What I Really Meant To Say: The Story

Ren stepped inside Brian's house greeted with a hug from his wife Leighanne. She hadn't seen any of them since she and Nick had divorced 2 years before. She knew that she shouldn't have given up her relationships with her friends, but they had been his friends first and it was just too hard to try and get over him while still seeing him ... and seeing the rest of the Backstreet Boys, and their significant others, meant seeing Nick. She was surprised that she'd actually been able to come to Brian and Leigh's house, even if it had been 2 years, but they'd just renewed their wedding vows and this was the big after-party. She wanted to be there for them and they'd begged her to come. When she'd pulled up to the Littrell's house Nick's car hadn't been parked along the street and she didn't see him in the house.

Maybe I can avoid him when he actually gets here, Ren thought as she hugged all of the people that had once been practically family to her.

Hours had passed and Ren still hadn't seen Nick, which she was very grateful for. But as she was refilling her glass of lemonade at the table somebody accidentally bumped into her from behind.

"Oh gosh, I'm sorry..."

Ren immediately turned around at the all too familiar voice, "Nick," she croaked, her mouth gaping in shock at the sight of him. It was weird to see him after two years, when she'd seen him every day for 5 before then. After all, they'd been a couple since the age of 18.

"Ren," Nick's eyes were wide. Nobody had told him that she would be there. "Hey ... Hey, how are you?"

"I'm fine," she managed to stutter, even if it was a lie.

"That's great," Nick smiled but it didn't manage to reach his eyes. Was she really fine? Because he sure as hell wasn't. "Well it was great seeing you. I better mingle. See you later."

And with that he'd walked away and Ren stood there stalk-still, her mind a whirl of confusion.

I'm fine?? she thought, annoyed with herself. I'm fine. Right.

She wasn't fine at all ... why had she said she was? She fought back her tears and walked into the bathroom to recollect herself.

I shouldn't have come in the first place, she thought with a sigh.

But she had, and she'd seen Nick, and now all she wanted was him back.

~ * ~

"Nick, you should dance with her," Brian urged as he took a sip from his drink while he and Nick watched Ren come out of the bathroom. She was looking slightly queasy and Brian had a feeling it had something to do with the blonde moron standing next to him.

"No, man," Nick rolled his eyes, "I can't do that. You don't understand."

"I don't understand? Nick, you idiot, the guys and I understand more than anybody. We've been here the past 2 years, while you went through all this divorce crap. Don't tell me I don't understand."

Nick sighed and looked down at his shoes, shifting from one foot to the other. Ren had unknowingly walked closer to them and was standing against the wall directly across from them, watching the people around her. It hurt Nick to be so close to her and not be able to hold her hand like he normally would be doing.

"I can't, Bri," Nick finally answered, his eyes still fixed on his ex-wife. "I can't. I'm not strong enough to go and ask her to dance with me, to hear her say no to me, or even if she was to accept ... I can't be that close to her man and not have her mine, I just can't do it."

"I still think you two gave up too easily."

"What was I supposed to say?? I'd cheated on her, Bri ... Was I supposed to make her stay with an asshole like me? She deserved better."

"She still does ... but for some reason, she still loves you."

"Brian," Nick sighed and looked at his friend in annoyance, "she doesn't love me, okay? If she loved me I wouldn't have received those divorce papers in the mail two f*cking years ago."

Brian scoffed before walking off to go find Leigh in the midst of the friends around them.

Nick watched Brian walk away before turning his gaze back to Ren. With a sigh he pushed off from the wall with his foot and headed towards her, his heart pounding deep beneath his flesh. He almost felt as though it would burst through at any moment. Standing in front of her he smiled gently, "Wanna dance?"

Ren's breath caught in her throat.

Say yes, you idiot! her mind was yelling, but she could hardly hear it over the pounding of her heart.

"Um ... yeah," she spoke timidly as she took his offered hand and walked unsteadily outside where a dance floor had been set up and music was playing.

The sun had set and there were candles and hanging lights set up all around. The atmosphere was beautiful, right on the water, and the temperature was perfect. It was all so overwhelming for Ren as Nick wrapped his arms loosely around her waste and she in suit wrapped hers around his neck. As she rested her chin on his shoulder her ears perked to the lyrics of the mellow country song that was playing through the speakers.

Ren lifted her hand and wiped the tears from her face, hoping Nick wouldn't notice, her chin still resting on his shoulder as they swayed gently, the song soon ending.

Nick tightened his hold on her, knowing she was crying, though not understanding why and suddenly she spoke, her voice hushed as if she was hoping he wouldn't hear her in a way.

"I'm not fine," Ren whispered, her breath causing the hairs on his neck to rise slowly.

"What?" Nick loosened his grip and looked down at her as their dancing stopped. It was a fast song anyhow and neither felt like actually dancing.

"I'm not fine," her lower lip quivered as more tears began to spring forth from her eyes, her wet eyelashes fluttering. "I told you inside the house that I was fine, when you asked how I've been. And I'm not fine, Nick. I know it's been 2 years, but giving you up was the stupidest thing I ever did."

Nick's breath caught in his throat, "Do you really mean that, Ren?"

She nodded and in an instant Nick had wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight against him.

"Ren ... what I did to us was so entirely stupid of me; I am so sorry."

Ren took a deep breath and looked up at him, her hands at the nape of his neck, "I know you are. You came forward and told me what you'd done and you wanted to make it work..." a shiver ran down her spine, "...I'm sorry that I didn't try harder."

Nick pressed his lips together, trying not to cry but a few tears managed to escape. "Please don't apologize..."

"Then let's both stop apologizing ... Nick, I didn't tell you inside the house when I first saw you, because I was so scared. I'm telling you now, and I'm not scared anymore ... I love you, Nick. I just -- if you want -- I'd like to try again. I mean, we don't gotta like get married right away or something ... after all, we haven't been together for two years ... but I just don't want to give you up."

Nick grinned and pulled her back to him, "I love you too, baby," he whispered before leaning down and kissing her.

"Man," AJ whined, standing by the dance floor next to Brian, "he better not be expecting another wedding!"

Brian looked at him incredulously, "You're a real idiot, AJ, a real idiot."