Angel

I didn’t know. No, that’s not the important part. The important part is I didn’t even think about it. Didn’t even wonder. Sure, I didn’t see her or talk to her for months, years sometimes but I should have at least wondered.

After she told me about the past few years, I told her what had happened to me. Connor. Darla. Cordelia. All the things that she didn’t know and perhaps didn’t want to know. God, I didn’t want to know about Spike but I needed to. I think we needed to. It suddenly occurred to me that this was the first real conversation we’d had in years. The first time we’d actually talked. I missed that. It just seems wrong that our worlds used to be one and the same but somewhere along the way they changed.

There’s a part of me that ached when we talked about Cordelia. There’s a part of me that ached when I was with Cordelia too though. It hurts no matter what - I don’t know why I figured humanity would be easier than immortality. It’s not. If anything it’s *harder. Guess things aren’t meant to be easy. That would make life boring right?

After we talked, I went back to the house, my house. Cordy wasn’t there and if she was I wouldn’t have known what to do or say. I suppose she went to stay with Anya or someone. Most of her clothes and belongings were gone when I checked.

I couldn’t go back to Buffy’s place. It’s really not fair and right now, I’m so messed up things would probably go badly. So I booked in at a hotel and I’m sitting on the bed wondering how I got here. How on earth did I get this far?

My mobile rings and I pick it up eager for any kind of distraction from these thoughts.

“ Angel? It’s me Anya. I’m just checking to make sure you’re not suicidal or anything.” She says chirpily.

I can’t help but smile. “ I’m not suicidal.”

“ Oh. Good. But you wouldn’t be, I guess... so how’s Buffy?”

“ Why do you assume I went to see Buffy?”

“ How is she?” Anya says again and I can almost hear her eyes roll through the phone line.

“ She’s fine” I say cautiously. I never know what Anya’s going to say next.

“ Fine huh, you had sex?”

I *really* didn’t see that coming.

“ No!”

“ Just wondering. It’s a common human response to betrayal. Get drunk. Have sex. Feel guilty. Get even more depressed. I’ve been there.”

“ You really have.” I say, remembering someone telling me about her and Spike.

Anya doesn’t take it personally. “ Oh, you mean I slept with Spike and so did Cordy? I guess. He *is* good in bed.” She reflects.

“ Damn it. I didn’t mean to rub it in or depress you further. I’m sorry.” She’s sincere this time.

“ It’s okay.”

“ Good. And if you want moral support well, I wouldn’t suggest coming round here ‘cause Xander really doesn’t like you, I think it’s jealousy issues. Plus Cordy’s here. She’s not so happy herself. But if you want to talk then I’m here and I really know a lot about this stuff. Vengeance and the like.” She says brightly.
R “ There’s vengeance now?”

“ There could be, if you want?” I hear a little eagerness in her voice.

“ No An, I don’t want.” I tell her quickly.

“ Fine. I suppose vengeance is a bad idea but still.” She sighs wistfully.

“ How’s the baby?” I change the subject.

“ Live and kicking. Really kicking. Boy, you have to be creative in the bedroom with this pregnancy thing, let me tell you – “

“ Maybe another time.”

“ Okay” She says amiably.

“ Are you really okay?” Anya asks me again. She doesn’t give me time to answer. “ You will be.”

I smile.

“ I’d better go. Take care”

“ You too”

I turn off the phone and look around the hotel room, briefly cheered up but my momentary happiness quickly fades.

I don’t recognise any of this. Not the surroundings but this feeling. It’s not heartbreak or loneliness because I’ve been there before, I would recognise that. I don’t know what it is but it’s new and it’s tearing me up.

I close my eyes and fight the urge to phone Buffy.

continued