More Than That: Chapter 10: Love and Sex and Loneliness

YoSwtThang@aol.com

YoSwtThang@aol.com

Nick looked at her from his place on the bed, his heart pounding quickly. It had been so long; too long to know what was right and what was wrong. She hadn't called in weeks; hadn't contacted him in any way. That meant he was free to make decisions, right? Decisions that wouldn't even get a second thought if she would have only called. There was a beautiful woman sitting here with him ... smiling ... smiling her beautiful smile. And he wanted her, he really did ... but still, where was Leah? Where was Leah when he needed her? Where had Leah been for all this time? He was so worried, so worried...

"Gwen, I don't know--" Nick abruptly stopped talking when Gwen reached up and ran her hand through his short hair.

Gwen smiled and pulled her hand back, keeping to herself, "I know, Nick. It's okay. You still love her."

"No," Nick shook his head, not understanding how this woman could be so understanding. That in itself was enough to make him want to show her his appreciation. "No," he repeated, not knowing how to finish the rest of the sentence.

"'No' what, Nick?" Gwen looked up at him with her almond-shaped, blue eyes, a confused expression drawn across her face with perfection. "What's wrong?"

"Gwen, I--" he looked at her suddenly and swore he saw Leah somewhere deep within her. What was wrong with him today? It had been five weeks since Leah had left; he'd met Gwen four weeks ago; he should have been over Leah by now. "I don't know if I love her anymore... I mean, how can I?? She just up and left one evening, told me she'd be back, and hasn't even contacted me since then. Five weeks, Gwen. Five weeks."

"You're hurt, Nick," Gwen stood and bent to get her tennis shoes, knowing Nick needed some time alone. Now was not the right time for them. "That doesn't mean you don't love her anymore."

"You won't think less of me if I do?" Nick grabbed her hand to stop her from tying her shoes.

Gwen looked up at him and smiled gently, "I'd think less of you if you didn't."

Nick sat there and thought about what she'd said, as he watched her tie her shoelaces. A firm knock sounded throughout the house as Gwen stood from the chair she'd sat down on. They looked at each other questioningly and a moment later Nick stood from the bed and walked down the stairs to answer to the door. Running his fingers through his slightly rumpled hair, he opened the door and raised his eyes to see Leah standing there, looking almost the same as the night she'd left.

"Lee," Nick whispered, before reaching out and pulling her into the house quickly. He threw his arms around her before even bothering to close the door. "You're back."

Leah looked up at him, her eyes holding something Nick had never seen from her before. If only he could read what it was.

"Oh, Nicky," Leah whispered, leaning up and kissing him gently on the mouth, "I've missed you so much. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."

Nick took a deep breath and released her from his hold, his heart feeling tight and heavy inside of him. "Where have you been, Leah?"

She sighed and took his hand, leading him into the family room, "Can we talk? This may take a little while."

Nick suddenly remembered Gwen upstairs in his bedroom. How was he going to get himself out of this one? Honesty was the only way ... but gosh, he didn't want her to know about Gwen. "Lee, hang on a second. I'll be right back."

Leah looked at him in confusion, but didn't argue or respond. Nick sprinted upstairs and back into his bedroom and with one look at Gwen he knew she was aware of who was downstairs. Gwen simply stood and nodded, a small smile playing across her lips.

"Make it right with her, Nick," Gwen put her arms around him in a hug that couldn't be described as anything more than platonic. He was so glad that God had made some women with as much compassion as Gwen had. "You two deserve each other. I know I don't know her, but I just know you guys are supposed to be together. Don't let her get away again, okay?"

Nick nodded and tightened his hold on Gwen, "Thank you so much, Gwen, for everything. Will you keep in touch?"

"Are you kidding me?" Gwen smiled. "You don't need that and you know it."

Nick laughed, "Thanks again."

Gwen nodded and left the bedroom, walking down the stairs quickly and leaving the house through the backdoor. Nick knew he'd never see her again. And yet, all that mattered was the beautiful young girl that he'd fallen in love with years ago, who was sitting downstairs waiting for him.

~ * ~

"I went to Seattle and called Freddy from the airport, hoping that he wouldn't just hang up on me, but that he would be willing to at least see me. I got a hold of him and he agreed to meet me at a little cafe by his condo. So we met there and we talked and basically I told him that you and I had gotten together, but that without too much of a good-bye when Freddy left I was still having a hard time getting over it. He told me that there was a reason why he hadn't officially broken up with me ... he said he was hoping that at some point in time I'd give in and move there to be with him during baseball season. Nick, I didn't know what to do. I mean, it would be sort of easy to move there--it's where I grew up, and it's where my family is. But then there's you. We just kept talking and talking and before we knew it, it was well-past midnight. I hadn't even gotten a hotel room yet, because I'd gone straight from the airport to meet with him. So he told me to come back to his place with him and stay there for the night and that I could get a hotel room the next night," Leah paused. "So I did. I went back with him and stayed there for the night. Nick, nothing happened, okay? I promise. He stayed on the couch and didn't once touch me inappropriately. But I didn't get a room the next night either, or the next, or the next, and before I'd known it I'd been staying at his place for a week. After he'd left and moved to Seattle and I was still here, the only thing I could think about was what it would be like for him to kiss and hold me again. But when he did kiss me, two weeks after I'd been there, it was nothing like I'd remembered. It wasn't pleasurable in the slightest. Nick, all I could think about was you."

They sat in silence for what must have been five minutes, before Nick could collect his thoughts enough to ask, "Where were you the remaining three weeks that you were gone?"

Leah sighed and took his hands in hers, looking down at them as she spoke, "After I realized that I wasn't happy there with him either, I told him I needed to get out of there and I took off. I drove over to my parents house and stayed there for three weeks."

Nick nodded and stood from the couch, walking over to the floor-to-ceiling windows that overlooked the beach. His hands in his back pockets and his eyes searching out the water and the sky, hoping to find some calm from them, he asked quietly, "And what did you figure out while you were there?"

"Not much, actually," Leah whispered, before groaning, her head flying forward into her hands. "Nick, I'm so messed up right now! The only thing I figured out was that Freddy wasn't the answer to my depression! That's all I know right now! I do know that I love you and I need you in my life, but..." she stood from the couch and walked to him, but kept her distance, knowing he wasn't the happiest person in the world right now. She didn't want to push it by being touchy.

"But that's it. That's all you know." He stated it so blandly that it made Leah's eyes water with unshed tears. Nick turned to her with a blank stare, his mind not knowing where to venture first. What had their lives, their relationship, their love for each other come to?

Leah nodded, "That's all I know," she spoke in a whisper, her eyes searching his for some sort of reaction. What was he thinking?

"Leah ..." he paused, his gaze falling to the floor, not wanting her to see all the pain she was putting him through. He knew she was in pain too, but what had happened to everything being so easy? "Leah, I don't know... I don't know if this is such a good idea."

Leah suddenly screamed, grabbing her head and pulling on her hair so hard Nick thought she was going to rip all of it out. He'd never seen her like this. Suddenly she was crying hysterically and shaking her head in a fury he had never been witness to.

"Don't do this to me, Nick!" Leah wailed, looking up at him with already bloodshot eyes. It was then he noticed the blood trickling lightly down the side of her face. He glanced down at her nails to see her own blood pooling beneath them. "Don't do this!!"

Nick watched as Leah ran to her purse and unzipped it, dumping its contents onto the floor in front of him. She bent and picked up the bottles of prescription drugs, shoving them at him, still crying her throaty tears.

"I take all of these, Nick! Because I'm depressed, and why?! I have no f*cking clue!! Don't do this to me!! I don't need this!!"

Nick tossed all of the bottles onto the floor, not wanting to know the reality that each of them held. He glared at her and shouted out just as loud as she had been, "Leah, shut up; I don't want to hear it, okay?!" Leah looked at him and Nick's heart broke as he stared into her eyes. He reached out and ran his finger gently across the gash she'd created with her own fingers. "Oh, Lee," he whispered, before taking her into his arms. She was shaking.

Leah grimaced as the alcohol touched the cut that ran along her temple. After the first few touches the pain subsided and she sat there in silence, watching Nick as he cleaned her up with a soft cloth dabbed with cleaning alcohol. Her eyes moved to her hands which were sitting in her lap and she felt her face beginning to color as she saw the blood underneath her fingernails. She was so embarrassed.

"Nicky," Leah whispered just as he was finishing.

Nick looked up at her and couldn't help but smile softly. Even after a complete psychotic episode, even with a dark red gash along the side of her face, even with blood under her nails and pieces of her hair matted against her skin with sweat, she was still the most beautiful person he'd ever seen. And he had Gwen to thank for Leah even being here right now. If Gwen hadn't said what she had before she'd left, he would have told Leah to leave.

You two deserve each other.

Don't let her get away again.

If it hadn't been for those words alone, Nick wouldn't have found the strength within himself to fight for all of this, to fight for Leah, to fight for them.

"Yeah," he mumbled quietly as he stood to clean up the first-aid kit and to go retrieve the Liquid Band-Aid from the cupboard for her face, which was still bleeding.

"Nick, look at me," Leah reached up and gently pulled his face back to her.

Nick fought her off, not wanting her to see the tears that were quickly forming in his eyes. He'd been so scared for her ... what the hell had happened? Finally he relented and looked at her, their eyes making contact. He pursed his lips to stop his quickly approaching emotions. In a second, Leah was out of her chair and had wrapped him in her arms.

"Nick, I didn't mean to scare you," Leah whispered as she ran her hands through his hair, wiping the sweat from his forehead with the palm of her hand. "I'm so sorry. It's the medications. Sometimes I have weird reactions when I take them--"

"And why are you taking them at all??" Nick looked at her with a pained expression. He wanted everything back to normal! He was sick of working and working and working for this relationship and seeing no results. He'd always been told love was enough ... well it wasn't!

Leah shook her head as her own tears formed in her eyes, "I don't know. They're supposed to help me feel better."

"Let ME help you feel better. Quit taking them, Lee. They're not working, can't you see that?"

Her lip quivered as she reached up to touch his face, wiping the remnants of his tears from his eyes and cheeks. Without another word, she took his hand in hers and led him upstairs to his bedroom, where they tried to wipe away all of the pain, the only way they knew how. And yet, Nick knew that when they awoke things would be the same as before. They'd go back to living in denial; she'd continue to take her prescription drugs; he'd continue to watch, feeling completely lost; and even though they'd have each other, they'd both be alone.

*It's Over; The Goo Goo Dolls (CD: Gutterflower)