By: Emma

© 2001

It felt like the wind had been knocked out of him when he found out. Like a Mack truck had jack-knifed and plowed through his heart, knocking him flat on his ass. He didn’t know how to react, what he should say or do, so he had just stared in silent disbelief before turning and fleeing from Chris’ house. He hadn’t gotten far, just to the driveway where he sat now in his car, not wanting to leave, but nowhere near ready—or able—to go back inside.

Chris had lied to him.

The one person he trusted more than anyone, the one person he had thought would never deceive him, had told him a lie and let him believe it was the truth for the last two years. Justin clutched the steering wheel tightly, feeling the plastic heat beneath his grip, and tried not to cry.

How could Chris do something like this? Justin shook his head violently and rested his forehead on the wheel. “No,” he whispered. “How could Chris do something like this to me?” A sharp knock on the window startled him and Justin jumped, swinging surprised eyes outside. Chris. Looking for all the world like he’d lost his best friend, his eyes drooping sadly, his mouth sagging at the corners. Justin lowered the window an inch and narrowed his eyes. “What do you want?”

“Do I even get the chance to explain my reasons? Or are you just going to leave?” Chris asked, shoving his hands in his pockets and pulling himself up to his full height. Justin snorted but didn’t answer which Chris took as a sign he might listen. “Can you at least come back inside so we can talk?”

Justin sighed heavily and opened the car door, sliding his lanky frame into a standing position. “I’m not going inside. You got something to say to me, say it here.” He crossed his arms and leaned against the car, looking expectantly at Chris.

Chris closed his eyes, silent for a moment as he composed his thoughts. “You were just barely eighteen, Justin. And when you told me that you…” He blushed, embarrassed.

“That I was in love with you. You can say it, Chris. The words won’t kill you.” Justin spat out.

“That…you were in love with me,” Chris continued, his jaw tightening. “I panicked and I did what I thought was the right thing to do.”

“Breaking my heart was the right thing to do?” Justin asked softly. He furrowed his brow and turned heartbreakingly sad eyes on the shorter man.

“I wasn’t trying to break your heart. I was just trying to…let you down easy.” Chris said. He rubbed his face. “I didn’t think you really knew what you were feeling, and I knew that you would outgrow it and move on and find some girl that made you really happy. And you did. You and Britney. That made you happy.”

“Sure.”

Chris looked up at the answer, said without any feeling at all. “It did, right? You were happy with her, weren’t you?”

“Whatever you say, Chris.” Justin wasn’t making this easy for him, and Chris sighed. Justin studied him for a long, silent moment, his anger growing in spades as he watched his friend get more and more upset. Good, he thought, clenching his fists against his legs. Chris had no right to be upset; he was the one who had lied. If anyone should be upset here…

“So, let me see if I’ve got this straight.” He said finally, feeling an uncontrollable urge to hurt Chris in the same way he had been hurt. “You thought that you would do the right thing by telling me that you didn’t have any feelings for me, letting me make an ass of myself by pretending to be in love with Britney, only to have a really messy public breakup in which she outed me to the world? And you thought it was the right thing to call me up during a hiatus forced on us by management because all the bullshit caused by Britney’s little stunt lowered our record sales, and they thought it would be a good idea for us to take a break and re-evaluate our image, and you thought,” Justin clutched his head and tried to make sense of his ramblings. “You thought now would be a good time to call me up and let me know that you lied to me two and a half years ago when I told you I loved you.” He cocked his head to the side. “Is that about right, Chris?”

“Well…”

“I mean, you did lie to me back then, right? When you told me that the only love you felt for me was that of a brother?” Justin shook his head violently. “Does it even matter? I mean, if you lied to me then, who’s to say you’re not lying now? And how am I supposed to believe you anyways?”

Chris looked at him helplessly, not knowing what to say to make him understand. “Justin.” He said softly, but Justin just kept on talking as if Chris wasn’t there. “Justin,” he said again, louder this time, but Justin ignored him. “Justin!” Chris finally shouted and Justin raised a brow and turned to face him. “Will you shut up for one fuckin’ second?” Justin opened his mouth to speak but shut it quickly when Chris glared at him.

Now that Chris had Justin’s undivided attention, he was at a loss for words, and the silence stretched between them again. Justin shifted on his feet, looking longingly towards his car, wanting to escape. “Are you gonna say something, or what?” Justin asked finally, aggravated that Chris had told him to shut up and then hadn’t said a word.

“You were eighteen.” Chris began softly, and Justin shook his head.

“So? I was legal. I waited ‘til I was legal, Chris.”

“But, in my mind you were still a kid.” Chris protested. “What was I supposed to do? Tell you I loved you too?” He shook his head. “You were too young. You hadn’t even had a real girlfriend yet. How could you have possibly known what you really felt?” Justin started to speak and Chris waved him silent. “That’s what I was thinking back then.” He turned sad eyes on Justin and sighed. “In hindsight, I was wrong. And if I look back even further, I can remember how I was at eighteen, how I knew for sure that I was gay. I…I’m sorry, Justin. That’s all I can say.”

Justin nodded and crossed and uncrossed his arms, awkward now in the light of honesty. “Don’t apologize,” he said softly. “You did what you thought was right.”

Chris looked surprised. “Wait, I thought you were mad at me because of that.”

“I’m mad because you lied, Chris.” Justin looked at him then, pinning him with the oldest twenty-year-old eyes Chris had ever seen. “You’d never lied to me before. At least, not that I know of. And the fact that you did, well, now I don’t know if I can believe anything you’ve ever said to me.”

“I’ve never lied to you about anything else.” Chris felt panic swell in his throat and he fought the desire to cry. “Never.” He said fiercely.

Justin shook his head sadly and pulled open his car door. “I wish I could believe you. But…I just can’t. Not now. Maybe not ever again.” He climbed in and started the car, rolling down his window when Chris knocked tentatively.

“Is there anything I can do to fix this?” He asked, knowing the answer, but hoping that he was wrong.

“Nope.” Justin shot him that famous grin, and Chris could see it didn’t reach his eyes. “Just give it time.” He thought for a moment and his grin faded. “This is a tough life we lead, man. It’s hard to find someone to trust. But you, I trusted you more than I trust my own mother. And you broke that.” The anger still simmered in him, and he wanted now, more than anything, to fire that one shot at Chris that would stay with him for a long, long time. Something that would remind him always of what he had done. “When you try to figure out why our friendship ended, Chris, just go look in the mirror. You’re the reason. You lied.”

And with that he put his car in gear and pulled away, leaving Chris standing in his driveway staring after his car.