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One-liners
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A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. |
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According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. |
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A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord. |
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A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
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Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. |
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Air conditioned environment - Do not open Windows! |
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All computers wait at the same speed. |
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All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Willyoupleasehelpmefixmykeyboard?Thespacebarisbroken! |
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All you need to know is the user interface. |
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Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and
used. |
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Any program that runs right is obsolete. |
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A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
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A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray
and the blinking red light. |
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A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from? |
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A program is never finished until the programmer dies. |
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ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! |
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As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. |
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A user friendly computer first requires a friendly user. |
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A user will find any interface design intuitive...with enough practice.
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Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic |
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Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat [Y/N]? |
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Be aware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. |
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Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression |
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Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta
is Latin for "still doesn't work." |
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Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. |
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Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.
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Buy a Pentium 586/200 so you can reboot faster. |
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Cannot load Windows 95, Incorrect DOS Version. |
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COFFEE.EXE Missing---Insert Cup and Press Any Key. |
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Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source. |
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Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what
they want." |
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Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are
lying. |
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Computer programmers do it byte by byte. |
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Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit. |
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Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do
without them. |
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Computers are like air-conditioners: both stop working, if you open
windows. |
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Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. |
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Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. |
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Computers can never replace human stupidity. |
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Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow. |
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Computers follow your orders, not your intentions. |
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Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. |
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Crashing is the only thing windows does quickly. |
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Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean? |
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Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission
errors. |
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Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. |
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Don't compute and drive; the life you save may be your own. |
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Don't document the program; program the document. |
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Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. |
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Don't let the computer bugs bite! |
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DOS=HIGH? I knew it was on something! |
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DOS Tip: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS |
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Email returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. |
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Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... |
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Error:015: Unable to exit Windows. Try the door. |
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Error: Problem exists between keyboard and chair. |
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Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) |
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Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I... |
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Every bug you find is the last one. |
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Every time I type 'win', I loose ... |
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Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven. |
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Failure is not an option, it comes bundled with the software. |
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.....File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) |
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For any problem there is a solution that is simple, quick, and
ultimately worse than the problem. |
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Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. |
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Hi, my name is Any Key. Please don't hit me! |
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Hiroshima..45........Tjernobil..86........Windows..95.... |
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Hit any user to continue. |
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Home is where the computer is plugged in. |
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How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file...
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I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an
administrator. |
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If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0. |
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If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
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I finally made my stupid computer faster; I dropped it out of the
window, and it went really fast. |
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If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the
computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles to the
gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. |
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If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand
words, how dangerous is a fax? |
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If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be
resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button. |
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I have a dream: 1073741824 bytes free. |
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I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere. |
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I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control! |
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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. |
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In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would
take many men many months to equal it. |
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Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking. |
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It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
one. |
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It said "Insert disk 3..." but only 2 fit. |
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It's not a bug; it's an undocumented feature. |
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It works! Now if only I could remember what I did... |
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I wish life has a scroll back buffer. |
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Keyboard : Instrument used to enter errors into computer. |
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Keyboard not connected, press F1 to continue. |
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MACINTOSH stands for Most Applications Crash If Not The Operating System
Hangs. |
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Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed... |
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Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(ln(13e))]-[sin(xy)/2.362x] |
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Melted fruit snacks found on Keyboard. Delete nephew [Y/N]? |
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MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software is Only for
Fools and Teenagers. |
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Mommy! The cursor's winking at me! |
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My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. |
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Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!" |
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No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
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Of course I know how to copy disks. Where's the xerox machine? |
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One person's error is another person's data. |
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One picture is worth 128K words. |
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Operator! Trace this call and tell me where I am. |
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Owners of digital watches: Your day's are numbered! |
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Oxymoron: Microsoft Works. |
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Press any key...no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! |
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Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... |
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Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue.... |
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Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN. |
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Programmer's Time-Space Continuum: Programmers continuously space the
time. |
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RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure. |
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Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used
to compensate for that short table leg. |
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Scheduled Release Date: A carefully calculated date determined by
estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it. |
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Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte,
byte! |
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Shutting down networkservers reguarly during worktime prevents RSI and
develops social contacts at work. |
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Speed Kills! Use Windows. |
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System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing. |
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The box said: 'install on Windows 95, NT 4.0 or better'. So I installed
it on Linux. |
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The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. |
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The name is Baud......, James Baud. |
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The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.
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The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. |
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The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the
likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. |
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There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before
Saturday. |
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There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who understand
binary, and those who don't." |
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There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one
works. |
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There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a bad
program. |
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There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple. |
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These settings will have no effect until you restart the system.
Reset Universe (Y/N) ? |
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Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach,
HACK! |
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To be, or not to be, those are the parameters. |
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To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. |
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User error: replace user and press any key to continue. |
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Warning, keyboard not found. Press Enter to continue. |
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What boots up must come down. |
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Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk? |
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Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" |
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Why do they call this a word processor? It's simple, ... you've seen
what food processors do to food, right? |
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Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid
users? |
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Will the information superhighway have any rest stops? |
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Windows 3.1 not found: (C)heer, (P)arty, (D)ance? |
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Windows is NOT a virus. Viruses DO something. |
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WINDOWS stands for Will Install Needless Data On Whole System. |
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Windows: the ultimate triumph of marketing over technology. |
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You are making progress if each mistake is a new one. |
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You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the
computer. |
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You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that
version. |
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You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! |
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You never finish a program, you just stop working on it. |
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