I never could play board games very well. I am not a good loser. I am what you call "a poor loser." I get angry. I get mad at you. I get jealous and throw things. I have been known to throw cards, game pieces, dice, you name it ... during a game if I am losing. Now, if I'm winning, I'm having a great time! I'm laughing and joking and just having the time of my life! I love to win.
So, I think this quitting smoking is kinda like that stupid game called "sorry" where you go back to "go" and start over again. I hate losing. I hate going back to go and starting all over again. I hate repeating my steps when I have clearly been there already. And I hate watching somebody else ahead of me, I don't like to watch somebody's back. I'm just like those horses you rent on a trail ride ... the one that has to be in the lead ... the one that shoves everybody else off the trail and rushes to the lead. I'm like that! hahahahaha
I'm a poor loser! I don't want to come in last. I don't want to miss the opportunity to grab a ribbon. I like being first. I like winning. I like being in the victory circle and grinning ear to ear. I like that!
So, don't stop. Don't give up. Sometimes you just have to start over and you take your little game piece back to the beginning and you roll those stupid dice again and start all over again. You can't quit this game tho. I think maybe the reason why I have been so very very protective with my quit is because I absolutely cannot stand to start over. So, I am marching my little game piece straight to the "home" square. I'm not going to lose this game. I am not going to start over either.
Once a friend was telling me about her struggle with cancer and she said that she has always been on top of things, in a good mood, handling it ever so well. And now, the operation is over, the treatments are over, and she is getting rather depressed. I said to her ... "Well, maybe you skipped some steps along the way, I don't know. Maybe you can't skip things. Maybe you have to take your little gamepiece back to go and start over so that you make sure you step on each and every one of those squares." I don't know. I don't know if we have to experience all of it, every single square, every single aspect, every single emotion, feeling, thought, issue. Do we have to feel it all? If so, I did. I felt all of it and I'm not going back!
That's why I take this so seriously and guard it so carefully. I do not want to go back there and feel those feelings again. I do not want to put all that armour on again and wage that war. I do not want to have to cry those tears again and face those issues. I think it's part of this game tho. And if you haven't stepped on those squares, you might go back. I don't know.
Good luck!!!
