Mood:  not sure

Good day to you scumbags, I'm sure many of you have scurried downstairs into your secret bunkers, in eager anticipation to find out what Goldberg said yesterday in the hope you can work out what he was on about before I do...more of that later.

My secret bunker is of course state of the art seeing as Mossad just put together this safe house. On the wall are pictures of some of the more famous kneecapping victims from the days I used to hang around with the Krays. There's also a class picture from the Mossad academy, but I can't work out who's in it as we are all wearing black balaclavas, I'm sure I was in the centre though seeing as I came top of the class. Since then, I've been working undercover so have tended to shy away from the camera, if people like James Bond want to be so unprofessional as to have their picture splashed all over the place, that's their business. My favourite touch though is the built in fridges for the Milk Tray and Pepsi Max, which means the chocolates won't have melted by the time I've broken into some womans bedroom, and have you ever tasted Pepsi Max when it's warm? Tastes likes Cat's piss...how would I know that...well that's a story for another day. I would tell you about the computer, but that's classified information and specially constructed by Mel the computer whizzkid back in Tel Aviv.

Anyway what about yesterdays synagogue visit I hear you ask...well I don't seeing as the bunker is soundproofed. Well you lot know I don't take much interest in what's going on, I drift off wondering how the hell I've never heard of these Torah Wilcox songs that Goldberg keeps quoting from, I mean he's never mentioned "I wanna be free", which thinking about it is the only one of her songs I can remember. Goldberg's quotes obviously come from her religious phase. My keen hearing always picks up when he slides in the coded message so when he said "The Grass is Green" I made a mental note. Pretty obvious that one...our informant obviously is the seasick guy on the boat that got lost in the fog, it's a message telling me not to line him up in my sights when the time comes.

OK, Bagel time then I'm off to put my feet up and watch some Water Polo from the Gaza Strip on the Telly.

Shalom

Mood:  lazy

I've often wondered what goes through the minds of you c*nts who read my weekly dispatches. Some of you are convinced that every week this whole thing is just a heavily coded message to Tel Aviv as we continue marching on to the day when us Jews will dominate the world, others seem to beieve that overall these are just the ramblings of a rather pathetic ex-mossad operative, who is full of wonderful stories to brighten up your dull lives. Well believe whatever you like, but when a blog can claim to have some of the most powerful people on the planet reading it - like the chief baker at the Bagel Bake for instance - there must be something in it.

Anyway what's been going on...not much to be honest...my whole week has comprised of pushing trolleys around corridors in a rather filthy hospital, spending lots of time talking to people (my favourite part), and keeping some old African dictator under watch until we work out whether to bump him off or not. I've always been good at keeping a low profile, so I'm well suited to this kind of work. It does mean spending many a lonely evening on my specially painted black bike trying to track someones movements by looking through a cardboard bog roll tube. I do get some strange looks, but if they can't work out what I'm up to then I must be doing my job well.

Synagogue today and you regulars will know what that means the next part of the coded message is due. It's all coming together slowly but surely but I've always been a more all action type of agent rather than one who gets information drip fed to him, but this must be one big f*cking operation for the details to be dished out like this. I'm pretty pleased to have been selected for it.

 Shalom

Mood:  not sure

There I was yesterday dozing off as Goldberg rambled on about something religious when my keen Mossad trained hearing picked it up "The Frog sat on the log". My first instinct was that I knew the French had weird habits when it came to using the bog but sitting on their crap was taking it to extremes. Later though when analysing the thing properly, I realised that I was merely to look out for a frenchman sitting on a wooden bench. Now putting this together with last weeks message it's all beginning to make sense, although I don't know how many wooden benches there are in that seaside town on the Kent coast. I'll have a look at woodenbenchesinseasidetowns.com later on, maybe they'll have the numbers.

After I left the synagogue I was at a bit of a loss what to do. I haven't received any money off coupons in the post so couldn't go shopping, the bike tyres are nicely pumped up, my trolley at work is nicely polished, and the end of my Uzi is gleaming. So I decided to take a ride around and see what was going on and nearly got knocked off my bike by a bus that had ladders sticking out of the window. I haven't seen that bloody window cleaner in ages and the bastard didn't stop. I'll certainly be using my contacts to find out where he lives now, I think we need words.

Today is the anniversary of one of the darkest hours of my Mossad career when I failed to prevent the assassination of Yitzhak Rabin. I believe this story is one of the things that Benny has prepared for the website, but the lazy c*nt hasn't got round to putting it up yet. In my defence I will say that Bagels taste better when they're warm, and the microwave was playing up a bit, my slackness was in no way a result of me listening to the lottery results on the radio, although it was a rollover weekend and the jackpot had reached 25 shekels. Anyway I was in the Mossad doghouse for a little while after that, I wasn't allowed to get any black cars out of the carpool for a month, the bastards even made me buy my Pepsi Max from Waitrose instead of Tescos. The increased costs almost sent me under.

Shalom

Mood:  lazy

First off let me say how upset I am with that fat bastard Meatloaf. He was supposed to be doing a kosher concert at the Synagogue, but the c*nt's called it off, something to do with exhaustion or something. F*cking exhaustion...he doesn't know what that is....during the six day war, me and Benny spent days going without sleep while checking out Egyptian positions and don't get me started on trying to keep up with Ronnie and Reggie's Brown Ale sessions. These f*cking rich rock stars are spoilt bastards and this is just proves it.

Had a bit of a security scare this week, it was brought to my attention that Mossad's top secret code book produced by Fisher Price was actually on sale at the local Toys R Us. Well I had to go and check it out, and it looks like the Tooting branch has an out of date version. Just as well, you know how much grief it is when security gets comprimised. Mind you I am pretty concerned to see Fisher Price have been knocking out all sorts of secret agent stuff although I was impressed by the Milk Tray guy delivery outfit...looked almost real.

Ended up using my B&Q coupon on some polish after all, and now my trolley at work is gleaming, I'm going to use what's left over on my Uzi and the chrome bits on my grapple hooks. When I carry out a mission I like to look my best, and when they see the shiny grapple hooks, security normally know they're dealing with a professional and that's half the battle won. I remember how I had the shiniest blocking bar when I worked for that Underground railway in London, the other c*nts used to say it's because I didn't do any work...if they weren't so f*cking slow they'd have seen me giving it a polish after I'd finished.

Shalom

Mood:  loud

Well I must say that the cleaners did an impressive job with my Skull cap. It's spotless, no that it did me any good with that job in Tottenham though, they gave it to some Dago c*nt. I'm considering consulting my legal advisor, might be a touch of the old anti-semitism here, although they didn't seem too impressed by my idea of changing their kit into a stripey outfit.

The Goldberg code builds up week by week, although at this pace it'll be the next Jewish New Year before I've got it all. "The Elephant has big ears" was this weeks contribution. Quite easy to work out this one. It's a clear reference to a seaside town on the Kent coast, and as I piece it together I'm getting the impression that super terrorist "The Cat" is lying on a mat, waiting on the beach for a boat called "The Dog" which has got lost in the fog. The big ears thing just tells me exactly where, although for security reasons I ain't telling you that.

I'll be out and about on the bike today, looking to spend that B&Q discount coupon I got in the post the other week. I think I'll try and use a different branch though, as my local one seems to be staffed by a bunch of retards who have no idea where the secret agent equipment aisle is, and they always look at me if I'm a f*cking moron for asking. I don't really know what I'm after to be honest although I'm sure it'll hit me when I see it. If I can't find anything for my undercover job, maybe I'll just buy some polish for my trolley at work, it could do with a spruce up.

Did you remember to put your clocks back? F*cking stupid idea if you ask me, I'm keeping everything set to Tel Aviv time so I know when the bigwigs are on duty there. I've found that it's the best thing for me, you never know when Mossad might need their ultimate killing machine to leap into action.

Shalom

Mood:  not sure

Well after all the anticipation, my package from Mossad finally showed up during the week. First off I'd like to say that some c*nt had already opened it and I couldn't look inside it until I'd had it checked for Anthrax or something. Then when I did finally get to look inside, I'd never been so disappointed since I got overlooked for presenting Mossad's SQE briefing for new agents...I'll never forgive Moshe for that. Anyway instead of the latest black clothing or grapple hooks which was what I was expecting, all the f*cking package contained was this months edition of "Mossad Monthly", a new thing by the powers in Tel Aviv to keep us all up to date with the latest goings on and who has assassinated who. Well some of the f*cking pages were stuck together, particularly where the interview with the geezer who played Reg Holdsworth was printed. What sort of c*nt wanks off over that? Careful examination of the envelope tells me it passed through a sorting office on the Kent coast, I sense an investigation will have to be held. The rest of the thing was a big disappointment too, no money off coupons or anything...tight fisted bastards.

Some of you have asked why I only update this thing at weekends. My answer to you is to mind your own f*cking business! Don't you understand that intelligence gathering is a 24 hour business, plus I have to keep myself in shape for the next round of Milk Tray deliveries. That all takes time, and the only time I allow myself any sory of break is at weekends when I'm getting ready to go to Synagogue, or pumping up the bike tyres before I head out to the Bagel Bake. Sometimes I might have an idle five minutes during the week but it's not often. Also when you drink as much Pepsi Max as I do, you spend a lot of time throwing yourself out of aircraft or snowboarding.

Anyway, got to go and pick up my skull cap from the cleaners, not only do I have to get hold of the latest coded message from Goldberg, I have a big job interview at some football club in Tottenham who would prefer a Jewboy in the hotseat.

Shalom

Mood:  lazy

Well first things first I've been up all night trying to work out what the latest coded message from Goldberg means. According to my Fisher Price code book, the message reads as "The Dog gets lost in the Fog". Can't make head or tail of it to be honest, and it's nothing dramatic...lots of things get lost in the fog. Anyway I'm sure it will come to me in the next few days and I can begin planning my next mission...with all the secrecy involved it's looking like it'll be a major one, I'm polishing my Uzi with excitement...I can hardly wait.

Still no sign of my package, but I did get something worthwhile in the post yesterday, a 10% off coupon for B&Q which I might go and use today. I need some new bomb defusing tools, my trusty wire cutters have worn out from the amount of times I've had to cut the red and earth the blue. I know many of you don't really have time for terrorists, and I can hardly blame you, but bear in mind if everything got nice and quiet it might put me out of a job, B&Q would lose money, and the makers of bomb disposal wire cutters might go out of business...it really pays to think things through you know.

Some of you have asked whether I've seen the bus driving, fax machine salesman Window cleaner lately. The answer is no, his bus hasn't been seen in the Synagogue car park for quite a few weeks, and just like Benny he has disappeared from the scene. I'm pretty impressed with the way both of them have gone to ground, it's almost as if they've been taking lessons from me on how to keep a low profile.

Shalom

Mood:  irritated

You f*cking c*nts who read this really drive me crazy sometimes with your daft questions. Some c*nt has sent me an e-mail asking who the UJF are. Now far be it from me to poor scorn on some f*cking retard who hasn't got his finger on the political pulse, but if you don't know who we are by now you haven't lived. But just to clarify, we are an alliance of closet Jews who may or may not have connections to Mossad and the Kray twins and have never met Frankie Fraser. I hope that clears it up. Our membership is so top secret even I don't know who is involved...I do know though that I am widely regarded as their master orator.

Speaking of c*nts, my package from Tel Aviv still hasn't arrived yet, and it may be that my masters back in Israel will have to resend the goods. This additional expense will mean that Mossad are less able to assassinate people who piss them off, and may mean a small deduction being taken out of my Geneva bank account. Bastard posties, if I catch that c*nt doing his rounds in the middle of winter wearing an exclusive Pierre Cardin black Balaclava I think a head shot may be in order, although thinking about it, those ones normally have kevlar lining...maybe I'll shoot him in the bollocks instead.

I'll be going back to my normal hospital on Monday after completing my two weeks covering in Slough. Jesus that place is a f*cking hellhole, and I pity any of you c*nts who live there. I ended up having to chain my bike to my trolley so I could keep an eye on it all the time, pissed off the surgeons no end as the wheels kept getting caught on the operating theatre doors. Can't say I was too impressed by them either, they would never have been able to handle what I saw in the MASH tents back in Israel.

OK, it's off to Synagogue with me, time to see what's next in my coded message from Tel Aviv, finding out what follows "the cat sat on the mat" has been keeping me up all week...the excitement is almost over.

Shalom

Mood:  not sure

Well my phone has been ringing off the hook since that Ming geezer quit as leader of the Limp Dems. I'm much in demand to stand for the leadership of the party and you can see why...I'm a master orator and can spellbind an audience for hours talking about nothing in particular, I have rugged good looks, and I'm a snappy dresser who has women falling at his feet, especially when I'm in my black outfit (just ask Madam Sue). However I'm taking this opportunity to rule myself out of the running, I'm already involved in the UJF and besides I don't want to pay the membership dues.

Of course this wouldn't be a problem if I took up some of the offers from my African readers, who are more than willing to give me some of the proceeds of the bank account of some geezer who has been killed in mysterious circumstances. Now while I am familiar with arranging accidents of this nature, I don't normally help myself to their bank accounts afterwards. If I need any extra funds, I either tap up Mossad for a few shekels or hang around the Supermarket car park for a while. So thanks to Mr Tarima West and the others who have made this kind offer, but maybe you could channel your efforts to people who need it...by the way I am a well seasoned traveller and am very familiar with Russia after my run ins with the KGB...whereabouts in Russia is Burkino Fasa?

Anyway enough talk, the phone's ringing again and I have someone waiting on a trolley outside the office.

Shalom

Mood:  not sure

Well I dutifully attended the synagogue yesterday to hidden messages in his boring ramblings. Checking with my Fisher Price codebook, I worked out that he was telling me that the "Cat sat on the Mat". Now I must be out of the loop or something but I'm wondering who the f*ck this Cat geezer is. Is he an international terrorist in the same league as Carlos the Jackal? If he is he must be a Muslim, they're always sitting on mats. Maybe next week when I pick up the next bit of the message it'll all become a bit clearer. I can only assume that this must be a mission of top secrecy as the information is being released in small bits, probably be christmas before I get the whole thing.

Because I spent so long working on decoding this crap, I didn't have much of a chance to do anything else yesterday, and there's still no sign of my Mossad equipment. This really will teach those w*nkers in Tel Aviv a lesson. They shove this stuff through the normal mail system because they get a discounted rate through the Israeli post office, but as soon as it hits the UK those lazy striking bastards working for the Royal Mail hold everything up. Bunch of lazy c*nts. Can you imagine what would happen if us secret agents stopped work for a while. Be f*cking chaos.

I do worry about the sort of person who reads this. Only yesterday I got an e-mail from someone asking me who Ronnie and Reggie were. Are you for f*cking real? I learned more off of those geezers than any Mossad training course, and one day if I can get my Jewish Mafia off of the ground you'll see what I mean. There won't be a Dinari in the land we won't be able to get our hands on. In the meantime if you really want to know, do your own f*cking research and Goggle it like I did.

OK, another week in Slough coming up so I've got to get the bike ready, plus my Bagels are getting cold.

Shalom

Mood:  lazy

It's been a bit of a weird week overall. Got a call from the hospital asking me if I wouldn't mind filling in at another place for the week. A change of scenery is always nice so I had no problem with it. Got to admit though the area was a bit rough, I'd heard Slough wasn't that great but I was f*cking horrified. Just glad my jabs are up to date. Also had to dig out my Mossad issued bike lock and remove the saddle just to be on the safe side. Forgot to put the saddle back on one night too, that's a ride I won't forget in a hurry I can tell you.

Now some of you lot are probably thinking I'm a bit of a tree hugger by cycling everywhere. Well when you've won cycling championships etc you tend to enjoy riding, and I must admit I do. But the reason is a little more obvious than that. It saves me a lot of money, Mossad took away the petrol allowance a long time ago, and I'll be f*cked if I'm paying the price that Tesco charge these days. It's bad enough having to pay 20p for air for the bike tyres, one of the reasons I invested in a new pump from Woolies the other week. So if anyone out there thinks I'm available for Airport protests or anything...go and find some other c*nt, once my US contact sends me my new fake ID for the US bases in England, I'll be filling up the VW Beetle there.

I've been told by Tel Aviv to expect some new equipment in the next few days, but because the f*cking postmen have been on strike it hasn't arrived yet. What a bunch of c*nts, don't they realise that this stuff I'm getting could lead to me being assigned a mission that might change history. Would never have happened if Ronnie and Reggie had still been about, they knew how to keep c*nts like that in line. Still gives me something to look forward to, unlike Goldberg's sermon this afternoon, but I've got my Fisher Price codebook at the ready so I'll have to go and listen...who knows I might even find out what sorting office my Mossad stuff is at.

Shalom

Mood:  irritated

OK, well no doubt you lot are all wondering what I got out of my trip to Woolies yesterday. The Tooting Broadway Woolworths will always have a special place in my heart, it's where I first signed up for Mossad, and I bought my first ever Black Balaclava, although it was closer to a shade of Navy Blue but back then I couldn't tell the difference. Boy did I get a lot of stick over that...it wasn't until my Auntie Sharon knitted me a proper black one that I finally got accepted as one of the lads...anyway that's a story for another time.

Well my trip was one huge f*cking disappointment. When I was an impressionable young agent, I swear the place was full of exciting stuff like shaped charges and ropes to throw out of helicopters. These days though it's all very tame, and from my point of view it's full of tat. They didn't even have the Uzi clips I was after. In fact my information was completely wrong. It was paper clips they were selling off on the buy one get one free scheme. I must admit I was mightily tempted by getting a box, but they looked pretty cheap and nasty, you need good sturdy ones to be able to pick locks and defuse bombs. So I came away almost empty handed, did pick up a new pump for my bike though.

Because of my trip there, I missed Synagogue. I can't afford to do that too often though as I've heard that Goldberg's sermons are really coded messages from Tel Aviv, if I miss too many sessions they won't make much sense to me at all. Also they've just launched a new 'frequent attender' scheme. It's a bit like Air Miles but instead of free flights, you get things such as free fillings for your Bagels or a cheap funeral. I need to get in on that, the Bagel Bake has just put up its prices.

OK, better get on, got to keep the bike in ready to roll condition in case I'm asked to carry out a last minute covert operation.

Shalom

Mood:  incredulous

Well all week long I've been up to quite a few things. Obviously pushing a trolley around the hopital is one of them, then I went back to the safer realms of the Safeway car park to make a little bit extra, but most of all I've been a man in demand, and no this time it's not for my marksmanship skills.

All week long this talk of an election has had all the parties knocking on the door of my safe house wanting me to be a candidate. I'm known for my master of oratory, so I shouldn't have been too shocked. Even that bunch of misfits with the dodgy policies - The Liberal Democrats - tried their hand. I turned all of them down though, there's only one party for me and that's the UJF, got to stay true to my beliefs, and nobody else seems to have the policy of nuking the Gaza Strip and having a seasonal Bagel allowance built into the Old Age Pension. Anyway don't matter much now, Mossad intelligence reckon the old Sweaty has got wind of me standing and is running scared...maybe I should make myself more active...I could really change things.

I've got a bit of a free day today, no asassinations or chocolate deliveries planned so I think I'll take a trip down to my local Woolworths, haven't been in there for ages and my contacts tell me they're doing a buy one get one free deal on Uzi clips, sounds pretty tempting to me.

Shalom

Mood:  lazy

OK, now I guess seeing as this thing is broadcast to the world at large that there are some c*nts who will eventually read it. So it came as no big surprise to be accused of being anti-jewish after my sign off yesterday. For f*cks sake, just because I used the word gentiles doesn't mean I don't appreciate my Jewish following. Some of you sad bastards could really do with getting a life.

Anyway spent the day at ASDA's yesterday, and f*ck me you get a lower class of person there. Those council estate kids are real tough and the competion for the pound coins from the trolleys was pretty intense. I've got f*cking bruises and everything where the little c*nts kept lobbing bricks and shit at me. Lucky I was wearing my kevlar skull cap. Managed to make a fiver too so it wasn't a total write off, but I think I'll stick to Safeways in future.

Of course spending the day there meant I didn't get to Synagogue yesterday. Can't say I miss it to be honest. They pass the f*cking tray around and expect you to throw something in it. Ever since I got ripped off by sitting at the end of the row and not being able to change up a 2 pound coin, I've not been happy there. Plus Goldberg is getting really f*cking boring these days, I think I'll have to arrange a little accident for him, get a new more with it Rabbi. Before anyone asks, I'm not interested in the job. Would interfere with my Milk Tray deliveries and the Bagel Bake run. Even the odd free Bagel doesn't tempt me.

OK, talking of Bagels I've got some in the bag and am ready to roll. Also got a copy of yesterdays Chelsea v Fulham game to watch. Don't know the result yet either, seeing as I support both teams, I can't lose.

Shalom

Mood:  loud

OK you plebs, as promised a fresh update from the new safe house somewhere in the heart of Motspur Park.

First off I'd like to thank the lazy bastard customers of Safeway who can't be arsed to return their shopping trolleys. Your laziness is my reward. OK I've had to fight off a few scumbag kids for some of the trolleys, but that's when you can see my Mossad training kick in, They stood no chance.

Things at the hospital remain the same although reading some of the Internet message boards it seems there is a new threat which I have to be on the alert for. Seems some winos have got wise to the fact that the hand sanitiser contains alcohol and have started using the dispensers  on the wall like free optics. We haven't had them fitted in our place yet, we prefer good old MRSA in the building, and it seems winos ain't too keen on that.

Some of you have asked how my attempt at sorting out Gaza went. Actually not too well, turns out I'm not such a good head shot after a few drinks. Following the fat bastard around the pubs of Newcastle I had no choice but to blend in with the scenery until I got the perfect chance. A couple of Babychams later and I'm wobbling all over the place. Now that stuff has a kick on it let me tell you. I'm famous for winning Mossad drinking contests so that stuff must be good. Anyway probably worked out for the best, I think I was after the wrong Gaza. For some reason Mossad sent me tickets to the middle east not the North East...I'd better do some research on what they really want.

OK, I'm off to ASDA's, kids there are smaller so I'll get my mitts on even more trolleys I think. Tomorrow gentiles.

Shalom

Mood:  not sure

OK scumbags, I'm happy to report that I've earned enough shekels to arrange for Telstar to fly over my safe house this weekend and pick up a couple of dispatches to Tel Aviv. While I'm doing that, I'll bring you lot up to speed on what's been going on.

 So come back this weekend and I'll see what has been declassified and can reveal to you.

 Shalom

Mood:  incredulous

What is it with you c*nts? I tell you a slight lie and actually spend my weekend bombing nuclear power plants in remote parts of Syria, and when I get back what do I find? All you bastards are being really good at returning your shopping trolleys at Tescos so I'm not making any extra shekels to help Mossad pay for a new Internet connection.  As a result I've volunteered to go and sort out Gaza for the Israeli government. Why the f*ck the government have got a problem with him I have no idea, to me he's just a fat geordie bastard, but a job's a job and with such a slow moving target, a head shot is a piece of cake.

So once again, I'll be busy this weekend and you won't hear from me. The good news is that if I get Gaza sorted I'll earn enough dinaris to get my connection back again, and won't have to break into the head porters office and use his computer, and things can return to normal.

As for you w*nkers returning your trolleys back to the right place at Tesco...f*ck you...I'm off to Safeways when I get back...better class of shopper there and lazier too, probably be able to afford new bike clips after a night there.

 Shalom

Mood:  not sure

Ok, word has just reached me that Mossad haven't been paying the bills and after tonight I'll be scrambling around looking to hack into someone elses connection. So if you don't hear from me for a few days don't be alarmed, I'm not on special ops, I'm trying to round up a few shopping trolleys to get enough shekels to get the whole thing back again...if only I didn't have to pay for the f*cking petrol to put in the helicopter I'd be fine...and don't get me started on the cleaning bill for my black outfits.

Shalom

Mood:  crushed out

I'd almost forgotten that there was a match going on yesterday. Can't say I would have got too excited even if I had, I'm much more interested in how Chelsea/Fulham are getting on. Anyway, yesterday was a win win thing in a way, holding three nationalities (officially anyway) one of my teams was bound to win. Bit disappointed with the result though, but the Israeli team had put themselves at a bit of a disadvantage by wearing black eye patches in memory of Moshe Dayan's pet Tortoise who died this week. No wonder they couldn't find the goal. I haven't been to the new Wembley since it opened, I was banned from the old one after running on the pitch during the 1966 World Cup Final, and I'm not sure if the ban carries over to the new place. If Chelsea/Fulham get to a final this year I might give it a try.

Some of you have been asking where Benny has got to, and despite me using all my contacts, it seems he has disappeared off the face of the earth. I'm sure he'll resurface eventually when he's finished doing what he's doing, after all I need to give this page a new look.

Not going to be doing much today, I'll probably sort through my black outfits as I'll be able to start using them again soon, with the nights getting longer and all that. Probably try and get hold of my Milk Tray contact too, see how many boxes he has left over from the latest chocolate scare, he did call me the other week saying he had some cheap Beef going after the Foot and Mouth thing in Kent, but for some reason, the mention of anything to do with Kent brings me out in a cold sweat. No idea why, I think I'll go and see a Mossad shrink to get to the bottom of it. Don't trust those clowns at the hospital.

OK, well Sunday is Bagel day of course, and I've got a big brown bag of them just waiting for me to tear into them.

Shalom

Mood:  d'oh

Well nothing sensational going on. The hospital job continues to be pretty routine. I'm really having some thoughts about asking Mossad for a new assignment, especially since I got turned down for the NHS cycling squad. Sometimes an organisation just doesn't realise the talent it has at its disposal. Look at when I was working undercover on that railway somewhere in London. Mossad kept trying to get me promoted but even they couldn't swing it, ended up mixing with a lot of f*cking illegal African immigrants in their 'one size fits all' boots and overalls. At least I'm fluent in the dialects of at least 67 African tribes, so communication wasn't hard.

Nice to see that our stand in Rabbi from last year - Rabbi Bin Laden - is alive and kicking. I wondered what had happened to him, he did leave the Synagogue in a bit of a hurry when his spell came to an end. Looks like he's converted to a new religion too, now he wants everyone to become a f*cking muslim. I guess the hours work out better for him. He's big fan of Dulwich Hamlet, and  having to do the Syanagogue thing on a Saturday made it tricky for him to get to the games.

My new safe house is coming along nicely, and I've been busy putting stuff on the walls, you know the sort of thing, pictures of Yassar Arafat, signed autographs of Hollywood Actors, and some thank you letters from the widows of geezers I've taken out with a head shot. My own favourite though is a framed Moshe Dayan eye patch, which he gave me when I gave his car a push start on a rainy morning down Whitechapel High Street. I think he'd just been to see Ronnie and Reggie to try and negotiate my release from 'The Firm', he always viewed me as a highly prized asset, plus I could get cheap Bagels.

OK, Synagogue time, better slip on my Kosher bike clips and get pedalling, not using my special route until they clean it up a bit.

Shalom