5th August
…………from down here amongst the pine cones we learn of a new directive to be introduced by JB HQ – ‘SelectaBall’ – seemingly directed at those who usually require the services of an experienced Aboriginal tracker in a 4 X 4 to locate said object of torture and dismay, this new option affords a (2nd) shot with any unclaimed ball.
“Boo”, “hiss”, we hear from the gilded gallery of 25+ pointers, but rest easy potential
Jacket wearers, the equilibrium will no doubt be restored, since said directive will not apply to the resultant (3rd) shot from the rough over the other side of the adjoining fairway!
…………more alarming though is the spectre of a certain JB blatantly flaunting accepted practice on touring attire. The wiry former resident of Bognor continues to frighten local children and stir unrest amongst tortilla wielding militia in foreign parts by insisting on wearing ‘Hot Pants’. Mulligan feels a censure is called for and suggests that said individual act as the tour-long guinea pig for the mooted Plus Fours experiment next time out. (NB – As encouragement El Tel will provide a short talk in the Bar on ‘Enduring Sweatiness in Unspeakable Crevices’. Drawn from his well-thumbed pamphlet ‘Thick Corduroys I Have Known’.)
…………turning to more positive news, we are formally advised that, after advice from the Immigration authorities (& threats from others), our resident ‘Secret Agent’ is to have his passport particulars surgically stapled to his left palm, for ease of display at checkpoints. Clearly this may have an adverse effect on the efficacy of swinging the ‘Toaster on a Stick’, but mercifully, it will avoid future embarrassment (to this writer), as well as cease the unnecessary removal of CDs or sundry personal items from glove compartments and/or damage to nearby motor vehicles.
…………don’t tell anyone we told you, but there’s a rumour that a new forfeit is to befall early retirees from the Lowlands (no not Essex!) and all ‘Old Gits’ in general. The anti-curfew will be applied w.e.f. this Autumn tour and will state that the contingent in question have to be the very last ones back to the hotel who, of course, must also manage to ignore ‘Homeless Mike’ asleep on the lobby sofa each evening.
………… giggles from the red tees as we overhear chatter of the taming of ‘Sex on Legs’. Yes, Steve the ‘Dancing Fool’ is to have a new handicap. He is now allowed only to Karaoke &/or dance (only ever with fellow JBs) to Rene & Renata ballads after 2 a.m. in a built-up area. That way, even he’ll want to get home before the Milkman, to the benefit and relief of those pretenders accompanying him and seeking to emulate his amazing feats (or is it feet?)
…………and finally, on a serious note. It is brought to our attention that with the JB ‘Lifestyle Concept’ having reached a certain level of maturity (Shum Mishtake, Ed.), it is about time the JBs established a charitable foundation (tax deductible of course). Dedicated to the support of those perennial off fairway dwellers, through the provision of shelter and provisions, it is an opportunity for successful JBs to give a helping hand to those less fortunate. So, please don’t forget those worse off than yourself and give generously…………………………………mine’s a grand biere and a sandwich jambon with frites!
(This column is sponsored by Spanglers – suppliers of comedy wigs to the Gentry.)
