The temperatures outside are rising (except this weekend, since it might snow). The last couple of days, we've reach near record highs. You know what that means. Once the temperature reaches above 50 degrees, every motorcycle and bicycle comes out of hibernation.
There's three types of motorcyclist - the westcoast wannabe wannabe-hells angels. The type that cut their mufflers off their cheap Harleys to create an ungodly annoying sound every time they accelerate. But they don't go faster than 5 miles over the speed limit, therefore I have no choice but to tailgate them.
There's the my-parents-bought-me-this-for-my-birthday Japanese-Suzuki stunt daredevils that beg people to look at them on the road. Please, someone, just notice me, they say. I'll do a bad ass wheelie. Those are still cool, right? Ok, I'll rev my engine at every red light. Is that cool? Come one, someone look at me! I'm on an imported bike! Hello? Anyone care?
Finally, the worst of them all, the I'm-60-years-old-on-an-oversized-wannabe-police-bike. Sometimes, I'll even wear a white helmet to fully simulate the cop look, just to make you break check your speed for two seconds until you realize I'm just an a-hole on a slow bike. Oh, and there's the actual police motor cycle motorcycles, which actually are the worst, since you think it's just some a-hole senior citizen on an oversized bike. And they can hide almost anywhere! You can see the patrol car speed traps miles down the road, but bikers, damn- camouflaged!
Wait, I forgot about the "professional" bikers. The ones on pedal bikes, that think they are Lance Armstrong, that ride their bikes in the busy STREET! It doesn't matter how little room they take up in the street, since there are so many ASSHOLES that still don't know how to drive, they are too afraid to pass you! So what starts as a cyclist in a street, is followed by a 99 year old senior citizen who can't seem to pass him and should be rightfully dead anyway, followed by 60 cars who are too chicken-shit to pass either of them, followed by me, wondering, what the hell is the holdup?!
What does this have to do with fat people? Cause fat people love motorcycles! God it's so gross. The fat from their ass pours over both sides of the small seat. It's like a black hole or a car accident; no matter how much you try, you can't help but look at it just because you are shocked by its unnatural state of motion.
I came up with the following math equations - hopefully, this will be just enough for the noble prize (for science or something like that).
As you can see fat people plus speed equals impossible. The exception to this rule is if you add food to the equation. Fat people plus food equal speed. It seems that's how many people become fat in the first place, because of their overall lack of exercise, over indulgence of food, especially unhealthy food. In fact, for most of them, eating is the only thing they can do fast in the first place, maybe besides dying prematurely. Finally, Ryan Seacrest isn't the only homosexual 'Ryan' in Hollywood anymore.
Lose some weight. No excuses - stop blaming your problems on genetics or DNA. Eat Subway sandwiches and EXERCISE. Or wait, just start slower. How about instead of DOING NOTHING, just DO SOMETHING. Take baby steps into it, don't give up, you can do it. Your really aren't helping erase our stereotypical American image of fat, lazy, imperialistic assholes.