Nick stared bewildered at the sight in front of him. It was his Natalie. Well, not really HIS Natalie, but she was standing there! At the coffee shop, being served a mocha. He hadn't seen her in a year, he'd been looking for her ever since he'd finished up his counseling sessions six months ago... but this was the first time he'd actually seen her.
"Nat," he whispered, though there was far too much distance between them for her to hear him. He wanted her to sense him and turn around, to see him, to run to him, and hug him, and tell him how much she'd missed him, how much she loved him... but it didn't happen that way. Natalie grabbed her mocha and walked off into a little Christmas shop.
Christmas was on the way, though Nick didn't feel as if it were coming at all. It wasn't a very happy time, without Natalie. He'd tried to get out the manger scene and put it up on the coffee table - that was always the first decoration they'd started with - but as he set up the baby Jesus, he just couldn't do it... Natalie had always done the decorating with him, in the earlier years, and even when things had begun to get bad in their marriage they'd at least done some decorating together... Christmas was usually the time when they got along alright... not perfectly, but alright. Nick had put the baby Jesus, and the rest of the manger scene, back into the box with tears in his eyes... he just couldn't do it without her there.
Nick walked into the Christmas shop a few minutes after Natalie's disappearance into the store. It was a large store, filled with millions of nicely (and sometimes overly) decorated Christmas trees. The store must have held a million ornaments, and that's where Nick spotted Natalie... she was looking on an ornament rack and when Nick looked closer he noticed that it was one that his comic book company had produced... and when he looked even closer he noticed that a tear appeared to be falling from her eye, before she quickly wiped it away. Was she wondering if he had painted it?
It was a moment later, which Nick had spent watching her from behind a Christmas tree, when a man came up behind her and grabbed her hand, attempting to pull her out of the store. Natalie seemed hesitant to leave.
"Come on, let's go," the man spoke firmly, looking almost aggrivated.
"No... Peter, I just want to buy this ornament really fast, okay?" she pulled back on his hand, but he only tightened his hold on her wrist.
Nick wanted to go over there and punch the guy, to tell him to just let her buy the d*mn ornament... but then it suddenly dawned on him that at one point in time HE had been that man... he had been the man telling her to hurry up, that they were leaving, that there was no time for her to buy the "stupid" things she wanted. He suddenly felt as though he couldn't breathe... he had been Peter.
When Nick looked up again, Natalie was gone... and so was Peter. And all that was left there of the two was the ornament that Natalie had been holding... it was on the ground, broken in two.
~ * ~
'...When it's all said and done, there's just you and me.'
Please come out tonight, I need you here It's been a long, long time and I can't wait Let's find out, let's see what it's like out there If it rains we'll find somewhere, somewhere dry and warm
You'll say "my, it's been a long, long time" I'll say "how are you? I've been fine"
Please come out tonight, let's go out and see the world We can try to find, find somewhere It seems so long ago, I can hardly remember the time It's all I want, it's all I want, so let's see what we find
You'll say "there's so much you need to know" I'll say "are you really sure you have to go?"
We don't need a reason, no explanations Just stay with me here, tonight I won't say a word I just need you here
Please come out tonight, let's go out and find ourselves You can lean your head on my shoulder, remember?
You'll say "my, is that the time?" I'll say "why not stay with me tonight?"
We don't need a reason It's so warm inside There's no one between us If someone comes we can hide Ooh, just lay here beside me Just see what it's like
Please come out tonight Please come out tonight Please come out... tonight Please come out, Please come out, Please come out tonight
Will you stay with me tonight? Lay with me tonight
Please come out Come out Just lay here, just lay here Please come out tonight
-Please Come Out Tonight, by Phil Collins (CD: Both Sides)
Natalie looked out of her bedroom window, that night, tears pooling around in her eyes. She'd moved three times since she'd left Nick... after leaving her mother's she'd gone to an apartment for herself, then she'd moved into Peter's apartment, and then Peter and her had moved together, into a house... they were now just down the street from the house that her and Nick had once shared. She wondered, at that moment, if Nick still lived there... and then as if God was telling her that he did, she suddenly saw a shadow of him walking down the street, right in front of her window. She knew it wasn't him - it couldn't be - but as he walked under a street light, she let out a small gasp. As if Nick had heard, he looked up towards her window and saw her. Nick stopped walking and stared.
"Oh my gosh," Nat whispered as if her very breath had been taken from her body. As if Nick was, unknowingly, sucking the life from her.
Nick looked up at her with hollow eyes, and she suddenly felt as though she wanted to cry. Without a second thought, she ran from the window.
Nick's eyes filled with tears as he watched her leave, "No... please don't go..."
And in another second, Natalie quietly escaped the discomfort of her home and ran out onto the front lawn, where Nick stood. They stared for a while, not believing that they were both there. And then it suddenly dawned on Nat that she didn't know what kind of a man Nick was now... he reminded her of the memory she had of him - the only memory she'd allowed herself to keep of him... when they'd first met, first gotten married, when they'd been in love - but there was a lot more sadness in those blue eyes that had once sparkled. She had to force herself to remember the man he had been when she had left. And she had to force herself to realize that he could still be that man. Her eyes suddenly darkened and she seemed to shrink back.
"Natalie, wait! Please don't go... Please don't be scared of me, I won't hurt you. I'm not like that anymore, Nat," tears began to fall down his face, making Natalie begin to cry too. "...I promise you. I've been through counseling, I've worked through my problems, Nat. Look, I'm not asking you to forget the things I've done, or even to forgive me, but if I never see you again I'll kick myself if I don't take this time to tell you all the things I've wanted to say to you over the past year. Nat, I am so sorry. We got married and things were going so good, and all of a sudden, in my point of view, I felt as though everything fell apart... but the truth was, I wasn't okay with my career - I felt as though I wasn't supporting you well enough - I wasn't okay with myself... and I took that out on you... and when I was telling myself that our marriage had fallen apart, the truth was - my life had fallen apart, and I had been the one who had, in turn, ripped our marriage apart. And for that I will never forgive myself. I am so sorry."
Natalie was silent for a few moments, before she mustered up her courage to speak to him again, "Nick, you have to forgive yourself... if you don't..." she trailed off, wiping the tears from her face. "Look, Nick... I had a lot of fault in the distruction of our marriage, too. There's always two sides to a story... I threw myself into my work, when I felt that you were beginning to shy away from me. I shouldn't have done that! I shouldn't have neglected our marriage when I felt that it needed our attention the most. I should have asked you what was wrong, why you were so hurt... I should have cared for you, Nicky," tears began to fall from her eyes again, and Nick's heart soared as he heard her call him 'Nicky' again.
"Nat," Nick whispered, coming a little closer. He didn't want to scare her away, so he moved and talked slowly. "Can we go for a walk?"
Natalie took a shaky break as she looked up into Nick's eyes, once he was standing in front of her. She suddenly felt as if she physically couldn't say no... that it was impossible to deny his request. Taking one last look up at the house that she shared with Peter, she held her hand out to Nick, and they began to walk down the street, away from the life that she'd once been so fully devoted to, and now despised.
They walked and talked with each other for 3 hours, before finally winding up at Nick's doorstep... the house that he used to share with Natalie. Her eyes watered as she realized where she was.
We don't need a reason, no explanations Just stay with me here, tonight I won't say a word I just need you here
"I can't go in there, Nick," Nat whispered, gently pulling her hands from his to wipe her eyes. "I can't go in there and face it... I gotta go home."
Nick took her hands into his again, staring down at her as if he was trying to read every emotion that he found in her eyes, "Natalie, please..." his voice was so soft, softer than Natalie had ever remembered it being... even in the beginning. "Please just come inside... even if you only stay for a minute. Please, Nat."
Her lip trembled as she released her hand from his and took the house key, opening the door and letting them in. She walked through the house, her fingers gently grazing along each thing that she remembered so clearly.
We don't need a reason It's so warm inside There's no one between us If someone comes we can hide Ooh, just lay here beside me Just see what it's like
Stepping down into the den, she found herself not being able to walk through it, remembering the time that she had come in drunk and had tried to make Nick feel just an ounce of what he had been putting her through. With tears in her eyes, she turned and walked up the stairs into the main level, before walking slowly up the staircase that lead to Nick's bedroom. She didn't even notice Nick behind her the whole time.
After walking through Nick's art room, remembering when she'd screamed at him for getting her fired, when she'd seen the picture that Nick had been drawing of him and another woman, she walked slowly into the bedroom. As her eyes fell on the sight of the bed, she suddenly felt as if she could no longer breathe, as all the memories of the times when he would force her to make love to him, when he would practically rape his own wife, began to come back to her. Nick having bought new sheets and a new comforter wasn't enough to keep her from remembering. Before she knew it she was sobbing and as she turned to leave, she ran straight into Nick. Seeing his soft blue eyes, holding her gaze, reminded her that that was the past... that Nick wouldn't hurt her anymore... that she could finally forget all of the horrible things that had passed between the two of them.
She had finally forgiven him. And she knew Nick had forgiven her.
Will you stay with me tonight? Lay with me tonight
One by one Natalie's tears began to diminish, and slowly she reached her hand up to gently carress his face. A moment later her words came out as a soft breath of air, "I forgive you, Nick."
Please come out Come out Just lay here, just lay here Please come out tonight
As tears fell from Nick's eyes, he leaned down and gently placed his lips on hers. And in a moment everything grew more passionate, and an hour later they lay together, limbs entwined in the afterglow of love making.
Natalie leaned over and kissed Nick gently, before pulling back, her eyes filled with tears, "I need to go, Nick..."
Nick sat up and looked almost desperate. She couldn't leave him. Not again. Not like this! "Natalie, no... Please don't go."
"Nick, I have to..." she sounded almost frightened. And then Nick understood as she finished her thought, "Peter's going to wonder where I am."
Nick's eyes darkened and for a moment Natalie was afraid... but then she realized they weren't darkening at her, but at Peter.
"Nicky?" she whispered, tentatively.
Nick's eyes softened again as he laid back down and pulled her into his arms, running his fingers gently along her back. "Tell me, Nat... tell me he treats you good. If you can look into my eyes and tell me that he doesn't treat you how I used to, that he loves you, that he hugs you and kisses you at every possible chance that he gets, that he brings you home flowers just because you're living, just because you're his, that he doesn't hurt you, that he doesn't hit you, or tell you that you're not worth anything, that he doesn't tell you that the little things that you want to buy are stupid and not worth the money, that he doesn't take you for granted, that he doesn't tell you you're not worth his time... Natalie, if you can tell me just one of those things... I'll let you go."
And Natalie knew that he didn't mean that he would only let her leave the house and go home, but that he would release her from his heart.
She began to sob.
Nick knew his answer as he cradled her in his arms, and his own tears fell onto her bear and heated skin. Peter hurt her, Peter had not only inflicted physical pain on the woman that Nick loved, but Peter had killed her inner being. Peter had killed her soul. And Nick couldn't help but wonder if Peter had done more damage than he had. And Nick's suspicions were true. Peter HAD done more damage than Nick... because Natalie had begun to try and put Nick, and the pain that he had inflicted on her, behind her, and she had tried to love again, and she had stepped into the relationship with Peter fully vulnerable... and he had abused her trust.
Before Nick could react Natalie had slipped from his hold and very quickly flung her clothes on. By the time Nick had realized what was happening, Natalie was already downstairs. And a moment later, the door shut behind her.
I heard from a friend today And she said you were in town Suddenly the memories came back to me in my mind How can I be strong? I've asked myself Time and time I've said that I'll never fall in love with you again
A wounded heart you gave, my soul you took away Good intentions, you had many, I know you did I come from a place that hurts and God knows how I cried And I never want to return, never fall again
Making love to you, ooh it felt so good and oh so right How can I be strong? I've asked myself Time and time I've said that I'll never fall in love with you again
So here we are alone again Didn't think it'd come to this And to know it all began with just a little kiss I've come too close to happiness to have it swept away Don't think I can take the pain, never fall again
Kinda' late in the game and my heart is in your hands Don't you stand there and then tell me you love me, then leave again 'Cause I'm falling in love with you again
Hold me, hold me Don't ever let me go Say it just one time, Say you love me God knows I do love you again
-Again, by Janet Jackson
