Kindlin walked onto her back porch, two glasses of raspberry iced tea in her hands. She handed AJ his and began to sip her own as she leaned against the railing with him. Nick and the kids were spending the day at the zoo and Kindlin had insisted it was perfectly fine for them to leave her behind, saying that she wanted Nick to enjoy some alone time with the kids. He had sighed and reluctantly left without her. Fifteen minutes later, AJ had showed up.
"So how are you, Kin?" AJ asked sincerely as he tore his eyes from the wonderful view of the ocean and looked down at Kindlin with his always friendly gaze. "You and Nick seem to be distancing yourselves from the rest of us again."
Kindlin looked back and smiled, but he saw through her facade right down to the deep pain still buried deep within her big brown eyes. "Well, Nick and I just have our own sh*t goin' on," she laughed.
AJ chuckled at her choice of words.
"No, but really ... I'm good," she said, trying to sound honest, but it wasn't working very well. She giggled quietly as AJ gave her a 'quit lying' stare. "No, really, Aje... I'm okay."
"There's a big difference between 'good' and 'okay.' You know that, right Kin?" he grinned playfully, before growing serious. "Really, though. There is. You see 'good' means that you're actually not crying yourself to sleep at night, or stressed out, or feeling overwhelmed ..." AJ's voice grew quiet and even more genuine than before, making Kindlin realize that he knew what he was talking about ... he had been there before. "... and there's never moments where you can't breathe and the walls feel like they're closing in around you. That's feeling good. 'Okay' is sort of the middle. You see 'bad' is what I described 'good' as not being. 'Okay' is having those moments, but still having the knowledge that you'll get through it, because you have people that love you and care for you ... family, friends ..."
Kindlin leaned farther against the rail, trying to escape AJ's intense gaze, though she knew it was impossible. How did he know all the things he was saying? How did he know that she was going through those things? With a whisper, she glanced back at him in answer, "I'm okay, Aje."
AJ nodded, having assumed that was the case. Wordlessly, he wrapped one arm around her shoulder and they stood quietly, watching the water lapping the bay, and the sun glistening against it. "Let's go for a walk," he finally said and didn't wait for her to respond. He'd already placed his glass of iced tea on the porch table and begun to head down to the shore. Kindlin was forced to follow.
~ * ~
"I've just been having these dreams..." Kindlin explained as they walked along the shore, shuffling their feet through the sand as they went. They'd discarded their shoes much earlier. The sand felt too good to not experience it slipping through their toes. "I don't know. I don't really wanna go into it in detail right now."
"Can you tell me the gist of it?" AJ asked, hopeful. "Maybe I can help out."
"The gist of it ... Hmmm ... the gist. Well ... the gist of it is that ... in the dream ... I'm being told that I'm pregnant," she said it matter-of-factly, but AJ knew that she held a small amount of cynical feelings towards the idea.
AJ didn't miss a beat, "Well, maybe you are pregnant."
"But how can that be?" Kindlin was near tears and she kicked at a pebble on the sand in frustration. "Nick had a vasectomy; I-"
"Kindlin, vasectomies do go wrong ... it's rare, but something can't be rare unless it's happened."
She stopped walking and looked at her friend closely. She could see the concern in his eyes, and as much as she was hoping that AJ would have told her that she couldn't possibly be pregnant, she was finding that she was grateful for his honesty nonetheless. "AJ... what am I supposed to do if I'm pregnant?"
AJ sighed and wrapped her in his arms tightly. With one final squeeze he let go and looked down at her, his hands resting comfortably on her shoulders. "Who's to say that would be such a bad thing if you were, Kin?"
"Nick is, Aje! You know how adamant he is about the subject. He doesn't want more kids -- he has repeated that to me countless times. That's why he got the vasectomy in the first place. When Andraya died..." she paused with raw emotion burning her throat, "Nick took it harder than he lets on, J. Nick's a strong person -- we all know that -- and that's why when he cries when we're alone at night I know how much this killed him. The death of our daughter killed a part of him, that I don't know will ever be back, and I don't know if another child will bring it back."
AJ looked to her compassionately as they continued to walk along the shore again, "Why does it have to be like that though? Why does it have to be expected of another child to bring back the part of Nick that died? Why does that part even have to come back, Kin? I think there was a part of all of us that died the night Andraya did. Don't you think so?"
Kindlin stopped again and looked out at the water, feeling AJ's arms wrap around her shoulders from behind her. She stopped fighting her emotions and let her face crumble with her fast approaching tears. Sobs rocked her fragile form as AJ swayed with her back and forth. She cried for the part of her that had died, for the death inside of her husband, and all of her children ... but most of all, she cried for her deceased daughter.
"Yes," Kindlin whispered, turning and burying her face in AJ's shirt. "Yes ... in all of us."
AJ nodded against her and leaned down to whisper in her ear, "I think those parts of us need to stay with Andraya."
~ * ~
Kindlin watched as Nick fell on their bed tiredly. They'd just finished giving the kids baths and tucking them into bed. All four of their children had instantly fallen asleep. It looked liked Nick had worn them out just as much as they had him.
"Tired?" Kindlin smiled down at him, cockily. "Don't you ever tell me staying home all day with them isn't tiring again."
Nick rolled over on his side and groaned, looking up at her, "I'm never taking them to the zoo without you ever again in my entire life."
Kindlin laughed, "Oh, poor baby." She ran her fingers through his damp hair, from having just taken a shower himself, as he rested his head in her lap. She felt his fingers subconsciously slide up the back of her shirt and begin tracing senseless designs on the warm skin of her back. His eyes were closed and his breathing was slow, but she knew he wasn't asleep due to the movement of his fingers. "Nicky?"
"Yeah," Nick mumbled, nuzzling his head against her more.
Nick was an incredibly cuddly person, and Kindlin loved it, but she wanted to talk to him and she was afraid he was going to fall asleep. "Nick ... don't fall asleep. Can we talk?"
Nick sighed and sat up, opening his eyes. He knew if he stayed in the warmth of her arms that he would surely fall into dreamland quickly. "What's up?" He perched himself on his elbow, his other hand resting comfortably against her hip.
Kindlin moved so that she was sitting with her feet tucked underneath her and took his hand in her own, kissing his palm gently. "I talked to AJ today. He came over."
"Yeah? He told me his was thinking about stopping by," Nick replied nonchalantly, thinking nothing of it.
Kindlin nodded, "Yeah, well ... anyway. I told J about the dreams. Well, I didn't go into detail ... I just ... told him about the pregnant part." Her stomach knotted a million and one times as Nick's eyes clouded over at the mention of her dreams. She gulped, trying desperately not to cry. Why wasn't he supporting her in this? She was scared enough as it was. She continued hesitantly, "He told me that it was possible I was pregnant. Look, Nick, I don't want you to freak out about this because I don't know what these dreams are about -- they may not be trying to tell me anything at all -- I just wanted you to know what I've been thinking. You know? I want us to be honest with each other. And maybe we could talk about it..." She faded off as she realized it was possible that Nick had tuned her out completely. He looked awfully dazed. "Nicky ..." she waved her hand in front of his face. "Say something."
Nick sat up and dug his fingers deep into his hair, his eyes closed, "You're not f*cking pregnant," his tone was even and held it's own harshness that instantly brought tears to Kindlin's eyes. He looked over at her and sighed. "Kin, I ... I ..." He gave up on words and buried his face deep in her lap again.
Kindlin closed her eyes as she felt his shoulders beginning to shake. Why wouldn't he tell her what he was feeling? She wrapped her arms around his shoulders in a tight hug, "Nicky, honey ... you're scaring me. What's going on? Why won't you talk to me about this?"
Nick sat up again and looked down at her, his hands on her shoulders, "I can't talk about this, okay?" Tears were streaming down his ashen face and Kindlin almost wished she hadn't told him about what AJ had said. "You can't be pregnant."
"Nick, sometimes things go wrong and--"
"I know that vasectomies don't always work, okay??" he cut her off.
Kindlin was fully crying by now and she felt relieved when Nick wrapped his arms around her protectively and began rocking her back and forth ... but the words that fell from his lips moments later practically took the breath from her lungs.
"You're not pregnant, okay? It's all right. It's gonna be okay. Don't worry about it, baby, it's just a dream."
Kindlin began to cry harder. He didn't understand at all. He thought that she was upset at the thought of pregnant. She was only upset because he was so insistent that she couldn't possibly be pregnant. Because he didn't want another child so incredibly much, and she knew deep down that it was possible they were going to have one. She wanted to tell him this, but she was afraid. She merely nodded against him instead, "Okay, Nicky."
