designed by Armani and Calvin Klein and that bunch of clowns. What was wrong with Avi Bloomenstein's made to measure stuff? Nothing that's what I say. The c*nts even put pink paint in my bog. Still the basement has been converted into a bomb proof radio room and there's even a slot in the garden shed for me to stick my trolley when I take time off from the hospital.

OK, time to try out the secret passageway to Goldberg's place.

Shalom

Mood:  happy

Well I sneaked off of work today as Mossad have finally told me that my new safe house is ready. I'm looking forward to it, I'll have somewhere safe to chain my bike, be close to the Synagogue, and be able to openly carry a bag of frsh Bagels down the road without getting funny looks from all those f*cking Arabs.

I've decided though that before I move on, I'm going to go and see what actually goes on in a Mosque. Never really bothered before, normally too busy trying to blow the f*ckers up, alongside those inside it. Don't know what time all the action kicks off, but I'll hang around outside until I spot the bastards turning up. I know though that my skull cap needs to be a white one, and I spent all last night and a fortune on Tippex making sure mine is dazzling. Should blend in lovely is my guess.

After that, well I'll pack my saddlebags and scurry off down to the new safe house and see what sort of job the Mossad guys have done with it. I hope they went with my suggested colour scheme of radar resistant black, we'll soon see.

 Shalom

Mood:  not sure

Didn't make it to the Synagogue yesterday. I'm beginning to lapse a bit and if I carry on like this I might be forced to quit Mossad and join some non Jewish intelligence agency instead.

Still I must be in Mossad's good books at the moment, as they sent me a nice pair of Bike clips which are made out of the same stuff they paint American Spy planes in. I think it's so I don't get caught on those f*cking speed cameras as I cycle away from my latest mission. Always thinking ahead those geezers in Tel Aviv, my cycling skills are famous, and with a good tail wind I can even give the fastest VW Beetle in the West a run for its money.

I'm a bit pissed off this morning as I've got to go back to the hospital tomorrow. I wasted my holiday to a large extent by hanging around with the hippies at Heathrow, and I didn't really gather much useful intelligence apart from the fact that I hate Folk music, and I'm glad I wash every day. I don't know what Mossad were hoping to gain from me being there. It's not as if there are spy planes landing there every day, we reserve that sort of thing for Fairoaks, which having seen the state of Heathrow I'm glad is my airport of choice.

I'm getting a bit desperate for a Bagel, and as soon as I finish filing my report I'm on the bike and down to Brick Lane. What is it about Arabs that they can't see the pleasures of the simple Bagel? There's not one decent Jewish bakery to be found in the part of the Edgware road I'm based in. That's a sad reflection of London these days, full of f*cking foreigners who have no loyalty to any particular country. Me...I never forget where I came from and am proud to be a Swiss/Israeli/Englishman.

Shalom 

Mood:  lazy

I was very unhappy with that bunch of unwashed layabouts last weeked. There I was hoping we'd be getting on a plane to somewhere nice and warm and what did those c*nts do? Go and stand outside the HQ of BAA instead. I did run around telling them that the Terminals were somewhere else but none of the bastards believed me, and some even got a bit stroppy. Soon put them right I can tell you, being a master in the dark arts of Israeli self defence techniques comes in useful sometimes.

So instead of having something interesting to tell you about my trip to somewhere special, I trooped off back to my new safe house and spent the week moping in there. I f*cking hate this place, it's almost like being on the West Bank with all the f*cking Arabs walking about. You'd never think I was in part of London. To top it all, I can't find a decent Bagel, and not even a Synagogue to waste some time in. It's not even anywhere near the f*cking hospital.

Still won't be long before my new bunker is ready and I'll have my own secret tunnel direct to Goldberg's flat. OK going to get the bike out and take a ride, I'll be practicing a few drive by head shots and believe me it ain't easy doing that and steering a bike at the same time. I was top of the class at the Mossad academy for that. That was always good, they'd line up a few Arabs they'd picked up for throwing stones at tanks, and you'd get a few shots at each...ahhhhhh happy days.

Shalom

Mood:  lazy

Well it's been a strange couple of weeks since I last had a chance to write. First off I'm no longer on Clapham Common, Mossad have got me somewhere properly built to stay undercover in. It's a nice little flat on the Edgware Road, and Mossad experts reckon I'll blend right in there. Mind you I haven't tracked down the Synagogue there, so I'll be cycling down to see Goldberg's ramblings. I don't mind really, I get to see lots of familiar faces and it's good to keep in touch with the Bus Driving window cleaner.

I spent this week camping out one last time though. Mossad wanted me to spend some time with the great unwashed, so I've been camping out with those filthy bunch of layabouts protesting about the Runway at Heathrow. Dozy bastards, I bet when they go on their protests to all those G8 summits they catch a plane. Anyway I don't think I made a good impression by turning up with all my kit and sliding down a rope from a Mossad chartered helicopter. After that nobody really wanted to talk to me, even when I offered to set up a MASH tent for the inevitable ruck with the Police which I've been trying to stir up. They kept going on about a peaceful protest but their f*cking folk music kept me up all night long...c*nts.

Anyway I'm not sure how much I've been able to achieve. We're all going on a walk in a minute so to the airport, I hope we're going somewhere nice, I've got my Mongolian passport with me just in case.

Shalom

Mood:  not sure

So as I mentioned we were due to have a guest Rabbi standing in for Goldberg who's gone off to polish his gold bracelet for a few days. In fact we not only got one...we got two! Some fat geezer called Prescott who's looking for a new job after his glory days alongside Blair, and someone else who is vaguely familiar. Remember that big eared geezer we had at the hospital a few months back? Looks like part of his therapy was to become a Jew. It was pretty weird watching someone read out of the old Torah thingy and putting in the word geezer from time to time. He said he was quoting out of the Torah anyway, but I don't recall the line saying "and the big geezer said all your bed materials shall be made of easy wash down plastic so thou will not stick to them" Maybe he was looking at the up to date version. Still like most of the audience I had this overwhelming desire to beat the shit out of him after 5 minutes. Some things never change. Prescott? He did about all he did when he was allegedly in government. Useless fat bastard sat there and did nothing, and the c*nt ate all the black market Bagels afterwards.

Still scouring the world for trouble spots. Someone suggested I zip over to Minnesota and help them build a new bridge. Someone obviously dug up my time in the Israeli Army's corp of engineers when we built that bridge across the Nile in just a day. Of course once again, Hollywood got interested in my feat, but to protect my identity they had to change the time and setting. So to all you muppets who think Bridge Over The River Kwai is a second world war film. Sorry, but just like Cockleshell Heroes and The Great Escape, it's actually my exploits that they are based on. Not that I made any money out of them...c*nts.

Anyway, time for a nice hot buttered Bacon Bagel. Look out for updates during the week, yep I'm going to actually make an effort as it could be an exciting week at the hospital.

Shalom

Mood:  not sure

Still on Clapham Common, went for a ride last night on the Underground. Haven't done that for a while, looks like it's all gone downhill since I was working undercover  down there. Of course I was going to be hard to replace, they were so in awe of my knowledge that they knew they couldn't let me go any higher, I was too valuable at that level. Of course it helped me maintain my cover, and that was just as important.

I'm thinking of having a weekend away next week as Mossad and the hospital have given me some leave. I'm still tempted by the idea of Iraq, looks like lots of action going on there, but it's still full of f*cking Yanks. That's what put me off it last year. I hate going anywhere the Yanks are. The Sudan looks interesting, you certainly get the weather, and I could do with losing a bit of weight. I'll work something out and I'll book it through the Mossad travel agency. Nice and cheap, even if it's not the most fancy way to go. Having to get all that false passport bullshit is a pain in the arse though. I wonder what nationality they'll give me this time. I hope I don't have to pretend I'm Harry Krishna again. I still have all the George Harrison records from last year, and to be honest...his stuff is crap.

Did I ever tell you about the time I met The Beatles? Me, Ronnie and Reggie were in a boozer just of off Vallance Road, and they just showed up and gave us a quick rendition of Yellow Submarine. That was very appropriate at the time because in between kneecapping shopkeepers who wouldn't pay their protection, and working at the Bagel Bake, I was working on the Israeli Navy's midget Submarine project. That would have worked really well let me tell you, but it hit the rocks when we couldn't find enough midgets to man the sub. These short bastards...you can never find them when you need them.

 Anyway, we have a guest Rabbi at the synagogue today, should be fun.

 Shalom

Mossad (UK) are currently looking to expand their covert operations in the United Kingdom's transportation industry. We are currently looking to recruit the following.

COVERT OPERATIVE (DAY SHIFT)  JOB NO: BS 351

COVERT OPERATIVE (NIGHT SHIFT) JOB NO: BS 352

These positions are based in London, you will be working underground in more ways than one.

If you are interested in applying please send your current CV to mossadhq@hotmail.co.uk please remember to put the job number you are applying for in the e-mail subject line.

If you want to learn more, you can also e-mail us at mossadhq@hotmail.co.uk

Thank you for your interest in becoming part of our team.

Gis A Job

Manager, HR Department Mossad (UK)

We would like to thank the Mystery Man for allowing us to use this space for these job announcements.

Mood:  loud

Yesterday as you all know by now is Synagogue day. As you also know I've been keeping a low profile from there after the misunderstanding involving plastic carrier bags and the traps in the bogs. Well yesterday I crawled back to my regular Saturday haunt and stayed at the back. Goldberg was as boring as ever, and then much to my horror they decided to send a collection plate round which is something they don't do every week. Now you lot might think, what's the big deal with that. Well I know it always ends up at the back of the place last. This means you can't make any change out of a pound coin as it's already been done by everybody else. So I'm not a happy bunny, especially as I had no Polish Zlotys to shove on the plate either. It's tough being in some sort of disgrace...but I'll be back.

I notice that Mossad are advertising my old job, and I was briefly interested in reapplying. But with my current communication difficulties I can't arrange for anyone to  swoop in and alter my previous record. I had to get away from there as my cover had been blown, and while I'm a master of disguise, it does take a little bit of ground work to do things properly.

Anyway got to make this short, the Tour De France is about to finish in Paris and I need to be there to make my annual cycle with the leaders up the Champs Elysee.

Shalom

Mood:  hug me

My my, what a week that was. All this f*cking rain did my little shelter on Clapham Common no good at all, but at least it kept all those f*cking George Michael fans away from me. Bunch of c*nts they are, just because I'm living in the bushes for a while they think they can come and harrass me for a while. I mean the other night one of them asked me for a blow job. I thought that's handy as my blow up bed was in need of some extra air, why the f*ck he dropped his f*cking trousers I have no idea, but I soon sent him on his way. If you offer to blow into something for me you'd better have a good set of lungs I can tell you. I like my Mossad air bed nice and firm.

Communications are still a problem for me as running cables to hook up to street lights is proving  bit difficult. Apparently since a bunch of thieving gippo's last camped on the Common, the council upgraded security on the lamp posts. Even my Israeli Army knife couldn't crack it. These bastard Arabs ruin everything for everyone else...can you see why we like to bomb the shit out of them from time to time. Anyway in an effort to restore contact with Tel Aviv I went down to Argos and picked up their top of the range Walkie Talkie set. Haven't heard anything from Tel Aviv yet, but I know they work. If I could handle more than one person on my bike I'd be making a fortune now with all the minicabs I've heard. Maybe I should get the Tandem out of storage.

OK, coffee's getting cold plus my Big Mac is beginning to look a bit angry at me. I was well pissed off this morning when they said they didn't have any Bacon Cheeseburgers available. How can I be a good Jew boy without any Bacon inside me before I go to Synagogue?

 Shalom

Mood:  not sure

OK, just a quick update as I'm feeling pretty lazy today and the price of Coffee is pretty high in this particular Starbucks. I think I'll start using McDonald's or something in future, much cheaper and plastic chairs so much more practical.

I've been getting a few e-mails from the "happy" community claiming I'm some sort of anti-poof character. I never realised there were so many proctologists among them, as many have offered to "exercise my arsehole". Well I think I should let you all know that my arse is in perfectly good working order, but I shall certainly take you up on your kind offers if I think it starts to get lazy. On the other hand I have to strongly condemn those who think I don't like you gay boys. I'll have you know that Mossad is an equal opportunities employer - except for Arabs...we don't employ those - and take a very strong line against comments against anyone because of their sexual orientation (I'm reading this out of the Mossad rule book). Not sure what part applies to you bum bandits but I'm sure it's in there somewhere.

My new safe house is taking a bit longer to put together than initially thought, so I've got a few more weeks living with nature in Clapham. I'm getting used to it now, but it'll be nice to get back to a solidly built bunker with the state of the art communications links with Tel Aviv. At the moment I fly a kite with a message on it and hope it gets picked up, I'm not sure how many of my messages are getting through.

Finally I'm hoping that some historical archives of my previous life on the Internet will start to make an appearance soon. Watch this space.

 Shalom

Mood:  irritated

F*ck me, that week flew by. Somehow word got back to the lads at work I'd been caught cottaging, and all week I've had to put up with my locker being filled with f*cking Tesco bags. C*nts...some bastard even jammed a trolley in one of the disabled bogs and fitted carrier bags over the wheels. They think they're f*cking funny, just like that time that bunch of Arabs somehow cracked Mossad's secret e-mail code and sent an e-mail to about 5 million Palestinians inviting them to a reunion. Moshe wasn't happy about that I can tell you.

Anyway I thought I'd try a different Synagogue today, as I am an international man of mystery I thought nobody would recognize me. Fat chance, as soon as I got there I noticed a number 93 bus parked in the car park. Just my f*cking luck, and sure enough there was the old window cleaner/bus driver. I don't know what the deal is with him, he was handing out leaflets advertising a "facts machine for sale". Either he has some computer based reference book, or it's a typing error.

I'm still camping out on Clapham Common, I was going to try Shepherd's Bush Green but I don't know what's worse. Drunken scotsmen called Teflon, or some fat geezer called Tony who wants to cuddle up to me every night. I figured I can handle the Clapham Common brigade easier, and I've found that nailing George Michael pictures around the trees on the common seems to give them something else to do so they leave me alone. All good stuff.

OK, better get going, my coffee is getting cold.

 Shalom

Mood:  lazy

I don't think moving to Clapham Common is going to help me much. I thought I'd be getting away from the Quentins of this world, instead I got a lousy nights sleep, as some geezer who claimed to be a former Labour party MP from Wales kept trying to get under my carefully constructed shelter...the new safe house can't come quick enough.

I've found building the shelter to be a tricky operation. My previous survival training was all based in the desert, and apart from digging a hole there's not much you can do with sand. I do remember one Mossad trainee who had the bright idea of shovelling the sand on top of himself, making himself completely undetectable. Great idea, and it worked really well. At least it did until I drove over him in my company issued tank. After that Mossad issued new instructions telling us that if we were to do the same thing, we should shove a bright orange flag through the top. Ok, no one ever got run over again, but for some reason the Arabs seemed to find us easier to pick out.

Still even with all my current problems, I still find time for a Bagel, and this morning I did the Brick Lane run with no problems. I was a bit worried about leaving my bike out on the Common, but I've learned as long as I don't take the saddle off nobody seems particularly interested in it, you'd think it'd be the other way around, but I'm getting the feeling places like this attract a certain kind of person. I think I'll send this valuable piece of information to Tel Aviv, make come in useful for our blackmail department.

OK, back to work tomorrow, can hardly wait, the bogs at the hospital are paradise compared to the ones at the prison, plus the paper is softer.

Shalom

Mood:  incredulous

Well I'm well pissed off. It's been a real shitty week and I've spent most of it in a Jail cell after I went cottaging with that geezer Quentin I met while I was camping on Hampstead Heath.

Now I don't know about you lot, but when someone tells me he enjoys cottaging, I assume he means he shares my interest in visiting quaint English villages looking at the cottages and drinking Tea. Well not this c*nt! It seemed a bit unusual that we never went to catch a train, and he had a couple of Tesco bags stuffed in his pocket. In fact we never made it past the bogs on the Heath. I thought he got caught short as he headed for the trap, I also thought he just didn't want to get his feet dirty as he put them in the Tesco bag. Imagine my surprise when he asked me to join him in there and put my feet in a Tesco bag too. Now I know the bogs on the Heath can be a bit dodgy, but surely he would have been just as safe with me hanging around outside the trap door. Anyway to cut a long story short, just as I was about to do that to keep him happy, a copper walks in and promptly nicks us both. Turns out cottaging isn't as innocent as I thought it was. I've spent the week trying to convince everyone that I'm no nonce. They even had a good laugh at my mysterious ID card with the Star of David on it...bastards...and I've had to face some pretty tough questions from Tel Aviv...such as wouldn't I have been better off using Kwik Save bags...they have a point there.

So today I'm keeping a low profile, no doubt word of my arrest has reached the Synagogue. Even though in the end they accepted I was an innocent party, you can be sure I'd be showered in carrier bags if I showed up there, although once they put a 10p tax on the things that won't happen. As for my safe house move...hopefully that'll get sorted out this week...for now I'm camping out on Clapham Common instead...well away from the Quentins of this world.

 Shalom