You know how us Catholic girls can be We make up for so much time a little too late I never forgot it, confusing as it was No fun with no guilt feelings The sinners, the saviors, the loverless priests I'll see you next Sunday
We all had our reasons to be there We all had a thing or two to learn We all needed something to cling to So we did
I sang Alleluia in the choir I... Alleluia, luia, luia I confessed my darkest deeds to an envious man My brothers, they never went blind for what they did But I may as well have In the name of the Father, the Skeptic, and the Son I had one more stupid question
We all had our reasons to be there We all had a thing or two to learn We all needed something to cling to So we did
What I learned I rejected, but I believe again I will suffer the consequence of this inquisition If I jump in this fountain, will I be forgiven
We all had our reasons to be there We all had a thing or two to learn We all needed something to cling to So we did
We all had delusions in our heads We all had our minds made up for us We had to believe in something So we did
We all had our reasons to be there We all had a thing... to learn We all needed something to cling to So we did
So we did... Oohh oh yah yah So we did
-Forgiven, by Alanis Morissette (CD: Jagged Little Pill)
Maddy had gone to a Catholic school all her life. She'd been one of those "perfect little godly girls" that every girl in a public school would look down upon ((AN: which is stupid... hehe, sorry just had to say that, lol)). But the one time that Maddy had wanted to prove to everybody that she wasn't just this perfect little church-goer... but that she was a normal teenager... she got herself into trouble. Her and her friends from school had decided to sneak out and go to a party with some of the guys, who were housed on the other side of the school grounds.
She might have been drunk... but she knew what was happening... Bobby had raped her. She didn't just get drunk and go off and screw him. She knew he was forcing himself on her... she told him to stop... she tried to break free... but he was too strong. And she was punished for it.
Maddy was kicked out of the school - Bobby was punished for sleeping with a girl... not for raping a girl. Nobody believed her. After years of her parent's snide remarks about her being kicked out of the best school in the area, because of being a whore, Maddy eventually began to believe it. After all, if she'd been sober enough to know what was happening, wasn't she sober enough to go along with Bobby's acts? Maybe she wasn't remembering things correctly... maybe Bobby had initiated things - heck, maybe she'd even initiated things - and she'd just gone along with it all. Maybe she wanted to have sex with him... like everybody told her. That's what she finally began to believe. And that's when she met Nick.
Nick made her see things in the light that she'd seen them in before. Nick made her realize that she WAS raped - that she didn't want what had happened to her. That she wasn't "evil," that she wasn't intentionally impure, after all. But when he changed, he began to shove the incident, that'd happened with Bobby, back in her face.
Suddenly she was a "slut" again, a "whore," she was "impure," "unclean," "not good enough." Suddenly she'd changed from Maddy, the victim... to Maddy, the criminal.
~ * ~
As Maddy lay in bed, that night, crying silently to herself, it finally clicked in her head. Who was Nick to decide if she was to blame or not? Nick wasn't there... Nick didn't even know her then. She WAS there, and she DID know herself. She didn't want Bobby! She'd told him "no"... did "no" mean that if he didn't stop, it was automatically rape?? That's what everybody always said... but once it'd happened to her, that rule seemed to fly out the window.
She'd been raped.
It wasn't her fault.
She WAS the victim.
Maddy shot up in bed and shook Nick awake, watching as he groggily rubbed his eyes.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Nick muttered angrily, wishing to go back to sleep.
"I was raped."
"What?! I know that! Why are you waking me up to tell me that. See a counselor about it, not me."
"Nick!" tears filled Maddy's eyes. "You just admitted it! You just said that I was raped! I didn't have sex, Nick! I was RAPED!"
Nick glared at her, not knowing what to say, "Would you shut up and go to bed already?" he finally spat.
"NO!" Maddy stood up and looked down at him, courage building up in her body. "Nick, I was raped!! Don't you see that?! It wasn't my fault!! You're not better than me! I'm not some plague! I'm a human being, and you need to treat me like one!! It wasn't my fault," she finally whimpered, collapsing to the ground in tears. "It wasn't my fault... I promise. It wasn't my fault..."
Nick gulped as he stared down at her shaking figure on the floor.
"I was raped," she kept repeating in a whisper. "I was raped."
He slowly slid from the bed and onto the ground next to her, pulling her into his arms, hesitantly. He hadn't held her lovingly for a very long time. "I know, Mad," he whispered hoarsely, tears running down his face. "I know..."
