So it's Mother's Day coming up. I was looking for through happy Hallmark cards at the mall. They all suck. If they're not filled with pictures of kittens, they've got long, generic poems, written in mistral font about what it means to be a mother. The "novelty" section is grossly overpopulated with Ziggy (which by the way, Ziggy isn't funny).

I was thinking - hey, Hallmark, American Greetings - cut the bullshit. Let's give mom a card that says the same message you guys are getting at, but none of the bullshit. So I designed some of my own for submission! Yes!

Nothing make you feel happier in life, knowing you could have spent half a million dollars on yourself, but instead, wasted it on me (or you). Uh-oh, got five kids? That's 2,500,000 dollars in the bank. Of course, you would die alone with no one to pass on your DNA, therefore your existance would be pointless, but hey, who can argue with that kind of money?

Cut out the bullshit on most cards and this is what you get. This is your first waking and conscious memory as a human being. How gross, demeaning, and bloody. I'm pretty sure that's how you look when you die too. Anyway, mom can thank you for the extremely advanced aging around her stomach and hips, the sore and tender nipples, the sleepless nights of indefinate rocking. And your dad can thank you for the end of his sex life.

This has to be the most direct of them all. She could've ended you at any point she wanted. Mom probably still could today. But why does she keep you around? I don't know either - probably maternial instict. Saved by God again. You were lucky this time.

I'd instruct you to buy the cards now through the site, but it's not like you can't copy, paste, and print them yourself. You know you will.

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