Buffy

I still love him. The scary thing is I never stopped. I suddenly realise this and it’s too late. All these years are gone and I could have told him. I could have just got on a bus and went to see him. Told him then and there, as simple as that. But now it really is too late. He *married* her. Isn’t that final? He married her and I suddenly realised and then everything shattered. It was some time last year, he’s human now of course. I’m told she looked beautiful and that he was handsome and it was a fairytale wedding - in a church with flowers and candles and so goddamn perfect.

The sixteen year old inside of me that’s been buried for so long is screaming that it should have been *me*. I was meant to marry him, my Angel, in a church with a beautiful dress and then we would have walked out into the sunlight together. He would have tilted my head back and kissed me and I would just *know* that my life was finally okay.

We said it was forever and even after years apart I still believed in that forever. That one day things would work out because he was my true love. My soulmate. Now I don’t even know what that means.

I’d spent my whole life *waiting*. Waiting for him to turn human and tell me that he loved me. For us to have that happy ending. And now he is human, just like I always wanted, but he’s not *mine* anymore and if I’m honest with myself he hasn’t been for a long time. For him to be human and then marry Cordelia is just wrong. I see them together laughing and smiling, his lips nuzzling her neck – God, I remember those lips – and I want to shout it out.

Cordy likes to rub it in that Angel is finally hers. It takes all I have not to hit her. She has no idea what real love is. Oh, I don’t doubt that she loves him. But not like I did… do. She can’t understand what its like to cry over someone until there are no tears left. To give them your *everything*. To have them leave you and your world fall to pieces. But I can’t blame her for this. I can’t even blame him. If only I had known. It’s so ironic that I would only have figured out that I loved him after he married her. But even if I had known before, what would I have done? Done a Rachel, stormed into the wedding to tell him and then realised that I couldn’t ruin this.

I haven’t had a boyfriend for a couple of years. Oh sure I’ve been on dates but anyone other than Angel just seems wrong. The thing I had with Spike, it just fizzled out, ended. Screwing him senseless didn’t help with any of it. Lying on a cold stone floor as he went inside me, Angel’s face filled my head. And I pretended he was Angel but that didn’t help either. And Angel, the real thing, he was in Los Angeles flirting with Cordelia while back in Sunnydale my life slowly splintered to nothing.

I left Sunnydale five years ago and came to LA. The memories were just too much there. But now with them together I wonder if the memories weren’t less painful. It was three years ago when I stopped being the Slayer. It wasn’t like I just quit. Faith died in prison. She was always so *strong* and full of life. I don’t understand how she could have just died, faded away. Poor misunderstood Faith. She never wanted my sympathy but now it’s all I have to give her.

A new Slayer was called. Her name is Michele and she’s sixteen. She’s pretty too, with short sleek dark hair and eyes that crinkle up when she laughs. And she’s nice; I can’t hate her for taking my job. She’s not like Kendra and serious all the time but not at all like Faith either. Apparently she’s like me. That’s what Angel said and I remember being like that, years ago. I wonder if he knows that that part of me is gone now. At first we slayed along side but after a while I just stopped. It’s better she does it, at least she cares about what she’s fighting for. I stopped caring a while back, something else Angel doesn’t know. Sure I’ll slay a vampire if I see one. Sometimes I even go and look for them on purpose after another dinner with Cordy and Angel.

Anya and Xander come to their stupid dinner parties - like we’re all friends and Angel and I were never together – sometimes too. Xander practically begged her to take him back which is kind of romantic, Anya loves him of course and so she did. They got married a couple of years back. I went to that wedding but something about weddings tears me up inside. They make me bitter. Sometimes Dawn visits from San Francisco and has a meal with us. Spike turns up, invited or not and is almost civil to everyone. It’s all so awkward. People try to make polite conversation. Cordelia touches him all the time and laughs loudly at Spike’s dirty jokes. She tells us about her latest acting job and I bite my lip to keep myself from slipping some comment out. Anya makes blunt comments – still – and we try and pretend she never said anything because sometimes it hurts. Maybe it’s just me that wants to cry when she talks about Angel and me and maybe Angel is okay with it. BuffyandAngel is of the past to him. To everyone apart from me.

Spike and I are even semi friends. He doesn’t look at me like he did before and I am so relieved. Sometimes he flirts with Dawnie but I don’t mind. I hardly ever see Willow and I miss her. She’s the only person I could tell about Angel. But she left for England with Tara a while back, to visit Giles and they decided to stay for a few weeks. Weeks have turned into months and she calls me a lot but it’s not the same.

Angel never looks at me properly. He avoids my eyes and I don’t know what that means.

I look at my watch and realise it’s nearly midnight. I pick up a stake, my eyes spotting it easily in the dimly lit apartment and swing open the door. Might as well work off some of this aggression.

continued