Sunday is gloomy My hours are slumberless Dearest the shadows I live with are numberless Little white flowers will never awaken you Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you Angels have no thought of ever returning you Would they be angry if I thought of joining you Gloomy Sunday Sunday is gloomy with shadows I spend it all My heart and I have decided to end it all Soon there'll be flowers and prayers that are sad I know Let them not weep Let them know that I'm glad to go Death is no dream For in death I'm caressing you With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you Gloomy Sunday Dreaming I was only dreaming I wake and I find you asleep in the deep of my heart Dear Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you My heart is telling you how much I wanted you Gloomy Sunday
-Gloomy Sunday, by Sarah McLachlan (CD: B-Sides, Rarities, and Other Stuff)
Nick entered a state of depression a month after Mel, his wife who had died, visited him. His depression was so deep he could hardly even get out of bed in the morning. I guess you could say that Nick had always been prone to small cases of depression, but when your wife dies it's inevitable that you would be depressed. Nick was.
"Nick, please pick up the phone," Brian, Nick's best friend, begged to Nick's answering machine. "C'mmon, man. Leigh and I, and the rest of the guys, are all really worried about you. I haven't seen you in a real long time, man... I just want to make sure you're doin' okay... Please pick up!"
Nick sighed as he sat in his living room, listening to his friend talk to him through his machine. In one swift motion Nick reached over and grabbed the phone from its cradle, bringing it up to his ear, but not saying anything.
"Nick?? Is that you? Did you pick up?"
"Hey, Bri..."
Brian sighed. Nick had never sounded this bad before. His voice was so soft... so dead. "Hey, man... How you holdin' up? You've got us all sick with worry."
Nick laid his head back against the couch, "I'm sorry... I'm all right."
"Do you want Leigh and me to come over? Y'know, so you're not... alone."
Familiar tears filled Nick's eyes and they felt hot against his clammy face as they fell down his cheeks. His body shook with emotion as he realized how alone he really was. He had been sick lately... vomitting at least three times a day, but since he hadn't been eating he mostly dry heaved. He wanted to die. "No, man... I'm fine, it's okay."
Brian sighed, "All right. Well, do you want to come over for dinner tomorrow night? It'd be good to see you again."
"Sure..."
"Good... Well, I guess I'll let you get some sleep now."
Nick felt like laughing--though he hadn't done that in a while either--at the absurdity of Brian's comment. Sleep. Sleep?? Nick didn't sleep. "Yeah, all right. See you tomorrow."
"Okay. G'night, Nick."
"G'bye. Love ya."
Brian closed his eyes briefly. Why did he sound so final? "Love you too, man." He reluctantly hung up the phone.
Nick sighed and slipped the phone back onto its cradle. Standing up slowly, he headed into the kitchen on weak legs. Opening the junk drawer--the one that Mel had always kept so tidy, but now... well, looked like an ordinary junk drawer--he pulled out a razor blade and held it gently between his fingers.
~ * ~
Nick sat up in bed, panting heavily, a thick coat of sticky, smelly sweat clinging to his body. He couldn't believe what he'd just dreamed. He'd killed himself, in hopes of going to Heaven and being reunited with Mel, his deceased wife. But he hadn't gone to Heaven... he'd gone to Hell, being separated from her for all eternity. His body and heart ached as he gasped for air. Finally calming down a bit, he laid back down, his arms falling to his sides. He yelped when his arm hit something on the other side of the bed.
"Gosh, Nick," Mel groaned, sitting up. "Watch where you're putting your limbs, okay?" She opened her groggy eyes and looked up at her wide-eyed husband. "What?? Why are you looking at me like that?"
Nick just continued to stare, his eyes beginning to burn from the air against them. His mouth hung open slightly and his body felt cold all over.
"Nick?? What's wrong?" Mel raised her hand to Nick's forehead, feeling for a temperature. "You sick?"
"Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-" Nick wouldn't have been able to spit the words out of his mouth if his life depended on it.
"What?? Nick, what is wrong with you?" she noted the fact that his breathing had grown erratic, and she could practically hear his heart beating inside his chest, though it sounded like it was outside of it. "Baby??"
"You're alive."
"Um," she laughed nervously. He was acting very... weird, to say the least. "Yeah, I think so. I mean, if this was Heaven... well, I'd be really disappointed."
"I can't believe this," Nick suddenly grew frustrated, "I've been having a month-long dream!! I've been going through Hell--literally--thinking you died in a car accident, and you're alive!! I just spent a night in the most mind-boggling, stressful dream that has ever existed! Nightmare, more like. I feel exhausted! I feel like I should sleep for a year to make up for the exhaustion my body has gone through... I'm emotionally drained! I can't believe this-!"
"Nick!!" Mel suddenly screamed, grabbing his flailing arms in her hands. "Calm down! Cool it, okay??"
Nick's breathing slowly began to go back to normal, "I can't believe you're alive," tears suddenly grew in his eyes.
"You wanna tell me what happened, baby?" she asked quietly, wrapping her arms around him securely.
Nick could have died a happy man, right there in her arms... but he really didn't want to think about dying at the moment. Nonetheless, he nodded against her shoulder and told her, "You died in a car accident... I was so depressed, I killed myself, thinking that I would go to Heaven and I'd be able to be with you again... but I didn't go to Heaven. I went to Hell, and I was separated from you for all eternity."
Mel pulled away slowly and kissed his forehead, "All right. It's okay though, see? Cuz I'm here... I ain't goin' nowhere," she smiled up at him. "Neither of us are in Heaven or Hell."
"Okay," Nick sighed.
"C'mmon, honey... let's get to bed, okay?"
"Are you sure we're not dead?" he looked up at her innocently, his eyes still wider than normal.
Mel grinned at him, "Promise, Nicky."
Nick nodded and laid down next to her, pulling her into his arms. Things were silent for a few minutes, and Mel sighed tiredly when Nick nudged her ear with his nose.
"You're SURE we're alive??"
"Nick!!"
He laughed, "Okay, okay, I'm sorry."
She smiled up at him, before leaning up and kissing him, "We're alive. And I love you."
"And I love you too. And we're alive."
Mel rolled her eyes, before falling asleep, Nick soon following.
