There are three ways to determine the wealth and popularity potential of children in elementary school. They are:

Shoes - There are a wide range of shoes one could wear to school - the worst, being barefoot (you don't belong in school anyway if you don't have shoes). The second worst is Velcro shoes - not so much in the 2nd or 1st grade, but past the 3rd grade, where everyone- even the dumb kids should know how to tie their shoes. Next in line is the generic Kmart/Walmart/Hills brand shoes that kind of look like cool shoes, but are less than $20 - this is where I stood in the world. Then, the middle and upper classes wore either name brands (adidas, nike, etc) or the cool light up shoes (when you walked, they lit up, like in that famous basketball at night commercial). Shoes are an important aspect of life in elementary school.

Smell - Kids who are clean = middle class. Kids who smell = poor and dirty. Kids don't associate with kids who smell. They make up names to make fun of dirty kids. If you want your kid to be popular, make sure they shower all the time and insist they wash their hair.

Let's say you've got the shoes and a non-offensive odor. What separates the men from the boys? Crayons. The more crayons you are packing, the better. Note this example:

So, there you have it. Want to be cool in 3rd grade? Then listen to me bitches.

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