More Than That: Chapter 9: The One Who Broke You

"Leah, could you grab that shirt that's sitting on my bed and throw it down here?" Nick called up the staircase, hoping she could hear him above the music that was playing throughout the house. "I forgot to grab it on my way down."

It had been three weeks since Freddy had left and Leah and Nick were still trying to get back to normal. Whatever normal was. Leah was struggling with a broken heart that was trying to mend, Nick was confused and half the time left hurt and angry, and yet they were still trying to remain friends and lovers all at the same time. It hadn't worked easily, but it was slowly getting better. It was hard for Nick to keep in mind that it really hadn't been all that long since Freddy had left--not even a month yet--and he kept finding himself getting frustrated with Leah when he would find her in tears.

When Leah didn't respond or throw down his shirt, Nick sighed and sprinted quickly up the staircase. He found her sitting on his bed, his shirt in hand, mindlessly twisting the fabric between her fingers. Her eyes were gazing directly at him and yet she didn't even notice when he had walked into the bedroom. It was moments like these when he got completely worried that Freddy had broken her heart for life. But was that even possible? Could Leah have really gotten so attached to him, in the amount of time that they had known each other, that when he wasn't there she would throw herself into such a deep depression as this?

"Lee," Nick walked tentatively towards her and placed his hands on her knees when he reached the bed. "Lee?"

Leah snapped out of her daze and saw him for the first time. After she took a second to let her eyes adjust for a moment, a beautiful smile lit up her entire face. "Hey," she spoke softly, running her fingers through his hair and leaning over to kiss him lightly. "Oh!" she suddenly remembered something as she pulled away and held the shirt out to him. "Sorry about that. I came to get it for you; I just must have spaced off for a minute."

Nick tried to smile as if nothing were wrong, but it was difficult. She spaced off for a minute ... of course! She was always spacing off for a minute. He stood to put his shirt on and bit back a yelp when he felt Leah run her hands up his chest to stop him.

"Don't, Nicky," she whispered and attempted to pull him down to her. "Come down here."

"Lee, I dunno if--" he wanted to tell her that she couldn't pacify her depression with casual bouts of lovemaking, that she couldn't just go from spacing off and thinking of Freddy one minute to fooling around with Nick. Yet, he couldn't. Like always. He sighed and resigned himself to lying down next to her, his fingers running casually through her long hair. "I love your eyes," he whispered as he looked into them and saw tears forming within them. He knew she loved him ... he knew she always had ... there were just so many walls between them, keeping them apart, whether it be emotionally if not physically. "They're so beautiful. You're so beautiful." And with that, he lowered his mouth to hers and they were gone, lost in a world where only the two of them existed. And even Freddy wasn't welcome.

"Nick," Leah whispered hours later as she lie next to him on the bed, spent and confused. "Nick."

Was he asleep again?

"Yeah, hmm, what?" Nick murmured, his eyes fluttering open, his lashes tickling her shoulder. "What, baby?" he whispered as his head rose from its comfortable resting place, their eyes meeting. He smiled at what he saw there. It was moments like these that gave him the strength to continue whatever it was that they shared. A beautiful relationship, a very strange friendship, a bond stronger than any he'd ever known. And somewhere in-between all of that, a man she wasn't able to let go of.

Leah rose up onto her side, using her elbow to prop herself up. Her fingers ran lazily along his tattoos as she spoke, "I'm sorry I frightened you earlier. I never mean to. I ... I don't know."

Nick didn't need her to explain herself any further. He knew what she was talking about. Leah was aware of the fear she often instilled in Nick when she would completely leave the world and fly off somewhere with her thoughts ... where Freddy now resided. It was always like this ... Leah would space out and completely worry Nick, they wouldn't want to mention it at first and would completely ignore the situation--whether it be by making love, watching TV, or going out with friends--, and then hours later Leah would apologize. Sometimes she would promise to try harder not to think of Freddy, and other times they would just leave it at her apology.

"Leah," Nick sat up on the bed and leaned against the headboard, his hand reaching out to move her hair behind her shoulder. They both closed their eyes as his hand brushed her skin. "I don't know how much longer I can take this. You, loving Freddy and being with me and--"

"Nick--"

Nick cut her off, "No, let me finish."

She nodded, her eyes filling with tears, not knowing whether he was going to leave her too. First, her boyfriend, and then her best friend? She didn't think she could handle that ... no, she knew she couldn't handle that.

Don't leave me, she wanted to scream at him. You can't leave me. You've promised. You've promised, you've promised, you've promised! But she remained silent, her tears now falling down her face at the thought of a life without her Nick.

"I'm not going to leave you," he whispered as if he could read her thoughts. Leah collapsed against him in relief, as if a thousand pounds had just been lifted from her shoulders. "It's just," he pushed her up gently so he could see her face again, his lips brushing gently against her bare shoulder as she rose again, "it's just ... Lee, let him go."

Leah gulped and looked down at herself, suddenly feeling the embarrassment of being naked in front of him. She suddenly felt so vulnerable, so empty, so... frightened and alone. And why? Because the man she loved had asked her to do something very, very reasonable? Reasonable, but too difficult for her to even imagine being able to do. She couldn't. She just couldn't. Freddy had been her first serious boyfriend. But he had left her and Nick was here and she loved him. So why couldn't she just give up and let him love her too?

"I can't," she whispered and in a moment, her body had disappeared under the covers, where she stayed until Nick silently left the room.

Later that night Leah made her way down the stairs, a light jacket on, a small backpack slung over her shoulder, and her car keys in hand. Her hair was thrown up in a messy ponytail and it looked as though her makeup had been completely washed off. No signs of her earlier tears remained.

Nick and Leah stared at each other, both saying nothing, their hearts aching to hold one another, and yet neither moving. Nick, standing in the kitchen; Leah, standing in the entryway; neither finding the strength to walk to the other.

"Where are you going?" Nick finally managed to whisper, his eyes searching hers for any answers. But he found none there.

"Nicky," Leah whispered as she was at last able to get her legs working again and was soon standing in front of him, their chests touching, but nothing else. "This doesn't mean anything, okay?"

Nick looked at her, confused. What didn't mean anything? The fact that it looked as though she were running from him, as fast as her feet would take her? Of course it meant something.

"I just ... Just let me go to Seattle, okay? I just need closure. I never even got the chance to officially break things off with Freddy. He just sort of left. I know he doesn't want me anymore, Nick; I know that. Just let me go and hear it for myself, and tell him good-bye. I just need that, or I don't know if I'll ever get over this."

That was what didn't mean anything?

Leah sighed when Nick just stood there, not answering. Didn't he understand that she needed his support and his understanding? Didn't he understand that above all they were best friends? She needed her best friend through all of this. Where was he?

With a whimper and an attempt to keep her tears at bay, Leah nodded and backed away from him slowly, her eyes never leaving his, and his never leaving hers. This wasn't good-bye. She wouldn't let this be good-bye.

"I love you, Nick," Leah finally whispered as she made it to the kitchen entryway.

It was the first time she'd said it, at least meaning it in a romantic way. She did and he knew it. Nick felt like screaming and jumping for joy, and yet at the same time his heart was breaking into a million pieces.

*It's Over, by Goo Goo Dolls (CD: Gutterflower)