This whole episode, the actual sex, is one of those memories that is real clear to me, now, 25-plus years later. I recall the smells, the sounds, all of that. And it seems like every second was stretched way out. I don't know why some memories are stronger than others. Some of the sexual experiences I had, I can recall in that kind of micro-detail, once I get in the memory-groove. Others stay fuzzy, even when I let myself go and free-associate, which usually lets things surface. I thought for a while that it was related to whether the particular thing happening was brand-new to me, and/or more intense. It's connected to that; but there's more to the whole thing. I just don't know. I guess it's a good thing I'm not a psychologist - I'm lousy at analyzing what makes people tick, including myself. :)

Anyway, this is one of those where I remember the sequence and events clearly. And the emotions, too. I remember the emotions that I felt.

We didn't waste any time getting to the actual event. We both knew, I think, that we didn't have alot of time; his mom wouldn't like it if we called late. We were both aware, I think, that neither of us knew the Stable Lady's schedule. And in any case, we always had quick sex. No fooling around. A boy- thing. :)

I whispered (for some reason, we whispered the whole time in the stall, although it was more private than the main barn area): "You want to do me first?" I really wanted that. As I said, I wanted to feel him inside me. In retrospect, considering how things turned out, the other way around would've been better. But neither of us knew exactly what to expect. He whispered, "Okay... how do you want to do it? On your hands and knees?" I said, "Yeah, I guess so... I don't wanna lie down on the straw." I was imagining a thousand little prickly bristles sticking me while we did it.

We were wearing our school uniforms, of course, which included very loose pants. I undid my belt and pants, and immediately they fell down to my ankles. This was one of the few things I liked about those uniforms. :) Kenny did the same thing. Both of us were mostly stiff already (which was normal). I pulled my boxers down to join my pants. Kenny started to pull his briefs down - but I wanted to do it, so I reached over and pulled them down for him. I liked doing that. It was always cool to watch his huge cock spring out when I pulled his briefs off. Like a jack-in-the-box for big kids.

We both had the nervous giggles by now. You know how it is. :) My shirttails were in the way, so I pulled my shirt way up to my chest and tucked it under. Then I turned around, got down on my knees, with my butt pointing toward Kenny, and dropped to my hands.

I felt the cool air on my butt. I remember my feeling, too, right then: I felt vulnerable - and I liked that feeling. I knew I was taking what most people would consider a passive role. It was rare for me to take a passive role in anything I did. This was new, and different. It excited the hell out of me, then. And I also felt so close to Kenny. I wouldn't do this for just anybody. But him... yeah. It was okay. It was more than okay. I was getting ready to receive him, receive his cock in my rectum. But really, I was giving him something. Something nobody else had ever gotten, something I could give only him, and only once. That's how I felt, though I had no words to say it, back then.

As soon as I was down, I realized we had a basic logistical problem - I was going to need to spread my legs way apart - not so he could get his dick up my butt, but to let him kneel between my legs while he did it. And my pants and boxers were holding my ankles together. Easy enough to remedy. I whispered, "Wait, I gotta get my pants all the way off." As I spoke, I was using my right foot to get the shoe off my left foot, then pulling my left leg out of my pants and underwear. I repeated the whole thing with my other leg, and kicked everything back toward the corner.

I got into position again, and spread my legs way apart. My legs were far enough apart now that I could feel my anus exposed to the air. Vulnerable, open. It was going to happen. More than his finger, this time. Oh, yeah.

Kenny was back there, fumbling around. I looked over my shoulder at him, but it was too dim with the stall door shut for me to see. After a few seconds I realized he was rolling up his shirt, so it wouldn't hang down and interfere. Then I heard him searching around in the bag for his KY. His fingernails scraped the nylon as he looked, making this distinctive little whispery- scratching noise that I can still hear today. He got it out - I could see the white tube glimmering. After that, his hands moved down out of the light, and I couldn't see. But I know when he opened it, and started squeezing it out, because I could hear the cracking and popping as the air bubbles escaped. Another sound, too - the faint, slick sound of a boy coating his erection with the lube. I know those sounds, now, and I guess there maybe be a few similar sounds - but there aren't many. There's a power to sounds like that. Power, as in electricity.

I couldn't see. It was nice.

He whispered: "I'm gonna put my finger in first... Ready?" I said, simply, "Yeah."

I was trembling a little. I doubt he noticed. It may not have been visible.

I felt his finger touch my hole - and that jelly was cold! I flinched and involuntarily squeezed my buttocks together, trapping his finger. He whispered, "Let go... I can't do it if you won't let me." I made myself relax. He touched my anus again, and this time, knowing what to expect, I braced myself. He pushed, gently but firmly. I remembered about pushing back with my muscles, and as soon as I did that, his finger slipped right in.

It still felt funny, like the first time - and cold, with the jelly. And my anus felt tight around his finger. I didn't know how his dick would feel in there. But I was anxious - impatient. That craving. A second or two after he got his finger inside me, I whispered, "Okay, I'm ready."

I don't know how similar oral sex and anal sex might be to others. And I can't say much about how similar they are to me. I was penetrated hundreds of times at one end, and only once at the other. But I can tell you one thing they have in common. They're both all about filling a vacuum - a void. For me, they are.

Kenny got directly behind me, keeping his finger inside - I could feel it wiggling as he got into position. He nudged my legs a little farther apart with his other hand, so he could get up close. I could feel his body heat radiating on my butt and thighs. He was so close to me, so close. He pulled his finger out. It felt like it was still in there, and yet gone. Void. He grabbed my left hipbone with his hand, and I felt the back of his other hand brush my buttcheek. And then, the next thing I felt...

...was something against my anus. And it wasn't cold, it was hot. And it wasn't a fingertip - it covered the whole outer sphincter muscle. Ohhh... I could feel the heat on the inside surface of my cheeks, where his penis touched them. I felt the tip wiggle a little against the opening as he shifted position slightly. Then he whispered, "I'm gonna put it in, now... tell me if it hurts... okay?" I just nodded. I was too far into it for words by now. Anticipating, wanting.

He pushed. Nothing happened. I tried to push out with my muscles. Nothing. He applied more pressure. I felt it, but nothing was giving. He whispered, "Are you pushing out?" I nodded again. I felt him sort of slide the head of his cock up and down across the opening, and then he pushed again. Still nothing. I pushed, harder. Nothing. This was getting frustrating. Why wasn't it going inside? I wanted him inside me.

He eased off, and I felt his cockhead break contact. He whispered, "I want to put a little more of this stuff on you, and on my dick." I nodded. I was a real conversationalist at that moment. :) (At the time, it never crossed my mind that he might not be able to see me in the gloom. After we traded places, I realized that the boy at the rear had the light behind him, over his shoulder, and therefore the visual advantage. We hadn't planned it that way at all. But for my part, at least, that was so cool - one of the best parts of Kenny fucking me was the absence of sight. And when I fucked Kenny, I liked looking at my cock disappearing up his butt... and looking at him. He said later that it was the same for him. So cool.)

He got the tube and I heard him moving around back there, and then his finger touched my anus again, slid inside. This time he moved it in and out and (I think) rotated it back and forth, which hurt a little at first. He left his finger in, and I felt his dickhead between my cheeks again, right below his finger. Okay, I understand. He's gonna pull his finger out, and then immediately slide his cock inside while I'm still sort of opened up. It seemed like a good idea. I got ready to push.

Kenny pulled his finger out, fast - and then, almost before I could push, he had his cock at my sphincter, pushing hard. A second later, I pushed back. For another second, northing happened - long enough for me to feel disappointed - and then, all at once, I dilated, and the head of his cock began to slip inside.

I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my anus, and gasped. At that moment, I didn't realize that it wasn't the whole head - just the front, pointed part. Maybe a half-inch. I didn't know it, then. I thought it was the whole head, maybe more. It felt huge. And it hurt.

Kenny didn't stop (and I don't know that he could've.) He pushed. The pain grew; I squeezed my eyes shut, saw stars. I grabbed the straw in my fingers. He pushed, hard. I felt my anus reluctantly opening to let him inside, and he slipped forward a little more, and the pain grew, became a big white starburst inside my head. Then there was a "change" in the way the thing in my butt felt... and then he stopped.

I was gasping and letting off little squeals of pure pain. It wasn't unbearable... yet. But it was getting there. Ohh, it hurts. I didn't know it was going to hurt like that. Not until we were finished did I feel the wetness on my face, under my eyes.

Now that he'd stopped, Kenny noticed my state. He let go of my hipbone and shook my shoulder gently (which wobbled his dick inside me, stabbing the pain into me for a second), and whispered, "Are you okay?" I couldn't answer - just gasped some more. He whispered, more urgently: "You want me to take it out?"

As far gone as I was into pain at that moment, I didn't want that. I was hoping, somewhere in my mind, that the pain would go away. I still wanted him to do it. And besides, I was a stubborn kid. :) I shook my head. He said, "Hey, it hurts, I can tell... You sure?" I nodded... and then managed to say, "Just leave it there for a few minutes."

So we stayed that way for a little while. And, little by little, the pain did begin to subside. It still hurt, but the sharp edge was going away. The stars went away, a low red haze remaining in their place. I wasn't gasping anymore - breathing loud, but not gasping.

And, along with the pain, I began to feel another sensation. It was unlike anything in my experience. I don't have a word for it. But it's the opposite of vacuum, the opposite of void. It's not "full" or "filled". It's like the feeling you get when the jigsaw puzzle piece finally fits, after you've looked through all the pieces and then turned the piece you found every which way. It fits.

After maybe a couple of minutes, I felt like I was able to continue. I flexed my sphincter muscles, gently, experimenting. That hurt, but not badly. I whispered, "How far in did you get it?" I was thinking halfway - about four inches. He said, "Um... it's the head. I stopped when the ridge went inside." I was amazed - it felt like it was way up inside. (Later, when we talked, and put two and two together, I realized that the "change" I'd noticed was the coronal ridge passing through.)

"Are you okay, Danny?" Kenny was one of those kids who rarely used your name when talking to you. This was one of those rare times. I knew he was concerned about hurting me. It made me feel good - special. (It made me feel loved, if I'd been able to admit it then.) And it made me more determined than ever to go through with it. I said, "Yeah, I'm okay now... put it in a little more. I'm ready."

I guess Kenny wanted to put it in a little more, too. :) He pushed, and I felt it slide in farther. And yet another new sensation: another type of pain. This wasn't severe or sharp - it was more like a dull aching, and it seemed to come from somewhere deep inside, not near my anus. It wasn't as bad as the sharp pain. I've read about that internal pain, in years since, and how it can be about as bad as anything you'll ever feel. The worst pain I've ever been in was when I had kidney stones (which are also supposedly about as bad as it can get.) I wasn't anywhere near that kind of threshold. I guarantee you I would've quit on the spot if that had happened. Luckily, it's relatively unusual, as I understand it.

I guess Kenny sensed that I had tensed up or something, because he stopped again, and waited. I wasn't sure what to make of this new pain... but I needed to know if it was going to get any worse. I had read in my books that it could help when the receiving partner pushed backwards, taking the penetrating partner more inside, as opposed to the penetrator pushing. I did that, now - pushing out with my muscles (which didn't seem to help much more at this stage) and moving my butt back, impaling myself deeper. I remember having to gwt up my courage to do that. And then just doing it.

I think this was the make-or-break point for me. If that dull pain had grown greater, or if the sharp pain had come back full-strength, I might not have gone further. I don't know. I was a stubborn kid. But it didn't hurt any worse. My backwards push didn't make it worse.

Kenny obviously noticed my little backwards shove. He responded with a little forward shove of his own, and more of his cock went up my butt. It sent a momentary small jolt of the sharp pain up to my head... but then it faded into the background pain. Kenny could tell. He waited.

And now - finally - the background pain itself was leveling off to mere discomfort. After a minute, it wasn't even sharp - just tingling and weird shooting sensations in and around my anal ring, now. It wasn't so bad that I couldn't deal. I was adjusting. The books said that you got accustomed to having something in there after awhile. It was an abstract idea to me - till that afternoon.

"How far in, now?" I thought that by now he had to be near the hilt. "A couple of inches." A couple? Holy cow. But I was committed. "Try a little further." He did. The pain, both kinds, flared up. I tensed; he waited. We were finding out, trial and error, how to read each other's signals in this brave new enterprise. And the pain subsided again. Quicker this time. Just flares. Adjusting. My turn. I slowly impaled myself a little farther. More pain, more waiting, more easing up after a bit.

I don't know how many times we went back and forth, Kenny pushing and me impaling - maybe two more times after this, maybe three. But I didn't want to press things too far, and I knew all this was taking time... and I wanted to do it to him, too, before we left. I whispered, "How far in are you? More than halfway?" He whispered, "Yeah, a little more than half." Okay. That was a success in my book. :) I was a competitive, score-keeping kid, as I've said. And it's silly - but taking his dick more than halfway was a milestone. Whatever else happens, you'd earned the right to claim you did it.

I whispered, "I don't think I can take it any deeper." He whispered back, "That's okay... it feels awesome." He meant it, too. I could tell.

Kenny went on: "Can I move it in and out a little?" I didn't know. But let's find out. I whispered, "Okay... go slow." He shifted around back there, and his cock poked a spot that he hadn't poked before, and the big pain went off in my head for just a second... and then it dialed back again. Then he put his other hand (which I now assume he had been using to hold his penis up till now) on my other hipbone, holding me with both hands. And slowly, he slid out of me. Not all the way.

This was another new sensation. It hurt, like everything else hurt - and then the hurt died back. And something else came to take its place. It felt like there was a coldness deep inside, where his cock had been. I can't describe all these new feelings; there just aren't words for them, to me. And it's harder, because I've never been screwed in the butt since that one experience. The whole thing stands alone. Sui generis. Utterly unique. A flood of feelings, all of them new. One of the most awesome things I've ever done with another boy, and one of the most awful.

Kenny stopped with just the head inside for a second, then pushed in again. That was familiar. I felt the pain, gasped; he slowed and stopped. The pain faded. I impaled him. No worse - dull ache, but okay.

It was working. I was getting fucked. By my boyfriend.

Kenny fucked me for ten in-and-out strokes, exactly. He counted. :) It wasn't long enough that the pain vanished. But at the end, I was actually beginning to relax. I was just beginning to experiment a little with squeezing my anal ring around his cock. (It didn't feel any better or worse to me, but he said afterward that he could tell, he knew what I was doing, and it felt good.)

For the last few seconds, I was feeling the first signs of a glow, in there, like the first barely-illuminated clouds you can see in the morning sky, when dawn is still a long way off but you know it's coming. I don't know what I would've felt next, if we'd been able to keep going. I'll always wonder. Sort of like getting the jigsaw puzzle put together enough that you can just begin to see the picture, emerging out of the jumble, and then you have to clear the table.

Kenny went into me on that tenth stroke - and stopped. It didn't occur to me that he might be coming. I wasn't sure what he was doing - resting, maybe; or letting me rest. But that was the moment when Kenny reached orgasm. I had no clue. I didn't realize he had come until he finished.

Looking back, it fit Kenny's pattern. I knew Kenny's rhythms very well. He was the type who didn't like to keep moving during his orgasm. He rarely if ever made vocal noises when coming, and didn't now. He was breathing hard, but otherwise was just still. He was clutching my hipbones tightly, but that didn't register much. And I guess the sensation of his dick swelling and throbbing got lost amidst the general overwhelming sensation of being fucked.

I never felt his ejaculation in me. I had the idea that I'd be able to feel his sperm shooting into my rectum. I don't know why. I don't recall any of my books discussing that detail, either way. I guess I just assumed it - maybe because it was so obvious when a boy came in my mouth.

After holding still for some time (that would be 8-10 seconds, if this orgasm was anything like his others), Kenny sighed, and his clutch on my hips loosened. That gave me a clue. It dawned on me, abruptly, that he might be finished.

I felt conflicted. I wanted it to go on... and I was ready for it to end. That confused me. I didn't dwell on it, then.

I whispered, "Did you come?" He was still breathing hard. He said, "Yeah... it felt like a big one... couldn't you tell?" I said, "No... it never felt any different." And there was nothing more to say at the moment. It was all brand- new.

Kenny never went soft immediately, so he was still in me, rigid, during this time. Now, he began pulling back. He didn't waste any time here (Kenny was always a little friction-sensitive, after orgasm.) I felt him withdrawing - it wasn't even very uncomfortable, by this point - and then that funny change when his ridge slipped out... and then he was out.

And here was the final feeling, in a whole parade of brand-new feelings I'd encountered as part of being screwed. And once again, words fail me. I've already referred to this one. I called it a huge void... or vacuum... but it's more. It's a physical void, like being emptied out. But it's more than physical. It's like when someone leaves, and you know you'll never hear his laugh again. It's infinitely sad.

We didn't dwell on things, then. Kenny pulled out, and I felt... voided. And almost right away, he was on his knees, up near my face, smiling, with his arm over my shoulders: "Hey, how was it? Did you come from it? Did it hurt alot?" I said, weakly: "Yeah, it hurt alot... but it was cool." I was kind of wiped out. His concerned enthusiasm was contagious, but I wasn't recovered enough to grin at him. I guess he saw my state. His grin was replaced with a really worried look. He said, "Are you okay? Really?"

I just looked at him for a few seconds. You are so awesome. It overcame all the pain. I didn't forget the pain, not by a long shot; and later, when rational thinking reasserted itself, what I remembered uppermost was the pain, and the other downside stuff. But in that instant... You are so awesome.

Those few seconds had given me recovery time. My anus was still throbbing painfully, and it felt like it was still dilated. But I could nod my head to his question. "Yeah. I'm okay, really..."

We left it at that for a few minutes. I think both of us were zoned out. I know we were. And it didn't go away quickly. In some ways, I'm still not over it.