To help with my case, I got copies of all my medical tests to present to the arbitrator. The blood tests showed no systemic disorders, and the EMG did not show that I had Tarsal Tunnel syndrome. The scans and MRI did prove a small tear in my meniscus tendon on my left leg (which I had suspected all along) and did confirm my osteoarthritis. They also showed that I have spinal stenosis, and degenerative disc disease.
My rheumatogolist came through in my defense and the report he wrote was beyond my wildest expectations. He stated that I had always minimized my pain and had avoided taking any kind of narcotic medication and that despite the fact that I managed to function independently at home, working was a whole other story and I was unable to resume my job and remained disabled. He also went on to write that Fibromyalgia was still a very misunderstood condition within the medical community and that perhaps it should be relabeled “Chronic Pain Disorder”.
In November, I met with the arbitrator and that too turned out so positively. The most important thing that she said to me was “Marilyn, you are an honest woman”. I broke down completely, because that was really what I had needed to hear for so many months. After so many months of trying to defend myself and being told I could work when I knew I couldn’t, it was such a relief to know that someone believed me. She came to the conclusion that my stopping my antidepressant in late 2006 may have caused the flare up and its non resolution. Since I had started again on a new antidepressant in the fall of 2007 she suggested that I stay on it. She also pointed out that because I had been inactive for so long, my body had become de-conditioned. She felt that even if she brought me into her pain management clinic and gave me massive doses of morphine, my pain would not go away. She said that physiotherapy would probably be of no use to me either and instead told me that I should get involved in something that I enjoyed. “Get out and dance”, she said, knowing that dancing used to be one of my favorite activities.
She told me that she would be recommending that I remain on sick leave until January 2008 at which time I should start a progressive return to work. I won!!!!!
I never did get back into dancing but I did return to work in January and have been working full time at 6 days a week ever since. It was not easy. The pain and fatigue were overwhelming, but I have managed. Now, almost a year later, I still have some bad days, but for the most part, I cope. I spoke with my psychiatrist in May about the fact that I just did not have the energy to work and “get out and dance” or do anything else for that matter and that all I did was go to work and come home, totally exhausted at the end of the day. She had suggested that I go on permanent disability full time so that I could start to enjoy life and engage in pleasurable activities. That was a shocker and something I never expected to hear. On the one hand, I was once again being believed and validated, but on the other hand, just the thought of stopping work permanently seemed unthinkable. She told me to think about it and assured me that she would support me in whatever decision I came to. I saw her again at the end of July and told her that I had decided that I would not stop working, but that I would change my attitude towards work. I will work as much as I can, but when I was having a bad day or the pain was too much to handle, I would take time off and not feel guilty.
Well, here we are in the month of December, almost a year since I returned to work and I have stood by my decision. For the most part, I work my six days a week, but when I am not feeling well, I allow myself to stay at home. So far, I have not heard any comments from either of my employers nor have I suffered any repercussions for the time that I have taken off. If I do have any negative feedback, I know I always have the option of going on disability. I am still taking 8 medications a day to be able to function, but am happy to report that there have even been some days where I have felt no pain whatsoever. I still don’t have any kind of life outside of work, but luckily, my work is my passion and so I have accepted that this is what I am going to do in life and not worry about the lack of outings or socializing.
It has been quite a ride, but thankfully, I have arrived at my destination a winner. I have learned a lot, and have changed my opinions drastically about many things. I have always been a fighter, especially when I believe strongly about something, and I found out that even in my weakest hour, I can take care of myself and I am a survivor. I guess you could say that this story couldn’t have had a better ending than the way things turned out. I am victorious!!!!!
