It couldn’t mean anything else right? Osiris couldn’t be the Egyptian god of resurrection and also puppies? They *could* be doing a spell with puppies. Man, what am I talking about, what else could it possibly mean?

Wait, I should be *happy*. Ecstatic. Not wigging out like this. I mean, we all miss Buffy. ‘Miss’ doesn’t begin to cover it. Her being gone is killing us. Willow cries when she thinks nobody can see. Giles hasn’t been the same since. I’ve seen Anya holding Xander when he quits being all macho and guy like, and just needs to cry.

And me? I’ve cried more times than I can count. I’ve lain awake at night wishing, that she would be here again. Thinking back to that night and thinking how I could have stopped her. I don’t *think* I could have.

But I’ll never know.

I fantasised about her coming back a million times, but I…I don’t think it’s right. Not like this. When I tried to bring Mom back, Tara told me that it was wrong, that we didn’t have the right to mess with life and death. And we don’t. I didn’t then and I don’t think Willow does now.

I’d have thought Tara would have tried to stop her. Maybe Willow persuaded her. Anya should know that this is insane and wrong and against everything natural though. And Xander, maybe Xander would have wanted this. He used to love her. I know he loves Anya now, that’s easy to see, but a part of him will always belong to her. When she was gone, he fell apart.

Angel didn’t come for the funeral. I don’t think he *could* come. She was the love of his entire existence. She never got over him as much as she tried with Riley. Perhaps coming to watch her being put in the ground was just too much. He’s gonna live *forever* and… she didn’t.

It wasn’t even a proper funeral. We didn’t tell anyone, just buried her out in the woods. But he knew. Willow went to see him and he just *knew* what it was before she said a word. If everything wasn’t so heart shattering and terrible that might even be romantic.

Cordelia and Wesley came to Sunnydale though. Cordy muttered some apologies about how Angel couldn’t make it. Later on she cried. I had never thought that Cordelia had even liked Buffy. But she cried for her. Ruined her mascara and perfect makeup. Maybe they weren’t friends and maybe they spent High School with claws out at each other but Cordy knew Buffy and I think she respected her for what she did. I guess Buffy coming here and Cordelia finding out about vampires and *helping* shook up her world more than a little.

We couldn’t tell Riley. Nobody knew where he was, and besides he *had* left. I suppose he did love her but if you really love someone wouldn’t you want to stay with them no matter what? You wouldn’t run away. It seems like that’s what he did. I know Angel left her too but that’s different, things were so complicated and he was all noble and thought it was *better* for them. That she could have a normal life that way. After the intensity of what they had had I didn’t see how anything could be normal for her ever again. If only he had known how Buffy had cried afterwards. She spent another summer moping over him.

I got so sick of it, honestly, I told her just to go and find him. She loved him, he loved her, wasn’t it that simple? Buffy just looked sad and shook her head. I used to have a crush on Angel too. But Riley, I think in the end it was better that he went - she didn’t love him and even if he had stayed I don’t think she would ever have.

Tara and Anya didn’t know Buffy all that well. Not like Willow and Xander did. They were her friends though. That’s what counts. And it’s tragic and unfair that she’s gone but they’re moving on, dealing with it somehow. They should be. I think we all have to.

I think wherever she is, it’s *good*. She was a good person. It makes sense she would go to a good place…

I want her back too though. I know this is wrong and screws with the order of life but…I miss her. I miss her so much.

continued