Leah sat in her bedroom staring at the bare wall before her. Her heart was pounding madly in her chest and there wasn't much she could do to keep it from doing so. She hadn't told Nick that Freddy had broken up with her a week before Nick came home. Freddy had been traded to a different team--and honestly, Leah hadn't bothered to catch which one--and he'd asked her to come with him. She'd refused. How could she just up and leave her life behind? How could she leave Nick? So he'd dumped her.
"I was so in love with him," Leah whispered, though nobody was in the room. Lately she'd been talking to herself much more than normal, and hoping that somebody could hear her ... anybody. She sighed and laid down on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. A warm breeze blew gently through her window and passed her curtains, bringing a familiar chill to her body, her arms forming goosebumps.
Leah could hear Nick clattering around downstairs and, not wanting to have to talk to anybody, decided to stay in her bedroom for most of the day. She'd been doing that a lot lately. She reached over and turned her radio on.
Oh great God, be small enough to hear me now Oh great God, be close enough to feel You now Oh great God, be close to me
There have been moments when I could not face Goliath on my own And how could I forget we've marched around our share of Jerichos But I will not be setting out a fleece for You tonight Just wanna know that everything will be all right
Oh great God, be close enough to feel You now All praise and all the honor be to the God of ancient mysteries Whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history But tonight my heart is heavy And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer: Are You There?
And I know You could leave writing on the wall that's just for me Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping like in Solomon's sweet dreams But I don't need the strength of Samson or a chariot in the end Just wanna know that You still know how many hairs are on my head
Oh great God Are You small enough Be small enough to hear me now"
Normally Leah's radio was set on hip hop or R&B stations. She couldn't explain how it had gotten moved to the local Christian station, but by the time the song was over, Leah realized she was crying. Tears were falling from her face and sliding down her cheeks and straight down her neck into her hair. She'd never felt so alone in her entire life. She had a best friend who would do everything in his power to make her life a beautiful mass of luxury, but for the fear of him falling in love with her--as he said he was--she wouldn't allow him. She had an ex-boyfriend who had dumped her because she wouldn't move to God-knew-where just because he wanted to play for some other team.
Leah sighed and sat up to get a Kleenex and wipe her eyes free from the tears that had set themselves free without permission.
"God, help me," she whispered as she caught her reflection in her mirror.
~ * ~
Nick sat downstairs playing X-Box and wondering why Leah hadn't come down yet. They'd eaten breakfast together and she'd seemed fine then. But then she'd gone back upstairs to take a shower and get ready and hadn't come back down since. But that was Leah lately. Her moods were constantly changing without warning. One minute, she appeared happy and carefree and the next, she was moody and not wanting to speak with anybody.
With a determined sigh, Nick paused his game and stood up, heading to the staircase. He needed to find out what was wrong with Leah, why she wouldn't talk to him about what she was feeling anymore, and why the heck Freddy had just disappeared. Knocking on her door without hesitation proved ineffective as she didn't answer.
"Lee," Nick knocked lightly one more time before opening the door, to find her sitting on the floor in front of her mirror, her head bowed and her eyes closed. "Lee," he walked to her slowly, not wanting to startle her, in case she had somehow not heard his approach. "What are you doing?" he asked, when he heard her whispering, as he sat next to her.
Leah looked up, tears gushing down her face, her makeup long since smudged completely off. "I... I was..."
"Praying?"
She nodded, her mouth hanging open slightly, appearing speechless. "Am I a hypocrite?"
"What?" Nick's eyes squinted in confusion as he reached out to run a hand through her hair and down her face. "Why would you be a hypocrite?"
"I never pray. But when I need help, I do? That doesn't make much sense, does it?"
Nick sighed, "Unfortunately, we all do that. Listen, Lee, will you please talk to me? What do you need help with?"
"Nothing, Nick," she sighed. "Nothing you can help me with."
"Look, I realize God's better in this department, but I am your friend and if you need me, I'm here for you."
"I know," Leah nodded with a shrug, "I'm just having a hard time coming to grasps with the fact that I do need you."
Nick looked back at her silently. What had she meant by that?
*Song credit: Small Enough, by Nichole Nordeman
