It started to rain then. Not the kind of rain that drips and spits at the ground but the rain that falls and fall, that doesn’t stop, like tears. I know this rain well. It rained like this the day after the night Buffy died. I suppose it meant something that it was raining then, that things had come full circle. I ran my hands through my hair, and wasn’t surprised that it was drenched already.

I ran outside last time it rained like this and stood there in the rain and let it soak me. I don’t know how long I was out there that day but eventually I had felt Tara shaking me. She led me inside and I remember thinking that it was Tara and that was okay but it wasn’t my Mom and it wasn’t Buffy. It wasn’t ever going to be them and that wasn’t okay.

Now it’s that same rain that bruises me but I don’t want to run away anymore. I don’t want to cry on Tara’ s shoulder and act like things are alright. I finally figured out that they’re not. I don’t think they’re going to be for a long while. This is real and I have to deal with that.

“ Nibblet, you’re soaking” Spike’s voice called across the clearing.

“ When did I stop being Dawn? I asked and turned around to face him.

He looked up. “ You’re still Dawn”

“ Uh huh. That’s why you won’t look at me properly anymore and don’t call me by my proper name anymore” I said matter of factly.

Spike shrugged – still not looking at me. “ I never did call you by your proper name, Bit”

I rolled my eyes and leaned against a tree. I folded my arms across my chest and sighed. I’m tired of this and I don’t think I can do it anymore.

“ Is that all you wanted? To avoid talking to me properly and observe that I’m wet?” I snapped at him and if I had to act like a bitch, Spike wasn’t the person I would have chosen to be mean to but I was so sick of this. People lie when they say things aren’t awkward after certain events happen, like a kiss for example. Nothing has been the same since and I hated how awkward things are. You’re supposed to forget about it and move on but I keep remembering.

Spike looked at me directly then. “ I wanted to see if you were okay, Dawn”

I looked down, trying to ignore the hurt in his voice and the pointed way that he said Dawn. I shake my head.

“ The only reason you give a damn is because of Buffy. You’d rather be over there, moping at her grave than here so maybe you should just go do that”

Oh God. I shouldn’t have said that. What was I thinking? It was mean and unfair and I wish it wasn’t true.

Spike strides over to me and grabs me by the shoulders. And I keep remembering.

” Dawn, you know that’s not true. Where the hell do you get this?”

“ Where do I get this? Were you somehow not there during your stalker phase for Buffy?”

I’d been trying to avoid this conversation with her for weeks. I didn’t want to talk to her about this because maybe these feelings would go away, it would stop. It’s obvious she does want to talk about it, it’s obvious they’re not going to just go away and I can’t avoid this again. What is it they say? Honesty is the best policy...where the hell did I get that? Maybe I *have* been watching Passions too much. Of course they also say the truth hurts.

It doesn’t matter. I was never one to look before I leaped, or think before I spoke anyway. Life’s short, even for me. There’s no point in waiting around to say and do things and I started to wonder why I’d never thought of it this way before. When did I start thinking about what I was going to say and when did I stop doing things I wanted to do - like kissing Dawn on numerous occasions? I can’t remember but not anymore, it’s been too long like this.

“Dawn yes I had feelings for your sister. I wanted her.” I began.

Dawn looked down and started to bite her lip. She does that when she’s nervous.

“ Look at me.” I instructed and her blue eyes glanced up to meet mine.

“ I even respected her in a way. Whatever way a vampire can respect a Slayer, I respected her. Buffy was a good person, hell I even liked her. But I didn’t love her, I wasn’t in love with her. For a while I thought I was, maybe because of this chip. I don’t know, I’m not a bloody psychologist. The point is I wasn’t in love with her and I’m not now.”

Dawn frowned slightly. “ But you said you were…I mean you acted like you were, I thought – “ She started to say.

I shrugged. “ I was wrong. I don’t want to be at that grave mourning Buffy. She should be mourned but I don’t want to be there right now. I want to be here with you.”

“ I wasn’t drunk when I kissed you, Bit, I’m not now” He finished and his hand reached out to cup the side of my face.

“Oh” That was all I could say which was pretty stupid considering. There were probably a hundred things I should have said but I couldn’t think of any of them then. ‘Me too’ didn’t seem like it would cut it either.

It didn’t seem to matter. I was suddenly unaware of the rain and the fact that I was soaking through. I barely registered Spike’s fingers lightly touching my lips and didn’t control my fingers that were reaching for his and my lips that were pressing against his lips. He kissed me and I forgot the rain.

All of the rain. This was real too and it was finally a real I wanted to be in. The rain is eventually going to stop falling, I know that.

I closed my eyes, lost in this real and I could feel that.

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