No, I would not sleep In this bed of lies So toss me out and turn in And there'll be no rest For these tired eyes I'm markin' it down to learnin' I am
I don't think that I could take Another empty moment I don't think that I could fake Another hollow smile Well, it's not enough just to be lonely I don't think that I could take Another talk about it
Just like me, you've get needs And they're only a whisper away And we softly surrender To these lives that we've tendered away
But I would not sleep In this bed of lies So toss me out and turn in And there'll be no rest For these tired eyes I'm markin' it down to learnin' I'm markin' it down to learnin' Cuz I can
Don't wanna be the one Who turns the whole thing over I don't wanna be somewhere Where I just don't belong Where it's not enough just to be sorry
Don't you know I feel the darkness closing in I tried to be more than me And I gave 'til it all went away And we've only surrendered To the worst part of these winters that we've made
But I would not sleep In this bed of lies So toss me out and turn in And there'll be no rest For these tired eyes I'm markin' it down to learnin' I'm markin' it down to learnin'
I am all that I'll ever be When you lay your hands over me And don't go weak on me, please I know that it's weak But God help me, I need this
I would not sleep In this bed of lies So toss me out and turn in And there'll be no rest For these tired eyes I'm markin' it down to learnin' I'm markin' it down to learnin' Cuz I can
-Bed of Lies, by Matchbox 20 (CD: Mad Season)
There's a lot of things I understand And there's a lot of things That I don't want to know But you're the only face I recognize It's so damn sweet of you To look me in the eyes
It's all right, I'm okay I think God can explain I believe I'm the same I get carried away
It's all right, I'm okay I think God can explain I'm relieved, I'm relaxed I'll get over it yet
The scent of vaseline In the summertime The feel of an ice cube Melting over time, well The world seems bigger than both of us Yet it seems so small when I begin to cry
It's all right, I'm okay I think God can explain I believe I'm the same I get carried away
It's all right, I'm okay I think God can explain I'm relieved, I'm relaxed I'll get over it yet
I'm so much better than you guessed I'm so much bigger than you guessed I'm so much brighter than you guessed, Yeah
It's all right, I'm okay I think God can explain I believe I'm the same I get carried away
It's all right, I'm okay I think God can explain I'm relieved, I'm relaxed I'll get off of your back
I think God can explain I think God can explain I think God can explain, Yeah
-I Think God Can Explain, by Splender (CD: Halfway Down The Sky)
Nick took a deep breath as he held Ren's hands from across the restaurant table. They'd had a wonderful evening, but Nick knew that he was going to ruin it by telling her something that he'd been keeping to himself for two months. He knew she was getting closer and closer to finding out the truth, and he couldn't let her figure it out that way. He had to tell her.
"Ren... I need to talk with you about something that's really important."
"What is it, Nicky?" Ren's eyes shone with worry. "Is everything okay??"
"No," he pulled one of his hands free and ran it through his hair. "No, nothing's okay. Ren, I don't know how to tell you this..."
"Tell me what, Nick?" her tone turned more direct. Somehow she knew what he was going to say before the words had even escaped his lips. Something told her. Deep down inside, she knew.
"Ren, when you went to your mom's house for that month, when your dad died-"
"You met someone."
"What?" he looked up from their hands.
"You met someone. Am I right?"
"Well, I... I..." he opened his mouth to finish the sentence but no more words would form. He tried again, with no luck.
"It's okay, Nick. Everyone cheats on their wife, their husband, their girlfriend, their boyfriend sometime in their life, right?"
Nick didn't get it. She looked so calm, yet so hurt... she sounded so hurt. So why wasn't she screaming at him? He knew her previous comment had been her trying to convince herself, more than him, that it was okay that he'd cheated on her.
"Check, please," Ren called as the waitress walked by.
Nick looked at his wife uneasily, "Ren, do you want to talk about this??"
"Yeah. Was she any good?"
"What?? I-"
She held her hands up to silence him, "Nevermind. I don't want to know."
~ * ~ A month later ~ * ~
Ren tried to pay attention to the movie that they were watching, but found it impossible. Whoever, out of all of their friends that were over, had picked out the movie - which was about having an affair - was pretty stupid. But Ren knew she couldn't blame it on anyone... her and Nick hadn't told anybody about him cheating on her.
Without words, she stood up from her spot on the couch next to Nick and walked up to their bedroom slowly. Staring at their bed, from the doorway, she could feel her heart breaking. She hadn't been able to sleep in their bed since she'd found out about the affair. Ren had asked - and she'd received an answer... the other woman had been in their bed. In her and Nick's bed. A bed that only the two of them should have ever shared. And yet, things didn't turn out that way.
"Ren?"
"Yeah," Ren turned around, a fake smile gracing her face immediately. She'd come to realize, through this whole ordeal, that she was one hell of an actress.
Amanda, AJ's wife, smiled at her gently. "What's wrong, sweetie? Why'd you leave?"
"I just thought that movie was kinda' sad. And I wasn't in the mood to see something like that. Who picked that piece of sh*t out, anyway?" she laughed lightly, her eyes adverting to the floor.
Amanda laughed, "I dunno, I think it was Kevin. Anyways... the movie's over now. You wanna come downstairs again?"
"No... No, I think I'll stay up here for a bit. I'm a little tired."
"Okay. Are you sure you're all right??" she asked, looking suspicious.
"Yeah. I'm fine!"
"Okay. Well, I'll be downstairs then." Amanda headed down the staircase.
Ren took a deep breath and stepped into their bedroom, closing the door behind her. She walked over to the chair that was in the corner of the room and sat down in it, pulling her legs up. Curling into a ball, she stared at the bed for an hour, before falling into a restless sleep.
~ * ~ 2 hours later ~ * ~
Nick crept slowly up the stairs, wondering where Ren had gone. All their friends had finally left and all he wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep. That was something that he rarely did. Sleep. Ren wouldn't step foot into their bedroom anymore, and it was hard to find sleep without her by his side. He'd made a mistake and he was paying for it... but he knew the consequences were hitting her ten times harder, and that killed him.
Stepping into his bedroom he was surprised to find Ren curled up in the corner chair. He knew that the movie had been hard on her and that's why she'd left the room. Walking over to her, he knelt down in front of the chair and shook her shoulder lightly. "Ren," he whispered.
Ren's eyes fluttered open slowly.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Nick asked in a gentle tone, once she was fully awake.
She stood up and paused before speaking, "No, Nick. No, I don't want to talk about it. I'm sick of talking about it. I'm sick of feeling the need to ask questions that have answers that kill me. I don't want to know anymore! I don't want to know anymore detail!" tears streamed down her face as her voice rose with emotion. "I don't want to talk about it!!!"
Nick gulped as he witnessed her reach her breaking point. He tried to put his arms around her, but she pushed him away.
"I can't do this anymore! I can't not sleep in my own bed anymore! I can't keep thinking of the fact that she was in there with you!" she paused to gasp for a breath. "I can't keep having these haunting images of you... of you... with her!"
She covered her face with her hands, straining to regain control of herself. Silence engulfed the room for a few minutes.
"Ren..." Nick whispered.
"Everytime..." she murmured, before taking a breath. "Everytime we make love I wonder if you're thinking of her. Are you touching her? Are you kissing her? Are you making love to her? I can't do this anymore. I can't live in this situation. I thought I'd get over it. I thought I'd learn to... look past it. I thought... my love for you... was quite possibly enough to keep our relationship together. But it's not. And I think it's over."
He gulped back his tears, "Ren, no."
"Yes. It's over. It has to be. I can't get over this. I can't just look past it."
"I love you."
"I love you too," Ren whispered. "But I think we saw this coming long before it did."
Nick nodded, looking away as tears fell from his eyes, "I didn't want to accept that."
She began to cry again, her voice quivering, "I didn't either," she kissed his cheek and wiped away his tears, before leaving the room.
...Over the lies, you'll be strong You'll be rich in love, and you will carry on But no - Oh no No, you won't be mine...
-You Won't Be Mine, by Matchbox 20 (CD: Mad Season)
THE END
