Part 2: I'm OK
Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same And I still remember how you kept me so afraid Strength is my mother for all the love she gave And every morning that I wake I look back at yesterday And I'm OK
I often wonder why I carry all this guilt When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door Echoes of a broken child screaming please no more Daddy don't you understand the damage you have done For you it's just a memory but for me it still lives on
Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same And I still remember how you kept me so, so afraid Strength is my mother for all the love she gave And every morning that I wake I look back at yesterday
It's not so easy to forget, all the marks you left along her neck When I was thrown against cold stairs And every day afraid to come home in fear of what I might see next
Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same And I still remember how you kept me so afraid Strength is my mother for all the love you gave Every morning that I wake I look back at yesterday And I'm OK, I'm OK
-I'm OK; Christina Aguilera
[Written by Christina Aguilera and Linda Perry]
(CD: Stripped)
She was seventeen and more dangerous than most girls her age. As Journey had assured Nick, and much to his surprise, her father had stopped drinking and their household became much more pleasant because of it.
But the damage had been done.
The emotional damage Journey's father had inflicted on her remained. Her father had never once talked with her about the abuse... had never once apologized... had never once asked for her forgiveness, or told her that he loved her and it was wrong of him to have laid a violent finger on her and her mother. To him, it was as though it had never happened. But for Journey, the pain was too strong to shrug off, though she tried.
On the outside, Journey Payne was beautiful, confident, and seductive. On the inside, she was dying. And, once again, there was only one who knew her secret.
There was nothing Nick could do but be a shoulder for her to cry on when the floodgates would break through every once in a while. It broke his heart when she told him she lost her virginity on Homecoming night to the biggest jerk in the school... what broke his heart was the fact that she hadn't been drunk.
Journey didn't need alcohol in her system to be persuaded easily. All a guy had to do to get in bed with her was tell her he loved her. She was searching for love. She was searching for a love she'd never found from her father. And her search had gotten her into trouble on more than one account.
First, she'd almost been raped by a guy who'd read her flirtatious signals and taken them as an invitation. Then she'd lost her virginity on Homecoming night and woken up in an empty hotel room bed. And since then, she'd managed to get tangled up in relationships with all the wrong guys. And each time, she found herself in Nick's arms, crying on his shoulder.
There was nothing Nick could do but comfort her.
"Miss Payne, would you like to try concentrating on the lesson up here, instead of Brad's eyes?"
Journey barely even blushed. She'd been caught seducing the captain of the football team from across the classroom... but it was no longer embarrassing, as it was a daily occurrence.
"Sorry, Mr. Jones." Her voice was husky and she gave him her best smile of seduction. He was thirty and married, but that didn't really matter. She had a B in the class and that's all she cared about.
Mr. Jones stared at her mouth for a few seconds too long, before shaking his head as if to clear the cobwebs from his mind. He continued on with the lesson and was smart enough not to scold her again.
In the seat next to Journey, Nick rolled his eyes before turning and giving her a look of disapproval. She merely gave her best friend a reassuring grin, reaching out to ruffle his hair. Nick didn't know how much more he could take of his best friend's dangerous and ridiculous behavior. She was playing with fire and if she didn't get her act under control, she'd end up in serious trouble.
Journey sighed as she looked away from Nick's inquiring gaze. They were leaning against a tree in their favorite park, where they went every day after school to talk and just be together. But now she wished she could get up and run away, in order to avoid his probing questions.
"Well??"
Journey hesitated for a second more as tears dripped slowly from her eyes. "Yes."
"Oh, Journ, why?" Nick groaned and looked away, trying desperately not to be angry with her. She's hurting and I'm the only one who loves her, he had to keep reminding himself. Don't make her feel like you've turned away from her, too.
"Because, Nick... I really thought he loved me this time."
"He doesn't love you," Nick snapped, his voice harsher than he'd intended it to be. "He'll never love you, don't you see that?"
She looked away from him, her bottom lip trembling. She knew he was right, but that only made his words harder to swallow. The truth was painful.
"I know, Nick. I know."
"Then don't sleep with him again, okay, Journey? He'll only keep hurting you."
Journey nodded and leaned over him to look in his eyes. She ran her fingers over his brow in an attempt to smooth out the creases across his face. "Don't be mad, Nicky. I'm sorry. I won't sleep with him again. I promise."
Nick relaxed and leaned forward to place a gentle kiss on top of her head. He just hoped that for once she'd be able to keep such a promise.
