The counselor, Jerry (still remember after 17 years), looked at me and yelled - "quit bullsh*tting me" - "I'm just like you and you can't bullsh*t a bullsh*tter". Then he went on to explain that the addiction and the denial was preventing me from moving from the "I thought" stage to the "I know" stage. He told me that the addiction was talking to me, causing me to question whether or not I had made a "decision". Imagine that, the addiction causing me to doubt myself, to not believe that I had I had made a comittment.
Could it be ? Deja vu ?
Damn, right. That's all it can be. I've been fighting the same damn thing, for way too long.
I got a "cyber ass-kicking" with love yesterday. It brought me around to thinking about this and writing this. I will fight the fight, I will stand up, I have made a decision.
If I start to falter, someone please remind me to read my own entries. This one in particular. It is the answer. It is my understanding.
Once again, I smoked my last cigarette on March 1, 2002 at 06:45. I now understand that the addiction itself will try to confuse me, will try to convince me that I'm not an addict and that I won't be hurt by smoking. It is all lies. It's not me talking, it is the addiction, it doesn't want to get thrown out in the street, it likes it's home in my voice filled mind. It has a good time confusing the other voices. I've had enough. Help me remember this entry. Thanks. PJ
P.J. -- I'm putting this on my website so that you can bookmark it on your computer and go to this pond to think. When you want to remember this moment of clarity, this moment of self-definition, come here. And remember it clearly and certainly and permanently. You are going to make it, if I have to pull you to that finish line! :) Keep going forward, PJ! Always!!! Love ya! Ruby
"We must be the change we are looking for." - Mahatma Gandi
