JOHN'S CYCLING SITE |
How to keep
an idiot busy <- click go on
Darwin Awards
.....2005
How cool are you Take this test to find out:
http://www.sailinganarchy.com/gener...2/cool_test.htm
SONY
www.birdcheck.co.uk/whackthepenguin.htm
My highest score has been 588.3 - don't know if you can actually get to 600 POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ... Cops have nothing to go on. FOR SALE - French rifle. Never fired. Dropped once. Procrastinate Now. Rehab Is for Quitters. My Dog Can Lick Anyone. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That? Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
A lady walks into a bar carrying a duck. A drunk
says loudly "Hey, where'd you get the pig?"
The lady says, "Sir, I'll have you know this is a duck!" The drunk replied, "I was talking to the duck. PARIS (AP) - French Authorities arrested Lance Armstrong and disqualified him from this year's Tour de France on Friday after cleaning personnel discovered 3 substances in his motel room that are explicitly banned in France. Tour Officials are saddened by this turn of events and Lance Armstrong was not available for comment. When asked by reporters as to the identification of the substances, Police Crime Lab Investigators confirmed that the substances were in fact, toothpaste, deodorant and soap.
Yesterday ,scientists in Canada revealed that beer
contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100
men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense
and couldn't drive.'
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
The Moral of the Story... Alongside the stream, a bear was standing. The bear looked at the fly, and thought to itself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, that salmon would jump up to catch it, and I could jump out, snag that salmon, and I'd have myself something to eat." Across the stream, up a steep slope, a hunter was hidden in the brush. The hunter looked at the fly, and thought to himself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, that salmon would jump up to catch it, the bear would jump up to catch the salmon, and I could jump up, shoot the bear, and I'd have myself a new trophy." Hidden in the grass behind the hunter was a mouse. The mouse looked at the fly, and thought to itself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, the salmon would jump up to catch it, the bear would jump up to catch the salmon, the hunter would jump up to shoot the bear, the sandwich in the hunter's pocket would fall out, and I'd have myself something to eat." A bit higher up the slope, on a jutting rock, sat a pussy cat. The pussy cat looked down at the fly, and thought to itself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, the salmon would jump up to catch it, the bear would jump up to catch the salmon, the hunter would jump up to shoot the bear, the sandwich in the hunter's pocket would fall out, the mouse would hop over to get the sandwich, I could leap down on it, and I'd have myself something to eat." At that moment, the fly dropped down about a half an inch. The salmon leapt up and caught the fly, the bear leapt out and snagged the salmon, the hunter jumped up and shot the bear, the mouse hopped out and started to eat the hunter's sandwich, and the pussy cat leapt down to catch the mouse...but it missed. It rolled down the slope, and fell into the stream. Moral of the Story: A lot of things have to happen for a pussy to get wet Old Man and the Young Wife You see this young lad walks out of a store and sees an elderly man sitting on a bench crying. This young lad walks over to the man to check to see if he is O.k.! Young Lad: Sir, are you Okay? Old Man: Yes, it's my birthday today (and he is still crying) Young Lad: Wow, it's a special day for you. Old Man.: Yes it is. I'm 82 today (and still crying.) Young Lad: Even better, you look great for your age. Old Man: Thank you, and I just got married (and he is still crying.) Young Lad: Married!! Gee, that's great! 82 and married, wow! You've got a whole new life ahead of you. Old Man: I married a 25 year old. Young Lad: Holly Molly!! Even better. Old Man: We have sex every day! (he's till crying) Young Lad: I don't even have sex everyday, you lucky person you. Old Man: Yes, I am, and I've forgotten where I lived.
Little Johnny Little Johnny, on a day when
he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning.
Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began
stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees,
and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one
month!" One day, during a lesson on
proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word
"beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzy, who
responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked
beautiful in it." George W. Bush was visiting an
elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion
related to words and their meanings. Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!" Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None." replied Johnny,"'cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking." One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replys. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!" A nursery
school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a
sentence?"
HOMELESS: A bloke is in a queue at the super market when he notices that the
Ingredients:
Solid Bubbles
Bikini clad "ragdoll"
Physics engine in
Flash
Result:Something
mezmerising... like a lava lamp but interactive (you can grab limbs etc.)
It's incredible!! Q: What do you call an
eternity? Q: How do
you know if a pilot is at your party? A
woman walks into a supermarket and buys: Blondes’ RevengeWhat do you call a Blonde without an asshole? What is the next exhibit at Ripley’s “Believe It Or Not?” Why are most Blonde jokes only two lines long? What is a man’s view of safe sex? Why did God create man? How can you tell if a man is dead? Why do men have holes in their penises? Why do women get more hemorrhoids than men? Why are men like laxatives? Why do men like masturbation? Why do you guys like Blondes with big tits and tight pussies? Why can’t men get mad cows disease? What do Blondes do with their assholes in the morning? Who’s Smarter? Blonde or Lawyer?A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each
other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer leans over to
her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just
wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to
catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and
a lot of fun. Why Me? Why? Burned Out Reasons Why It's Great to Be a Girl
Reasons Why It's Great to Be a Guy
Heard your wife left you,
Daryl is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his
girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.
Daryl slams on the brakes and yells: "Shazza what the blazes d'ya think ya doing?" Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says: "G'day Daryl. You got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill meself". Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. "Shazza", he says "Fair dinkum, not only are ya a top root, but you're a real sport too" ..... and drives off..........
Signs Written in English Discovered Around the World
On a French passenger jet: Live West Under Your Seat. In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily. In a Yugoslav hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today: no ice cream. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. Two signs from a Mallorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American. At a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ***? At a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable foods, give it to the guard on duty. At the office of a Rome doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. At an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. At a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. Who Says That Cops Don't Have A Sense Of Humor? "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun." "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop." "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." "Just how big were those two beers?" "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail." "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
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