“Dani,” she sighed, blowing her nose, “we had so much fun! We took a long walk on the beach, then when we went back to the time-share, we went swimming in the pool.” She chuckled. “Well, I went swimming in the pool. The water was a little cold, and he wouldn’t come in.” she laughed again, and even if it had a faintly hysterical tinge, it was still a laugh. She swallowed hard, eyes filling again with tears. “He sat on the side of the pool, and I swam up to him.” She blinked, tears trickling down her cheeks again. “He called me a mermaid.”
Dani’s hand was in her hair, stroking down her back. She murmured soothingly while Sara cried again. “You should go to bed,” Dani interjected. “Get some sleep. Dream about the Backstreet Boys.”
Sara chuckled, rising from the couch. She hugged the other woman, and left the room. “To sleep,” she quoted softly, closing her bedroom door behind her. “A chance to dream.” She sighed, burrowing into bed, clutching her pillow to her chest. “Jim,” she whispered, sniffling. He would be back soon from New Hampshire. Would she see him again? Or would he just come to see Dani, acting like she didn’t even exist anymore? Sara didn’t know. She wanted to see him, hold him just once more. She wanted to hurt him, too, give back some of the pain she’d been given. Why had he chosen Suzie over her? What was wrong with her that he couldn’t love her? She cried until there were no more tears. Hiccuping softly, she eventually slipped into sleep. All too soon, she started to dream…
The TV was on, but she really wasn’t paying attention. She kept her mind focused on the book in her hands. It was better this way. Living her life in the pages of a book. Safer. No more pain…a bit boring, perhaps, but no more pain. Her heart was beyond repair, but her soul…it was her soul that wept now…bloody tears from a thousand fractured edges.
At least she’d stopped crying. She sniffed, the sound very loud in the bedroom. She fluffed the pillows behind her, settling herself more comfortably.
KNOCK - KNOCK - KNOCK
Her head snapped up. Setting the book down, she sat up, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed. “Come in,” she called, not rising.
The door opened and Jim walked in. “Hey.” He shut the door behind him. “Dani said you were hiding in here.”
“I’m a turtle,” she argued, watching him with wide eyes. “It’s called strategic retreat.” She watched as he crossed the room to her. He sat on the bed beside her. “Dani said you were back.”
“I missed you,” he said, one hand laying gently on her thigh.
She pushed his hand away. “Don’t,” she warned in a deceptively soft voice.
His smile faded, and he sighed. “Didn’t you miss me?” he asked, his face drawn in his best kicked puppy expression.
She’d missed him, ached for him, longed to have his arms around her again…trouble was, she’d missed him since before he’d gone away for three weeks. He’d chosen Suzie over her, and that was why her soul still bled.
She ignored his question, asking instead, “Didn’t you get my last email?” She made a show of pulling away, settling herself back against the pillows, careful to avoid all contact with him.
For a moment, he looked uncomfortable…but only for a moment. “I did.”
Her dark eyes lifted to meet his hazel ones. She let her mask shatter, let him see her pain…pain that had laced that last email with every word. She’d revealed herself in all her vulnerability, and said good-bye.
She picked up her book, fingers toying with the tasseled bookmark. “Well, then,” she said, averting her eyes. “I’ve said all I needed to say.”
“If you would just be patient…”
Her dark eyes snapped up to his hazel ones as she interrupted, “Why? Why should I be patient?”
“Maybe we could…”
“Maybe? Maybe?!?!” Her voice rose shrilly, and she forced herself to be calm. “Maybe I should sit here twiddling my thumbs bloody while you fuck Suzie and fuck your way around the state, is that it? Sit here, foolishly hoping that you’ll deign to grace my life with your presence or a phone call once in a while…once a month maybe?” Taking a deep breath, she looked down. The book was bent double in her hands. She smoothed the binding. She was calmer when she raised her gaze to his again, but not much. “I loved you,” she said, forcing her hands to stay in her lap when they itched to slap him. He opened his mouth, but she rode over him. “I loved you and all you wanted from me was a good time. I loved you and you lied to me…”
Angry now, he broke in, “I never…”
She sat up straighter so they were nose to nose. “You lied to me, told me you loved me, made me believe I had found someone who cared about me. Made me believe I was worth loving.” Her voice broke at the end. Tears started in her eyes and she looked away. And she’d thought all her tears were shed. One more thing she was wrong about. Softly, she said, “I could forgive anything but the last, Jim.” She choked back a sob. “Anything but the last.”
His thumb wiped away her tears, and she smacked his hand away. “Don’t touch me,” she spat, batting his hands away.
“Don’t be that way, sug.”
Her palm connected with his cheek. The sound was very loud, and, she decided, very satisfying. “Don’t ever call me that again.” Her voice was steel. “And don’t ever touch me again.” His mouth worked, but her gaze kept him silent. “Go, Jim, leave. You pushed me away, and I’ve stayed away…stayed in this little box you put me in until you’re ready for me. Now you want to pull me back for a little fun…time to come out and play, but I’m not coming.” She sat forward so they were once more nose to nose. “You know what, Jim? You managed to do something that no one else has…you destroyed my heart, my hope, my faith.” She gave him a wry smile. “Congratulations.” Her lips twisted as she added, “I won’t let you destroy my soul. Better than you have tried, and failed.”
“But you’re my soul-mate.” He reached for her.
She shoved him, hard. He rocked back, nearly falling off the bed. “Then maybe we’ll get it right next life.” She got to her feet.
Everything happened so fast. Jim stood, pulling her into his arms. The knife was in her hands. Where it came from, she wasn’t sure, but it was suddenly trapped between them. She felt it slide between his ribs. His blood soaked her hand. Hot and thick, it covered her. He slid out of her arms, falling bonelessly to the floor. His hazel eyes marked her. There was no anger, no accusation. There was pain, but, above that, there was something that brought a scream up her throat.
There was love.
“Love you,” he whispered. One hand reached for her, then fell to the floor, palm up, as his eyes fluttered shut.
She screamed.
Sara bolted upright in bed, her heart hammering in her ears, her throat tight from holding in her scream. She ran a shaking hand through her hair, and flicked on the bedroom light. No Jim…no body laying in a pool of blood on the floor.
She sat back on the pillows, willing her heartbeat to slow. Her eyes fell on the radio, and she clicked on the CD. The country music flowed over her, and her eyes drifted shut….only to pop open again as Jim flashed in her mind. She grabbed a notebook from the bookcase, and wrote:
Jim,
God knows why I’m writing this, but if I don’t, I doubt I’ll ever sleep again.
I love you.
Three little words. So easy to say…too easy. They fell from your lips, but do I dare believe them? I’ll never forget the first time you said those words to me, looking down into your eyes. I believed you.
I was terrified of loving you. Love for me has never meant anything more than pain. I didn’t want anymore pain…and that’s what I got in spades.
I don’t know what will come of us, if anything. I do know that if you ever decide you want to be with me again, I’ll go. Fool that I am, I still love you. I still want to be with you. We are so alike, we have so much in common. We can be so good together. Once the passion fades, there is still so much we have together.
It’s all in your hands. Maybe we should just be friends, like Dani suggests. We moved too fast, and maybe we should take the time to truly know each other.
Maybe.
Whatever happens, I will always love you. I believe that once someone touches our hearts, they are with us forever. A part of us. You will always be a part of me.
Love, Sara
Sara stared down at the paper. Her tears dropped on the paper, causing the ink to run in places. She wiped her eyes, lifting her head as a new song clicked on. She listened to John Michael Montgomery…
