Every night I pray Every step I take Every move I make Every single day Every night I pray Every step I take Every move I make Every single day...
-I'll Be Missing You, by Puff Daddy
~ * ~
Nick glanced at his watch as he drove down the roadway quickly. He was supposed to be meeting Kindlin at a restaurant in 10 minutes and he would be late. Turning left onto James Street he groaned seeing the traffic. As he sat with the other cars, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel impatiently and cursing himself for having forgotten his cell phone, the lyrics that had been coming into his mind for the past 2 weeks suddenly began to come to him again. Nick's eyes widened as he quickly grabbed a napkin from the glove box and pulled a pen from the sun visor. He was so busy jotting down all that was coming to him that he didn't even notice what he was writing until he'd finished.
With arms wide open Under the sunlight Welcome to this place I'll show you everything
Nick gasped as he reread the lyrics more than a couple times. All along he'd thought that they were coming from his own mind, but these were lyrics from a Creed song and Nick knew exactly what that song was about ... a baby coming.
"No," Nick whispered, tears immediately filling his eyes, "she can't be pregnant. She can't!"
The honking coming from the cars behind him broke his train of thought as he looked up to see that the cars ahead had moved. Stepping on the gas, Nick drove down the road, pulling into the restaurant parking lot moments later. Stepping from the car he quickly shoved the napkin deep in his pocket and headed for the restaurant entrance. He wouldn't bring this up to Kindlin ... he wouldn't put ideas in her head.
"Nick," Kindlin said placing her fork back down on her plate. Nick had been completely distant all evening and just now he'd zoned out entirely, his eyes clouded.
"Yeah..." Nick answered, sounding distracted, his mind back on the lyrics that were in his pocket.
"What is up with you??" she looked and sounded concerned as she reached across the table and covered his hand with hers. "You've been somewhere else all night."
"Nothing."
"Nick ... please."
He sighed and reached into his pocket, pulling the napkin out and tossing it to her. He watched as she read the lyrics, a confused look on her face. Finally she looked back up at him when she was finished.
"Umm ... why do you have Creed lyrics written down on a napkin?"
"Good question."
"Nick," Kindlin's eyes squinted at him in the dim-lit restaurant, "you drunk, baby?"
He knew she was kidding, but he answered anyhow, "No ... no, I'm not. I don't know why I wrote them down. They're the lyrics that I was telling you about that kept coming to my mind but when I'd go to write them down they'd be gone and I couldn't remember them for the life of me."
Her eyes quickly widened and Nick suddenly wished that he hadn't told her, like he'd planned, "Nick, do you know what this song is about??"
"Yes," he sighed, "I know what it's about." He saw her about to talk again, and knowing what she would say, he stopped her, "Kindlin, don't, okay? Just don't."
"Nick, don't you see what's happening? I mean ... my dream, and these lyrics ... don't you see it??"
"Not here, Kin, not here!" Nick stated firmly, his eyes blazing. He would not have this conversation yet again. He just wouldn't.
Kindlin sighed and stuck the napkin into her purse, her hands going back to rest on the tablecloth, "Yes, Nick, we will talk about this ... and we'll talk about it here if we have to. You can't just run from this! It's so freaking obvious!"
He glared at her, his jaw clenched, "Are you done eating?"
"Yes, but-"
"We're going home," Nick stood up and walked to the front of the restaurant to pay instead of waiting for the check to come to him.
She wordlessly followed.
~ * ~
Kindlin sighed loudly as she pulled her car into the driveway behind Nick's. She waited for him to open the garage door and pull in, before driving her car in also. Turning the engine off she got out slowly and walked over to Nick who was just getting out of his BMW.
"Baby, I'm sorry if I upset you," she looked down as tears grew in her eyes.
Nick sighed, knowing he was being unfair to her, "No ... I brought it up. It's my fault. Don't worry about it, Kin."
Kindlin looked up at him and wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his neck, "Nicky, I'm pregnant. I just know it." She had to tell him and even if she was scared, it was something that needed to be said. "I just feel it."
Nick pulled away and looked down at her, "What the hell are you talking about?"
She sighed and looked up at him boldly, "Nick, I'm sick of you telling me that I'm not, when I know that I could be! I may be pregnant and all you can do is deny it! Now are you gonna be a man or are you gonna keep being chicken sh*t?!"
He stared down at her before wordlessly turning and walking into the house. By the time Kindlin went inside Nick had already paid the baby-sitter and was showing her to the door. Kin busied herself in the kitchen, loading the dishwasher and wiping up the counters, until Nick was upstairs in their bedroom. Finally, with a sigh, she grabbed a basket of clean clothes from the laundry room and headed up the stairs.
"What is wrong with you???" Kin finally asked as she walked into the bedroom and set the basket down on the bed.
Nick's back was to her and when he finally answered she felt her heart almost break in two.
"I miss her, Kin."
Kindlin immediately knew he was speaking of Andraya and tears flew quickly down her cheeks. He never spoke of Andraya and had never told her how he felt about it.
"Nicky," she whispered and walked to him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and holding him there, "I miss her too."
"Then why doesn't it bother you that you could be pregnant?" he asked, tears glistening in his eyes as he pulled back from her and looked her in the eye.
Kindlin sighed, "Because, Nick ... if I'm pregnant this baby is an entirely different child from Andraya. They are not the same person. If we have another it doesn't mean that Andraya means any less to us, or that we'll forget her. We'll always remember her; you know that."
"Yeah," Nick whispered, his eyes adverting.
"Nicky," Kin reached out and ran her fingers through his hair slowly, "what is it, baby?"
"I just..." Nick sighed and turned back to her, "I don't know how to love another child again."
"What?" she pulled her hand back in shock.
"I'm too scared," Nick admitted in a whisper. "I'm so scared to love another baby as much as I loved Andraya and have something happen to him or her."
"Well, luckily, for you, I may not even be pregnant," Kindlin stood from the bed and made her way out onto the balcony.
By the time that she came back in Nick appeared to be sleeping. She quickly changed and climbed into bed. Nick's back was to her, hiding the fact that he was actually awake. She turned her own back to him and laid awake for hours.
