Mean in life

On the day he died the parlor went dim.
And proceeding to dial his next of kin,
the coroner shrugged and let out a huff,
told the wife he was rigid down by the guff.
"His body was bloated and he didn't go quick.
He swallowed an octopus and even a stick!
He swallowed a hundred gallons down in the gale.
To the coroner's shock, he swallowed a whale!
No," he said, "the bastard wouldn't die and forfeit a
fight.
I believe he even swallowed the titanic that night."

She said she know something was wrong when the kitty
didn't run.
"Sometimes he'd kick it just to have fun."
The wife danced with relief and shredded her robe of
strife.
One thing for sure, he couldn't be mean in life.
"Yippie YI, yippie Yi!" That's what the coroner said.
"Alas, Alas! The bastard is dead!"

Well they weren't Jewish, but set to bury him that
day.
And the mortician was ecstatic to put him away.
He said "this one stinks and will smell up the
freezer."
And certainly that was enough to give stiff Betty Lou
a seizure.
Well he didn't deserve marble, so they threw him in a
bag.
And on to the chapel, he really started to sag.
It looked like potatoes with an arm hanging out
I never saw so many a loungin' at a funeral ‘about.

Well the bag tore and the hag busted a gut;
out of the plastic and into a rut.
The nephew came up and thumped his head
It was payback time (even though he was dead.)
The kitty cat came and clawed at his tie
And in the main chapel, every eye was dry.
And as she was saying,
a trumpet was playing!
A trumpet was playing!
The fat sister did sing.
The landlord swooped and swiped his gold karat ring.
Now to the graveyard, and bury him quick!
Bury the now before you see his leg kick!

Throw over the dirt ‘fore he comes back from the dead.
And he'd be madder than ever to see the kitty leak on
his head.
Now to the graveyard, is that smoke from the tire?
His luck was so bad, the hearse caught on fire.
The hearse caught on fire!
The hag's heart attacked.
And the mortician cursed ‘cause now two would be back.

----- by Dean McRae

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