The Lady of Shalott

hmmmm. yes, it's been awhile now -i've been far far gone from my body, myself, my spirit, and most things I care about. It's funny how quickly our house of cards will fall. Tennyson speaks more clearly than I ever could, " I am half sick of Shadows, ' said the Lady of Shalott."

Where in the world to pick this up...there's been so much, so much pain and hell, but yes a glimmering though that. It's the glimmering that's the long run point, but the pain that's been the hard part.

I met a woman who wisely advised me to keep my dark humour through all this, I assured her, that I do. Of course this assurance came though a lot of nodding and what I will presume is expressive looking. Somewhere a couple of weeks ago, I became unable to talk, not speak, but talk. Let's just make that CLEAR, my voice-box is highly intact and as soon as all the burning and sores subside in my mouth I will be oh-so-talking it up once again. However, it's been hard to find the humour, hard to find the grace and should anyone bring Pollyana over to watch as a DVD, they no doubt would find it the victim of a cruel blender incident.

Radiation mixed with five days of chemo is an incredible cruel trick of hell. Up to now, weak and sick and not feeling well, well that was all apparently a dress rehearsal as I slipped into a shell of myself for a few days. Surrounded, surrounded EVER surrounded by the TRIBE. (I said once that I find the expression "Body of Christ" way too mamby-pamby to describe what I see around me.) I've seen the TRIBE move into action better than any kind of Green Berets. There have been chart making, cleaning, people to sit here, people to be, people to do laundry, people to feed my python...and it's still in motion.

Now, here's a big thought - easy for some, but don't be patronizing to my moment, and it's QUITE the aha light bulb moment. I am surrounded by all this love and caring just because. I have beyond nothing to offer anyone, I'm not funny or cute or even nice sometimes, I get physically sick frequently, I'm constantly hooked up to odd machines. And no one bats an eye. I get embarrassed and try to explain, to apologise, and to compensate..to bring SOMETHING...to the table...and I just can't Can't CANNOT. Not, "don't want" but physically, emotionally CAN offer nothing to anyone right now, and yet the thump thump thump of the heartbeat is still there.

In all this silence I get to watch and I get to listen and I get to think, there are so very many of the "got-to's" in my life I thought I had let go of. Nope. Just thought so. So I lost my hair - I still had wigs and cute bandanas, I stil looked quite cute. Now, it matters not, even though my hair is growing back some, it still looks freakish and not world-standard attractive - and i JUST DON'T care. So I had cancer and lost my energy, it wasn't that bad, and until last week, I still had fair amounts of freedom. Being tied down to a bed and dependent upon the TRIBE and not being able to go and do and not to mention EAT, well that's driven me to near depressive states. Not quite to the "don't care" stage on that one, but I'll get there. Work, oh, there's another, how MUCH I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE my job and my students and getting to create. How hard it's been letting someone else do all that for me for a season. (And yet, she and I have emailed a few times and not only is she doing a good job, but understands how important this is to me and is being so very good to keep me in loop.) So all this is to say that we as a western culture just think we get stressed and pulled and stretched. Have so much to learn.

The Lady of Shalott did not stay in her tower forever, she broke the curse, when she looked upon Lancelot. Who's to say that in her dying boat ride down the river, that there was not an awakening, a rebirth?
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Fun product plug: They have invented numbing lollipops - who knew - I LOVE these
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For those of you who haven't heard from me in awhile, I'm sorry but I've been out of commission. I wish I could say I had been in Greece, but that will have to do.
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teasers for next time - more on the TRIBE, what fuels them, and really, what of those that meant well, but kind of fell by the wayside?

Medical upates - 15 more treatments of radiation (well 30 if you count that I go twice a day) and it's what's called the "boost" a smaller box of focus, which HOPEFULLY will let the rest of the mouth/throat start to heal some.

Besides the list of things I want to go and bloody DO (besides the London trip!!!!) but oh my - the eating list!!!!! I'm going to get fat again!! hahaha